Tonight, I went to a Life Group for The Rock church. I have to say- I felt like I should be scared out of my mind, but I wasn't. I knew I needed to go. Granted I made sure I arrived a few minutes late, so I wasn't the only one there. (That would have been awkward.) :)
But, it was an amazing night. I know I am among friends already. We talked, laughed, told a few stories, and talked about God and prayer.
The amazing moment of the night though- we had to write one thing that we wanted to pray for. I left mine very vague. Then, we traded prayers, and had to say a prayer for this other person. No one in this group knows me- tonight was the first night I'd met anyone except the person who invited me to come- and I met her Sunday.
Some people asked for prayers of guidance, improved finances, health... Mine again was purposely vague.
But the man who had to pray for me took his time with it- he said the exact thing that I needed. He read my few words and was able to ask God for exactly what I need right now. And then, he took it a step further and asked for things that I had thought about, but hadn't had the courage to write down. God already knew my prayer, and gave this man the words to say so that I would know He knew. It was a truly spiritual moment.
I cried. Not a sad cry- but an amazingly happy, life is wonderful cry.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Church
I went to church today.
I went a year ago. When life got crazy, and all my dreams had come crashing down- I went to church. They sang one song and I started to cry. I cried for a long time. I drove home crying, and had to detour until I looked normal again.
Today, I didn't cry. When I first walked in and heard the music, I teared up. But, then I realized that the feeling I felt didn't have to be a bad thing- it didn't have to make me sad over all the things I've lost.
Instead, I smiled. I smiled because of the possibilities that the Spirit holds for me. I smiled because I know everything in my life is going to work out.
I am ok. Not going to be- not will be- not can be- AM. I am ok.
I went a year ago. When life got crazy, and all my dreams had come crashing down- I went to church. They sang one song and I started to cry. I cried for a long time. I drove home crying, and had to detour until I looked normal again.
Today, I didn't cry. When I first walked in and heard the music, I teared up. But, then I realized that the feeling I felt didn't have to be a bad thing- it didn't have to make me sad over all the things I've lost.
Instead, I smiled. I smiled because of the possibilities that the Spirit holds for me. I smiled because I know everything in my life is going to work out.
I am ok. Not going to be- not will be- not can be- AM. I am ok.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
This week-
Ten Moments that Made My Soul Happy
(In no particular order)
1. Driving home singing Reba
2. Walking in the rain last night
3. "Thank you Jamie" - Ellie
4. Taking my shoes off & walking in the grass
5. The rainbow during the commute
6. The full moon
7. Seeing family TWICE!!! (I love them!)
8. Ice cream & gummy bears TWICE!!!
9. Being a GT teacher officially
10. Lunch in a crowded faculty room
(In no particular order)
1. Driving home singing Reba
2. Walking in the rain last night
3. "Thank you Jamie" - Ellie
4. Taking my shoes off & walking in the grass
5. The rainbow during the commute
6. The full moon
7. Seeing family TWICE!!! (I love them!)
8. Ice cream & gummy bears TWICE!!!
9. Being a GT teacher officially
10. Lunch in a crowded faculty room
Sunday, August 22, 2010
A Good Day for Me
I just had to say that today is a really good day. I must admit, since school started again, I've let my mind stay a little too busy. A week ago I was silly happy and my soul was yelling at me all the time and pointing out all these amazing, simple blessings in my life.
Then, I had to start thinking again. My mind came back with a vengeance. I realized quickly that there is a reason I only recently found my soul.
But, this weekend it came back. I was able to think about nothing and just have fun. And my silly happy is back. Today while it rained, I rolled down my car window and put my hand out to feel it. And I sang to fun songs.
This gives me hope that even when school gets going full swing... my soul isn't going away again. I've grown to like it.
Then, I had to start thinking again. My mind came back with a vengeance. I realized quickly that there is a reason I only recently found my soul.
But, this weekend it came back. I was able to think about nothing and just have fun. And my silly happy is back. Today while it rained, I rolled down my car window and put my hand out to feel it. And I sang to fun songs.
This gives me hope that even when school gets going full swing... my soul isn't going away again. I've grown to like it.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
A New Classroom
I went in my room today... and it was full of boxes. Truth is- they've been there all summer but I've kinda, sorta, in a way... I've been ignoring them. I put half of them away (the easy half) a month ago. Since then- nothing.
But, with Open House tonight, I could put it off no longer. I unpacked. I put up posters. I set out my baskets.
And it is amazing. I sat at my desk and stared at my new room. No one else has ever put a poster on those walls. No one has used the projector or the white board. Just me... it is my room.
I am so excited!
But, with Open House tonight, I could put it off no longer. I unpacked. I put up posters. I set out my baskets.
And it is amazing. I sat at my desk and stared at my new room. No one else has ever put a poster on those walls. No one has used the projector or the white board. Just me... it is my room.
I am so excited!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Letter to Myself, 2000-2010
Every year I write a letter to myself, and open it 10 years later. I write about where I am in life at the moment, and what I hope for myself. In 2000, I actually wrote two letters to myself.
The first letter I opened tonight is the first that mentions Andy. I wrote it the summer after I graduated from high school. Even then, when I'd only known him for 7 months, I knew he would be a major player in my life. I cried as I read the words I wrote 10 years ago. Our journey together isn't over, but it has been changed.
So far, this is the deepest letter I have written. I've realized I'm always reflective in the summer, since that is when life slows down long enough for me to pause.
The second letter I wrote after I'd been to college for a few months. College had been my deepest desire up until that point, and I struggled to adjust to being there.
I share parts of these letters here. This is my voice, at 18.
July 19, 2000
Dear Self- That sounds really dumb. So we'll start over.
Jamie,
Waz up?
It's 2000, never thought you'd make it here-this far- the year didn't exist. Now 2010 seems like so far in the future- one of those "live on Mars in space suits times."
You graduated- Salutatorian- from HIGH SCHOOL. What did you do with it? College- you kept that scholarship? I want to right now- that's what I want.
Goals? You spoke at an FCCLA National Meeting- ran a general session- BLUE RIBBON PANEL- dreams come true. Somehow you gained the respect of people- and they asked you (no one else though they had choices). Always remember to do your best.
How did the anti-violence program turn out? Our kids finally getting smarter and leaving cruelness and guns at home? Padukah, Ky? Columbine? Jonesboro, Ak? Sound familiar? I hope not- I hope they are no longer talking of those awful days where so many children were killed by their peers- kids like me and my friends.
So goals now- here's the checklist but it's ok if some weren't met, as long as you are doing good and being happy.
1. Circle K Officer
2. Bachelors- Communication & English
3. Hold another office in college
4. Graduate w/ honors
5. Help other people
6. Save $$$ (How you doing?)
I wanted to make it easy- you lucky dog!
What else? Since graduation you've learned several things. Life is strange without 1000 things to do. Has life ever slowed down? have you learned to not be selfish and to let others help you? Are you still strong? I hope so... that's my future.
Boys- Andrew James. Cute- but so special. Funny, fun, and amazing. He can make you open up and not be afraid- you don't fear how he'll treat you the day after you spill your guts to him. He means laughing again. He's talked about marriage.... I love him and see marriage as a possibility in the future. I want college life first.
I'd bet you are married. Andy? If not- that's okay. I know he's an amazing man who makes you melt with a kiss and skip a heartbeat with his smile. I won't settle for anything less than that for you.
I'm living my life now- responsible to no one but myself, and I live for that now.
Jamie
October 10, 2000
Jamie
Potential is the word right now. Simply potential. High school and childhood have ended. You spoke at graduation as Salutatorian. It was about a mouse and 2 frogs in a milk bowl: determination.
Potential will be reached with determination.
College has been a reality shock. Not quite. More of a personal frustration. You have so much inner energy, so much drive waiting for a direction. Everyday your brain runs thousands of miles a minute, computing ideas and wanting to change the world. But your hands don't know what to build and your feet don't know where to walk.
But you keep walking, building, and looking. I know I will accomplish so much- as soon as I figure out what to do. A lot has been started- but nothing is rolling.
I've started a Circle K here at Weber State. I plan on having a strong club and doing a lot of things to help the school. When it's going I want to be president and Lt. governor. Maybe Governor by my senior year.
I'm also debating and speaking. By my senior year I want to be good enough to win tournaments. I want to be known as a good speaker- Wow audiences.
I'm working toward a Communication Teaching major. I want to teach speech and debate. I want to give kids the opportunity to build the confidence to stand in front of 1000's of people. I want them to know how to have and use their voice.
I want to travel across the country. San Fransisco, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Chicago, New York, Seattle and Portland. I want road trips.
And I want a family someday. Everyone assumes I'll be married in a year but I am not ready. I'm not ready to give to my husband unselfishly. And I could never marry someone I care about knowing I can't make them happy. I wonder if I'll ever be unselfish enough to marry- or if I'll always demand their happiness comes before love.
(I spend two pages describing the people in my life. I won't share that since they may not want that shared...)
Their dreams aren't mine. they are in different directions. But part of me wants to guarantee they all come true... everyone of them. I want to be a huge success and have all of them standing beside me. It's hard knowing we should all grow apart yet I hold on. Determination holds on.
Jamie
The first letter I opened tonight is the first that mentions Andy. I wrote it the summer after I graduated from high school. Even then, when I'd only known him for 7 months, I knew he would be a major player in my life. I cried as I read the words I wrote 10 years ago. Our journey together isn't over, but it has been changed.
So far, this is the deepest letter I have written. I've realized I'm always reflective in the summer, since that is when life slows down long enough for me to pause.
The second letter I wrote after I'd been to college for a few months. College had been my deepest desire up until that point, and I struggled to adjust to being there.
I share parts of these letters here. This is my voice, at 18.
July 19, 2000
Dear Self- That sounds really dumb. So we'll start over.
Jamie,
Waz up?
It's 2000, never thought you'd make it here-this far- the year didn't exist. Now 2010 seems like so far in the future- one of those "live on Mars in space suits times."
You graduated- Salutatorian- from HIGH SCHOOL. What did you do with it? College- you kept that scholarship? I want to right now- that's what I want.
Goals? You spoke at an FCCLA National Meeting- ran a general session- BLUE RIBBON PANEL- dreams come true. Somehow you gained the respect of people- and they asked you (no one else though they had choices). Always remember to do your best.
How did the anti-violence program turn out? Our kids finally getting smarter and leaving cruelness and guns at home? Padukah, Ky? Columbine? Jonesboro, Ak? Sound familiar? I hope not- I hope they are no longer talking of those awful days where so many children were killed by their peers- kids like me and my friends.
So goals now- here's the checklist but it's ok if some weren't met, as long as you are doing good and being happy.
1. Circle K Officer
2. Bachelors- Communication & English
3. Hold another office in college
4. Graduate w/ honors
5. Help other people
6. Save $$$ (How you doing?)
I wanted to make it easy- you lucky dog!
What else? Since graduation you've learned several things. Life is strange without 1000 things to do. Has life ever slowed down? have you learned to not be selfish and to let others help you? Are you still strong? I hope so... that's my future.
Boys- Andrew James. Cute- but so special. Funny, fun, and amazing. He can make you open up and not be afraid- you don't fear how he'll treat you the day after you spill your guts to him. He means laughing again. He's talked about marriage.... I love him and see marriage as a possibility in the future. I want college life first.
I'd bet you are married. Andy? If not- that's okay. I know he's an amazing man who makes you melt with a kiss and skip a heartbeat with his smile. I won't settle for anything less than that for you.
I'm living my life now- responsible to no one but myself, and I live for that now.
Jamie
October 10, 2000
Jamie
Potential is the word right now. Simply potential. High school and childhood have ended. You spoke at graduation as Salutatorian. It was about a mouse and 2 frogs in a milk bowl: determination.
Potential will be reached with determination.
College has been a reality shock. Not quite. More of a personal frustration. You have so much inner energy, so much drive waiting for a direction. Everyday your brain runs thousands of miles a minute, computing ideas and wanting to change the world. But your hands don't know what to build and your feet don't know where to walk.
But you keep walking, building, and looking. I know I will accomplish so much- as soon as I figure out what to do. A lot has been started- but nothing is rolling.
I've started a Circle K here at Weber State. I plan on having a strong club and doing a lot of things to help the school. When it's going I want to be president and Lt. governor. Maybe Governor by my senior year.
I'm also debating and speaking. By my senior year I want to be good enough to win tournaments. I want to be known as a good speaker- Wow audiences.
I'm working toward a Communication Teaching major. I want to teach speech and debate. I want to give kids the opportunity to build the confidence to stand in front of 1000's of people. I want them to know how to have and use their voice.
I want to travel across the country. San Fransisco, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Chicago, New York, Seattle and Portland. I want road trips.
And I want a family someday. Everyone assumes I'll be married in a year but I am not ready. I'm not ready to give to my husband unselfishly. And I could never marry someone I care about knowing I can't make them happy. I wonder if I'll ever be unselfish enough to marry- or if I'll always demand their happiness comes before love.
(I spend two pages describing the people in my life. I won't share that since they may not want that shared...)
Their dreams aren't mine. they are in different directions. But part of me wants to guarantee they all come true... everyone of them. I want to be a huge success and have all of them standing beside me. It's hard knowing we should all grow apart yet I hold on. Determination holds on.
Jamie
A Successful Day
Well- today is what I'm officially declaring as the first day of my new life. I have to get back to the "real world." Granted- driving/flying away from it all summer was amazing, and I plan on doing it again next year. But, I've always known I couldn't leave my life completely. So... today I returned. And it was a success!!!
I did my laundry and cleaned my living room. I'll get to the kitchen and bathroom tomorrow. I ran errands. I went grocery shopping for the first time this summer. I bought breakfast foods!!!! (Ky gave me the great idea of granola and yogurt and it was delicious!)
I had a meeting that was, less that perfect. It was a little ... scattered. But- two hours isn't bad.
Then I went shopping. I was so frustrated! I found two pairs of cute ass jeans right away, but then nothing for school. I almost gave up but saw something cute on my way to the register. That lead to something else and something else... and two hours later I had jeans, shirts, skirts, and black pants. Oh- and two new pairs of shoes.
Ok- so this blog is a little boring. I can't be poetic every day. Right now I just want to get in the habit of writing. Bare with me friends...
I did my laundry and cleaned my living room. I'll get to the kitchen and bathroom tomorrow. I ran errands. I went grocery shopping for the first time this summer. I bought breakfast foods!!!! (Ky gave me the great idea of granola and yogurt and it was delicious!)
I had a meeting that was, less that perfect. It was a little ... scattered. But- two hours isn't bad.
Then I went shopping. I was so frustrated! I found two pairs of cute ass jeans right away, but then nothing for school. I almost gave up but saw something cute on my way to the register. That lead to something else and something else... and two hours later I had jeans, shirts, skirts, and black pants. Oh- and two new pairs of shoes.
Ok- so this blog is a little boring. I can't be poetic every day. Right now I just want to get in the habit of writing. Bare with me friends...
Monday, August 16, 2010
My Soul-Finding Summer... an explanation of my blog title
My Mind
My whole childhood, adolescence, youth... I listened to my head. It was my head that told me in 5th grade that I would go to college on a full scholarship and become a teacher. It was my head the got me the grades, joined the clubs, and made all my decisions. It was my head that planned my entire college career when I picked up my first schedule book. I was logical for the most part... and weighed my options when making all big decisions. This system worked for me... until May.
In May, my brain became overloaded. It can not make sense of the events that have lead to my new life. I tried and tried to explain it, but it didn't make sense. What is the logic to giving up all we had? To giving up all I gave? I wanted a reason that made sense to me... and I could not find one.
I was so engrossed with finding the answer that I couldn't do anything else... I couldn't plan lessons, or grade papers. (My kids didn't mind getting automatic perfect scores...) I'm not sure how I made it through till the end of school. I decided this summer to give my brain a break. I couldn't concentrate on anything, so I decided to quit trying. I had to stop thinking, because all I could think about was finding my answer. The voice I heard the most went silent...
*Side note- school starts soon- with meetings tomorrow. I'm kicking my brain into high gear tomorrow morning...*
My Heart
It was Andy that actually taught me to listen to my heart. It was the voice that would guide my important decisions when my pro/con lists came up even. I learned that when I followed my heart, it always worked out. Andy helped me see that it was safe to do this, and that it was worth the risk. I went to Weber and was happy in college, even though it was not the logical decision. I applied for Vista (against the logic) because I is what my heart told me to do. Following my heart has brought me so much happiness and a sense of security.
But, my heart got broken and I learned a valuable lesson. I realized that "follow your heart" only works out when the object you are seeking wants you as much as you want it. That is why following your heart is such a risk- it is the part of you that is tied to the decision of something/someone else. My heart pulled me to Andy, again and again... even after the awful week at the first of May... and it was hurt again and again. The object of my heart's desire did not feel the same. The pain this has caused was unbearable.
The person who made it safe to follow my heart is the person who shattered it. Only time can heal this pain, and I decided to give my heart time off. I've let it run away and hide... wallowing somewhere in me, recovering. Giving my heart time off from feeling is the only way I can keep myself sane.
*Side note- I know my heart will heal. I will trust again, and be open to love again, but I'm not rushing into this.*
With my heart and head silent, I assumed I'd live my summer in a state of numbness...waiting for my concentration to return and my heart to heal. But a strange thing happened... another voice started to speak up.
It is a voice that first just told me to buy a Mustang on a moment's notice. It is the voice that told me randomly drive my bike up a canyon in the middle of the day. This voice pulled my car over on my way home from Arizona just so I could jump in rain puddles. This is the voice that led me to the mountain sunrise.
This voice comes from somewhere deep within, and it is the voice I've heard most often this summer. I call it
SOUL.
My soul... a part of me that I have ignored most of my life... has, for the first time, had a chance to be heard. And it is selfish in its one desire: to find pure joy as often as possible. It isn't about long lasting happiness- but pure, deep joy that can only be found in simple moments of our lives. It is the deep part of me that was happy in Arizona, Houston, the Red Woods.
My soul's voice does not make major life decisions. That is for my mind and heart, which is why I've ignored my soul for so long. I've always lived for the future... not the day. But this summer, I had to put my future on hold and just live for the small moments. I admit it has been strange, but I've had no choice but to listen.
And I am a different person. Several friends have noticed... even Andy says I've changed for the good. What they are seeing is a person following their soul for the first time in their life.
Tomorrow, I will have to wake up my mind and start to think again. I can not teach without it. I'm ready for that. I'm also committed to not shutting out the voice of my soul.
That is the purpose of this blog- to give my soul a voice.
My whole childhood, adolescence, youth... I listened to my head. It was my head that told me in 5th grade that I would go to college on a full scholarship and become a teacher. It was my head the got me the grades, joined the clubs, and made all my decisions. It was my head that planned my entire college career when I picked up my first schedule book. I was logical for the most part... and weighed my options when making all big decisions. This system worked for me... until May.
In May, my brain became overloaded. It can not make sense of the events that have lead to my new life. I tried and tried to explain it, but it didn't make sense. What is the logic to giving up all we had? To giving up all I gave? I wanted a reason that made sense to me... and I could not find one.
I was so engrossed with finding the answer that I couldn't do anything else... I couldn't plan lessons, or grade papers. (My kids didn't mind getting automatic perfect scores...) I'm not sure how I made it through till the end of school. I decided this summer to give my brain a break. I couldn't concentrate on anything, so I decided to quit trying. I had to stop thinking, because all I could think about was finding my answer. The voice I heard the most went silent...
*Side note- school starts soon- with meetings tomorrow. I'm kicking my brain into high gear tomorrow morning...*
My Heart
It was Andy that actually taught me to listen to my heart. It was the voice that would guide my important decisions when my pro/con lists came up even. I learned that when I followed my heart, it always worked out. Andy helped me see that it was safe to do this, and that it was worth the risk. I went to Weber and was happy in college, even though it was not the logical decision. I applied for Vista (against the logic) because I is what my heart told me to do. Following my heart has brought me so much happiness and a sense of security.
But, my heart got broken and I learned a valuable lesson. I realized that "follow your heart" only works out when the object you are seeking wants you as much as you want it. That is why following your heart is such a risk- it is the part of you that is tied to the decision of something/someone else. My heart pulled me to Andy, again and again... even after the awful week at the first of May... and it was hurt again and again. The object of my heart's desire did not feel the same. The pain this has caused was unbearable.
The person who made it safe to follow my heart is the person who shattered it. Only time can heal this pain, and I decided to give my heart time off. I've let it run away and hide... wallowing somewhere in me, recovering. Giving my heart time off from feeling is the only way I can keep myself sane.
*Side note- I know my heart will heal. I will trust again, and be open to love again, but I'm not rushing into this.*
With my heart and head silent, I assumed I'd live my summer in a state of numbness...waiting for my concentration to return and my heart to heal. But a strange thing happened... another voice started to speak up.
It is a voice that first just told me to buy a Mustang on a moment's notice. It is the voice that told me randomly drive my bike up a canyon in the middle of the day. This voice pulled my car over on my way home from Arizona just so I could jump in rain puddles. This is the voice that led me to the mountain sunrise.
This voice comes from somewhere deep within, and it is the voice I've heard most often this summer. I call it
SOUL.
My soul... a part of me that I have ignored most of my life... has, for the first time, had a chance to be heard. And it is selfish in its one desire: to find pure joy as often as possible. It isn't about long lasting happiness- but pure, deep joy that can only be found in simple moments of our lives. It is the deep part of me that was happy in Arizona, Houston, the Red Woods.
My soul's voice does not make major life decisions. That is for my mind and heart, which is why I've ignored my soul for so long. I've always lived for the future... not the day. But this summer, I had to put my future on hold and just live for the small moments. I admit it has been strange, but I've had no choice but to listen.
And I am a different person. Several friends have noticed... even Andy says I've changed for the good. What they are seeing is a person following their soul for the first time in their life.
Tomorrow, I will have to wake up my mind and start to think again. I can not teach without it. I'm ready for that. I'm also committed to not shutting out the voice of my soul.
That is the purpose of this blog- to give my soul a voice.
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