Metacognition: Thinking about my own thinking

 To explain this blog, I first quote Eat, Pray, Love and Elizabeth Gilbert's description of her mind's enemies: Depression & Loneliness.
"Depression and Loneliness track me down after about ten days in Italy. ...
They come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Detectives, and they flank me- Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right. They don't need to show me their badges. I know these guys very well. We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now...

I say to them, "How did you find me here? Who told you I had come to Rome?"
Depression, always the wise guy, says, "What- you're not happy to see us?"
"Go away," I tell him.
Loneliness, the more sensitve cop, says "I'm sorry ma'am. But I might have to tail you the whole time you're travelling. It's my assignment."
"I'd really rather you didn't," I tell him, and he shrugs almost apologetically, but only moves closer.

Then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then Loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread because it always goes on for hours. He's polite but relentless, and he always trips me up eventually. He asks if I have any reason to be happy that I know of. He asks why I am all by myself tonight, yet again. He asks (though we've been through this line of questioning hundreds of times already) why I can't keep a relationship going, why I ruined my marriage, why I messed things up with David, why I messed things up with every man I've ever been with. He asks me where I was the night I turned thirty, and why things have gone so sour since then. He asks why I can't get my act together, and why I'm not at home living in a nice house and raising nice children like any respectable woman my age should be. He asks why, ecaxtly, I think I deserve a vacation in Rome when I've made such a rubble of my life. He asks me why I think that running away to Italy lika college kid will make me happy. He asks where I think I'll end up on my old age, if I keep living this way.

I walk back home, hoping to shake them, but they keep following me, these two goons. Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness harangues me with his interrogation. I don't even bother eating dinner; I don't want them watching me. I don't want to let them up the stairs to my apartment, either, but I know Depression, and he's got a billy club, so there's no stopping him from coming in if he decides that he wants to."


I was thinking about this early in the morning, as my own mental enemies showed up, Guilt and Worry have hunted me down again this week. They creep into my house in the middle of the night, and somehow sneak past the dogs. (I can only hope they'll be better watch dogs if a robber ever shows up.) 

Guilt always comes first to remind me of all my flaws. Guilt points out that obviously I'm not doing absolutely everything possible to overcome them, because I'm still flawed. 



Guilt comes into my dreams as lost students that I can't find. He morphs into friends and family members that chant, "You ruined my life..." Last night he arrived as a forgotten pet that died of starvation and became a fly eating zombie.


Guilt gives no credit for effort. Guilt doesn't care about the "Hindsight is 20/20" idea. Guilt follows no statute of limitations. 

Worry always tags in. Just as I develop a plan to conquer Guilt, Worry points out all the things that MIGHT go wrong.  There is always the possibility of hurting others. And Worry chants, "Is getting rid of Guilt worth it? You MIGHT hurt another, but you'll save yourself!"  

And Guilt tags back in.


I think Worry sets this up to guarantee they both get to hang around. (Maybe Worry has a crush on Guilt?)

I think it is  time for Guilt and Worry to take a vacation.   :)