Week of the Gemini

It is difficult when horrible, tragic things happen.

Andy's cousin, my cousin, was killed this week. She was a sweet little two-year-old girl.

How does a parent get over that?

How does a parent get over it when the parent was the cause of the accidental death?

I am in no way putting blame on the parent. The little girl was two, and slipped out of the house and in front of the car. It was 100% an accident that could not have been seen or predicted.

But how does a parent accept that they caused their own child to die? How do you help that person? What do you say?

This event has left me with a dull feeling, almost numb. Whenever I am not distracted by something, I am checking the news for updates, Facebook for status changes, my phone for texts.

In a way, this event has consumed my thinking this week.

But, and I feel guilty about this, this week has also been amazing. I got new classes this week. I've been able to start over with my debate classes, and really focus on them. I've never really had this experience where my energy was so devoted to being a better DEBATE teacher. In the past, in the middle of the year, I've been focusing on a major unit in my English classes, and I just taught debate how I'd taught it the semester before. Even at the beginning of this year, I was so focused on my personal life, that I didn't really think about how to be a better debate teacher; I just taught it how I usually teach it.

But this semester I really thought about it. I have already done new things this first week, and I feel like a better teacher.

I am a better English teacher this week. My students have had amazing conversations and done challenging activities.

And my personal life this week has just been great. I went out with friends, attempting a service project on Tuesday. It didn't work out but it was fun to just get to know them a little better.

Wednesday, I got to spend hours with my friends from Oak Canyon. It was so amazing to just have girl talk. They lifted me up and helped me feel better about my decisions. They made me feel better about being a woman. We laughed.

And, Andy and I have had a really good week. Granted, I didn't see him for several days, but it made me miss him. And, I consider that a good feeling. Last night we did get to hang out, and though I was exhausted, I had so much fun. We cooked dinner together (Ok... I only cut the bread and grated the cheese, but I bought everything!).

Then we looked at puppies together. I lost my shoe in the mud, and when he pulled it out it actually made the suction noise. We took a puppy home (it isn't his... it is a gift.) I did have to smile when he pointed out that if the person didn't like the gift, he'd have to bring him home with him. Him coming home... it makes me happy.

And, in addition, it is just cute to see Andy playing with a puppy. They all love him, and he is so easily attached.

My mind feels accomplished. My heart is happy. My soul is light.

And then, I remember...

My mind is frustrated and occupied. My heart is in despair. My soul is shaken.

This is the life of a Gemini.