The Song in My Head

 This song is constantly in my head since I first heard it a few weeks ago. It actually came on the radio at the perfect time. I was driving to work the day I was teaching metaphor and simile- and it is full of metaphors! It was part of my lesson that day. 


And, since I feel like blogging but have no idea what to write- here is my latest favorite song.

"Ours"

Elevator buttons and morning air
Strangers' silence makes me want to take the stairs
If you were here we'd laugh about their vacant stares
But right now my time is theirs

Seems like there's always someone who disapproves
They'll judge it like they know about me and you
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury's out, my choice is you

So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours

You never know what people have up their sleeves
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me
Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles
But I don't care 'cause right now you're mine

And you'll say
Don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours

And it's not theirs to speculate
If it's wrong and
Your hands are tough
But they are where mine belong and
I'll fight their doubt and give you faith
With this song for you

'Cause I love the gap between your teeth
And I love the riddles that you speak
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored
'Cause my heart is yours

So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
Don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
But they can't take what's ours
They can't take what's ours

The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours

Turning 30

I don't turn 30 for another five months, and I am already not happy about this. I feel like I am getting older, without having so many things that I wanted to have by thirty.

Not that I regret the direction I have taken in life- I love my life and am quite happy with it. However, I also feel like that are certain things that I am running out of time to pursue.  I feel like I am behind on so many things.

I feel old.

Is 30 old? Is it too old to change my career?  Is it too old to start over in a new place?  It is too old to begin a family?  It is too old to decide in the middle of the night to take a few days off and go on vacation? 

In my head I know that 30 isn't too old to do anything. I have seen and known people who have done amazing things after 30.

I was just the person who planned out my life to the every detail- but I stopped at 30. I haven't fulfilled the plan and I feel like my time is up.  It is like the Mayan calendar ending. We've looked to that calendar for so long- what will we look at when it has ended? 

Oh the things I want to still do...  I almost feel like I have wasted my 20's. Don't take that the wrong way- I really have loved my 20's- but could I have done more? 

I guess the regretting won't actually do any good. I guess all I can do now is try to concentrate on doing the things after 30 that I didn't get to before.

So, here is the plan.  Maybe if I start now, turning 30 in five months won't be so difficult...

I will apply for my Master's degree after I get paid in March.  I will be accepted (Right???) because the program is "non-competitive" and I will register for classes next fall. In 2.5 years, I will have the license to be a principal.

I will start saving money for a trip to Peru. It is top on my list of "Places I want to Visit but Probably Never Will."  That list needs to disappear, starting with Peru.

I will have a party for my 30th birthday. (Andy has already been told that this party would happen, since I haven't had a birthday party since I was 17...???)

I will do something "Once in a lifetime..." for my 30th. I am thinking skydiving...

I need to embrace thirty... and I have five months to get to it. 

Soul Happy Moments

I haven't written a blog post in a long time. If you are reading this, please understand the purpose of my blog. I never started it with the intent to document my life or keep you informed about what is happening. I wrote it to give my soul a voice. I wrote it to give me a place to remember that I can't always be logical and rational. Sometimes- a person just has to follow the little voice in them that says, "Live."

These are the moments when I felt most alive recently.

- I loved just chatting with another teacher at the school. It wasn't about school- it was about life. I don't know that I let that happen nearly as often as I should.

- Older K on Christmas- I LOVE the amazing little lady she is becoming! She was so nice and polite opening presents, and she is such a good older sister. Every time she ran to the camera to say thanks to my parents, I was so thrilled to hear it!

- Little K on Christmas- I love listening to her talk. I just wanted to let her play with her presents, and it was so sad to watch them get taken away- even if it was so she could open another. Ok, sad, but at the same time- so cute in a "the little things in life make you happy" kind of way.

- E- she was so excited to get the bubble wrap from my Mom's present. She put it out as a "road" in the hallway and ran back and forth on it forever. She also insisted that we walk on it on our way upstairs. That in itself was adorable and made me smile.

- I have to admit, for the rest of the day I walked on the bubblewrap too because it just made me happy.

- I own a unicorn named PJ. (Pearl James) Andy gave her to me for Christmas, and the entire drive home the other night all I wanted to do was pet her over and over. She is so soft and I love unicorns. (For those of you who missed the memo- I used to have half dozen unicorn posters hanging on my walls, and I really believed some day I would find a real one...) 

- Andy gave me an xylophone for Christmas too. It is supposed to be for something for my classroom, but I started playing music on it the other day. It was so fun!

- Christmas service at the Rock church. I just felt at peace singing to the music. There is a lot of stuff in my head most of the time, but there my soul was shining through.

- Santa Jello Desserts - I like jello. It was fun to make them, even if they didn't end up looking like Santa.

- I can make a good hors-d'oeurve! I am not good at appetizers and party food, but I went to a party last week that served these really good cheese/bread things. I asked how to make them and they were SO easy!!! I am excited to be able to make something "fancy" for a future party.

Music Monday- because I want to blog and don't know what to say

I like this song- it has been stuck with me this last week.

"God Gave Me You"

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
Gave me you

There’s more here than what we’re seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
And I’ll be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.

My Soul is Found on the Road to Arizona

I just took a quick trip to my hometowns of Taylor/Snowflake, Arizona for a friend's funeral. I drove down myself, in my Mustang, and it took all of about 40 minutes for me to realize that the drive down brings out my memories of soul forming events and people.

If you want to get to know me- the whole me- the good, the bad, the past, the present, the secret, the obvious- all you have to do is take a 10 hour road trip (yes parents- it should only take 10 hours!) to a small town in the White Mountains of Arizona- and let me talk.

If you ride with me, I probably won't start talking until Nephi- and in Nephi I'll tell you about that certain boy that was around as I was figuring out my views on men and love. He was my first heart ache.

A little passed Nephi, I point out a sign for Scipio. I'll tell you about the woman I knew in college from that town, and how she was an incredible lady. But, what formed my soul more than her was the job that led me to her- a job where I met and worked with angels on earth, and was given the amazing opportunity to help them on their journey.

As the road gets empty, I might tell you about the many road trips I've taken in my life- my trips with Whitney where I learned to love the road- my trips with CJ where we laughed way too much- my first trip with Andy when I realized that we really could rely on each other- my trip with just my dad- and my trip with just my mom. I learned so much more about these people as I journeyed with them- and in turn, those relationships shaped me into the woman you know.

I might tell you about my other travels- in airplanes. You'll hear about the STOP program, and the moment I realized I wanted to be a speech & debate teacher. You'll hear about my favorite airports and my love for the business of them. You'll hear about the day I realized I no longer wanted to travel for a living, but only for vacation, and how I cried at the realization as I walked through a random hotel.

When we get to Flagstaff and the Grand Canyon area, I'll tell you about Girl Scouts and how it changed my life. I'll tell you about Dody and Joyce, and how their simple decision set me on a path of holding multiple offices in multiple clubs.

In Holbrook I'll tell you about my family- and the family parties that we had during my younger years. I'll tell you about my cousins, aunts, and uncles. I'll tell you about poker and my grandparents back bedroom where we spent hours playing make believe.

Pulling in to Snowflake, you'll hear about my junior high years- as I spent them on the streets of Snowflake- rollerblading and walking the sidewalks. I'll tell you about my friends that I met there, and their families that still live there. I'll tell you about Misti, Roger, Greg, Jeremy, Justin, Jared...

I'll take you on a detour and we'll pass the Carousel PreSchool, and I'll tell you about Pat- the woman who in one conversation changed the course of my life. We'll also drive by the district office, where I spent hours in the GT program. I'll tell you about Mr. Evans, and how his belief in us got us to Disneyworld without him a year later.

By  that point, I'll have to tell you about Disneyland and Disneyworld with my family. You will come to understand my love for Disney parks, once you understand those trips.

By then, we will be at my house- the house I grew up in- and I'll tell you about tree forts, bike rides, and night games. I'll tell you about trees that are no longer there, but that flew me to the moon and Mars. I'll tell you about finding horny toads and lizards, rock climbing, and sledding. We'll drive by my first best friend's house, and I'll tell you about our adventures with the law. I'll tell you about the neighbors, Britt, Jess and others.

We'll drive by the fire department, and you will learn about my love of fireworks, and my deep respect for fire fighters.

As we drive by the junior high, intermediate and elementary schools, you'll learn of my hero worship for my teachers. I'll tell you that I was born to be a teacher- and nothing else was ever seriously considered. You'll hear of my love of story writing, reading, and math facts.

At some point, I'll tell you that this town is where I started to love running, which led to my membership of the cross- country team- which led to a picture of my crying on the front page of a newspaper in Utah. That team is the basis for my Utah friendships- friendships that are a deep part of me.

And, that will start me telling you about the other teams that changed my life and brought me life long friends. I'll talk about FCCLA, Key Club, and Mock Trial. And I'll tell you about JJ, and how his death is something I don't think I will ever fully recover from.

I'll show you the corner where I dodged what would have been my first kiss, and maybe I'll tell you about my first kiss. I'll tell you about the boy I sat next to on the hill, wishing he'd hold my hand and knowing that he couldn't. I'll tell you about my first three loves- and how they all took very different paths. I'll tell you about how I loved holding hands and about the first time I held Andy's.

I'll have to tell you about the moment I was humbled meeting one of those first love's mom years later, and having her ask me if I knew the "Richmond girl" who had meant so much to her son before he died- only to find out that girl was me. And that will lead me to tell you about the other humbling moment, when a teacher first told me what it meant to be a good person- not just a good student. I'll tell you about my obsession with that term.

We'll keep driving until we get to Shumway, and I'll tell you about my grandparents, mud forts, and the first time I felt that I had encountered evil. I'll show you the place where I dreamed of getting married, and tell you about my actual wedding 11 hours away.

I'll tell you about my heart ache, and how it changed me. I'll tell you about buying my Mustang, and finding my soul on a different trip to Arizona- and how I pulled over to dance in the pouring rain, and I'll pull us over, and make us twirl in the road- just as a show that Arizona trips in the Mustang are not complete without a show of childhood carefreeness.  :)

By then, it will be time to turn around... and you'll know far more about me than you even wanted to know.

Me at 19

As I was cleaning my room, (for Andy to come home!) I found my stack of letters to myself. I decided today was close enough to August, so I opened the letter that I wrote to myself at 19. Oddly, this letter speaks to me more than most of them do. I am not going to share the entire letter here, but moments of it-

I want a family. In 2011, I'll be 29. I hope I still love serving, and speaking. I really can't see myself- 29? How am I? I want to be married and in love. Divorce is NEVER an option. I want to be having fun... 

This reaffirms my decision to keep trying with Andy. The attitude that marriage is worth fighting for is something I have always had- it has always been part of me- even when I was single at age 19.

For 4 years in high school I fought to do everything. I was driving constantly- to show my parents I could, to prove Non-LDS could, to prove the 'new girl' could- to have it all. That all drove me- my dreams and goals drove me. And, I reached them all. I'm at school on scholarship- but now what?
 What drives me now? No one says I can't have it all. 

I still feel this way sometimes- that if I don't have a goal driving me I am a little bit lost. I just finished another endorsement program, and honestly, until I get my Masters Degree, my education has hit a ceiling. Part of me wants to get that degree right now, but their is a voice in me saying to hold off. I want to take time to be driven just by my own desires and feelings- not for the desire to get another thing checked off my list.

My parents love Andy so "he'll never stop your dreams." Andy supports me- there's nothing I have to prove. 

There was a time when I didn't feel like I had to choose between my family and Andy. I know eventually I won't have to anymore.

I want to teach. I have so many ideas. I want learning to be exciting and though provoking. I want these kids to build themselves in more than speaking and grammar. Yup- I want to have a communication teaching and English teaching major. I want to graduate WSU and teach. 

I reached this goal. I accomplished what I wanted so badly- years before it actually happened. I never changed majors or career paths in college, something rare according to statistics. I always knew this, and I love reading this reminder that I can absolutely do anything I set my mind to do.

Did I continue to serve others? That's my passion today- serving others- did it die out? What could replace the joy of helping a child or making a scared face smile?

This passion has never died out, though the commitment to it did. That is one regret that I have- I don't volunteer as much as I would like. Granted, I used to volunteer in schools, and now I work in one- but it is the helping others that I miss. I want this part of me back.

I do know I'll be okay. I have that fire in me, that strength that will never burn out or wear down. I will be okay. 

I will be ok.  

Rings & Boxes

Andy started wearing his wedding ring again early last week. Seeing it on his finger just made me happy. Every time I have seen him in the last two weeks, I just want to rub his ring finger and touch the ring.

He took it out from where it was kept awhile ago, and he's been carrying it in his pockets for a couple of months now. Him doing that made me happy, but seeing him slip it on to his finger makes me heart, mind, and soul align in a moment of joy and contentment.

I took my ring out of my cedar chest two months ago- and put the box on my night stand. (No, I never got rid of it. I tucked it away a year ago, certain eventually I would know what to do with it. I'm glad I didn't get rid of it.)

Side note- a few months ago I was in an apartment and found another woman's wedding ring left behind in the medicine cabinet. It broke my heart to know the a symbol of something so sacred was on a shelf next to old toothpaste and expired medication. 

Back to the more important ring- mine. It sat on my night stand, and I would look at it before going to bed. I took it to Europe with me, not wanting to leave it behind.

I have been wanting to wear it again, but wasn't sure when. I assumed it would be an odd feeling, or an overwhelming feeling. This last Sunday morning I put it on for the first time in over a year. And it was just- normal. It seemed like it had been there all along. There was no overwhelming emotion either positive or negative- it just felt like the ring was where it belonged. 

The first time Andy saw it on- he had to rub my finger just like I do his.  :)

Two months ago we decided Andy would move home at the end of July. Tonight, Andy started carrying his boxes into the house. In fact, there is a huge pile of boxes in our living room right now, and it has given me perma grin. All of my worries faded when the first box was set down on my living room floor. His things belong here, with him and me.

Andy is moving home.

I picked up a first box to help him unload the car, and then I was overwhelmed with excitement and joy. I was carrying in Andy's things- and we are making this house OUR home again. We couldn't unload fast enough for me- and I just want to start unpacking the boxes!!!

Andy isn't completely moved home yet. He has more boxes to pack and a few more car loads to bring down. But, considering our journey to get him home started over ten months ago, two more days is nothing.

I sit and stare at my ring and these boxes, and I just feel peace.