Me at 19

As I was cleaning my room, (for Andy to come home!) I found my stack of letters to myself. I decided today was close enough to August, so I opened the letter that I wrote to myself at 19. Oddly, this letter speaks to me more than most of them do. I am not going to share the entire letter here, but moments of it-

I want a family. In 2011, I'll be 29. I hope I still love serving, and speaking. I really can't see myself- 29? How am I? I want to be married and in love. Divorce is NEVER an option. I want to be having fun... 

This reaffirms my decision to keep trying with Andy. The attitude that marriage is worth fighting for is something I have always had- it has always been part of me- even when I was single at age 19.

For 4 years in high school I fought to do everything. I was driving constantly- to show my parents I could, to prove Non-LDS could, to prove the 'new girl' could- to have it all. That all drove me- my dreams and goals drove me. And, I reached them all. I'm at school on scholarship- but now what?
 What drives me now? No one says I can't have it all. 

I still feel this way sometimes- that if I don't have a goal driving me I am a little bit lost. I just finished another endorsement program, and honestly, until I get my Masters Degree, my education has hit a ceiling. Part of me wants to get that degree right now, but their is a voice in me saying to hold off. I want to take time to be driven just by my own desires and feelings- not for the desire to get another thing checked off my list.

My parents love Andy so "he'll never stop your dreams." Andy supports me- there's nothing I have to prove. 

There was a time when I didn't feel like I had to choose between my family and Andy. I know eventually I won't have to anymore.

I want to teach. I have so many ideas. I want learning to be exciting and though provoking. I want these kids to build themselves in more than speaking and grammar. Yup- I want to have a communication teaching and English teaching major. I want to graduate WSU and teach. 

I reached this goal. I accomplished what I wanted so badly- years before it actually happened. I never changed majors or career paths in college, something rare according to statistics. I always knew this, and I love reading this reminder that I can absolutely do anything I set my mind to do.

Did I continue to serve others? That's my passion today- serving others- did it die out? What could replace the joy of helping a child or making a scared face smile?

This passion has never died out, though the commitment to it did. That is one regret that I have- I don't volunteer as much as I would like. Granted, I used to volunteer in schools, and now I work in one- but it is the helping others that I miss. I want this part of me back.

I do know I'll be okay. I have that fire in me, that strength that will never burn out or wear down. I will be okay. 

I will be ok.  

Rings & Boxes

Andy started wearing his wedding ring again early last week. Seeing it on his finger just made me happy. Every time I have seen him in the last two weeks, I just want to rub his ring finger and touch the ring.

He took it out from where it was kept awhile ago, and he's been carrying it in his pockets for a couple of months now. Him doing that made me happy, but seeing him slip it on to his finger makes me heart, mind, and soul align in a moment of joy and contentment.

I took my ring out of my cedar chest two months ago- and put the box on my night stand. (No, I never got rid of it. I tucked it away a year ago, certain eventually I would know what to do with it. I'm glad I didn't get rid of it.)

Side note- a few months ago I was in an apartment and found another woman's wedding ring left behind in the medicine cabinet. It broke my heart to know the a symbol of something so sacred was on a shelf next to old toothpaste and expired medication. 

Back to the more important ring- mine. It sat on my night stand, and I would look at it before going to bed. I took it to Europe with me, not wanting to leave it behind.

I have been wanting to wear it again, but wasn't sure when. I assumed it would be an odd feeling, or an overwhelming feeling. This last Sunday morning I put it on for the first time in over a year. And it was just- normal. It seemed like it had been there all along. There was no overwhelming emotion either positive or negative- it just felt like the ring was where it belonged. 

The first time Andy saw it on- he had to rub my finger just like I do his.  :)

Two months ago we decided Andy would move home at the end of July. Tonight, Andy started carrying his boxes into the house. In fact, there is a huge pile of boxes in our living room right now, and it has given me perma grin. All of my worries faded when the first box was set down on my living room floor. His things belong here, with him and me.

Andy is moving home.

I picked up a first box to help him unload the car, and then I was overwhelmed with excitement and joy. I was carrying in Andy's things- and we are making this house OUR home again. We couldn't unload fast enough for me- and I just want to start unpacking the boxes!!!

Andy isn't completely moved home yet. He has more boxes to pack and a few more car loads to bring down. But, considering our journey to get him home started over ten months ago, two more days is nothing.

I sit and stare at my ring and these boxes, and I just feel peace.

The Whole Truth of Europe

Last summer, after Andy left, I pulled out my bucket list, and I vowed to check things off. My first promise to myself was to go to Europe in a summer. Andy and I had planned the trip before, but just never actually committed to going- and I was determined to put if off no longer. 

As things have turned out, Andy came back, and we went to Europe together. We went on the trip that I had been planning all year (Thanks Andy!) and added a few days to visit Scotland for him.

The trip ended up being more than just checking things off a bucket list- more than just a dream come true. I was living in a fantasy land where every day was full of moments of pure happiness. I visited in the Vatican and was serenaded while drinking wine at a candle lit table. I walked the streets of Pompeii and drank Champagne in the land it was named after. I heard the bells of Notre Dame and saw the Aphrodite and Mona Lisa. I looked off the tower of a castle, and another castle, and another. I felt the breeze of Stonehenge and road a boat on a Scotland loch. I saw Wicked in London, and walked the rooftops of Paris.

I checked things off my bucket list that I didn't even know belonged on it. Every time we went out walking- it was a "happiness" walk. Just walking the streets and seeing buildings older than our country made me smile.

Having Andy with me was an incredible bonus to the whole thing. It was fun making decisions together, and relying on each other to figure things out. He is much better with a map than I am, but I am much more comfortable navigating through an airport. He is more adventurous with food, but I keep track of the schedule. He is the amazing photographer, but I take awesome photos of him. He reminded me to not worry so much, and I made sure we made it to the plane on time. We put it all out there every day- we were determined to enjoy every tour, to find the good in every city, and to soak in all we could.

We were living in a fantasy world, and I was really sad to leave it. I think one of my favorite moments was when Andy told me he could get used to "this traveling thing."  I would love to live in this fantasy world again.

Why do I Care?

i am sitting at a film set- helping when i can. i used to fit in here. i used to film normal here. over the past year i have missed being part of this like i used to be. but i am back now, and i am excited to be here again.

i can't wait for andy to actually pick up the camera and start filming. he is so happy when a camera is in his hand, and i love to watch it and have missed it.

not to mention, my birthday is in a few hours and i leave for europe in the morning. i am so excited and happy with my life at this one moment. i am happy.

side note... nothing is capitalized because i am on my phone and it will not let me make caps. driving me crazy as an english teacher.

but, my real point is, with all this goodness, why do i care that there is a person on set who is treating me like shit. he came inhating me, and continues to just be rude. i have never met this person before tonight, but he is rude and it is personal. why do i care/

A Song from my Walk

I turned on my Pandora radio while I was out walking tonight. This song by OneRepublic came on, and I think it is completely fitting for today. 


"Come Home"

[Verse 1]
Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh

[Verse 2]
I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Oh

[Interlude]
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home

Happiness Walk 5-22-11

I walked for almost an hour today. I'd only planned on being gone 20-30 minutes, but it was so nice I just kept walking. These are the things I found that made me happy-

1. An old wooden well in someone's front yard
2. A row of dark pink tulips lining a sidewalk
3. Slug bugs- three of them to be exact
4. A row of pine trees at an elementary school
5. Fresh cut grass in every other yard
6. Two HUGE dogs running down the same street in opposite directions
7. Swings! I even took time out to play.
8. Dark clouds and a light drizzle- it was the perfect amount of rain for a spring walk
9. My new walking shoes feel good on my left foot, and I think I finally got the tension right on my right foot
10. Myself- I was just happy and carefree and full of hope and joy

Thanks Friend- My ABC's

I totally stole this from a friend, and I am not ashamed. 

A. Age: 28- in less than a month I'll be 29
B. Bed Size: Queen
C. Chore you hate: Does getting gas count as a chore? I HATE getting gas- and it has nothing to do with the price. I hate the physical act of pumping gas- I feel like it is a waste of good time.
D. Day: I generally like Thursdays.
E. Essential Start to your Day: Contacts go in my eyes before I do anything else!
F. Favorite Color: Blue- all shades, and purple.
G. Gold or Silver: Silver-but gold is really growing on me
H. Height: 5'6.5''
I. Instrument: TECHNICALLY- I can play piano and violin. Never got good at the piano, and I can't tune my own violin. My orchestra teacher referred to me as a trained monkey with no pitch. So... I will stick to my car drumming.
J. Job Title: Which job? I am a debate/English/yearbook teacher, English CTL, VHMS Data Specialist, and Alpine District Elementary GT Testing Coordinator
K. Kids:  Make up much of my life- I teach 200 hundred of them.
L. Live: in a small city that is too big for me. I miss borders around my town.
M. Mom's name: Mary
N. Nicknames: James, Jama, JPDuck, Jemima, Jamie Joe, Sister Sue, Jamalou, and I was once called Jalopy, but that was never repeated.
O. Overnight hospital stays: Never- except as a newborn.
P. Pet Peeves: Slow kids in the hallway
Q. Quote from a Movie: Love lots of them- but the most recent favorite is about a couple starting out on a new phase of their relationship, which I relate to, so that may be why I think this is funny- something like-
"I think I am going to start peeing with the door open."
"I think no."
"I'm going to do it all the time. This is going to get weird."
R. Right or left handed: Right
S. Siblings: 2- a brother and sister-
T. Time I wake up: about 6:20 lately, but once testing is over I hope to sleep another twenty minutes.
U. Underwear: what about it? Yes? No? Color- blue.
V. Veggie you dislike: Don't even know the name, but it was gross!
W. What makes you run late: kids....aways slow to get ready.
X. X-rays you've had: Only my lungs as far as I can remember- and teeth
Y. Yummy food you make: My manicotti and lasagna are pretty good
Z. Zoo: Love zoos- and my favorite experience ever was seeing the panda in San Diego. It was cute and magical and totally fulfilled my dream of seeing of a panda.