Today's song is on an old CD I recently started listening to again. I remember not liking this song when I first heard it, but recently it has grown on me. It reminds of the innocence of childhood, and the importance of believing and dreaming. Who can be sad when they are believing in fairies?
When I was a kid I wrote "songs" all the time. I remember the first verse to one I wrote when I was about 11. It had this same theme:
Unicorns and fairies, elves and little gnomes,
Live in the storybooks on my shelves back home,
Witches and dragons always scared me,
But I miss those adventures, I miss the fantasy.
Looking back I find it interesting that even at 11 I knew someday I would look back on the fairy tales of childhood and find value in them.
I think I believe more now than I ever did as a child.
What's wrong with believing in Santa Clause: the unselfish giving to others.
What's wrong with believing in elves & fairies: anonymous acts of service to others
What's wrong with believing in unicorns: beauty is seen by those with a good heart
What's wrong with chasing rainbows: their is good in every storm
Faith Hill: Fireflies
Before you met me I was a fairy princess
I caught frogs and called them prince
And made myself a queen
And before you knew me I'd traveled 'round the world
And I slept in castles
And fell in love
Because I was taught to dream
I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture Tinker Bell
And they were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But I could always tell
Cause I believe in fairy tales
And dreamer's dreams
Like bedsheet sails
And I believe in Peter Pan
And miracles, anything I can to get by
And fireflies
Now before I grew up I saw you on a cloud
And I could bless myself in your name
And pat you on your wings
And before I grew up I heard you whisper so loud
Well life is hard and so is love
Child, believe in all these things
I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture Tinker Bell
And they were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But I could always tell
Cause I believe in fairy tales
And dreamer's dreams
Like bedsheet sails
And I believe in Peter Pan
And miracles, anything I can to get by . . .
And fireflies
And fireflies . . .
Before you met me I was a fairy princess
I caught frogs and called them prince
And made myself a queen
And before you knew me I'd traveled 'round the world
And I slept in castles
And fell in love
Because I was taught to dream
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Revenge speaks
Sometimes, I'd like to gather everyone who has wronged me into an auditorium. I'd like to line them up on stage in front of all their friends and family. And I would stand at a microphone, and call out their deeds. I would not tell lies or even give my opinions. I would simply list what they did, and how those actions changed my life.
"You... you are the reason my door is locked, even when I'm home in the middle of the day."
"You... you are the reason I've made my blog private and changed all my settings on Facebook."
"You... you are the reason I don't go to drive-in movies."
"You... you are the reason..."
In my mind, everyone in the audience would BOO these people. Then, these people would feel bad for what they have done, and they will practically thank me for pointing out their flaws so that they can change.
And I know that this fantasy is completely unrealistic.
Even if given the chance, I know I would never do this or call them out in any other way for several reasons.
First, I know it would make no difference. If a person needs their flaws pointed out, they probably wouldn't believe them. (Like the woman at Disney on Ice who acknowledged she was being rude, but still said she refused to change her behavior.)
Second, I refuse to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing their hurtful actions changed me. They don't deserve to have that power. (When all a person wants is a reaction- why give it to them?)
Third, I realize that what I am saying is not completely true...
I am the reason I lock my doors. (I am a woman living alone- I want to be safe, not stupid.)
I am the reason I made my blog private. (I don't want to worry about saying something that will hurt a person I know used to read this.)
I am the reason I don't go to drive-ins or see certain movies. (I know it will conjure up memories that I'd rather not relive.)
So, even though I have moments when I'd like to blame others and take my revenge, I'll keep this in my imagination.
And as a small post on my blog. :) (At least I didn't name names right?)
P.S. If you can actually read this, you would NOT be standing on that stage.
"You... you are the reason my door is locked, even when I'm home in the middle of the day."
"You... you are the reason I've made my blog private and changed all my settings on Facebook."
"You... you are the reason I don't go to drive-in movies."
"You... you are the reason..."
In my mind, everyone in the audience would BOO these people. Then, these people would feel bad for what they have done, and they will practically thank me for pointing out their flaws so that they can change.
And I know that this fantasy is completely unrealistic.
Even if given the chance, I know I would never do this or call them out in any other way for several reasons.
First, I know it would make no difference. If a person needs their flaws pointed out, they probably wouldn't believe them. (Like the woman at Disney on Ice who acknowledged she was being rude, but still said she refused to change her behavior.)
Second, I refuse to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing their hurtful actions changed me. They don't deserve to have that power. (When all a person wants is a reaction- why give it to them?)
Third, I realize that what I am saying is not completely true...
I am the reason I lock my doors. (I am a woman living alone- I want to be safe, not stupid.)
I am the reason I made my blog private. (I don't want to worry about saying something that will hurt a person I know used to read this.)
I am the reason I don't go to drive-ins or see certain movies. (I know it will conjure up memories that I'd rather not relive.)
So, even though I have moments when I'd like to blame others and take my revenge, I'll keep this in my imagination.
And as a small post on my blog. :) (At least I didn't name names right?)
P.S. If you can actually read this, you would NOT be standing on that stage.
Sunday's Scripture
A little story of my faith-
When I first met Andy, he told me a story that I honestly, barely remember. However, it ended with a man (who had questions) being told to just open the Bible, and he would find his answer. The man opened to a random page, and read the perfect verse for his situation.
I've never forgotten that last part, but I remember not really believing Andy at the time.
Fast forward five years. I was miserable, depressed, sad, angry, confused, and a whole bunch of other negative emotions. It was the middle of the night and I was home alone- crying in my misery. I was wondering why I couldn't be happy in my perfect life. I wanted my misery to end, but I didn't know how to make that happen.
And in my head, I heard Andy's voice, "Just open the Bible, and you will find the answer."
I opened to a random page, and started reading.
Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
I repeated those words over and over again until I fell asleep. And the next day, I was at peace. Shortly after, it was discovered (by a completely random mistake!) that the medication I was taking was causing severe depression. I quit taking it, and have never again felt the misery I felt that night.
I am not saying I have not felt depressed, sad, angry, confused, etc. Anyone who knows me knows that I have had my share of heartache since that time. I would being lying if I tried to say I've always felt peace. I can say honestly, I've never felt as miserable as I did that night. When I'm broken now, in the back of my mind I am comforted knowing it will not last. With God's grace, I will be healed.
As a side note, I don't know that this method is approved for finding God's answers. I've actually read an article that said just randomly opening the Bible to hope for an answer is a bad things to do. So, if you are offended by my post, I'm sorry.
I know this: it worked for me that night. It worked for me this summer. It worked for me just last week. I know that it will work for me in the in the future when I truly need an answer. I am thankful for that knowledge.
When I first met Andy, he told me a story that I honestly, barely remember. However, it ended with a man (who had questions) being told to just open the Bible, and he would find his answer. The man opened to a random page, and read the perfect verse for his situation.
I've never forgotten that last part, but I remember not really believing Andy at the time.
Fast forward five years. I was miserable, depressed, sad, angry, confused, and a whole bunch of other negative emotions. It was the middle of the night and I was home alone- crying in my misery. I was wondering why I couldn't be happy in my perfect life. I wanted my misery to end, but I didn't know how to make that happen.
And in my head, I heard Andy's voice, "Just open the Bible, and you will find the answer."
I opened to a random page, and started reading.
Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
I repeated those words over and over again until I fell asleep. And the next day, I was at peace. Shortly after, it was discovered (by a completely random mistake!) that the medication I was taking was causing severe depression. I quit taking it, and have never again felt the misery I felt that night.
I am not saying I have not felt depressed, sad, angry, confused, etc. Anyone who knows me knows that I have had my share of heartache since that time. I would being lying if I tried to say I've always felt peace. I can say honestly, I've never felt as miserable as I did that night. When I'm broken now, in the back of my mind I am comforted knowing it will not last. With God's grace, I will be healed.
As a side note, I don't know that this method is approved for finding God's answers. I've actually read an article that said just randomly opening the Bible to hope for an answer is a bad things to do. So, if you are offended by my post, I'm sorry.
I know this: it worked for me that night. It worked for me this summer. It worked for me just last week. I know that it will work for me in the in the future when I truly need an answer. I am thankful for that knowledge.
Patting myself on the back...
I know this sounds like bragging, and I know that is not an attractive quality, but I'm going to brag a little anyway. If you are reading this, I trust you are my friend or you wouldn't have received an invite from me.
So, as my friends, please understand and be forgiving of my boasting. I promise I won't do it all the time.
I shoveled my own walk today. This really shouldn't be a big deal, and it isn't. However, to me it is. Shoveling the walk was Andy's job- not mine. But I did it.
Every time I do one of these things, I smile because it is one more sign that I am ok. (Granted, I know all the time that I'm ok, but I LOVE these little reminders.) I'm talking about the things that have to happen to survive and be a productive adult.
When Andy moved out in June, I was really scared of all the things I would have to do. The first night he left I started to re-arrange furniture, and got my cedar chest stuck in my bedroom doorway when the flooring changed. I started to panic, and felt very much like I might not be able to survive in my own house. But, I took a deep breath, and realized if I put it on a blanket, I could slide it easily across the room.
I mowed my own lawn this summer. I've hung my own pictures and removed my own dead mouse. I drove myself to Arizona, and pumped my own gas at very strange places! :) (Today I'm going to change my own windshield wiper because I broke the last one off this morning. Oops!) I pay my own bills. I cook my own meals. I bathe my own dogs. I move my own furniture to clean under it. I even lifted my own TV to put a table cloth under it.
I want it to be clear- I don't do everything on my own. But, I also no longer panic when I can't do something. I know how to ask for help. Do I change my own oil? No, but I buy the stuff and make arrangements for it to get done. Do I know how to turn on my own heater? No, but I know how to stay warm by getting extra blankets until I can get someone to turn it on for me. (Yes... I admit, this year a little "fairy" came and turned it on before I had a chance to take care of it myself. Not my fault.)
Why am I so happy about this? Because it proves that I really can do anything on my own. I can survive on my own and don't "need a man" in my life to do it for me.
And this is valuable information moving forward. When we don't need another person to survive, it frees us to make decisions based on desire, not fear. It frees us to follow our hearts and souls.
It frees me to make the decision I want to make- not a decision I feel I have to make. And that, is a good feeling. :)
So, as my friends, please understand and be forgiving of my boasting. I promise I won't do it all the time.
I shoveled my own walk today. This really shouldn't be a big deal, and it isn't. However, to me it is. Shoveling the walk was Andy's job- not mine. But I did it.
Every time I do one of these things, I smile because it is one more sign that I am ok. (Granted, I know all the time that I'm ok, but I LOVE these little reminders.) I'm talking about the things that have to happen to survive and be a productive adult.
When Andy moved out in June, I was really scared of all the things I would have to do. The first night he left I started to re-arrange furniture, and got my cedar chest stuck in my bedroom doorway when the flooring changed. I started to panic, and felt very much like I might not be able to survive in my own house. But, I took a deep breath, and realized if I put it on a blanket, I could slide it easily across the room.
I mowed my own lawn this summer. I've hung my own pictures and removed my own dead mouse. I drove myself to Arizona, and pumped my own gas at very strange places! :) (Today I'm going to change my own windshield wiper because I broke the last one off this morning. Oops!) I pay my own bills. I cook my own meals. I bathe my own dogs. I move my own furniture to clean under it. I even lifted my own TV to put a table cloth under it.
I want it to be clear- I don't do everything on my own. But, I also no longer panic when I can't do something. I know how to ask for help. Do I change my own oil? No, but I buy the stuff and make arrangements for it to get done. Do I know how to turn on my own heater? No, but I know how to stay warm by getting extra blankets until I can get someone to turn it on for me. (Yes... I admit, this year a little "fairy" came and turned it on before I had a chance to take care of it myself. Not my fault.)
Why am I so happy about this? Because it proves that I really can do anything on my own. I can survive on my own and don't "need a man" in my life to do it for me.
And this is valuable information moving forward. When we don't need another person to survive, it frees us to make decisions based on desire, not fear. It frees us to follow our hearts and souls.
It frees me to make the decision I want to make- not a decision I feel I have to make. And that, is a good feeling. :)
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Saturday's Super Seven
Seven Super things about my Saturday-
1. I got to wake up to a phone call from my parents instead of my annoying alarm.
2. I got to start the morning eating breakfast with my parents.
3. Andy came to visit, and we had a good time.
4. Harry Potter 7, part 1!!!
5. Some papers got graded, some work got done
6. My door doesn't leak as much air as it did before (Thanks Dad!)
7. I slept all night long!
1. I got to wake up to a phone call from my parents instead of my annoying alarm.
2. I got to start the morning eating breakfast with my parents.
3. Andy came to visit, and we had a good time.
4. Harry Potter 7, part 1!!!
5. Some papers got graded, some work got done
6. My door doesn't leak as much air as it did before (Thanks Dad!)
7. I slept all night long!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Words that mean something to me...
Here you go Katie! Words that invoke reaction in my soul...
Nobility- The state or quality of being exalted in character.
Integrity- adherence to moral principles; honesty
Compassion- the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it
Adventure- Participation in hazardous or exciting experiences
Intelligence- The capacity to acquire and apply knowledge.
Humanity- The quality of being humane; benevolence.
Arizona- A state of the southwest United States
Lightning- The visible flash of light accompanying such a discharge.
Grace- Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.
Nobility- The state or quality of being exalted in character.
Integrity- adherence to moral principles; honesty
unity; wholeness
Compassion- the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it
Adventure- Participation in hazardous or exciting experiences
Intelligence- The capacity to acquire and apply knowledge.
Humanity- The quality of being humane; benevolence.
Arizona- A state of the southwest United States
Lightning- The visible flash of light accompanying such a discharge.
Grace- Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.
Black Friday Adventure
This is the first year I've ever really done "Black Friday" shopping. We decided to start at 10 last night, and shop until we ran out of stores or energy.
First, I must thank CJ for being a fabulous instructor.
Honestly folks- it is NOT as bad as they claim! It was really a lot of fun. We started the night at Toys-r-Us. We stood in line outside for about an hour, but it was moving for most of the last 40 minutes. No stampeding. A few rude people tried to cut the line, but for the most part it was fun. The people in line behind us were hilarious!
Inside, we waited in line for awhile- but we were warm so we didn't mind.
We also spent time at the mall, Wal-Mart (no problems!), Kohl's, Sears, Bed-Bath&Beyond, Carters... we got most of what we wanted. No one got hurt, though CJ did get pushed a little.
Funny story- we ran into one store when the doors opened. We saw something that we wanted. It was quite large. We slid it off the shelf into the basket. Then, we realized it was the WRONG item! It was too heavy for us to lift OUT of the basket. It was so big the basket was actually bending...
We were looking around for a "strong man" to help us out. The only guys around looked to be about 12. Then, I saw a guy and thought, maybe he'd help us. Then I realized it was my brother-in-law! He was great to help.
In the end- it was fun. It was an all night adventure, and I'd do it again!
First, I must thank CJ for being a fabulous instructor.
Honestly folks- it is NOT as bad as they claim! It was really a lot of fun. We started the night at Toys-r-Us. We stood in line outside for about an hour, but it was moving for most of the last 40 minutes. No stampeding. A few rude people tried to cut the line, but for the most part it was fun. The people in line behind us were hilarious!
Inside, we waited in line for awhile- but we were warm so we didn't mind.
We also spent time at the mall, Wal-Mart (no problems!), Kohl's, Sears, Bed-Bath&Beyond, Carters... we got most of what we wanted. No one got hurt, though CJ did get pushed a little.
Funny story- we ran into one store when the doors opened. We saw something that we wanted. It was quite large. We slid it off the shelf into the basket. Then, we realized it was the WRONG item! It was too heavy for us to lift OUT of the basket. It was so big the basket was actually bending...
We were looking around for a "strong man" to help us out. The only guys around looked to be about 12. Then, I saw a guy and thought, maybe he'd help us. Then I realized it was my brother-in-law! He was great to help.
In the end- it was fun. It was an all night adventure, and I'd do it again!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Eat, Pray, Love
As I was Christmas shopping today, I came across the movie Eat, Pray, Love. Two thoughts came to mind:
1. I never actually got to see the movie like I wanted.
2. I never wrote the Eat, Pray, Love blog that I intended to write when I started this blog.
Tonight, I rented the movie and I am so glad I read the book. It is much better. Or maybe I am in a completely different life now than I was three months ago. It is odd to think about... three months ago when I read this book I was a different person than I am today. My life was different than it is now. The future looks different now than it did three months ago. It has just been three months...
So, here it is- the blog that meant more three months ago, but that still needs to be written.
Eat, Pray, Love
"Why must everything always have a practical application? I'd been such a diligent soldier for year...Is this lifetime supposed to be only about duty? In this dark period of loss, did I need any justification for.... other than that it was the only thing I could imagine bringing me any pleasure right now?" This is how I felt the moment I bought my mustang. No it makes no practical sense to own three vehicles, but if it makes me happy why not?
"What about the benefits of living harmoniously amid extremes? What if you could somehow create an expansive enough life that you could synchronize seemingly incongruous opposites into a worldview that excludes nothing?...I wanted worldly enjoyment and divine transcendence- the dual glories of a human life...the singular balance of the good and the beautiful." I've always wanted BOTH- I've never wanted to choose. I am a gemini and I've always searched for the compromise. I want to do good and to be happy.
"I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you...There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love... Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend." I commit to forgive myself and never give up on myself. I am strong, brave, and beautiful... and there will be moments when I am not perfect, but I promise to still love myself.
"Virginia Wolf wrote, 'Across the broad continents of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword.' On one side of that sword, she said, there lies convention and tradition and order...But on the other side of that sword...'all is confusion.'"I want to live on both sides of the sword.
"But is is such a bad thing to live like this for just a little while? Just for a few months of one's life, is it so awful to travel through time with no greater ambition than to find the next lovely meal? ...Or to nap in a garden, in a patch of sunlight, in the middle of the day, right next to your favorite fountain? And then to do it again the next day?" Aaahhh... the perfect summary to my summer.
"In a world of disorder and disaster and fraud, sometimes only beauty can be trusted. Only artistic excellence is incorruptible. Pleasure cannot be bargained down." I love making finding pleasure a priority.
"If faith were rational, it wouldn't b- by definition-faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity..." Living by faith is not easy, but it is a better option than living in frustration. Everything will always work out. Done.
"We gallop through our lives like circus performers balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses- one foot is on the horse called 'fate' and the other on the horse called 'free-will.' And the question you have to ask every day is- which horse is which? Which horse do I need to stop worrying about... and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort?" Honestly, I need to remember this. I need to worry less about the things I can't control. As long as I do what I need to do, fate will take care of the rest.
The journey for recovering from heartbreak-
Eat- learning to just find pleasure.
Pray- finding faith, inner peace, and the grace of God
Love- opening back up to the idea that wounded in the first place
The question... where am I on this journey?
1. I never actually got to see the movie like I wanted.
2. I never wrote the Eat, Pray, Love blog that I intended to write when I started this blog.
Tonight, I rented the movie and I am so glad I read the book. It is much better. Or maybe I am in a completely different life now than I was three months ago. It is odd to think about... three months ago when I read this book I was a different person than I am today. My life was different than it is now. The future looks different now than it did three months ago. It has just been three months...
So, here it is- the blog that meant more three months ago, but that still needs to be written.
Eat, Pray, Love
"Why must everything always have a practical application? I'd been such a diligent soldier for year...Is this lifetime supposed to be only about duty? In this dark period of loss, did I need any justification for.... other than that it was the only thing I could imagine bringing me any pleasure right now?" This is how I felt the moment I bought my mustang. No it makes no practical sense to own three vehicles, but if it makes me happy why not?
"What about the benefits of living harmoniously amid extremes? What if you could somehow create an expansive enough life that you could synchronize seemingly incongruous opposites into a worldview that excludes nothing?...I wanted worldly enjoyment and divine transcendence- the dual glories of a human life...the singular balance of the good and the beautiful." I've always wanted BOTH- I've never wanted to choose. I am a gemini and I've always searched for the compromise. I want to do good and to be happy.
"I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you...There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love... Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend." I commit to forgive myself and never give up on myself. I am strong, brave, and beautiful... and there will be moments when I am not perfect, but I promise to still love myself.
"Virginia Wolf wrote, 'Across the broad continents of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword.' On one side of that sword, she said, there lies convention and tradition and order...But on the other side of that sword...'all is confusion.'"I want to live on both sides of the sword.
"But is is such a bad thing to live like this for just a little while? Just for a few months of one's life, is it so awful to travel through time with no greater ambition than to find the next lovely meal? ...Or to nap in a garden, in a patch of sunlight, in the middle of the day, right next to your favorite fountain? And then to do it again the next day?" Aaahhh... the perfect summary to my summer.
"In a world of disorder and disaster and fraud, sometimes only beauty can be trusted. Only artistic excellence is incorruptible. Pleasure cannot be bargained down." I love making finding pleasure a priority.
"If faith were rational, it wouldn't b- by definition-faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity..." Living by faith is not easy, but it is a better option than living in frustration. Everything will always work out. Done.
"We gallop through our lives like circus performers balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses- one foot is on the horse called 'fate' and the other on the horse called 'free-will.' And the question you have to ask every day is- which horse is which? Which horse do I need to stop worrying about... and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort?" Honestly, I need to remember this. I need to worry less about the things I can't control. As long as I do what I need to do, fate will take care of the rest.
The journey for recovering from heartbreak-
Eat- learning to just find pleasure.
Pray- finding faith, inner peace, and the grace of God
Love- opening back up to the idea that wounded in the first place
The question... where am I on this journey?
Bittersweet Memories
I am setting up my Christmas tree. Honestly, I have struggled with the decision for several reasons. Mostly, the tree was bought to surprise me and setting it up makes me sad. I also know that there will be no presents under the tree, and that makes me sad.
But, I want a tree in my house. So, I'm compromising. I bought new decorations for the tree, and I'm going to wrap all the presents I have for my nieces and they'll live under my tree for as long as possible.
But, the whole process has made me sentimental. I realize I have a lot of memories that are bittersweet. They make me so happy, and reliving those moments make me smile and laugh. And then I realize that everything has changed, and the things that made those memories so good are gone.
And that makes me sad.
But, I am going to face that sadness. I am going to relive those memories because the joy is good. And I will make new memories that will bring me joy.
I remember my junior year in high school. It was right around this time of year when Jarod and I got into a silly fight over buying Christmas presents. He wanted to get me something but insist I buy him nothing. At one point he wrote me a note that used a few choice words, basically calling me stubborn. I used even more choice words when I wrote him back. Silly boy left the note where his mom found it, and she grounded me for weeks. I don't remember what we exchanged for Christmas, but I remember laughing in how much trouble I got in by HIS mom.
I remember Christmas in Arizona. We spend Christmas eve at my grandparents' and always opened one gift. We got up bright and early Christmas morning. Actually, CJ always stayed in my room and we stayed up all night. Once it was one, we snuck upstairs. Christmas day we spent with Grandpa in his Santa hat. I miss him, and I miss the excitement of the morning.
I remember Christmas in Idaho. My grandma's tree was HUGE, and sat right in front of these large windows. It was so beautiful in the morning, with presents piled underneath. That day all of us cousins just played. I am so glad we were able to make it that year. I miss Grandma. Now all of us cousins have grown up, and sometimes it seems like most of my family has grown in reverse.
I remember Starbursts and Skittles in duct tape. And more Starbursts the next year, and the year after that. I remember always wondering just how much duct tape I was going to have to rip through to get to my gift.
I can't wait for Christmas this year. I can't wait to see what memories I will form. It is one month from tomorrow...
But, I want a tree in my house. So, I'm compromising. I bought new decorations for the tree, and I'm going to wrap all the presents I have for my nieces and they'll live under my tree for as long as possible.
But, the whole process has made me sentimental. I realize I have a lot of memories that are bittersweet. They make me so happy, and reliving those moments make me smile and laugh. And then I realize that everything has changed, and the things that made those memories so good are gone.
And that makes me sad.
But, I am going to face that sadness. I am going to relive those memories because the joy is good. And I will make new memories that will bring me joy.
I remember my junior year in high school. It was right around this time of year when Jarod and I got into a silly fight over buying Christmas presents. He wanted to get me something but insist I buy him nothing. At one point he wrote me a note that used a few choice words, basically calling me stubborn. I used even more choice words when I wrote him back. Silly boy left the note where his mom found it, and she grounded me for weeks. I don't remember what we exchanged for Christmas, but I remember laughing in how much trouble I got in by HIS mom.
I remember Christmas in Arizona. We spend Christmas eve at my grandparents' and always opened one gift. We got up bright and early Christmas morning. Actually, CJ always stayed in my room and we stayed up all night. Once it was one, we snuck upstairs. Christmas day we spent with Grandpa in his Santa hat. I miss him, and I miss the excitement of the morning.
I remember Christmas in Idaho. My grandma's tree was HUGE, and sat right in front of these large windows. It was so beautiful in the morning, with presents piled underneath. That day all of us cousins just played. I am so glad we were able to make it that year. I miss Grandma. Now all of us cousins have grown up, and sometimes it seems like most of my family has grown in reverse.
I remember Starbursts and Skittles in duct tape. And more Starbursts the next year, and the year after that. I remember always wondering just how much duct tape I was going to have to rip through to get to my gift.
I can't wait for Christmas this year. I can't wait to see what memories I will form. It is one month from tomorrow...
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The morning...
I like being up early (when it isn't too early). It is peaceful in the early morning hours. Outside is quiet, and my dogs are asleep. It is a little bit chilly, but that only makes it perfect for cuddling up in my soft blanket.
A four thirty wake up I could get used to... it is the two-o-clock stuff that I just can't handle, when I went to bed at eleven thirty. I like the calmness that is morning, when I know I've had enough sleep to get me through the day.
Or maybe my peace this morning comes from knowing it is a B day AND the day before a 5 day weekend. I just like to say it: B-day equals yearbook (!!!), debate x2 and PREP!!!
I'd probably be able to survive today on no sleep. :)
It is almost five in the morning. I am excited by the possibilities of today. Today I could say something to make a child more knowledgeable than they were yesterday. Today I could smile at someone and their day will be better. Today I could help a person at just the moment they needed to be helped.
Aaaahhhh... today. Today my soul is happy.
A four thirty wake up I could get used to... it is the two-o-clock stuff that I just can't handle, when I went to bed at eleven thirty. I like the calmness that is morning, when I know I've had enough sleep to get me through the day.
Or maybe my peace this morning comes from knowing it is a B day AND the day before a 5 day weekend. I just like to say it: B-day equals yearbook (!!!), debate x2 and PREP!!!
I'd probably be able to survive today on no sleep. :)
It is almost five in the morning. I am excited by the possibilities of today. Today I could say something to make a child more knowledgeable than they were yesterday. Today I could smile at someone and their day will be better. Today I could help a person at just the moment they needed to be helped.
Aaaahhhh... today. Today my soul is happy.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Free time = Fun Stuff
You Are Cinderella |
 You believe it's important to do the right thing, even if you aren't rewarded for it. Not everyone treats you with respect, but good people see your goodness. You've had a lot of bad luck, but these days it feels like you luck is about to change. Even though times are tough, hang in there. You'll eventually get the life you justly deserve. |
You Are a Jellyfish |
 You are a vulnerable person, but you also have a lot of inner strength. Sometimes you even surprise yourself. You are very honest and open. You have nothing to hide and resent it when people don't tell you the truth. You are illuminating and insightful. You understand and explain the world well. You are energizing and enthusiastic. You get people up and moving. |
You Are Linus |
 You are an optimistic and open minded person. You believe that everything will work out in the end. You are very kind and forgiving. You're always willing to give someone another chance. You are highly creative and innovative. People sometimes just don't get what you're doing. You are brainier and smarter than people realize. You are always thinking, plotting, or dreaming. |
Music Monday
Songs speak to me. I hear the words to songs and I think, "Aha! That's what I should say," or "That's how I feel!" Sometimes I think, "Aha! That's what YOU should say..."
So, I'm dedicating Monday's to music that speaks to my soul.
I love the idea in this song that we all make mistakes, but we don't have to let those mistakes define us. We can be bigger and better than our pasts, but we have to choose that for ourselves.
I choose to not be haunted by mistakes I've made. I will not beat myself up over them. I will not let them define my life. Really, who could blame me if I decided to curl up and wallow in self-pity or rant and rage in warranted anger?
But that is not who I am. And that is not who I want to be. Therefor, THAT IS NOT WHO I WILL BE.
I also like the rumor that this song is written for a person that completely wronged the song writer. This is a song that speaks forgiveness...
Today: Innocent by Taylor Swift
I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin' to get it back
Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?
And everybody believed in you?
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
You're still an innocent
There's some things you can't speak of
But tonight you'll live it all again
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now
If only you would sing what you know now then
Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep?
Before the monsters caught up to you?
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent
Time turns flames to embers
You'll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never to late to
Be brand new
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent
So, I'm dedicating Monday's to music that speaks to my soul.
I love the idea in this song that we all make mistakes, but we don't have to let those mistakes define us. We can be bigger and better than our pasts, but we have to choose that for ourselves.
I choose to not be haunted by mistakes I've made. I will not beat myself up over them. I will not let them define my life. Really, who could blame me if I decided to curl up and wallow in self-pity or rant and rage in warranted anger?
But that is not who I am. And that is not who I want to be. Therefor, THAT IS NOT WHO I WILL BE.
I also like the rumor that this song is written for a person that completely wronged the song writer. This is a song that speaks forgiveness...
Today: Innocent by Taylor Swift
I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin' to get it back
Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?
And everybody believed in you?
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
You're still an innocent
There's some things you can't speak of
But tonight you'll live it all again
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now
If only you would sing what you know now then
Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep?
Before the monsters caught up to you?
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent
Time turns flames to embers
You'll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never to late to
Be brand new
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Sunday's Scripture
This is my favorite. (I'm not being dramatic, but honestly- these are the words I want read at my funeral. So remember that 50 years from now...)
These words are my comfort. These words ring of the simple idea- there is a time for everything, and it all happens for a reason.
And it has special meaning today. I pray for strength for those that need it... for faith that no matter what...
There is a time for everything
and a season for every activity under the heavens.
a time to be born and a time to die
a time to plant and a time to uproot
a time to kill and a time to heal
a time to tear down and a time to build
a time to weep and a time to laugh
a time to mourn and a time to dance
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them
a time to embrace and a time to refrain
a time to search and a time to give up
a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to tear and a time to mend
a time to be silent and a time to speak
a time to love and a time to hate
a time for war and a time for peace
I know that there is nothing better for a person than to be happy and to do good while they live.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 12)
These words are my comfort. These words ring of the simple idea- there is a time for everything, and it all happens for a reason.
And it has special meaning today. I pray for strength for those that need it... for faith that no matter what...
There is a time for everything
and a season for every activity under the heavens.
a time to be born and a time to die
a time to plant and a time to uproot
a time to kill and a time to heal
a time to tear down and a time to build
a time to weep and a time to laugh
a time to mourn and a time to dance
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them
a time to embrace and a time to refrain
a time to search and a time to give up
a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to tear and a time to mend
a time to be silent and a time to speak
a time to love and a time to hate
a time for war and a time for peace
I know that there is nothing better for a person than to be happy and to do good while they live.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 12)
Today's Horoscope...
Your sentimental life might be subjected to sudden but positive changes. You'll live at a mad speed and risk being broken down at the very moment when you'll need to be in a top form. Do not embark on too daring financial deals; follow the advice of specialists. Think more of your private life. Having shown yourself friendly and open to others, you'll be now very well surrounded.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Super Saturday Seven
Seven Super things about my Saturday
1. I LOVE the stress in the air at junior high testing!
2. My GT kids write awesome stories, and I love ONLY making positive comments.
3. There is a sheet of snow in my front yard
4. All my debates are scored, and it took half as long as I thought it would
5. ALL my decorations are up- FINALLY! Even the really big one that's been leaning against the wall since June.
6. Jackie wants so badly to play tug-a-war with her tennis ball... but the WHOLE things is in her mouth so I can't grab it. But she keeps trying...
7. T-shirt & jeans day... and string cheese. :)
1. I LOVE the stress in the air at junior high testing!
2. My GT kids write awesome stories, and I love ONLY making positive comments.
3. There is a sheet of snow in my front yard
4. All my debates are scored, and it took half as long as I thought it would
5. ALL my decorations are up- FINALLY! Even the really big one that's been leaning against the wall since June.
6. Jackie wants so badly to play tug-a-war with her tennis ball... but the WHOLE things is in her mouth so I can't grab it. But she keeps trying...
7. T-shirt & jeans day... and string cheese. :)
These are the days I like :)
I really think I should look into administration. Really, I think my future career lies in G/T administrative work.
Sure... they have an office instead of a classroom. That thought makes me sad.
But- they have to study law, know law, and quote law.
They have to solve problems that come up on a moment's notice.
It takes organization... creativity...
And it sure is fun to work with them!
This morning I got to play assistant at the G/T testing session. We were short proctors, 100+ kids registered LAST NIGHT (who registers for a test at midnight???), we were short over 20 testing books...
And it was just a lot of fun! It was fun directing 200 kids where to go. It was fun directing proctors to rooms and parents out the door.
There is a part of me that just comes alive doing things like this. I thrive on the pressure... the fast pace... and the sense of accomplishment when it all works out.
I am supposed to be in the classroom right now... but not forever.
Sure... they have an office instead of a classroom. That thought makes me sad.
But- they have to study law, know law, and quote law.
They have to solve problems that come up on a moment's notice.
It takes organization... creativity...
And it sure is fun to work with them!
This morning I got to play assistant at the G/T testing session. We were short proctors, 100+ kids registered LAST NIGHT (who registers for a test at midnight???), we were short over 20 testing books...
And it was just a lot of fun! It was fun directing 200 kids where to go. It was fun directing proctors to rooms and parents out the door.
There is a part of me that just comes alive doing things like this. I thrive on the pressure... the fast pace... and the sense of accomplishment when it all works out.
I am supposed to be in the classroom right now... but not forever.
Friday, November 19, 2010
CHIBS check
This is MY check. If you are reading, I thank you for your love and interest in my life. I'm not listing my answers but rather my questions. My successes and failures are my own right now. Please be content to know what I am trying to accomplish, and support me in my efforts.
I have disabled the comments on this blog because I don't want your answers to my questions. As much as I love your input... only I can judge myself. My dear friends reading this... I know how much you love me and I know that you will answer so many of these questions with "YES!" But I am keeping myself to a very high standard. I can only grow if I face the hard facts and my weaknesses.
My Goal Check Questions:
Compassion: Am I being compassionate to others? Do I forgive and treat them kindly? Do I make decisions out of revenge or anger, or compassion and love?
Happiness: Am I finding happiness in little things? Am I seeking opportunities to be happy?
Intelligence: Am I furthering my knowledge? Am I growing as a teacher?
Beauty: Am I being a good person? Am I doing what is right? Am I kind, giving, and helpful? Do I serve others?
Strength: Do I endure when things are difficult? Do I allow myself to have weak moments and then move on? Do I seek help when needed? Do I stand alone when I can?
I have disabled the comments on this blog because I don't want your answers to my questions. As much as I love your input... only I can judge myself. My dear friends reading this... I know how much you love me and I know that you will answer so many of these questions with "YES!" But I am keeping myself to a very high standard. I can only grow if I face the hard facts and my weaknesses.
My Goal Check Questions:
Compassion: Am I being compassionate to others? Do I forgive and treat them kindly? Do I make decisions out of revenge or anger, or compassion and love?
Happiness: Am I finding happiness in little things? Am I seeking opportunities to be happy?
Intelligence: Am I furthering my knowledge? Am I growing as a teacher?
Beauty: Am I being a good person? Am I doing what is right? Am I kind, giving, and helpful? Do I serve others?
Strength: Do I endure when things are difficult? Do I allow myself to have weak moments and then move on? Do I seek help when needed? Do I stand alone when I can?
What is right is not always easy...
What is really right?
If you intentionally deceive another,
to allow them to be happy
for a moment...
Are you really helping them?
By lying you choose the path
for another to follow
and take away their choice...
Is that fair to them?
By betraying one to save another
you make one more important
and the other less...
Is that the message you want to send?
Hiding the truth to prevent pain
creates agony in those
knowing the truth...
Should they have to live with that?
Deceit
Lies
Betrayal
Hiding
Are you really doing what is right?
More importantly...
Am I really doing what is right?
If I allow one person to be deceived
If I let one person believe lies
If I withhold the truth
and help them be betrayed...
In order to protect another...
Am I doing what is right?
If I deceive a deceiver
Lie to a liar
Betray a person who betrays
Hide truth from a person who hurts others
In the name of fighting for what is right...
In the name of fighting for what is good...
Am I doing what is right?
If you intentionally deceive another,
to allow them to be happy
for a moment...
Are you really helping them?
By lying you choose the path
for another to follow
and take away their choice...
Is that fair to them?
By betraying one to save another
you make one more important
and the other less...
Is that the message you want to send?
Hiding the truth to prevent pain
creates agony in those
knowing the truth...
Should they have to live with that?
Deceit
Lies
Betrayal
Hiding
Are you really doing what is right?
More importantly...
Am I really doing what is right?
If I allow one person to be deceived
If I let one person believe lies
If I withhold the truth
and help them be betrayed...
In order to protect another...
Am I doing what is right?
If I deceive a deceiver
Lie to a liar
Betray a person who betrays
Hide truth from a person who hurts others
In the name of fighting for what is right...
In the name of fighting for what is good...
Am I doing what is right?
Monday, November 15, 2010
30 Days of Thanks
15. Today I am thankful for seasons. It snowed this morning, and the mountains look beautiful. I love that I just when I get sick of one thing... another season comes. I love the rain in spring, sun (not heat) in summer, leaves of fall... and snowy mountain in winter. Aaaahhhh... nice.
14. Today I am thankful for little girls... especially E, K & K!
13. Today I am thankful for the Hardings. So much of who I am is because I knew them. RIP Kay, and prayers of comfort to your family.
12. Today I'm thankful for Friday- I am SO glad it is the weekend.
11. Today I am thankful for the men and women that serve- the troops and the families. I have so much because of you.
#11b- Today I am also SO thankful for times with friends and family when we get to feel smarter, stronger, funnier, and just better than we feel on a normal basis. (Especially after a lot of time is s...pent in a junior high...)
10. Today I am thankful for the brave... those willing to stand up and say what needs said, even though not everyone will like it. Those willing to do what is honest & right, even when it will make them look bad. Those willing to do what is difficult when everyone else says it is time to quit. There should be more people like you.
9. Today I am thankful for my neighbor teachers- past and present. They are my mentors and friends. They make me smile and help make the rough days better.
8. I am thankful for friends who some how know just when to send a text saying hello! It arrived just after I was called into the principal's office (for the first time ever!) after he'd received a phone call from an angry parent. I apparently told his son I was annoyed by his emails (the dad's) and I have it out for... his son. Good thing I was planning on calling tonight anyway to discuss his son's behavior today.
7. Today I am thankful for roads lined with golden trees. My drive this morning was BEAUTIFUL! It has inspired me to get all my grading done FAST. I've told myself, once it is done I can go on a Mustang cruise up the canyons in SLC. I have plans at 3... so I need to leave by 1:30 to have time in the canyon... so I have 1.5 hours to grade. Time to get to it!
6. Today I am thankful for my parents and the way we were raised. I always felt loved and supported. They attempted to teach us kindness, compassion, and to think for ourselves. I am so thankful for their lessons and positive look on life and people.
5. Today I am thankful for the leaves the crunch under my feet as I walk down the sidewalk in the perfect fall air.
4. Today I am thankful for my extended family- there are so many of you that just make me happy. Even when I don't talk to you for a long time- I feel your love!
3. Today I am thankful for all the people that helped me on my road to being a teacher- especially the administrators that have hired me. For me, teaching is where my "passion and the world's great hunger" meet. I am thankful I found that place where I am fulfilled, and I am so glad others saw me as a teacher, and gave ...me the opportunity to have a classroom of my own.
2. Today I am thankful for the wonders of the pills my neighbor teacher gave me. My awful headache came roaring in 3rd period, but she had pain killers that had it gone in 30 minutes. (While I was still teaching...) I guess more importantly- I am thankful to work next to friends willing to help me out.
1. Today I am thankful for my four year old (almost 5!) niece, and the beautiful art she sent me. It made me smile when I opened it.
14. Today I am thankful for little girls... especially E, K & K!
13. Today I am thankful for the Hardings. So much of who I am is because I knew them. RIP Kay, and prayers of comfort to your family.
12. Today I'm thankful for Friday- I am SO glad it is the weekend.
11. Today I am thankful for the men and women that serve- the troops and the families. I have so much because of you.
#11b- Today I am also SO thankful for times with friends and family when we get to feel smarter, stronger, funnier, and just better than we feel on a normal basis. (Especially after a lot of time is s...pent in a junior high...)
10. Today I am thankful for the brave... those willing to stand up and say what needs said, even though not everyone will like it. Those willing to do what is honest & right, even when it will make them look bad. Those willing to do what is difficult when everyone else says it is time to quit. There should be more people like you.
9. Today I am thankful for my neighbor teachers- past and present. They are my mentors and friends. They make me smile and help make the rough days better.
8. I am thankful for friends who some how know just when to send a text saying hello! It arrived just after I was called into the principal's office (for the first time ever!) after he'd received a phone call from an angry parent. I apparently told his son I was annoyed by his emails (the dad's) and I have it out for... his son. Good thing I was planning on calling tonight anyway to discuss his son's behavior today.
7. Today I am thankful for roads lined with golden trees. My drive this morning was BEAUTIFUL! It has inspired me to get all my grading done FAST. I've told myself, once it is done I can go on a Mustang cruise up the canyons in SLC. I have plans at 3... so I need to leave by 1:30 to have time in the canyon... so I have 1.5 hours to grade. Time to get to it!
6. Today I am thankful for my parents and the way we were raised. I always felt loved and supported. They attempted to teach us kindness, compassion, and to think for ourselves. I am so thankful for their lessons and positive look on life and people.
5. Today I am thankful for the leaves the crunch under my feet as I walk down the sidewalk in the perfect fall air.
4. Today I am thankful for my extended family- there are so many of you that just make me happy. Even when I don't talk to you for a long time- I feel your love!
3. Today I am thankful for all the people that helped me on my road to being a teacher- especially the administrators that have hired me. For me, teaching is where my "passion and the world's great hunger" meet. I am thankful I found that place where I am fulfilled, and I am so glad others saw me as a teacher, and gave ...me the opportunity to have a classroom of my own.
2. Today I am thankful for the wonders of the pills my neighbor teacher gave me. My awful headache came roaring in 3rd period, but she had pain killers that had it gone in 30 minutes. (While I was still teaching...) I guess more importantly- I am thankful to work next to friends willing to help me out.
1. Today I am thankful for my four year old (almost 5!) niece, and the beautiful art she sent me. It made me smile when I opened it.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Trying of your faith brings patience...
First, you have to understand I have no patience. A lot of people think I do because of my jobs- working with kids who have disabilities or junior high kids. But, that is patience in a moment. Real, lifetime patience I lack completely. I want to know the outcome of things long before they happen.
But, I don't know my future right now. I know it will be good. I know I will be happy. I know I will do great things. But... I want to know how, and I want to know when... and I want to know those things NOW! (Just tell me when, and I can wait...)
I need to learn patience, and I know this.
So a few months ago, in an impatient moment, I opened my Bible and asked God to just give me an answer. His response, in James 1:2-3
The trying of your faith works patience. Let patience do her work and you will be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
When I first read this, I knew instantly I am in my situation to learn patience. God was telling me that my faith is tested so I can learn patience.
I was also comforted by "not lacking anything." I knew that if I was patience I would be blessed with all I need. This has become a favorite verse, and I read it often.
Throughout all of the trials of the last few months, I've felt I was "not enough." Now before I get a bunch of comments saying, "but you are!" hear me out. I don't really know what I am missing, but I feel deep in me that something about me is lacking. I have struggled to find the answer to the question, "What don't I have in me?" I've stressed over this... and cried, screamed, discussed... over the answer to this question.
Again, before you jump to the "You have everything!" comment (because I know you all love me!) I want to share my revelation from tonight.
I was driving home from my church group, and thinking of James 1:2-3, and a new word stood out to me: complete.
I am NOT complete at the moment. I'm not talking about my situation, but ME, as a person. There is something that I am not.
But with patience through this time of trial... I will be complete. I will find that missing piece, and I will feel whole. And I find comfort in knowing that is coming to me. I don't have to stress anymore. I don't have to cry or question it anymore. If I am just patient, I will be made complete. Whatever it is that makes me "not enough" will become part of me, and it is good to know that. A weight has been lifted.
I may not know when, but I am content to wait until I am...
COMPLETE, AND NOT LACKING ANYTHING. :)
But, I don't know my future right now. I know it will be good. I know I will be happy. I know I will do great things. But... I want to know how, and I want to know when... and I want to know those things NOW! (Just tell me when, and I can wait...)
I need to learn patience, and I know this.
So a few months ago, in an impatient moment, I opened my Bible and asked God to just give me an answer. His response, in James 1:2-3
The trying of your faith works patience. Let patience do her work and you will be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
When I first read this, I knew instantly I am in my situation to learn patience. God was telling me that my faith is tested so I can learn patience.
I was also comforted by "not lacking anything." I knew that if I was patience I would be blessed with all I need. This has become a favorite verse, and I read it often.
Throughout all of the trials of the last few months, I've felt I was "not enough." Now before I get a bunch of comments saying, "but you are!" hear me out. I don't really know what I am missing, but I feel deep in me that something about me is lacking. I have struggled to find the answer to the question, "What don't I have in me?" I've stressed over this... and cried, screamed, discussed... over the answer to this question.
Again, before you jump to the "You have everything!" comment (because I know you all love me!) I want to share my revelation from tonight.
I was driving home from my church group, and thinking of James 1:2-3, and a new word stood out to me: complete.
I am NOT complete at the moment. I'm not talking about my situation, but ME, as a person. There is something that I am not.
But with patience through this time of trial... I will be complete. I will find that missing piece, and I will feel whole. And I find comfort in knowing that is coming to me. I don't have to stress anymore. I don't have to cry or question it anymore. If I am just patient, I will be made complete. Whatever it is that makes me "not enough" will become part of me, and it is good to know that. A weight has been lifted.
I may not know when, but I am content to wait until I am...
COMPLETE, AND NOT LACKING ANYTHING. :)
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