Music on the Way Home

On the way home this morning, this song came on the radio, 

and it spoke to me. It reminds me to be compassionate, which 

is a goal I need to focus on right now. I have an easy time 

being compassionate toward people I know, but I struggle to 

be compassionate towards strangers. I thought this song 

gave me a good reason-

Again, as always, the bold words are the ones that speak to 

me the most- 

Bleed Red by Ronnie Dunn 

Let’s say were sorry, before it’s too late, give forgiveness 

a chance
Turn the anger into water; let it slip through our hands
We all bleed red, we all taste rain, 

all fall down, Lose our way, 
We all say words we regret, we all cry tears, we all bleed red

If we’re fighting, we’re both losing; 

we’re just wasting our time
Because my scars, they are your scars and your world is mine
You and I, we all bleed red, we all taste rain, all fall down, 

lose our way
We all say words, we regret, well cry tears, we all bleed red
Sometimes we’re strong, sometimes we’re weak, sometimes we’re 

hurt and it cuts deep
We live this life, breath to breath, we’re all the same; 

we all bleed red

(Instrumental break)
Let’s say we’re sorry….Before it’s too late….

We all bleed red, all taste rain, all fall down, lose our way, 
We all say words we regret, we all cry tears we all bleed red, 
Sometimes we’re strong, sometimes we’re weak; 

sometimes we’re hurt
It cuts deep; we live this life breath to breath; we’re all 

the same
We all bleed r-e-e-e-d-d-d 

The End of the Road

It was not a good day. I'll leave it at that.
About eight, I got in my car and hit the road. I had a full tank of gas, and no plans. I turned the radio up loud as I merged onto the freeway.

And I drove.

I put angry songs on repeat- and screamed along with them.
I put sad songs on repeat- and let myself wallow.
I put happy songs on repeat- and smiled at the stars.

At each major point on the freeway- I let myself feel the emotions I was feeling.

I vowed to not turn around until I had my emotions under control. I wasn't going to turn around until I understood what my heart was telling me- even if I didn't like what it had to say. I needed to keep driving until I could summarize it in a few precise sentences. And that wasn't happening in the city.


I drove north to get away from everyone except myself- to be alone with myself.  Why north? Because far north belongs to me: south belongs to old friends; east belongs to Andy and me; west belongs to my family; Salt Lake county is Andy's family; Davis county is Andy's.  But north- Weber county north- belongs to no one I know, but me. Ogden itself belongs to college me, and last night I even had to get away from that person.

So once I hit North Ogden, I abandoned the freeway and headed west. West is a place where I have never been with any friend- it is a place I spent hours alone with my music, my books, and my thoughts. And that is the alone I needed yesterday.

My thoughts became clear about 15 minutes west of the freeway- surrounded by small fields and small town houses. I rounded curves and drove by trees and quit having songs on repeat. I found my concise statement, my clear direction.

But, just to be sure, I kept driving at 50 miles an hour straight west.

And then, I crossed a railroad tracks at the bottom of a mountain, and came to a dead end sign. The road ends, and I realized I had never driven that far before. 

I knew I could not keep going the direction I was heading. I knew that even though I wanted to keep driving away, I had to turn around and face where I had been. And by reaching the end of the road, I was ready to do that. I was ready to return.

And I return different than I had been, because I had finally reached the end of my road. 

And as I turned the car around, and looked out over the valley- the view was beautiful. Lights glistened from Brigham to Bountiful, and the clouds in the sky glowed red.

I was sure- the drive ahead would be better than the drive I had already taken.

And a bad day turned into a really good night.

On the way home, I stopped at Andy's. I was done being alone.

Music

This song plays on The OC all the time. And, I am quite the fan of the show. It plays at the end of the show, when you know everything is going to change.

When I hear it, I have mixed reactions. Sometimes it makes me sad. Other times it makes me hopeful. Either way, after I hear it, it is stuck in my head for days.

Cold Play's

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you 

I Feel Like Writing

I want to write a blog.
I want to explain what I am thinking and feeling- but I don't really know what to say. I just want to write.
I thought I'd try a free write thing- where I would just start writing, and hopefully the secrets of my soul will come barreling out for the cyber world to read.

Or they won't. Maybe I will just babble endlessly because frankly, that is how my thoughts are coming today.

I guess I'll start with my funny story today. A few years back, I worked with a woman and we got along in the beginning, but then there was a crazy mix-up and she threatened to sue me, and told the union complete lies about me and my yearbook staff. There was a lot going on in her life at the time, and she decided to transfer to another school. Since the last day of school that year, we have never seen each other.

Until today. We were in an all day GT meeting today. There were fifty people there, so we didn't really need to interact or even sit near each other. Plus it has been a few years, so whatever.

Until she was handing out papers. She walked behind me and smacked me on the back of the head. I thought she was saying, "Hello," so I turned around and said hi. Without looking at me or saying a word- she kept walking.

What??? I'd say maybe it was an accident, but it sure didn't feel like it. She didn't bump me- it was a smack on the back of my head.

Very weird.

I also got to calm a debate later in the afternoon, which I like more than actually debating. I like being able to find the compromise between two sides. I like being able to make all sides happy- or at least happy enough to move on. I like finding the solution.

Ok- at least I got to write something- even if it isn't really anything.

Praise = Motivation

It is interesting to me the difference I feel when positive comments and attitudes are sent my way. Today, I woman I have seen twice now- I don't even know her name- was able to talk to me for less than 10 minutes, and as she walked away I felt like such a good teacher.

And for the rest of the day, I consciously made decisions and acted like a "good" teacher would act. I didn't want her evaluation of me to ever be seen as wrong, and I just stepped up as a teacher.

My principal has decided to give me more money that required (by the district) for a yearbook advisor. He told me that I do more work on that book than the district pays me.

And it made me get motivated to get work done on the yearbook. I have fallen a little behind on it this last month, but I wanted to earn that extra money that he threw my way. He sees me as a good advisor, and I will not let him down.

And two friends today told me that I am a good person. They both told me this just after I had written a rather not nice blog because I was very frustrated with a situation. I didn't post it because I got a phone call...

And now I am more convicted than ever to be a nice person, and to make decisions based on compassion for other people. I am more convicted than I have been all week to be happy and to see the blessings that I have in my life.

And now, I want to try to give praise more to others. Praise made a difference in me-  :)

Cruising

After dinner and a movie, Andy and I realized it was still very early. We were unsure what to do with the remaining hours of the evening, and then I just decided- we were going cruising.

I love cruising at night and I don't do it nearly enough.

We jumped in 'Sally' and headed up the canyon (admittedly, we stopped to return the movie and get gas first). I have only been up this canyon once or twice in the 'stang, and I loved it! I cranked up the radio and sang loudly. And Sally, just kep wanting to go faster. It was really difficult to keep it near the speed limit. Oops!

It was a gorgeous night. I pulled over at a spot overlooking the lake. There weren't a lot of stars out, but there were enough to make me smile. It was freezing, so we were only outside for two minutes.

The coolest part was the frozen lake. It looked like arctic camo- gray/white blended into each other.

I made Andrew drive home. And he even humored my "happy-soul" adventure enought to honk the horn through the entire tunnel. And he danced with me in the car.

It was fun.

Reminding myself, before I forget...

I have tried to keep my blog positive for the most part. I wanted it to focus on my happy, peaceful, hopeful, fulfilled soul. You know... that voice I found last summer when I was driving home from Arizona and pulled over to dance in the rain.

Well, that is the voice I wanted the readers of my blog to hear more than any other voice. I did not want to focus on my political ideas or daily tasks. I did not want to focus on the craziness of my personal life.
I wanted this blog to focus on me only: my inner soul that is solely dependent on myself and the things I choose to find joy in.

But, this is not going to be a positive blog.
I need to tell the dark side of my soul and its journey...

That dark side comes out once every so often, and for a week or two I start to wonder if I have killed my soul all together.

My head knows this is hormonal but that does not really change it. I mentally can not focus for a week. My heart is broken over everything I have been through and done. And my soul does not see joy in anything: not a song, not a sunset, not my dogs or my job.


And the worst part is the first few days. like today. I know instantly when these feelings start coming on. I know instantly that I am about to start a week where I will wonder if I will ever get through it as the same person I was before. I dread knowing what is coming and yet I do not know how to stop it.
 
On this first day, the reasons make sense to me and I know that I will make it through these feelings eventually.

However, a few days from now I will not be so rational. I will not see things so sensibly. I will wonder if this is the time when it is different. I will wonder if this time I truly have been broken beyond repair. I fear what I will do under these conditions. In the depths of my despair I feel like I must do something to fix myself- I must make major changes in my life so that I can rid myself of all the negativity. I come up with drastic plans and long speeches that I know will solve all of my problems by getting rid of anything that causes a problem. I want to quit jobs, end relationships, sell cars, and donate my dogs to shelter.

And, for that week or two, doing any of these things will make me feel better. But, after this dreaded time is over, I know I will regret those decisions. I am happy with my job, my life, my car and my dogs.

But it sure is hard to keep my mouth shut during these times. It is hard to not throw a fit and yell and scream or to spend days on the couch in my pajamas wallowing. It is what I want to do and what I know will make me feel better at that moment.

But this voice in my head tells me it will not make me proud of myself. It will not make me happy in the long run. In the long run, I must have patience. I must be strong. I must get up each day and continue being my awesome self, even when I don't feel like it.

And that is why I write this particular blog- to be my voice when I don't remember that things will get better. This blog will serve as a reminder that I have felt like this before, and I have survived it.

And I will feel hope that I will survive it again.