My Soul-Finding Summer... an explanation of my blog title

My Mind
My whole childhood, adolescence, youth... I listened to my head. It was my head that told me in 5th grade that I would go to college on a full scholarship and become a teacher. It was my head the got me the grades, joined the clubs, and made all my decisions. It was my head that planned my entire college career when I picked up my first schedule book. I was logical for the most part... and weighed my options when making all big decisions. This system worked for me... until May.

In May, my brain became overloaded. It can not make sense of the events that have lead to my new life. I tried and tried to explain it, but it didn't make sense. What is the logic to giving up all we had? To giving up all I gave? I wanted a reason that made sense to me... and I could not find one.

I was so engrossed with finding the answer that I couldn't do anything else... I couldn't plan lessons, or grade papers. (My kids didn't mind getting automatic perfect scores...) I'm not sure how I made it through till the end of school. I decided this summer to give my brain a break. I couldn't concentrate on anything, so I decided to quit trying. I had to stop thinking, because all I could think about was finding my answer. The voice I heard the most went silent...

*Side note- school starts soon- with meetings tomorrow. I'm kicking my brain into high gear tomorrow morning...*

My Heart
It was Andy that actually taught me to listen to my heart. It was the voice that would guide my important decisions when my pro/con lists came up even. I learned that when I followed my heart, it always worked out. Andy helped me see that it was safe to do this, and that it was worth the risk. I went to Weber and was happy in college, even though it was not the logical decision. I applied for Vista (against the logic) because I is what my heart told me to do. Following my heart has brought me so much happiness and a sense of security.

But, my heart got broken and I learned a valuable lesson. I realized that "follow your heart" only works out when the object you are seeking wants you as much as you want it. That is why following your heart is such a risk- it is the part of you that is tied to the decision of something/someone else. My heart pulled me to Andy, again and again... even after the awful week at the first of May... and it was hurt again and again. The object of my heart's desire did not feel the same. The pain this has caused was unbearable.

The person who made it safe to follow my heart is the person who shattered it. Only time can heal this pain, and I decided to give my heart time off. I've let it run away and hide... wallowing somewhere in me, recovering. Giving my heart time off from feeling is the only way I can keep myself sane.

*Side note- I know my heart will heal. I will trust again, and be open to love again, but I'm not rushing into this.*

With my heart and head silent, I assumed I'd live my summer in a state of numbness...waiting for my concentration to return and my heart to heal. But a strange thing happened... another voice started to speak up.

It is a voice that first just told me to buy a Mustang on a moment's notice. It is the voice that told me randomly drive my bike up a canyon in the middle of the day. This voice pulled my car over on my way home from Arizona just so I could jump in rain puddles. This is the voice that led me to the mountain sunrise.

This voice comes from somewhere deep within, and it is the voice I've heard most often this summer. I call it

SOUL.

My soul... a part of me that I have ignored most of my life... has, for the first time, had a chance to be heard. And it is selfish in its one desire: to find pure joy as often as possible. It isn't about long lasting happiness- but pure, deep joy that can only be found in simple moments of our lives. It is the deep part of me that was happy in Arizona, Houston, the Red Woods.

My soul's voice does not make major life decisions. That is for my mind and heart, which is why I've ignored my soul for so long. I've always lived for the future... not the day. But this summer, I had to put my future on hold and just live for the small moments. I admit it has been strange, but I've had no choice but to listen.

And I am a different person. Several friends have noticed... even Andy says I've changed for the good. What they are seeing is a person following their soul for the first time in their life.

Tomorrow, I will have to wake up my mind and start to think again. I can not teach without it. I'm ready for that. I'm also committed to not shutting out the voice of my soul.

That is the purpose of this blog- to give my soul a voice.