Why am I doing this...?

This blog has been on my mind to write for months now, and every time I start, I always end up giving up. So, here I sit again attempting to answer the question I have been asked so many times lately- by others, and by myself.

Why am I trying to work things out with Andy?

I know why people ask me. They are worried that I am going back to Andy for the wrong reasons. They are worried I will get hurt again, and that I don't see what could happen.

I've searched my soul, and I am certain of my answers to their worries.

1. Are you afraid you'll end up alone, and don't want to risk it? Let's start with the worry with the longest, most complicated answer.
First, I never quite know what "fear" people are referring to.
Do they mean am I actually afraid of being alone? No- I am not. I can pay bills, take care of a home, accomplish things, and BE 100% HAPPY alone. There is nothing that I want in this life that I can't actually have on my own. If I am meant to live my life alone, then I will live a happy life alone. I've actually enjoyed my single life this past year.
Do they mean am I afraid no one else will want me?
I do not doubt that someone other than Andy can love me. When I thought we were headed to a divorce and he and Pamela were living together, I met other guys. I went on dates with them. We had great times, and I felt good about myself with them. I am not going to assume they liked me, but at least they wanted to see me again.
I am not choosing to work things out with Andy because I am afraid of being alone.

2. Do you feel like you owe it to him? I owe Andy nothing. I already gave all I had to him and more. I worked multiple jobs to put him in film school and to allow him to work part time in order to work on film projects. I've missed out activities and attended them alone while he edited movies. I forgave him once already. I treated him really good. Even after he decided to be with Pamela, I was good to him. I worked out a way for him to be able to afford his insurance, I let him pay what he owes me on his schedule, and I helped him get the help he needed. I have been very nice to him.
I owe Andy nothing.

3. Did your church say you can't get a divorce? My church gave me the go ahead to not only divorce him immediately, but promised to help in anyway they could if that was my decision, and even hinted that were some great men in the congregation that I could be introduced to, if I wanted. Biblically speaking, Andy has given me a justifiable reason to divorce him. Don't get me wrong, my church leaders are thrilled that we are trying to work it out, but they have not pressured me to do it. Yes, I admit, I hate the idea of divorce. I made vows before God and I actually meant them, but God has assured me I can be released from those promises without guilt, so that is not stopping me from filing papers.
My church did not stop me from my divorce.

4. Are you doing this for other people? Absolutely not. There is no one I have talked to that hasn't said they would support me 100% in leaving him. I have more people encourage me to divorce him than to stay with him, including a few people supporting us staying together who think I should divorce him first and remarry him so our vows mean something again. (They do have the most convincing argument for a divorce, but I am hoping a vow renewal is in my future...)  When Andy and I split, I don't feel that I lost anyone. Friends and family have been wonderful to me- even his parents- and I don't fear losing relationships if we don't get back together.
I am doing this only for me, and no one else.

5. Is it hard financially on your own? Haha...hahahaha....hahahahahahahahaha! No. I am not saying I make a million dollars, but I am perfectly fine financially. The Lord blessed me with money smarts, and unless I choose to put something on a credit card, the only debt I have is a house and my Mustang. I budget myself several times a week... for the next several months. (I'm a little budget obsessed.) Before I make a large purchase, I have to figure out how it will effect me financially for the next year. Excel and I are best friends sometimes. Do I run low on funds? Yes. Do I worry about gas prices? Yes. Do I need Andy to pay my bills and to buy food?  No.
I can financially take care of myself.

6.  Are you just trying to beat the mistress? Nope, sorry.  This isn't a game. This isn't high school. This is an adult situation that requires putting aside pride and being honest with myself. When I let Andy walk out of my house, I knew he could be walking to another woman, and I vowed to respect that. The day I actually learned they were going to attempt a relationship, I canceled my date with him because it was wrong. I never went after Andy trying to get him back. I never wrote him messages begging him to choose me. I didn't force myself into his life and home. I respected their relationship and let 'us' go. I was his friend. I actually encouraged their relationship and tried to help Andy feel better about it on multiple occasions. Despite the message I was sent saying, "You win," it was never a competition. I honestly wanted Andy to be happy, and never deliberately did anything to hurt what I thought was making him happy.
I care about Andy, not beating a mistress I've never met.

So, then, why am I working things out with Andy? Why am I trying? I have done so much soul searching in an attempt to find the answer... an answer that people would understand.
And the only answer I can really come up with is just so simple.
I want to. 
I want to be with this man.
I want to be part of his future, and I want him to be part of mine.
I love him, and I want a marriage with him.

I know it doesn't seem like much of a reason, but it is the only reason I have. 
And, it is good enough for me.