Letter to Myself, 2000-2010

Every year I write a letter to myself, and open it 10 years later. I write about where I am in life at the moment, and what I hope for myself. In 2000, I actually wrote two letters to myself.

The first letter I opened tonight is the first that mentions Andy. I wrote it the summer after I graduated from high school. Even then, when I'd only known him for 7 months, I knew he would be a major player in my life. I cried as I read the words I wrote 10 years ago. Our journey together isn't over, but it has been changed.

So far, this is the deepest letter I have written. I've realized I'm always reflective in the summer, since that is when life slows down long enough for me to pause.

The second letter I wrote after I'd been to college for a few months. College had been my deepest desire up until that point, and I struggled to adjust to being there.

I share parts of these letters here. This is my voice, at 18.

July 19, 2000
Dear Self- That sounds really dumb. So we'll start over.
Jamie,
Waz up?
It's 2000, never thought you'd make it here-this far- the year didn't exist. Now 2010 seems like so far in the future- one of those "live on Mars in space suits times."
You graduated- Salutatorian- from HIGH SCHOOL. What did you do with it? College- you kept that scholarship? I want to right now- that's what I want.
Goals? You spoke at an FCCLA National Meeting- ran a general session- BLUE RIBBON PANEL- dreams come true. Somehow you gained the respect of people- and they asked you (no one else though they had choices). Always remember to do your best.
How did the anti-violence program turn out? Our kids finally getting smarter and leaving cruelness and guns at home? Padukah, Ky? Columbine? Jonesboro, Ak? Sound familiar? I hope not- I hope they are no longer talking of those awful days where so many children were killed by their peers- kids like me and my friends.
So goals now- here's the checklist but it's ok if some weren't met, as long as you are doing good and being happy.
1. Circle K Officer
2. Bachelors- Communication & English
3. Hold another office in college
4. Graduate w/ honors
5. Help other people
6. Save $$$ (How you doing?)
I wanted to make it easy- you lucky dog!

What else? Since graduation you've learned several things. Life is strange without 1000 things to do. Has life ever slowed down? have you learned to not be selfish and to let others help you? Are you still strong? I hope so... that's my future.

Boys- Andrew James. Cute- but so special. Funny, fun, and amazing. He can make you open up and not be afraid- you don't fear how he'll treat you the day after you spill your guts to him. He means laughing again. He's talked about marriage.... I love him and see marriage as a possibility in the future. I want college life first.

I'd bet you are married. Andy? If not- that's okay. I know he's an amazing man who makes you melt with a kiss and skip a heartbeat with his smile. I won't settle for anything less than that for you.

I'm living my life now- responsible to no one but myself, and I live for that now.
Jamie

October 10, 2000
Jamie
Potential is the word right now. Simply potential. High school and childhood have ended. You spoke at graduation as Salutatorian. It was about a mouse and 2 frogs in a milk bowl: determination.
Potential will be reached with determination.
College has been a reality shock. Not quite. More of a personal frustration. You have so much inner energy, so much drive waiting for a direction. Everyday your brain runs thousands of miles a minute, computing ideas and wanting to change the world. But your hands don't know what to build and your feet don't know where to walk.
But you keep walking, building, and looking. I know I will accomplish so much- as soon as I figure out what to do. A lot has been started- but nothing is rolling.
I've started a Circle K here at Weber State. I plan on having a strong club and doing a lot of things to help the school. When it's going I want to be president and Lt. governor. Maybe Governor by my senior year.
I'm also debating and speaking. By my senior year I want to be good enough to win tournaments. I want to be known as a good speaker- Wow audiences.
I'm working toward a Communication Teaching major. I want to teach speech and debate. I want to give kids the opportunity to build the confidence to stand in front of 1000's of people. I want them to know how to have and use their voice.
I want to travel across the country. San Fransisco, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Chicago, New York, Seattle and Portland. I want road trips.
And I want a family someday. Everyone assumes I'll be married in a year but I am not ready. I'm not ready to give to my husband unselfishly. And I could never marry someone I care about knowing I can't make them happy. I wonder if I'll ever be unselfish enough to marry- or if I'll always demand their happiness comes before love.
(I spend two pages describing the people in my life. I won't share that since they may not want that shared...)
Their dreams aren't mine. they are in different directions. But part of me wants to guarantee they all come true... everyone of them. I want to be a huge success and have all of them standing beside me. It's hard knowing we should all grow apart yet I hold on. Determination holds on.
Jamie