Reminding myself, before I forget...

I have tried to keep my blog positive for the most part. I wanted it to focus on my happy, peaceful, hopeful, fulfilled soul. You know... that voice I found last summer when I was driving home from Arizona and pulled over to dance in the rain.

Well, that is the voice I wanted the readers of my blog to hear more than any other voice. I did not want to focus on my political ideas or daily tasks. I did not want to focus on the craziness of my personal life.
I wanted this blog to focus on me only: my inner soul that is solely dependent on myself and the things I choose to find joy in.

But, this is not going to be a positive blog.
I need to tell the dark side of my soul and its journey...

That dark side comes out once every so often, and for a week or two I start to wonder if I have killed my soul all together.

My head knows this is hormonal but that does not really change it. I mentally can not focus for a week. My heart is broken over everything I have been through and done. And my soul does not see joy in anything: not a song, not a sunset, not my dogs or my job.


And the worst part is the first few days. like today. I know instantly when these feelings start coming on. I know instantly that I am about to start a week where I will wonder if I will ever get through it as the same person I was before. I dread knowing what is coming and yet I do not know how to stop it.
 
On this first day, the reasons make sense to me and I know that I will make it through these feelings eventually.

However, a few days from now I will not be so rational. I will not see things so sensibly. I will wonder if this is the time when it is different. I will wonder if this time I truly have been broken beyond repair. I fear what I will do under these conditions. In the depths of my despair I feel like I must do something to fix myself- I must make major changes in my life so that I can rid myself of all the negativity. I come up with drastic plans and long speeches that I know will solve all of my problems by getting rid of anything that causes a problem. I want to quit jobs, end relationships, sell cars, and donate my dogs to shelter.

And, for that week or two, doing any of these things will make me feel better. But, after this dreaded time is over, I know I will regret those decisions. I am happy with my job, my life, my car and my dogs.

But it sure is hard to keep my mouth shut during these times. It is hard to not throw a fit and yell and scream or to spend days on the couch in my pajamas wallowing. It is what I want to do and what I know will make me feel better at that moment.

But this voice in my head tells me it will not make me proud of myself. It will not make me happy in the long run. In the long run, I must have patience. I must be strong. I must get up each day and continue being my awesome self, even when I don't feel like it.

And that is why I write this particular blog- to be my voice when I don't remember that things will get better. This blog will serve as a reminder that I have felt like this before, and I have survived it.

And I will feel hope that I will survive it again.