First, you have to understand I have no patience. A lot of people think I do because of my jobs- working with kids who have disabilities or junior high kids. But, that is patience in a moment. Real, lifetime patience I lack completely. I want to know the outcome of things long before they happen.
But, I don't know my future right now. I know it will be good. I know I will be happy. I know I will do great things. But... I want to know how, and I want to know when... and I want to know those things NOW! (Just tell me when, and I can wait...)
I need to learn patience, and I know this.
So a few months ago, in an impatient moment, I opened my Bible and asked God to just give me an answer. His response, in James 1:2-3
The trying of your faith works patience. Let patience do her work and you will be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
When I first read this, I knew instantly I am in my situation to learn patience. God was telling me that my faith is tested so I can learn patience.
I was also comforted by "not lacking anything." I knew that if I was patience I would be blessed with all I need. This has become a favorite verse, and I read it often.
Throughout all of the trials of the last few months, I've felt I was "not enough." Now before I get a bunch of comments saying, "but you are!" hear me out. I don't really know what I am missing, but I feel deep in me that something about me is lacking. I have struggled to find the answer to the question, "What don't I have in me?" I've stressed over this... and cried, screamed, discussed... over the answer to this question.
Again, before you jump to the "You have everything!" comment (because I know you all love me!) I want to share my revelation from tonight.
I was driving home from my church group, and thinking of James 1:2-3, and a new word stood out to me: complete.
I am NOT complete at the moment. I'm not talking about my situation, but ME, as a person. There is something that I am not.
But with patience through this time of trial... I will be complete. I will find that missing piece, and I will feel whole. And I find comfort in knowing that is coming to me. I don't have to stress anymore. I don't have to cry or question it anymore. If I am just patient, I will be made complete. Whatever it is that makes me "not enough" will become part of me, and it is good to know that. A weight has been lifted.
I may not know when, but I am content to wait until I am...
COMPLETE, AND NOT LACKING ANYTHING. :)
2 comments:
Sometimes we get what we want right away. At other times, we wonder if our desires will ever be fulfilled.
We will be fulfilled in the best way possible and as quickly as possible. But some things take time. Sometimes, we have lessons to learn first, lessons that prepare us so we can accept the good we deserve. Things are being worked out in us, and in others. Blocks in us are being removed. A solid foundation is being laid.
We can trust that all is on schedule. Waiting time is not wasted time. We don't' have to put our life on hold while we wait. We can direct our attention elsewhere, we can practice acceptance and gratitude in the intermin. We can trust that we do have a life to live while we are waiting, then we go about living it.
The old saying "You can't always get what you want" isn't entirely true. Often, in life we can get what we want - especially the desires of our heart - if we can learn to wait.
The Language of Letting Go ~ Melody Beattle
Jamie,
As someone who is constantly on a quest to figure myself out and deal with the hand life has dealt me (both good and bad), I applaud you for being brave enough to publicly journal your thoughts and feeling along the way. I think it will help during the rough times. Because what I have learned is... Relapse Happens.. ;o) Much love to you on your path to self discovery!!
Thanks ALLIE!!!
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