Music

This song plays on The OC all the time. And, I am quite the fan of the show. It plays at the end of the show, when you know everything is going to change.

When I hear it, I have mixed reactions. Sometimes it makes me sad. Other times it makes me hopeful. Either way, after I hear it, it is stuck in my head for days.

Cold Play's

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you 

I Feel Like Writing

I want to write a blog.
I want to explain what I am thinking and feeling- but I don't really know what to say. I just want to write.
I thought I'd try a free write thing- where I would just start writing, and hopefully the secrets of my soul will come barreling out for the cyber world to read.

Or they won't. Maybe I will just babble endlessly because frankly, that is how my thoughts are coming today.

I guess I'll start with my funny story today. A few years back, I worked with a woman and we got along in the beginning, but then there was a crazy mix-up and she threatened to sue me, and told the union complete lies about me and my yearbook staff. There was a lot going on in her life at the time, and she decided to transfer to another school. Since the last day of school that year, we have never seen each other.

Until today. We were in an all day GT meeting today. There were fifty people there, so we didn't really need to interact or even sit near each other. Plus it has been a few years, so whatever.

Until she was handing out papers. She walked behind me and smacked me on the back of the head. I thought she was saying, "Hello," so I turned around and said hi. Without looking at me or saying a word- she kept walking.

What??? I'd say maybe it was an accident, but it sure didn't feel like it. She didn't bump me- it was a smack on the back of my head.

Very weird.

I also got to calm a debate later in the afternoon, which I like more than actually debating. I like being able to find the compromise between two sides. I like being able to make all sides happy- or at least happy enough to move on. I like finding the solution.

Ok- at least I got to write something- even if it isn't really anything.

Praise = Motivation

It is interesting to me the difference I feel when positive comments and attitudes are sent my way. Today, I woman I have seen twice now- I don't even know her name- was able to talk to me for less than 10 minutes, and as she walked away I felt like such a good teacher.

And for the rest of the day, I consciously made decisions and acted like a "good" teacher would act. I didn't want her evaluation of me to ever be seen as wrong, and I just stepped up as a teacher.

My principal has decided to give me more money that required (by the district) for a yearbook advisor. He told me that I do more work on that book than the district pays me.

And it made me get motivated to get work done on the yearbook. I have fallen a little behind on it this last month, but I wanted to earn that extra money that he threw my way. He sees me as a good advisor, and I will not let him down.

And two friends today told me that I am a good person. They both told me this just after I had written a rather not nice blog because I was very frustrated with a situation. I didn't post it because I got a phone call...

And now I am more convicted than ever to be a nice person, and to make decisions based on compassion for other people. I am more convicted than I have been all week to be happy and to see the blessings that I have in my life.

And now, I want to try to give praise more to others. Praise made a difference in me-  :)

Cruising

After dinner and a movie, Andy and I realized it was still very early. We were unsure what to do with the remaining hours of the evening, and then I just decided- we were going cruising.

I love cruising at night and I don't do it nearly enough.

We jumped in 'Sally' and headed up the canyon (admittedly, we stopped to return the movie and get gas first). I have only been up this canyon once or twice in the 'stang, and I loved it! I cranked up the radio and sang loudly. And Sally, just kep wanting to go faster. It was really difficult to keep it near the speed limit. Oops!

It was a gorgeous night. I pulled over at a spot overlooking the lake. There weren't a lot of stars out, but there were enough to make me smile. It was freezing, so we were only outside for two minutes.

The coolest part was the frozen lake. It looked like arctic camo- gray/white blended into each other.

I made Andrew drive home. And he even humored my "happy-soul" adventure enought to honk the horn through the entire tunnel. And he danced with me in the car.

It was fun.

Reminding myself, before I forget...

I have tried to keep my blog positive for the most part. I wanted it to focus on my happy, peaceful, hopeful, fulfilled soul. You know... that voice I found last summer when I was driving home from Arizona and pulled over to dance in the rain.

Well, that is the voice I wanted the readers of my blog to hear more than any other voice. I did not want to focus on my political ideas or daily tasks. I did not want to focus on the craziness of my personal life.
I wanted this blog to focus on me only: my inner soul that is solely dependent on myself and the things I choose to find joy in.

But, this is not going to be a positive blog.
I need to tell the dark side of my soul and its journey...

That dark side comes out once every so often, and for a week or two I start to wonder if I have killed my soul all together.

My head knows this is hormonal but that does not really change it. I mentally can not focus for a week. My heart is broken over everything I have been through and done. And my soul does not see joy in anything: not a song, not a sunset, not my dogs or my job.


And the worst part is the first few days. like today. I know instantly when these feelings start coming on. I know instantly that I am about to start a week where I will wonder if I will ever get through it as the same person I was before. I dread knowing what is coming and yet I do not know how to stop it.
 
On this first day, the reasons make sense to me and I know that I will make it through these feelings eventually.

However, a few days from now I will not be so rational. I will not see things so sensibly. I will wonder if this is the time when it is different. I will wonder if this time I truly have been broken beyond repair. I fear what I will do under these conditions. In the depths of my despair I feel like I must do something to fix myself- I must make major changes in my life so that I can rid myself of all the negativity. I come up with drastic plans and long speeches that I know will solve all of my problems by getting rid of anything that causes a problem. I want to quit jobs, end relationships, sell cars, and donate my dogs to shelter.

And, for that week or two, doing any of these things will make me feel better. But, after this dreaded time is over, I know I will regret those decisions. I am happy with my job, my life, my car and my dogs.

But it sure is hard to keep my mouth shut during these times. It is hard to not throw a fit and yell and scream or to spend days on the couch in my pajamas wallowing. It is what I want to do and what I know will make me feel better at that moment.

But this voice in my head tells me it will not make me proud of myself. It will not make me happy in the long run. In the long run, I must have patience. I must be strong. I must get up each day and continue being my awesome self, even when I don't feel like it.

And that is why I write this particular blog- to be my voice when I don't remember that things will get better. This blog will serve as a reminder that I have felt like this before, and I have survived it.

And I will feel hope that I will survive it again.

Forming Habits

I realize that I have a lot of worth while goals. At certain points this last year, I've woken up with all the energy in the world to conquer them all. Truth is- very few of them stuck.

Sure- my goal to make my bed every morning was set in June when I bought my new bedset- and I have accomplished it. It is so wonderful to come home each afternoon to a made bed.

In August, I was so excited to start my new life at my new school I made several charts to help me log my goals- exercise lists, menus, "take care of your soul" ideas, project deadlines- and honestly, I didn't do any of it for more than a week. Life caught up with me and things got crazy at the school. My personal life went from under control to out of control and really- I just didn't reach many of my goals.

In October, I decided on one goal to focus on- reading the Bible on a regular basis, and reading the whole thing in six months. I started reading in the evening before I went to bed. I haven't read it every day, but I didn't miss a day the first three weeks. The first time I missed a day, I missed it. Then I started reading in the morning too. Again, I haven't made it every day, but I do read most mornings. It is now part of my routine- and my goal is looking pretty good.

Two weeks ago, I set another goal. I wanted to go one week without eating out for dinner. (Not lunch- I'm never at my house on the weekends.) I went to the store, bought some groceries, and made a menu. It has now been 15 days and I haven't missed a meal. I am actually enjoying cooking and look forward to my meals. I don't miss eating out like I thought I would, though I do admit I was craving stuffed crust pizza this afternoon. It gives me left overs to eat at school, and I think it is saving me money.

So, I've decided the key to keeping goals for me is to focus on one goal at a time, until it becomes habit. Once one goal is a habit, then I can move on to the another goal.

I do admit- this is not easy for me. I feel so accomplished with my new eating habit, I am motivated to accomplish all of these other things. However, I know that doing it that way isn't going to work for me.

So- these are the habits I would like to develop... one at a time so they stick.

- Physical activity on a daily basis (even something small like a walk)
- Drink 8 cups of water a day (which will hopefully result in drinking less soda)
- Write/read four times a week for myself- not school
- Spend one day a week not doing any work or just watching TV- but do something different than normal

Even writing these, I think to myself, why can't I just do all of this now?

Music Monday on a Thursday

This song came on my Pandora radio a few weeks ago, and it just made me smile. It is the song that I play as I fall asleep at night now- when I am happy and at peace and want a song that matches my mood. 

I don't actually know why this song speaks to me, but it speaks to me in the depths of my soul. 

Hello World lyrics
 Lady Antebellum
Songwriters: Douglas, Tom; Lane, Tony; Lee, David;

Traffic cars, cell phone calls, top video screams at me
Through my tender window I see a little girl, rust red minivan
She's got chocolate on her face, got little hands
And she waves at me, yeah, she smiles at me

Well, hello world, how've you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel cold as steel
Broken like I'm never gonna heal
I see a light, little hole in the little girl
Well, hello world

Every day I drive by a little white church
It's got these little white crosses like angels in the yard
Maybe I should stop on in and say a prayer
Maybe talk to God like he is there

Oh, I know He's there, yeah, I know He's there

Well, hello world, how've you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel as cold as steel
And broken like I'm never gonna heal
I see a light, little grace, little faith unfurl
Well, hello world

Sometimes I forget what living's for
And I hear my life through my front door
And I'll be there, oh, I'm home again

I see my wife, little boy, little girl
Hello world, hello world

Oh, the empty disappears
I remember why I'm here
To surrender and believe
I fall down on my knees
Oh hello world, hello world, hello world