Mother's Day

Today, for the first time, I get to celebrate Mother's Day. 

It seems very strange to me when I think of myself as a mother.  I guess I expected a huge change, but it doesn't seem like a huge change.  It seems like Jade has always been here.

I also feel like I should be celebrating her more than me.  She is the sweet soul that makes me a mother. Without her, I would not celebrate this day.  If she was old enough, we would celebrate with cookies and ice cream. 

Here's to little Jade- thanks for making me a Mom.

 Cinderella princess shoot

 One month

 Newborn- 13 days old

My favorite pic of her and Daddy.

Becoming a Mom

I became a mom on March 21.  We expected baby Jade in April and never thought she'd be here at 36 weeks.

On the 19th I went to my regular appointment, ultra-sound and non-stress test.  Baby passed the non-stress just fine, and the ultra-sound looked great. (And we made it out still team green.)  The only problem was showing up with my blood-pressure.  It was too high, again.  Additionally, my platelet count was continuing to drop.

I was told that I needed to take Thursday off work in order to have 24 hour labs run (for the third time).  My midwife left to consult the OB, and I sent Andy a text saying I would be home the next day. 

When she returned she informed me that plans had changed. They wanted me to check into the hospital so that they could monitor my blood work, blood pressure, and baby for 24 hours.

That didn't sound bad. I went home to pack and stopped at the school to pick up papers to grade. It was no big deal really.  I even had Andy stay home to take a nap instead of coming with me.  He went back to set that night to work because I really believed it was just observation and I'd be home the next day.

Thursday saw my NST results coming back as great. Baby was in a good shape with no concerning signs.  My platelets continued to drop all day, reaching below 100 that evening.  My blood pressure was high all day, ranging from "a little high" to "really" high. 

Early evening the nurse began assuring me that there was no way I would be returning to work. She predicted I'd be put on modified  bed rest at least.  My midwives refused to make a prediction, waiting for my 24 hour analysis to come back. 

I kept waiting to worry. I kept waiting to be scared. I kept waiting for some intense emotion. It never really came. I just knew that the test results would come back about 8:30pm, and I would get all answers then.

My mom stopped by that evening for awhile.  She left when the midwife (Claudia) and OB came into the room.

They suggested I be induced. They assured me that baby would be okay, but because of my blood pressure and platelets my own health had become at risk.  As much as they wanted baby to keep baking, the scale had tipped in the other direction.

Before leaving my midwife asked if I was okay and told me it was okay to cry if I needed. I didn't need to. This was what was going to happen.  I was a little in shock as I called Andy, trying to remember everything we were supposed to bring to the hospital with us.  The only thing I could remember was chap stick.  I think I ended up sending him a dozen texts of things to remember.

He arrived late that night. We both did our best to sleep.  The next morning, Friday, I was hooked up to pitocin. My midwife (Jenn) let me know that when I reached a 4 or 5 she would be hooking me up to a magnesium drip to prevent seizures due to high blood pressure.  It was expected to make me feel like I had the flu, so I was glad to put it off.

A few hours later, I had barely progressed. Jenn assured me that things would start to happen, and no one was impatient yet.  A few hours later, I had not progressed. Jenn started to seem concerned, but mostly about starting the magnesium. She knew I needed it, but didn't want to start it too early because it slowed labor down.

Because of my blood pressure I was not allowed out of bed except for the bathroom. This was the hardest part. I had planned on a non-medicated birth using the bath tub, a birthing ball, and walking around. I was not allowed to do anything but lie in my bed.  Contractions started to get worse, but I had little that I could do except breathe through them. I counted up or down every time.  They were painful, but never lasted long. Andy and I even had fun watching how high they would spark on the monitor.

Late afternoon Jenn returned, impressed with the contractions. They had been strong. They had hurt. I had not progressed.  I asked for an epidural. If I was not going to be able to handle my pain my way I wanted it to go away.  Jenn let me know they would be starting the magnesium soon because delaying it further with my contractions was dangerous.

The epidural came. The needle went in at the same moment a contraction started. I yelped from the pain. Not my finest moment, I admit, but the pain was soon over.  I had not progressed.

Jenn was pulled away for a delivery and returned after the magnesium started. She was very concerned at my lack of progression, especially since my pitocin was almost as high as it could go and the magnesium was known to slow things down.  She told me that I was looking at a possible c-section, and she wanted me to be prepared. She assured me she was not rushing to one yet, but that I needed to prepare for it.

It had been two hours since I had been checked, and she offered to check again just to see. I had not just progressed, but caught up to where they wanted me to be. I guess the rebel in me that didn't want a c-section had won out.

Three hours later, about 10:30, Jenn informed me that I was almost ready and that I would have a baby by the end of the night.  At 11:00, we were ready to push.

With Andy by my side telling me I was doing a good job, Jade was born at 11:33pm.  Andy told me she was a little girl, and he cut the cord.  She was on my chest for only a moment before she was taken away by the respiratory specialist and two others.  I knew she was okay though, as she started crying before she was taken away.  When the specialist announced her score as an 8-9, I was so relieved. I knew she would be okay at 36 weeks, but it was nice to have it confirmed.

They gave her back to me very soon after taking her because she was healthy. I got to hold her for a few minutes and then handed her to Andy.  He was a dad, her dad.  This is my favorite picture.

This was the first minute he was holding her.  A little while later I was taken to my hospital room, and Andy went with her to the nursery to finish her testing and bath. 

Fast forward to Sunday. The magnesium had some how never made me sick. I had been light-headed, but the nurses always seemed surprised to see me doing so well while "on mag."  Jade passed every test she took with flying colors.  She was discharged Sunday morning. I had to wait for decisions to be made because my blood pressure was not going down. 

About 4:30 that afternoon the nurse said I was being discharged and we needed to decide when we wanted to leave. That decision took all of 15 seconds: we want to leave now. 

We took Jade home that night.  We are parents.

It was not the timing we wanted, but I am so glad she is here now.

Making Me Sick!

ME:  How was your vacation?- to a male relative.

TODD:  It was great.

ME:  Who did you go with?

TODD:  My friend that I'm living with- I went with his wife.  He doesn't know that, but we did.

ME:  That is so wrong!  He doesn't know?

TODD: (paraphrased and shortened) Well it is his fault.  We were going to all go together, but he didn't arrange his stuff. I did my stuff, she did her stuff. He didn't take care of his stuff.  She told him she still he wanted to go without it.  He told her he didn't want her to go with me. I wanted to still go, so we told him that I was going camping while she went to Mexico.

ME:  That is so wrong! It isn't ok to lie to him. She shouldn't have gone with you.

TODD: He shouldn't tell her not to go if she wants to go. He could have come along. We had separate rooms... and she wants to lie to him.

ME:  But, it isn't ok for her to lie to her husband about it! He should be told.

TODD:  Well, I wasn't going to stay home, and she doesn't want him to know.  

Really?  Is it really ok to go on vacation for a week to Mexico with your friend's wife?  He let you move in after your wife divorced you and you help her lie/deceive him?  YOU GO TO MEXICO WITH HER???

This is not the first time I've seen this type of thing from these two people.  It makes me sick.  It makes me question humanity and morality and basic human decency.  

Am I the only one who thinks this is wrong?  Am I crazy???

I really want to tell the guy, but I only know his friend. I've met the wife and him once, but I never talked with them.  I wish someone had told me when Andy was deceiving me, and I wish someone had stood up to Andy to tell him it was wrong.  Instead, people just said it wasn't their business and let it go on. 

Where is that line between doing what is right and minding your own business?

I was a songwriter

My mom dug out multiple boxes from my old bedroom, and I found a lot of treasures.  A lot of the pictures made me laugh, and a few of them made me tear up a little. Mostly, I smiled.

At the VERY bottom of the LAST box (I know it sounds like I'm making that up but it is true...) I found a folder full of songs I wrote in elementary school. I was in 3rd, 4th, 5th grade- (I wish I had written down the dates) and I wanted to be a country singer. (Not really, since I can't really sing...)  Most of them are not finished, but only a verse or a chorus.

Here are a few of my favorites, starting with the ONE song I still remember the words and tune to.  Warning: they are CHEESEY! 

PS- I am leaving the spelling as I wrote it...

Fantasies

Unicorns and faries, elves and little knomes
They live in the storybook on my shelf back home
Witches and dragons always scare me,
You are now one of them
You're now a fantasy


Special Ingridiant

There's alot to a friendship,
Alot of special things,
Going to the moview,
and putting dimes in the machines.
A little bit of heaven from up above,
But the special ingridient is love.

Love is a great thing,
it comes only from inside,
it gives you happiness, friends, and pride,
A friendship takes a bit of heaven from above,
but that special ingridient is love

It Hurts  (REALLY CHEESY ALERT!
It hurts when you are sorry
It hurts deep inside
It hurts when you're wrong
It makes you swallow your pride
It hurts when you're all alone
When no one does care
Then it makes you mad
When suddenly someone's there

It hurts when your sad
It hurts real bad
You can't stop the hurt
When you're not allert
It hurts.

It hurts all the time you know
It hurts while it's tall
It hurts little to,
It makes you feel so, so small
It hurts when no ones there,
To care for you
It feels so lonely
And sometimes you are scared

Chorus

Tomorrow (Draft 1)
Come back, face you're problems
Things someday will bee better, tomorrow
It may not have bin a good day but
You must stay and face it, tomorrow
You may have lost something or someone
but don't give up, tomorrow
You must learn to face the facts of our life, tomorrow

Tomorrow, tomorrow, things might turn around
but don't give up today
Tomorrow, tomorrow you can't leave at all,
we will find a way

Things will turn around I know
They will for surten, tomorrow
You must face life the way you have it, tomorrow
Don't give up you will find a way to solve this,
I'm sure, tomorrow
Things will look better in the morning light, tomorrow

Chorus

Tomorrow (Draft 2)
Face your problems
Face the facts of life
Turn around, ask for help,
Don't let the world cut you like a knife
Family lost, don't worry
For every good there is a bad
So just sit back, relax
Just smile, be happy, be glad

Tomorrow things will be better, I'm sure
Life is never pure,
Happyness,
I never feel down,
Cause things always turn around
Tomorrow

Tell me all about your trouble
All help get through it
You'll be fine, I say
Come on, don't stand, just sit
Open up, let it out
Things will be all right,
Take it easy, calm down,
Things will turn out in the morning light

Chorus

Saying Goodbye

I never really knew Bradford. I said hello and 'nice to see you' a few times in life, but I never really knew him. The first time he and I actually had a conversation was a week before he died. It was amazing, but when he hugged me that night, I knew immediately that he was a man who cared deeply about others.

When he hugged me, he told me emphatically how glad he was that I was there again with Andy. The way he said it I knew had nothing to do with me- but had everything to do with how much he cared about my husband. He had known Andy for years, but in the time we were separated, he and Andy got to know each other as friends, instead of the friend-of-brother/little-brother-of-friend relationship they'd had before. 

And, even without knowing what would happen a week later, I knew the amazing man that was Bradford. I knew that he and Andy didn't spend a lot of time together, or talk very often, or even have much in common- but in two sentences Bradford showed me, a complete stranger, the depths of his love for anyone he knew.

The people who actually got to know this for more than 30 seconds of their life- how truly blessed you are.

Knowing how much Bradford made me feel special and loved in just a 30 second hug- explains the amazing children that I saw at his memorial yesterday. His daughter and son made us all laugh and cry. When the little girl explained how their new family is making adjustments and that they will be ok, I saw a strength well beyond her years. When she stepped to center stage and sang, "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow," from Annie a'Capella , I can't even express the amazement. And yes, the tears streamed down my face.

There is a new family out there tonight, grieving over the loss of an amazing father and brother, while at the same time doing the work to be a new family. They are an inspiration to me, and I don't even know them. But I am praying for them. 

Big Week Emotionally

Well- this has been one of those week full of BIG emotions- deep ones that make my soul shift and make life look a little different than it did last week.

Life looks... better. 

It has been an interesting year, and things are really settling down in to a great place. I never imagined or said that the journey of Andy coming home would be easy. And, it wasn't. But this week I just felt in the depth of my soul that life is normal now. The time when he lived somewhere else is in the past... a distant memory that fades more and more all the time.

An hour ago someone asked me about an event that took place while Andy was living somewhere else. This person is related to us, and didn't even remember that we had been separated. That's nice.

We also took dance lessons this week. Andy thought of the idea over a year ago, when he first told me he wanted to come home. He told me he wanted to learn to dance with me. We had a friend who taught them, but due to his busy schedule, a fire at his dance studio, relationship drama, and etc., etc., he hasn't taught a class since Andy came home. We found one through the local university and decided to sign up. Unfortunately the only opening was western swing, which is far above our skill level, but it was dancing.

And it was fun. We were both a little terrified, but the instructor was really good about just teaching little steps. Andy was actually a natural, and I was able to "follow" my "leader" for the first time ever on a dance floor. I've had lots of friends try to teach me, and they always complained that I wouldn't let them lead. Turns out I am capable doing it right!!! 

Flash forward to this weekend- and Andy is on set. To understand how HUGE it is for me to be here with him, you have to understand the reasons he moved out to begin with. It involved film, and the woman he met through film... 

This is the first major production that he has done of his own in awhile, and here I am with him. This scared me far more than dancing did- simply because his film world changed a lot while he was gone. New people have joined his circle, and he uses advanced techniques and uses lingo that I do not understand.

But today was just simply fun.  I got a lot of grading done in the down time, but I also got to chat with a lot fun people. The topics ranged from what I'm teaching in my class, to scary stories people told as children, to political propaganda, to dirty mouths, to knife throwing...  and I just loved it.

This was one of the final tests for me to know that I have recovered. Could I watch Andy on set again? Could I be on set again? Could I belong on set again?

And, I feel good.

My soul is flying.

Except- for all of the high emotions, there are the dark ones that have crept in to life again as well. A dear friend of Andy's family killed himself yesterday. His children  have now lost both of their parents. His best friend said today that he doesn't even feel pain yet, he is just angry.

And I remember that feeling so well...

I am sad for my loss. I am sad for my brother-in-law. I am pained for the children more than anyone else...

When I pray tonight, I will pray for this man, I will pray for his friends and family, I will pray for his children, and I will thank God for the blessings he has given me.

The Song in My Head

 This song is constantly in my head since I first heard it a few weeks ago. It actually came on the radio at the perfect time. I was driving to work the day I was teaching metaphor and simile- and it is full of metaphors! It was part of my lesson that day. 


And, since I feel like blogging but have no idea what to write- here is my latest favorite song.

"Ours"

Elevator buttons and morning air
Strangers' silence makes me want to take the stairs
If you were here we'd laugh about their vacant stares
But right now my time is theirs

Seems like there's always someone who disapproves
They'll judge it like they know about me and you
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury's out, my choice is you

So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours

You never know what people have up their sleeves
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me
Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles
But I don't care 'cause right now you're mine

And you'll say
Don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours

And it's not theirs to speculate
If it's wrong and
Your hands are tough
But they are where mine belong and
I'll fight their doubt and give you faith
With this song for you

'Cause I love the gap between your teeth
And I love the riddles that you speak
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored
'Cause my heart is yours

So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
Don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
But they can't take what's ours
They can't take what's ours

The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours

Turning 30

I don't turn 30 for another five months, and I am already not happy about this. I feel like I am getting older, without having so many things that I wanted to have by thirty.

Not that I regret the direction I have taken in life- I love my life and am quite happy with it. However, I also feel like that are certain things that I am running out of time to pursue.  I feel like I am behind on so many things.

I feel old.

Is 30 old? Is it too old to change my career?  Is it too old to start over in a new place?  It is too old to begin a family?  It is too old to decide in the middle of the night to take a few days off and go on vacation? 

In my head I know that 30 isn't too old to do anything. I have seen and known people who have done amazing things after 30.

I was just the person who planned out my life to the every detail- but I stopped at 30. I haven't fulfilled the plan and I feel like my time is up.  It is like the Mayan calendar ending. We've looked to that calendar for so long- what will we look at when it has ended? 

Oh the things I want to still do...  I almost feel like I have wasted my 20's. Don't take that the wrong way- I really have loved my 20's- but could I have done more? 

I guess the regretting won't actually do any good. I guess all I can do now is try to concentrate on doing the things after 30 that I didn't get to before.

So, here is the plan.  Maybe if I start now, turning 30 in five months won't be so difficult...

I will apply for my Master's degree after I get paid in March.  I will be accepted (Right???) because the program is "non-competitive" and I will register for classes next fall. In 2.5 years, I will have the license to be a principal.

I will start saving money for a trip to Peru. It is top on my list of "Places I want to Visit but Probably Never Will."  That list needs to disappear, starting with Peru.

I will have a party for my 30th birthday. (Andy has already been told that this party would happen, since I haven't had a birthday party since I was 17...???)

I will do something "Once in a lifetime..." for my 30th. I am thinking skydiving...

I need to embrace thirty... and I have five months to get to it. 

Soul Happy Moments

I haven't written a blog post in a long time. If you are reading this, please understand the purpose of my blog. I never started it with the intent to document my life or keep you informed about what is happening. I wrote it to give my soul a voice. I wrote it to give me a place to remember that I can't always be logical and rational. Sometimes- a person just has to follow the little voice in them that says, "Live."

These are the moments when I felt most alive recently.

- I loved just chatting with another teacher at the school. It wasn't about school- it was about life. I don't know that I let that happen nearly as often as I should.

- Older K on Christmas- I LOVE the amazing little lady she is becoming! She was so nice and polite opening presents, and she is such a good older sister. Every time she ran to the camera to say thanks to my parents, I was so thrilled to hear it!

- Little K on Christmas- I love listening to her talk. I just wanted to let her play with her presents, and it was so sad to watch them get taken away- even if it was so she could open another. Ok, sad, but at the same time- so cute in a "the little things in life make you happy" kind of way.

- E- she was so excited to get the bubble wrap from my Mom's present. She put it out as a "road" in the hallway and ran back and forth on it forever. She also insisted that we walk on it on our way upstairs. That in itself was adorable and made me smile.

- I have to admit, for the rest of the day I walked on the bubblewrap too because it just made me happy.

- I own a unicorn named PJ. (Pearl James) Andy gave her to me for Christmas, and the entire drive home the other night all I wanted to do was pet her over and over. She is so soft and I love unicorns. (For those of you who missed the memo- I used to have half dozen unicorn posters hanging on my walls, and I really believed some day I would find a real one...) 

- Andy gave me an xylophone for Christmas too. It is supposed to be for something for my classroom, but I started playing music on it the other day. It was so fun!

- Christmas service at the Rock church. I just felt at peace singing to the music. There is a lot of stuff in my head most of the time, but there my soul was shining through.

- Santa Jello Desserts - I like jello. It was fun to make them, even if they didn't end up looking like Santa.

- I can make a good hors-d'oeurve! I am not good at appetizers and party food, but I went to a party last week that served these really good cheese/bread things. I asked how to make them and they were SO easy!!! I am excited to be able to make something "fancy" for a future party.

Music Monday- because I want to blog and don't know what to say

I like this song- it has been stuck with me this last week.

"God Gave Me You"

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
Gave me you

There’s more here than what we’re seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
And I’ll be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.

My Soul is Found on the Road to Arizona

I just took a quick trip to my hometowns of Taylor/Snowflake, Arizona for a friend's funeral. I drove down myself, in my Mustang, and it took all of about 40 minutes for me to realize that the drive down brings out my memories of soul forming events and people.

If you want to get to know me- the whole me- the good, the bad, the past, the present, the secret, the obvious- all you have to do is take a 10 hour road trip (yes parents- it should only take 10 hours!) to a small town in the White Mountains of Arizona- and let me talk.

If you ride with me, I probably won't start talking until Nephi- and in Nephi I'll tell you about that certain boy that was around as I was figuring out my views on men and love. He was my first heart ache.

A little passed Nephi, I point out a sign for Scipio. I'll tell you about the woman I knew in college from that town, and how she was an incredible lady. But, what formed my soul more than her was the job that led me to her- a job where I met and worked with angels on earth, and was given the amazing opportunity to help them on their journey.

As the road gets empty, I might tell you about the many road trips I've taken in my life- my trips with Whitney where I learned to love the road- my trips with CJ where we laughed way too much- my first trip with Andy when I realized that we really could rely on each other- my trip with just my dad- and my trip with just my mom. I learned so much more about these people as I journeyed with them- and in turn, those relationships shaped me into the woman you know.

I might tell you about my other travels- in airplanes. You'll hear about the STOP program, and the moment I realized I wanted to be a speech & debate teacher. You'll hear about my favorite airports and my love for the business of them. You'll hear about the day I realized I no longer wanted to travel for a living, but only for vacation, and how I cried at the realization as I walked through a random hotel.

When we get to Flagstaff and the Grand Canyon area, I'll tell you about Girl Scouts and how it changed my life. I'll tell you about Dody and Joyce, and how their simple decision set me on a path of holding multiple offices in multiple clubs.

In Holbrook I'll tell you about my family- and the family parties that we had during my younger years. I'll tell you about my cousins, aunts, and uncles. I'll tell you about poker and my grandparents back bedroom where we spent hours playing make believe.

Pulling in to Snowflake, you'll hear about my junior high years- as I spent them on the streets of Snowflake- rollerblading and walking the sidewalks. I'll tell you about my friends that I met there, and their families that still live there. I'll tell you about Misti, Roger, Greg, Jeremy, Justin, Jared...

I'll take you on a detour and we'll pass the Carousel PreSchool, and I'll tell you about Pat- the woman who in one conversation changed the course of my life. We'll also drive by the district office, where I spent hours in the GT program. I'll tell you about Mr. Evans, and how his belief in us got us to Disneyworld without him a year later.

By  that point, I'll have to tell you about Disneyland and Disneyworld with my family. You will come to understand my love for Disney parks, once you understand those trips.

By then, we will be at my house- the house I grew up in- and I'll tell you about tree forts, bike rides, and night games. I'll tell you about trees that are no longer there, but that flew me to the moon and Mars. I'll tell you about finding horny toads and lizards, rock climbing, and sledding. We'll drive by my first best friend's house, and I'll tell you about our adventures with the law. I'll tell you about the neighbors, Britt, Jess and others.

We'll drive by the fire department, and you will learn about my love of fireworks, and my deep respect for fire fighters.

As we drive by the junior high, intermediate and elementary schools, you'll learn of my hero worship for my teachers. I'll tell you that I was born to be a teacher- and nothing else was ever seriously considered. You'll hear of my love of story writing, reading, and math facts.

At some point, I'll tell you that this town is where I started to love running, which led to my membership of the cross- country team- which led to a picture of my crying on the front page of a newspaper in Utah. That team is the basis for my Utah friendships- friendships that are a deep part of me.

And, that will start me telling you about the other teams that changed my life and brought me life long friends. I'll talk about FCCLA, Key Club, and Mock Trial. And I'll tell you about JJ, and how his death is something I don't think I will ever fully recover from.

I'll show you the corner where I dodged what would have been my first kiss, and maybe I'll tell you about my first kiss. I'll tell you about the boy I sat next to on the hill, wishing he'd hold my hand and knowing that he couldn't. I'll tell you about my first three loves- and how they all took very different paths. I'll tell you about how I loved holding hands and about the first time I held Andy's.

I'll have to tell you about the moment I was humbled meeting one of those first love's mom years later, and having her ask me if I knew the "Richmond girl" who had meant so much to her son before he died- only to find out that girl was me. And that will lead me to tell you about the other humbling moment, when a teacher first told me what it meant to be a good person- not just a good student. I'll tell you about my obsession with that term.

We'll keep driving until we get to Shumway, and I'll tell you about my grandparents, mud forts, and the first time I felt that I had encountered evil. I'll show you the place where I dreamed of getting married, and tell you about my actual wedding 11 hours away.

I'll tell you about my heart ache, and how it changed me. I'll tell you about buying my Mustang, and finding my soul on a different trip to Arizona- and how I pulled over to dance in the pouring rain, and I'll pull us over, and make us twirl in the road- just as a show that Arizona trips in the Mustang are not complete without a show of childhood carefreeness.  :)

By then, it will be time to turn around... and you'll know far more about me than you even wanted to know.

Me at 19

As I was cleaning my room, (for Andy to come home!) I found my stack of letters to myself. I decided today was close enough to August, so I opened the letter that I wrote to myself at 19. Oddly, this letter speaks to me more than most of them do. I am not going to share the entire letter here, but moments of it-

I want a family. In 2011, I'll be 29. I hope I still love serving, and speaking. I really can't see myself- 29? How am I? I want to be married and in love. Divorce is NEVER an option. I want to be having fun... 

This reaffirms my decision to keep trying with Andy. The attitude that marriage is worth fighting for is something I have always had- it has always been part of me- even when I was single at age 19.

For 4 years in high school I fought to do everything. I was driving constantly- to show my parents I could, to prove Non-LDS could, to prove the 'new girl' could- to have it all. That all drove me- my dreams and goals drove me. And, I reached them all. I'm at school on scholarship- but now what?
 What drives me now? No one says I can't have it all. 

I still feel this way sometimes- that if I don't have a goal driving me I am a little bit lost. I just finished another endorsement program, and honestly, until I get my Masters Degree, my education has hit a ceiling. Part of me wants to get that degree right now, but their is a voice in me saying to hold off. I want to take time to be driven just by my own desires and feelings- not for the desire to get another thing checked off my list.

My parents love Andy so "he'll never stop your dreams." Andy supports me- there's nothing I have to prove. 

There was a time when I didn't feel like I had to choose between my family and Andy. I know eventually I won't have to anymore.

I want to teach. I have so many ideas. I want learning to be exciting and though provoking. I want these kids to build themselves in more than speaking and grammar. Yup- I want to have a communication teaching and English teaching major. I want to graduate WSU and teach. 

I reached this goal. I accomplished what I wanted so badly- years before it actually happened. I never changed majors or career paths in college, something rare according to statistics. I always knew this, and I love reading this reminder that I can absolutely do anything I set my mind to do.

Did I continue to serve others? That's my passion today- serving others- did it die out? What could replace the joy of helping a child or making a scared face smile?

This passion has never died out, though the commitment to it did. That is one regret that I have- I don't volunteer as much as I would like. Granted, I used to volunteer in schools, and now I work in one- but it is the helping others that I miss. I want this part of me back.

I do know I'll be okay. I have that fire in me, that strength that will never burn out or wear down. I will be okay. 

I will be ok.  

Rings & Boxes

Andy started wearing his wedding ring again early last week. Seeing it on his finger just made me happy. Every time I have seen him in the last two weeks, I just want to rub his ring finger and touch the ring.

He took it out from where it was kept awhile ago, and he's been carrying it in his pockets for a couple of months now. Him doing that made me happy, but seeing him slip it on to his finger makes me heart, mind, and soul align in a moment of joy and contentment.

I took my ring out of my cedar chest two months ago- and put the box on my night stand. (No, I never got rid of it. I tucked it away a year ago, certain eventually I would know what to do with it. I'm glad I didn't get rid of it.)

Side note- a few months ago I was in an apartment and found another woman's wedding ring left behind in the medicine cabinet. It broke my heart to know the a symbol of something so sacred was on a shelf next to old toothpaste and expired medication. 

Back to the more important ring- mine. It sat on my night stand, and I would look at it before going to bed. I took it to Europe with me, not wanting to leave it behind.

I have been wanting to wear it again, but wasn't sure when. I assumed it would be an odd feeling, or an overwhelming feeling. This last Sunday morning I put it on for the first time in over a year. And it was just- normal. It seemed like it had been there all along. There was no overwhelming emotion either positive or negative- it just felt like the ring was where it belonged. 

The first time Andy saw it on- he had to rub my finger just like I do his.  :)

Two months ago we decided Andy would move home at the end of July. Tonight, Andy started carrying his boxes into the house. In fact, there is a huge pile of boxes in our living room right now, and it has given me perma grin. All of my worries faded when the first box was set down on my living room floor. His things belong here, with him and me.

Andy is moving home.

I picked up a first box to help him unload the car, and then I was overwhelmed with excitement and joy. I was carrying in Andy's things- and we are making this house OUR home again. We couldn't unload fast enough for me- and I just want to start unpacking the boxes!!!

Andy isn't completely moved home yet. He has more boxes to pack and a few more car loads to bring down. But, considering our journey to get him home started over ten months ago, two more days is nothing.

I sit and stare at my ring and these boxes, and I just feel peace.

The Whole Truth of Europe

Last summer, after Andy left, I pulled out my bucket list, and I vowed to check things off. My first promise to myself was to go to Europe in a summer. Andy and I had planned the trip before, but just never actually committed to going- and I was determined to put if off no longer. 

As things have turned out, Andy came back, and we went to Europe together. We went on the trip that I had been planning all year (Thanks Andy!) and added a few days to visit Scotland for him.

The trip ended up being more than just checking things off a bucket list- more than just a dream come true. I was living in a fantasy land where every day was full of moments of pure happiness. I visited in the Vatican and was serenaded while drinking wine at a candle lit table. I walked the streets of Pompeii and drank Champagne in the land it was named after. I heard the bells of Notre Dame and saw the Aphrodite and Mona Lisa. I looked off the tower of a castle, and another castle, and another. I felt the breeze of Stonehenge and road a boat on a Scotland loch. I saw Wicked in London, and walked the rooftops of Paris.

I checked things off my bucket list that I didn't even know belonged on it. Every time we went out walking- it was a "happiness" walk. Just walking the streets and seeing buildings older than our country made me smile.

Having Andy with me was an incredible bonus to the whole thing. It was fun making decisions together, and relying on each other to figure things out. He is much better with a map than I am, but I am much more comfortable navigating through an airport. He is more adventurous with food, but I keep track of the schedule. He is the amazing photographer, but I take awesome photos of him. He reminded me to not worry so much, and I made sure we made it to the plane on time. We put it all out there every day- we were determined to enjoy every tour, to find the good in every city, and to soak in all we could.

We were living in a fantasy world, and I was really sad to leave it. I think one of my favorite moments was when Andy told me he could get used to "this traveling thing."  I would love to live in this fantasy world again.

Why do I Care?

i am sitting at a film set- helping when i can. i used to fit in here. i used to film normal here. over the past year i have missed being part of this like i used to be. but i am back now, and i am excited to be here again.

i can't wait for andy to actually pick up the camera and start filming. he is so happy when a camera is in his hand, and i love to watch it and have missed it.

not to mention, my birthday is in a few hours and i leave for europe in the morning. i am so excited and happy with my life at this one moment. i am happy.

side note... nothing is capitalized because i am on my phone and it will not let me make caps. driving me crazy as an english teacher.

but, my real point is, with all this goodness, why do i care that there is a person on set who is treating me like shit. he came inhating me, and continues to just be rude. i have never met this person before tonight, but he is rude and it is personal. why do i care/

A Song from my Walk

I turned on my Pandora radio while I was out walking tonight. This song by OneRepublic came on, and I think it is completely fitting for today. 


"Come Home"

[Verse 1]
Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh

[Verse 2]
I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Oh

[Interlude]
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home

Happiness Walk 5-22-11

I walked for almost an hour today. I'd only planned on being gone 20-30 minutes, but it was so nice I just kept walking. These are the things I found that made me happy-

1. An old wooden well in someone's front yard
2. A row of dark pink tulips lining a sidewalk
3. Slug bugs- three of them to be exact
4. A row of pine trees at an elementary school
5. Fresh cut grass in every other yard
6. Two HUGE dogs running down the same street in opposite directions
7. Swings! I even took time out to play.
8. Dark clouds and a light drizzle- it was the perfect amount of rain for a spring walk
9. My new walking shoes feel good on my left foot, and I think I finally got the tension right on my right foot
10. Myself- I was just happy and carefree and full of hope and joy

Thanks Friend- My ABC's

I totally stole this from a friend, and I am not ashamed. 

A. Age: 28- in less than a month I'll be 29
B. Bed Size: Queen
C. Chore you hate: Does getting gas count as a chore? I HATE getting gas- and it has nothing to do with the price. I hate the physical act of pumping gas- I feel like it is a waste of good time.
D. Day: I generally like Thursdays.
E. Essential Start to your Day: Contacts go in my eyes before I do anything else!
F. Favorite Color: Blue- all shades, and purple.
G. Gold or Silver: Silver-but gold is really growing on me
H. Height: 5'6.5''
I. Instrument: TECHNICALLY- I can play piano and violin. Never got good at the piano, and I can't tune my own violin. My orchestra teacher referred to me as a trained monkey with no pitch. So... I will stick to my car drumming.
J. Job Title: Which job? I am a debate/English/yearbook teacher, English CTL, VHMS Data Specialist, and Alpine District Elementary GT Testing Coordinator
K. Kids:  Make up much of my life- I teach 200 hundred of them.
L. Live: in a small city that is too big for me. I miss borders around my town.
M. Mom's name: Mary
N. Nicknames: James, Jama, JPDuck, Jemima, Jamie Joe, Sister Sue, Jamalou, and I was once called Jalopy, but that was never repeated.
O. Overnight hospital stays: Never- except as a newborn.
P. Pet Peeves: Slow kids in the hallway
Q. Quote from a Movie: Love lots of them- but the most recent favorite is about a couple starting out on a new phase of their relationship, which I relate to, so that may be why I think this is funny- something like-
"I think I am going to start peeing with the door open."
"I think no."
"I'm going to do it all the time. This is going to get weird."
R. Right or left handed: Right
S. Siblings: 2- a brother and sister-
T. Time I wake up: about 6:20 lately, but once testing is over I hope to sleep another twenty minutes.
U. Underwear: what about it? Yes? No? Color- blue.
V. Veggie you dislike: Don't even know the name, but it was gross!
W. What makes you run late: kids....aways slow to get ready.
X. X-rays you've had: Only my lungs as far as I can remember- and teeth
Y. Yummy food you make: My manicotti and lasagna are pretty good
Z. Zoo: Love zoos- and my favorite experience ever was seeing the panda in San Diego. It was cute and magical and totally fulfilled my dream of seeing of a panda.

The Stats that Kids Shouldn't Know?

1. In the 2006-2007 school year, there were 1.7 million nonfatal crimes committed at school, ranging from assault to theft.
2. Nearly a third of American students reported a prevalence of drugs and gangs in their schools in 2010.
3. 1 in 12 teens in high school are injured or threatened with a weapon each year.
4. 77% of students are bullied mentally, verbally, or physically.
5. Young people who bully are more likely to smoke, drink alcohol, and get into fights.
6. Middle school students are more than twice as likely as high school students to be affected by school violence.
7. About 8% of eighth graders stay home at least once a month to avoid a bully.
8. Revenge is the strongest motivation for school shootings.
9. During the 2009-2010 school year, there were 11 deaths due to school violence.
10. Nearly 50% of homicide perpetrators gave some type of warning signal, including making a threat or leaving a note, prior to the event.
11. Most school-associated violent deaths occur during transition times – before and after the school day and during lunch.

Sources:

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

Constitutional Rights Foundation

US Department of Justice

Love the Puppies

With the situation with Lady, I am more focused on my dogs at the moment. And, it may be wrong to laugh at them... but they are just funny.

I have to give Lady two pills, twice a day. And in order to this, I have to put them in peanut butter, which Lady and Jackie both LOVE! Well, to keep myself from being covered in peanut butter or from killing Jackie- I choose to separate the dogs while I give Lady her pills. Then, I give Jackie some peanut butter just because I don't want her to feel unloved.

So, twice a day I convince Lady to come in the kitchen, and after a bit of confusion and sometimes collar pulling- I lock the dog gate, which keeps Jackie out. Since Monday, my dogs have given me the SADDEST looks as I split them up. Jackie whimpers at the gate. Lady tucks her tail and ears like she's being punished and crawls to me in the kitchen. They HATE being split up! (They start wagging their tails once I give the treat, and Jackie is the most excited dog ever when I open the gate.)

But, I think they have caught on. I didn't have to fight them today to separate them. Lady came in the kitchen, tail wagging. Jackie sat at the gate while I closed it- tail wagging.

I guess peanut butter is worth the agony of being apart...