Mother's Day

Today, for the first time, I get to celebrate Mother's Day. 

It seems very strange to me when I think of myself as a mother.  I guess I expected a huge change, but it doesn't seem like a huge change.  It seems like Jade has always been here.

I also feel like I should be celebrating her more than me.  She is the sweet soul that makes me a mother. Without her, I would not celebrate this day.  If she was old enough, we would celebrate with cookies and ice cream. 

Here's to little Jade- thanks for making me a Mom.

 Cinderella princess shoot

 One month

 Newborn- 13 days old

My favorite pic of her and Daddy.

Becoming a Mom

I became a mom on March 21.  We expected baby Jade in April and never thought she'd be here at 36 weeks.

On the 19th I went to my regular appointment, ultra-sound and non-stress test.  Baby passed the non-stress just fine, and the ultra-sound looked great. (And we made it out still team green.)  The only problem was showing up with my blood-pressure.  It was too high, again.  Additionally, my platelet count was continuing to drop.

I was told that I needed to take Thursday off work in order to have 24 hour labs run (for the third time).  My midwife left to consult the OB, and I sent Andy a text saying I would be home the next day. 

When she returned she informed me that plans had changed. They wanted me to check into the hospital so that they could monitor my blood work, blood pressure, and baby for 24 hours.

That didn't sound bad. I went home to pack and stopped at the school to pick up papers to grade. It was no big deal really.  I even had Andy stay home to take a nap instead of coming with me.  He went back to set that night to work because I really believed it was just observation and I'd be home the next day.

Thursday saw my NST results coming back as great. Baby was in a good shape with no concerning signs.  My platelets continued to drop all day, reaching below 100 that evening.  My blood pressure was high all day, ranging from "a little high" to "really" high. 

Early evening the nurse began assuring me that there was no way I would be returning to work. She predicted I'd be put on modified  bed rest at least.  My midwives refused to make a prediction, waiting for my 24 hour analysis to come back. 

I kept waiting to worry. I kept waiting to be scared. I kept waiting for some intense emotion. It never really came. I just knew that the test results would come back about 8:30pm, and I would get all answers then.

My mom stopped by that evening for awhile.  She left when the midwife (Claudia) and OB came into the room.

They suggested I be induced. They assured me that baby would be okay, but because of my blood pressure and platelets my own health had become at risk.  As much as they wanted baby to keep baking, the scale had tipped in the other direction.

Before leaving my midwife asked if I was okay and told me it was okay to cry if I needed. I didn't need to. This was what was going to happen.  I was a little in shock as I called Andy, trying to remember everything we were supposed to bring to the hospital with us.  The only thing I could remember was chap stick.  I think I ended up sending him a dozen texts of things to remember.

He arrived late that night. We both did our best to sleep.  The next morning, Friday, I was hooked up to pitocin. My midwife (Jenn) let me know that when I reached a 4 or 5 she would be hooking me up to a magnesium drip to prevent seizures due to high blood pressure.  It was expected to make me feel like I had the flu, so I was glad to put it off.

A few hours later, I had barely progressed. Jenn assured me that things would start to happen, and no one was impatient yet.  A few hours later, I had not progressed. Jenn started to seem concerned, but mostly about starting the magnesium. She knew I needed it, but didn't want to start it too early because it slowed labor down.

Because of my blood pressure I was not allowed out of bed except for the bathroom. This was the hardest part. I had planned on a non-medicated birth using the bath tub, a birthing ball, and walking around. I was not allowed to do anything but lie in my bed.  Contractions started to get worse, but I had little that I could do except breathe through them. I counted up or down every time.  They were painful, but never lasted long. Andy and I even had fun watching how high they would spark on the monitor.

Late afternoon Jenn returned, impressed with the contractions. They had been strong. They had hurt. I had not progressed.  I asked for an epidural. If I was not going to be able to handle my pain my way I wanted it to go away.  Jenn let me know they would be starting the magnesium soon because delaying it further with my contractions was dangerous.

The epidural came. The needle went in at the same moment a contraction started. I yelped from the pain. Not my finest moment, I admit, but the pain was soon over.  I had not progressed.

Jenn was pulled away for a delivery and returned after the magnesium started. She was very concerned at my lack of progression, especially since my pitocin was almost as high as it could go and the magnesium was known to slow things down.  She told me that I was looking at a possible c-section, and she wanted me to be prepared. She assured me she was not rushing to one yet, but that I needed to prepare for it.

It had been two hours since I had been checked, and she offered to check again just to see. I had not just progressed, but caught up to where they wanted me to be. I guess the rebel in me that didn't want a c-section had won out.

Three hours later, about 10:30, Jenn informed me that I was almost ready and that I would have a baby by the end of the night.  At 11:00, we were ready to push.

With Andy by my side telling me I was doing a good job, Jade was born at 11:33pm.  Andy told me she was a little girl, and he cut the cord.  She was on my chest for only a moment before she was taken away by the respiratory specialist and two others.  I knew she was okay though, as she started crying before she was taken away.  When the specialist announced her score as an 8-9, I was so relieved. I knew she would be okay at 36 weeks, but it was nice to have it confirmed.

They gave her back to me very soon after taking her because she was healthy. I got to hold her for a few minutes and then handed her to Andy.  He was a dad, her dad.  This is my favorite picture.

This was the first minute he was holding her.  A little while later I was taken to my hospital room, and Andy went with her to the nursery to finish her testing and bath. 

Fast forward to Sunday. The magnesium had some how never made me sick. I had been light-headed, but the nurses always seemed surprised to see me doing so well while "on mag."  Jade passed every test she took with flying colors.  She was discharged Sunday morning. I had to wait for decisions to be made because my blood pressure was not going down. 

About 4:30 that afternoon the nurse said I was being discharged and we needed to decide when we wanted to leave. That decision took all of 15 seconds: we want to leave now. 

We took Jade home that night.  We are parents.

It was not the timing we wanted, but I am so glad she is here now.

Making Me Sick!

ME:  How was your vacation?- to a male relative.

TODD:  It was great.

ME:  Who did you go with?

TODD:  My friend that I'm living with- I went with his wife.  He doesn't know that, but we did.

ME:  That is so wrong!  He doesn't know?

TODD: (paraphrased and shortened) Well it is his fault.  We were going to all go together, but he didn't arrange his stuff. I did my stuff, she did her stuff. He didn't take care of his stuff.  She told him she still he wanted to go without it.  He told her he didn't want her to go with me. I wanted to still go, so we told him that I was going camping while she went to Mexico.

ME:  That is so wrong! It isn't ok to lie to him. She shouldn't have gone with you.

TODD: He shouldn't tell her not to go if she wants to go. He could have come along. We had separate rooms... and she wants to lie to him.

ME:  But, it isn't ok for her to lie to her husband about it! He should be told.

TODD:  Well, I wasn't going to stay home, and she doesn't want him to know.  

Really?  Is it really ok to go on vacation for a week to Mexico with your friend's wife?  He let you move in after your wife divorced you and you help her lie/deceive him?  YOU GO TO MEXICO WITH HER???

This is not the first time I've seen this type of thing from these two people.  It makes me sick.  It makes me question humanity and morality and basic human decency.  

Am I the only one who thinks this is wrong?  Am I crazy???

I really want to tell the guy, but I only know his friend. I've met the wife and him once, but I never talked with them.  I wish someone had told me when Andy was deceiving me, and I wish someone had stood up to Andy to tell him it was wrong.  Instead, people just said it wasn't their business and let it go on. 

Where is that line between doing what is right and minding your own business?

I was a songwriter

My mom dug out multiple boxes from my old bedroom, and I found a lot of treasures.  A lot of the pictures made me laugh, and a few of them made me tear up a little. Mostly, I smiled.

At the VERY bottom of the LAST box (I know it sounds like I'm making that up but it is true...) I found a folder full of songs I wrote in elementary school. I was in 3rd, 4th, 5th grade- (I wish I had written down the dates) and I wanted to be a country singer. (Not really, since I can't really sing...)  Most of them are not finished, but only a verse or a chorus.

Here are a few of my favorites, starting with the ONE song I still remember the words and tune to.  Warning: they are CHEESEY! 

PS- I am leaving the spelling as I wrote it...

Fantasies

Unicorns and faries, elves and little knomes
They live in the storybook on my shelf back home
Witches and dragons always scare me,
You are now one of them
You're now a fantasy


Special Ingridiant

There's alot to a friendship,
Alot of special things,
Going to the moview,
and putting dimes in the machines.
A little bit of heaven from up above,
But the special ingridient is love.

Love is a great thing,
it comes only from inside,
it gives you happiness, friends, and pride,
A friendship takes a bit of heaven from above,
but that special ingridient is love

It Hurts  (REALLY CHEESY ALERT!
It hurts when you are sorry
It hurts deep inside
It hurts when you're wrong
It makes you swallow your pride
It hurts when you're all alone
When no one does care
Then it makes you mad
When suddenly someone's there

It hurts when your sad
It hurts real bad
You can't stop the hurt
When you're not allert
It hurts.

It hurts all the time you know
It hurts while it's tall
It hurts little to,
It makes you feel so, so small
It hurts when no ones there,
To care for you
It feels so lonely
And sometimes you are scared

Chorus

Tomorrow (Draft 1)
Come back, face you're problems
Things someday will bee better, tomorrow
It may not have bin a good day but
You must stay and face it, tomorrow
You may have lost something or someone
but don't give up, tomorrow
You must learn to face the facts of our life, tomorrow

Tomorrow, tomorrow, things might turn around
but don't give up today
Tomorrow, tomorrow you can't leave at all,
we will find a way

Things will turn around I know
They will for surten, tomorrow
You must face life the way you have it, tomorrow
Don't give up you will find a way to solve this,
I'm sure, tomorrow
Things will look better in the morning light, tomorrow

Chorus

Tomorrow (Draft 2)
Face your problems
Face the facts of life
Turn around, ask for help,
Don't let the world cut you like a knife
Family lost, don't worry
For every good there is a bad
So just sit back, relax
Just smile, be happy, be glad

Tomorrow things will be better, I'm sure
Life is never pure,
Happyness,
I never feel down,
Cause things always turn around
Tomorrow

Tell me all about your trouble
All help get through it
You'll be fine, I say
Come on, don't stand, just sit
Open up, let it out
Things will be all right,
Take it easy, calm down,
Things will turn out in the morning light

Chorus

Saying Goodbye

I never really knew Bradford. I said hello and 'nice to see you' a few times in life, but I never really knew him. The first time he and I actually had a conversation was a week before he died. It was amazing, but when he hugged me that night, I knew immediately that he was a man who cared deeply about others.

When he hugged me, he told me emphatically how glad he was that I was there again with Andy. The way he said it I knew had nothing to do with me- but had everything to do with how much he cared about my husband. He had known Andy for years, but in the time we were separated, he and Andy got to know each other as friends, instead of the friend-of-brother/little-brother-of-friend relationship they'd had before. 

And, even without knowing what would happen a week later, I knew the amazing man that was Bradford. I knew that he and Andy didn't spend a lot of time together, or talk very often, or even have much in common- but in two sentences Bradford showed me, a complete stranger, the depths of his love for anyone he knew.

The people who actually got to know this for more than 30 seconds of their life- how truly blessed you are.

Knowing how much Bradford made me feel special and loved in just a 30 second hug- explains the amazing children that I saw at his memorial yesterday. His daughter and son made us all laugh and cry. When the little girl explained how their new family is making adjustments and that they will be ok, I saw a strength well beyond her years. When she stepped to center stage and sang, "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow," from Annie a'Capella , I can't even express the amazement. And yes, the tears streamed down my face.

There is a new family out there tonight, grieving over the loss of an amazing father and brother, while at the same time doing the work to be a new family. They are an inspiration to me, and I don't even know them. But I am praying for them. 

Big Week Emotionally

Well- this has been one of those week full of BIG emotions- deep ones that make my soul shift and make life look a little different than it did last week.

Life looks... better. 

It has been an interesting year, and things are really settling down in to a great place. I never imagined or said that the journey of Andy coming home would be easy. And, it wasn't. But this week I just felt in the depth of my soul that life is normal now. The time when he lived somewhere else is in the past... a distant memory that fades more and more all the time.

An hour ago someone asked me about an event that took place while Andy was living somewhere else. This person is related to us, and didn't even remember that we had been separated. That's nice.

We also took dance lessons this week. Andy thought of the idea over a year ago, when he first told me he wanted to come home. He told me he wanted to learn to dance with me. We had a friend who taught them, but due to his busy schedule, a fire at his dance studio, relationship drama, and etc., etc., he hasn't taught a class since Andy came home. We found one through the local university and decided to sign up. Unfortunately the only opening was western swing, which is far above our skill level, but it was dancing.

And it was fun. We were both a little terrified, but the instructor was really good about just teaching little steps. Andy was actually a natural, and I was able to "follow" my "leader" for the first time ever on a dance floor. I've had lots of friends try to teach me, and they always complained that I wouldn't let them lead. Turns out I am capable doing it right!!! 

Flash forward to this weekend- and Andy is on set. To understand how HUGE it is for me to be here with him, you have to understand the reasons he moved out to begin with. It involved film, and the woman he met through film... 

This is the first major production that he has done of his own in awhile, and here I am with him. This scared me far more than dancing did- simply because his film world changed a lot while he was gone. New people have joined his circle, and he uses advanced techniques and uses lingo that I do not understand.

But today was just simply fun.  I got a lot of grading done in the down time, but I also got to chat with a lot fun people. The topics ranged from what I'm teaching in my class, to scary stories people told as children, to political propaganda, to dirty mouths, to knife throwing...  and I just loved it.

This was one of the final tests for me to know that I have recovered. Could I watch Andy on set again? Could I be on set again? Could I belong on set again?

And, I feel good.

My soul is flying.

Except- for all of the high emotions, there are the dark ones that have crept in to life again as well. A dear friend of Andy's family killed himself yesterday. His children  have now lost both of their parents. His best friend said today that he doesn't even feel pain yet, he is just angry.

And I remember that feeling so well...

I am sad for my loss. I am sad for my brother-in-law. I am pained for the children more than anyone else...

When I pray tonight, I will pray for this man, I will pray for his friends and family, I will pray for his children, and I will thank God for the blessings he has given me.

The Song in My Head

 This song is constantly in my head since I first heard it a few weeks ago. It actually came on the radio at the perfect time. I was driving to work the day I was teaching metaphor and simile- and it is full of metaphors! It was part of my lesson that day. 


And, since I feel like blogging but have no idea what to write- here is my latest favorite song.

"Ours"

Elevator buttons and morning air
Strangers' silence makes me want to take the stairs
If you were here we'd laugh about their vacant stares
But right now my time is theirs

Seems like there's always someone who disapproves
They'll judge it like they know about me and you
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury's out, my choice is you

So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours

You never know what people have up their sleeves
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me
Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles
But I don't care 'cause right now you're mine

And you'll say
Don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours

And it's not theirs to speculate
If it's wrong and
Your hands are tough
But they are where mine belong and
I'll fight their doubt and give you faith
With this song for you

'Cause I love the gap between your teeth
And I love the riddles that you speak
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored
'Cause my heart is yours

So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
Don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
But they can't take what's ours
They can't take what's ours

The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours