Me at 19

As I was cleaning my room, (for Andy to come home!) I found my stack of letters to myself. I decided today was close enough to August, so I opened the letter that I wrote to myself at 19. Oddly, this letter speaks to me more than most of them do. I am not going to share the entire letter here, but moments of it-

I want a family. In 2011, I'll be 29. I hope I still love serving, and speaking. I really can't see myself- 29? How am I? I want to be married and in love. Divorce is NEVER an option. I want to be having fun... 

This reaffirms my decision to keep trying with Andy. The attitude that marriage is worth fighting for is something I have always had- it has always been part of me- even when I was single at age 19.

For 4 years in high school I fought to do everything. I was driving constantly- to show my parents I could, to prove Non-LDS could, to prove the 'new girl' could- to have it all. That all drove me- my dreams and goals drove me. And, I reached them all. I'm at school on scholarship- but now what?
 What drives me now? No one says I can't have it all. 

I still feel this way sometimes- that if I don't have a goal driving me I am a little bit lost. I just finished another endorsement program, and honestly, until I get my Masters Degree, my education has hit a ceiling. Part of me wants to get that degree right now, but their is a voice in me saying to hold off. I want to take time to be driven just by my own desires and feelings- not for the desire to get another thing checked off my list.

My parents love Andy so "he'll never stop your dreams." Andy supports me- there's nothing I have to prove. 

There was a time when I didn't feel like I had to choose between my family and Andy. I know eventually I won't have to anymore.

I want to teach. I have so many ideas. I want learning to be exciting and though provoking. I want these kids to build themselves in more than speaking and grammar. Yup- I want to have a communication teaching and English teaching major. I want to graduate WSU and teach. 

I reached this goal. I accomplished what I wanted so badly- years before it actually happened. I never changed majors or career paths in college, something rare according to statistics. I always knew this, and I love reading this reminder that I can absolutely do anything I set my mind to do.

Did I continue to serve others? That's my passion today- serving others- did it die out? What could replace the joy of helping a child or making a scared face smile?

This passion has never died out, though the commitment to it did. That is one regret that I have- I don't volunteer as much as I would like. Granted, I used to volunteer in schools, and now I work in one- but it is the helping others that I miss. I want this part of me back.

I do know I'll be okay. I have that fire in me, that strength that will never burn out or wear down. I will be okay. 

I will be ok.