Soul Happy Moments

I haven't written a blog post in a long time. If you are reading this, please understand the purpose of my blog. I never started it with the intent to document my life or keep you informed about what is happening. I wrote it to give my soul a voice. I wrote it to give me a place to remember that I can't always be logical and rational. Sometimes- a person just has to follow the little voice in them that says, "Live."

These are the moments when I felt most alive recently.

- I loved just chatting with another teacher at the school. It wasn't about school- it was about life. I don't know that I let that happen nearly as often as I should.

- Older K on Christmas- I LOVE the amazing little lady she is becoming! She was so nice and polite opening presents, and she is such a good older sister. Every time she ran to the camera to say thanks to my parents, I was so thrilled to hear it!

- Little K on Christmas- I love listening to her talk. I just wanted to let her play with her presents, and it was so sad to watch them get taken away- even if it was so she could open another. Ok, sad, but at the same time- so cute in a "the little things in life make you happy" kind of way.

- E- she was so excited to get the bubble wrap from my Mom's present. She put it out as a "road" in the hallway and ran back and forth on it forever. She also insisted that we walk on it on our way upstairs. That in itself was adorable and made me smile.

- I have to admit, for the rest of the day I walked on the bubblewrap too because it just made me happy.

- I own a unicorn named PJ. (Pearl James) Andy gave her to me for Christmas, and the entire drive home the other night all I wanted to do was pet her over and over. She is so soft and I love unicorns. (For those of you who missed the memo- I used to have half dozen unicorn posters hanging on my walls, and I really believed some day I would find a real one...) 

- Andy gave me an xylophone for Christmas too. It is supposed to be for something for my classroom, but I started playing music on it the other day. It was so fun!

- Christmas service at the Rock church. I just felt at peace singing to the music. There is a lot of stuff in my head most of the time, but there my soul was shining through.

- Santa Jello Desserts - I like jello. It was fun to make them, even if they didn't end up looking like Santa.

- I can make a good hors-d'oeurve! I am not good at appetizers and party food, but I went to a party last week that served these really good cheese/bread things. I asked how to make them and they were SO easy!!! I am excited to be able to make something "fancy" for a future party.

Music Monday- because I want to blog and don't know what to say

I like this song- it has been stuck with me this last week.

"God Gave Me You"

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
Gave me you

There’s more here than what we’re seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
And I’ll be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.

My Soul is Found on the Road to Arizona

I just took a quick trip to my hometowns of Taylor/Snowflake, Arizona for a friend's funeral. I drove down myself, in my Mustang, and it took all of about 40 minutes for me to realize that the drive down brings out my memories of soul forming events and people.

If you want to get to know me- the whole me- the good, the bad, the past, the present, the secret, the obvious- all you have to do is take a 10 hour road trip (yes parents- it should only take 10 hours!) to a small town in the White Mountains of Arizona- and let me talk.

If you ride with me, I probably won't start talking until Nephi- and in Nephi I'll tell you about that certain boy that was around as I was figuring out my views on men and love. He was my first heart ache.

A little passed Nephi, I point out a sign for Scipio. I'll tell you about the woman I knew in college from that town, and how she was an incredible lady. But, what formed my soul more than her was the job that led me to her- a job where I met and worked with angels on earth, and was given the amazing opportunity to help them on their journey.

As the road gets empty, I might tell you about the many road trips I've taken in my life- my trips with Whitney where I learned to love the road- my trips with CJ where we laughed way too much- my first trip with Andy when I realized that we really could rely on each other- my trip with just my dad- and my trip with just my mom. I learned so much more about these people as I journeyed with them- and in turn, those relationships shaped me into the woman you know.

I might tell you about my other travels- in airplanes. You'll hear about the STOP program, and the moment I realized I wanted to be a speech & debate teacher. You'll hear about my favorite airports and my love for the business of them. You'll hear about the day I realized I no longer wanted to travel for a living, but only for vacation, and how I cried at the realization as I walked through a random hotel.

When we get to Flagstaff and the Grand Canyon area, I'll tell you about Girl Scouts and how it changed my life. I'll tell you about Dody and Joyce, and how their simple decision set me on a path of holding multiple offices in multiple clubs.

In Holbrook I'll tell you about my family- and the family parties that we had during my younger years. I'll tell you about my cousins, aunts, and uncles. I'll tell you about poker and my grandparents back bedroom where we spent hours playing make believe.

Pulling in to Snowflake, you'll hear about my junior high years- as I spent them on the streets of Snowflake- rollerblading and walking the sidewalks. I'll tell you about my friends that I met there, and their families that still live there. I'll tell you about Misti, Roger, Greg, Jeremy, Justin, Jared...

I'll take you on a detour and we'll pass the Carousel PreSchool, and I'll tell you about Pat- the woman who in one conversation changed the course of my life. We'll also drive by the district office, where I spent hours in the GT program. I'll tell you about Mr. Evans, and how his belief in us got us to Disneyworld without him a year later.

By  that point, I'll have to tell you about Disneyland and Disneyworld with my family. You will come to understand my love for Disney parks, once you understand those trips.

By then, we will be at my house- the house I grew up in- and I'll tell you about tree forts, bike rides, and night games. I'll tell you about trees that are no longer there, but that flew me to the moon and Mars. I'll tell you about finding horny toads and lizards, rock climbing, and sledding. We'll drive by my first best friend's house, and I'll tell you about our adventures with the law. I'll tell you about the neighbors, Britt, Jess and others.

We'll drive by the fire department, and you will learn about my love of fireworks, and my deep respect for fire fighters.

As we drive by the junior high, intermediate and elementary schools, you'll learn of my hero worship for my teachers. I'll tell you that I was born to be a teacher- and nothing else was ever seriously considered. You'll hear of my love of story writing, reading, and math facts.

At some point, I'll tell you that this town is where I started to love running, which led to my membership of the cross- country team- which led to a picture of my crying on the front page of a newspaper in Utah. That team is the basis for my Utah friendships- friendships that are a deep part of me.

And, that will start me telling you about the other teams that changed my life and brought me life long friends. I'll talk about FCCLA, Key Club, and Mock Trial. And I'll tell you about JJ, and how his death is something I don't think I will ever fully recover from.

I'll show you the corner where I dodged what would have been my first kiss, and maybe I'll tell you about my first kiss. I'll tell you about the boy I sat next to on the hill, wishing he'd hold my hand and knowing that he couldn't. I'll tell you about my first three loves- and how they all took very different paths. I'll tell you about how I loved holding hands and about the first time I held Andy's.

I'll have to tell you about the moment I was humbled meeting one of those first love's mom years later, and having her ask me if I knew the "Richmond girl" who had meant so much to her son before he died- only to find out that girl was me. And that will lead me to tell you about the other humbling moment, when a teacher first told me what it meant to be a good person- not just a good student. I'll tell you about my obsession with that term.

We'll keep driving until we get to Shumway, and I'll tell you about my grandparents, mud forts, and the first time I felt that I had encountered evil. I'll show you the place where I dreamed of getting married, and tell you about my actual wedding 11 hours away.

I'll tell you about my heart ache, and how it changed me. I'll tell you about buying my Mustang, and finding my soul on a different trip to Arizona- and how I pulled over to dance in the pouring rain, and I'll pull us over, and make us twirl in the road- just as a show that Arizona trips in the Mustang are not complete without a show of childhood carefreeness.  :)

By then, it will be time to turn around... and you'll know far more about me than you even wanted to know.

Me at 19

As I was cleaning my room, (for Andy to come home!) I found my stack of letters to myself. I decided today was close enough to August, so I opened the letter that I wrote to myself at 19. Oddly, this letter speaks to me more than most of them do. I am not going to share the entire letter here, but moments of it-

I want a family. In 2011, I'll be 29. I hope I still love serving, and speaking. I really can't see myself- 29? How am I? I want to be married and in love. Divorce is NEVER an option. I want to be having fun... 

This reaffirms my decision to keep trying with Andy. The attitude that marriage is worth fighting for is something I have always had- it has always been part of me- even when I was single at age 19.

For 4 years in high school I fought to do everything. I was driving constantly- to show my parents I could, to prove Non-LDS could, to prove the 'new girl' could- to have it all. That all drove me- my dreams and goals drove me. And, I reached them all. I'm at school on scholarship- but now what?
 What drives me now? No one says I can't have it all. 

I still feel this way sometimes- that if I don't have a goal driving me I am a little bit lost. I just finished another endorsement program, and honestly, until I get my Masters Degree, my education has hit a ceiling. Part of me wants to get that degree right now, but their is a voice in me saying to hold off. I want to take time to be driven just by my own desires and feelings- not for the desire to get another thing checked off my list.

My parents love Andy so "he'll never stop your dreams." Andy supports me- there's nothing I have to prove. 

There was a time when I didn't feel like I had to choose between my family and Andy. I know eventually I won't have to anymore.

I want to teach. I have so many ideas. I want learning to be exciting and though provoking. I want these kids to build themselves in more than speaking and grammar. Yup- I want to have a communication teaching and English teaching major. I want to graduate WSU and teach. 

I reached this goal. I accomplished what I wanted so badly- years before it actually happened. I never changed majors or career paths in college, something rare according to statistics. I always knew this, and I love reading this reminder that I can absolutely do anything I set my mind to do.

Did I continue to serve others? That's my passion today- serving others- did it die out? What could replace the joy of helping a child or making a scared face smile?

This passion has never died out, though the commitment to it did. That is one regret that I have- I don't volunteer as much as I would like. Granted, I used to volunteer in schools, and now I work in one- but it is the helping others that I miss. I want this part of me back.

I do know I'll be okay. I have that fire in me, that strength that will never burn out or wear down. I will be okay. 

I will be ok.  

Rings & Boxes

Andy started wearing his wedding ring again early last week. Seeing it on his finger just made me happy. Every time I have seen him in the last two weeks, I just want to rub his ring finger and touch the ring.

He took it out from where it was kept awhile ago, and he's been carrying it in his pockets for a couple of months now. Him doing that made me happy, but seeing him slip it on to his finger makes me heart, mind, and soul align in a moment of joy and contentment.

I took my ring out of my cedar chest two months ago- and put the box on my night stand. (No, I never got rid of it. I tucked it away a year ago, certain eventually I would know what to do with it. I'm glad I didn't get rid of it.)

Side note- a few months ago I was in an apartment and found another woman's wedding ring left behind in the medicine cabinet. It broke my heart to know the a symbol of something so sacred was on a shelf next to old toothpaste and expired medication. 

Back to the more important ring- mine. It sat on my night stand, and I would look at it before going to bed. I took it to Europe with me, not wanting to leave it behind.

I have been wanting to wear it again, but wasn't sure when. I assumed it would be an odd feeling, or an overwhelming feeling. This last Sunday morning I put it on for the first time in over a year. And it was just- normal. It seemed like it had been there all along. There was no overwhelming emotion either positive or negative- it just felt like the ring was where it belonged. 

The first time Andy saw it on- he had to rub my finger just like I do his.  :)

Two months ago we decided Andy would move home at the end of July. Tonight, Andy started carrying his boxes into the house. In fact, there is a huge pile of boxes in our living room right now, and it has given me perma grin. All of my worries faded when the first box was set down on my living room floor. His things belong here, with him and me.

Andy is moving home.

I picked up a first box to help him unload the car, and then I was overwhelmed with excitement and joy. I was carrying in Andy's things- and we are making this house OUR home again. We couldn't unload fast enough for me- and I just want to start unpacking the boxes!!!

Andy isn't completely moved home yet. He has more boxes to pack and a few more car loads to bring down. But, considering our journey to get him home started over ten months ago, two more days is nothing.

I sit and stare at my ring and these boxes, and I just feel peace.

The Whole Truth of Europe

Last summer, after Andy left, I pulled out my bucket list, and I vowed to check things off. My first promise to myself was to go to Europe in a summer. Andy and I had planned the trip before, but just never actually committed to going- and I was determined to put if off no longer. 

As things have turned out, Andy came back, and we went to Europe together. We went on the trip that I had been planning all year (Thanks Andy!) and added a few days to visit Scotland for him.

The trip ended up being more than just checking things off a bucket list- more than just a dream come true. I was living in a fantasy land where every day was full of moments of pure happiness. I visited in the Vatican and was serenaded while drinking wine at a candle lit table. I walked the streets of Pompeii and drank Champagne in the land it was named after. I heard the bells of Notre Dame and saw the Aphrodite and Mona Lisa. I looked off the tower of a castle, and another castle, and another. I felt the breeze of Stonehenge and road a boat on a Scotland loch. I saw Wicked in London, and walked the rooftops of Paris.

I checked things off my bucket list that I didn't even know belonged on it. Every time we went out walking- it was a "happiness" walk. Just walking the streets and seeing buildings older than our country made me smile.

Having Andy with me was an incredible bonus to the whole thing. It was fun making decisions together, and relying on each other to figure things out. He is much better with a map than I am, but I am much more comfortable navigating through an airport. He is more adventurous with food, but I keep track of the schedule. He is the amazing photographer, but I take awesome photos of him. He reminded me to not worry so much, and I made sure we made it to the plane on time. We put it all out there every day- we were determined to enjoy every tour, to find the good in every city, and to soak in all we could.

We were living in a fantasy world, and I was really sad to leave it. I think one of my favorite moments was when Andy told me he could get used to "this traveling thing."  I would love to live in this fantasy world again.

Why do I Care?

i am sitting at a film set- helping when i can. i used to fit in here. i used to film normal here. over the past year i have missed being part of this like i used to be. but i am back now, and i am excited to be here again.

i can't wait for andy to actually pick up the camera and start filming. he is so happy when a camera is in his hand, and i love to watch it and have missed it.

not to mention, my birthday is in a few hours and i leave for europe in the morning. i am so excited and happy with my life at this one moment. i am happy.

side note... nothing is capitalized because i am on my phone and it will not let me make caps. driving me crazy as an english teacher.

but, my real point is, with all this goodness, why do i care that there is a person on set who is treating me like shit. he came inhating me, and continues to just be rude. i have never met this person before tonight, but he is rude and it is personal. why do i care/

A Song from my Walk

I turned on my Pandora radio while I was out walking tonight. This song by OneRepublic came on, and I think it is completely fitting for today. 


"Come Home"

[Verse 1]
Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh

[Verse 2]
I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Oh

[Interlude]
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home

Happiness Walk 5-22-11

I walked for almost an hour today. I'd only planned on being gone 20-30 minutes, but it was so nice I just kept walking. These are the things I found that made me happy-

1. An old wooden well in someone's front yard
2. A row of dark pink tulips lining a sidewalk
3. Slug bugs- three of them to be exact
4. A row of pine trees at an elementary school
5. Fresh cut grass in every other yard
6. Two HUGE dogs running down the same street in opposite directions
7. Swings! I even took time out to play.
8. Dark clouds and a light drizzle- it was the perfect amount of rain for a spring walk
9. My new walking shoes feel good on my left foot, and I think I finally got the tension right on my right foot
10. Myself- I was just happy and carefree and full of hope and joy

Thanks Friend- My ABC's

I totally stole this from a friend, and I am not ashamed. 

A. Age: 28- in less than a month I'll be 29
B. Bed Size: Queen
C. Chore you hate: Does getting gas count as a chore? I HATE getting gas- and it has nothing to do with the price. I hate the physical act of pumping gas- I feel like it is a waste of good time.
D. Day: I generally like Thursdays.
E. Essential Start to your Day: Contacts go in my eyes before I do anything else!
F. Favorite Color: Blue- all shades, and purple.
G. Gold or Silver: Silver-but gold is really growing on me
H. Height: 5'6.5''
I. Instrument: TECHNICALLY- I can play piano and violin. Never got good at the piano, and I can't tune my own violin. My orchestra teacher referred to me as a trained monkey with no pitch. So... I will stick to my car drumming.
J. Job Title: Which job? I am a debate/English/yearbook teacher, English CTL, VHMS Data Specialist, and Alpine District Elementary GT Testing Coordinator
K. Kids:  Make up much of my life- I teach 200 hundred of them.
L. Live: in a small city that is too big for me. I miss borders around my town.
M. Mom's name: Mary
N. Nicknames: James, Jama, JPDuck, Jemima, Jamie Joe, Sister Sue, Jamalou, and I was once called Jalopy, but that was never repeated.
O. Overnight hospital stays: Never- except as a newborn.
P. Pet Peeves: Slow kids in the hallway
Q. Quote from a Movie: Love lots of them- but the most recent favorite is about a couple starting out on a new phase of their relationship, which I relate to, so that may be why I think this is funny- something like-
"I think I am going to start peeing with the door open."
"I think no."
"I'm going to do it all the time. This is going to get weird."
R. Right or left handed: Right
S. Siblings: 2- a brother and sister-
T. Time I wake up: about 6:20 lately, but once testing is over I hope to sleep another twenty minutes.
U. Underwear: what about it? Yes? No? Color- blue.
V. Veggie you dislike: Don't even know the name, but it was gross!
W. What makes you run late: kids....aways slow to get ready.
X. X-rays you've had: Only my lungs as far as I can remember- and teeth
Y. Yummy food you make: My manicotti and lasagna are pretty good
Z. Zoo: Love zoos- and my favorite experience ever was seeing the panda in San Diego. It was cute and magical and totally fulfilled my dream of seeing of a panda.

The Stats that Kids Shouldn't Know?

1. In the 2006-2007 school year, there were 1.7 million nonfatal crimes committed at school, ranging from assault to theft.
2. Nearly a third of American students reported a prevalence of drugs and gangs in their schools in 2010.
3. 1 in 12 teens in high school are injured or threatened with a weapon each year.
4. 77% of students are bullied mentally, verbally, or physically.
5. Young people who bully are more likely to smoke, drink alcohol, and get into fights.
6. Middle school students are more than twice as likely as high school students to be affected by school violence.
7. About 8% of eighth graders stay home at least once a month to avoid a bully.
8. Revenge is the strongest motivation for school shootings.
9. During the 2009-2010 school year, there were 11 deaths due to school violence.
10. Nearly 50% of homicide perpetrators gave some type of warning signal, including making a threat or leaving a note, prior to the event.
11. Most school-associated violent deaths occur during transition times – before and after the school day and during lunch.

Sources:

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

Constitutional Rights Foundation

US Department of Justice

Love the Puppies

With the situation with Lady, I am more focused on my dogs at the moment. And, it may be wrong to laugh at them... but they are just funny.

I have to give Lady two pills, twice a day. And in order to this, I have to put them in peanut butter, which Lady and Jackie both LOVE! Well, to keep myself from being covered in peanut butter or from killing Jackie- I choose to separate the dogs while I give Lady her pills. Then, I give Jackie some peanut butter just because I don't want her to feel unloved.

So, twice a day I convince Lady to come in the kitchen, and after a bit of confusion and sometimes collar pulling- I lock the dog gate, which keeps Jackie out. Since Monday, my dogs have given me the SADDEST looks as I split them up. Jackie whimpers at the gate. Lady tucks her tail and ears like she's being punished and crawls to me in the kitchen. They HATE being split up! (They start wagging their tails once I give the treat, and Jackie is the most excited dog ever when I open the gate.)

But, I think they have caught on. I didn't have to fight them today to separate them. Lady came in the kitchen, tail wagging. Jackie sat at the gate while I closed it- tail wagging.

I guess peanut butter is worth the agony of being apart...

Music Monday- One Day Late

I once got into an argument with someone about my definition of perfect. He believed giving out "perfect" roses was the best thing he could do to impress girls. "Perfect" roses have no thorns. I told him that a thornless rose was not perfect- it lacked character, risk, and strength.  Not to mention- they are scientifically altered and fake.

He told me I was afraid of perfection.

But I don't think I am afraid of perfection- I just believe that the only real perfection is the amazing things outweighing the negatives things. I love roses because they are so beautiful, I don't notice the thorns. True love sees so many good things, it doesn't notice the bad ones.

I heard this song on the way home from my church group tonight, and I was feeling so good! I go to group and realize all the good things about myself, and I feel like my flaws don't really matter. So, here is my song for the night- dedicated to my perfect friends!

Perfect- by Sara Evans

If you don't take me to Paris
On a lover's getaway
It's all right, it's all right
If I'd rather wear your t-shirt
Than a sexy negligee
It's all right, it's all right
Every dinner doesn't have to be candlelit
It's kinda nice to know that it doesn't have to be

Perfect
Baby every little piece
Of the puzzle doesn't always fit
Perfectly
Love can be rough around the edges
tattered at the seams
But honey if it's good enough for you
It's good enough for me

If your mother doesn't like
The way I treat her baby boy
It's all right, it's all right
If in every wedding picture
My daddy looks annoyed
It's all right, it's all right
Don't you know that all the fairy tales tell a lie
Real love and real life doesn't have to be

Perfect
Baby every little piece
Of the puzzle doesn't always fit
Perfectly
Love can be rough around the edges
tattered at the seams
But honey if it's good enough for you
It's good enough for me

You don't mind if I show up late for everything
And when you lose your cool it's kinda cute to me
Ain't it nice to know that we don't have to be

Perfect
Baby every little piece
Of the puzzle doesn't always fit
Perfectly
Love can be rough around the edges
tattered at the seams
But honey if it's good enough for you
It's good enough for me

It's good enough for me (perfect)
Yeah good enough for me (perfect)
Good enough for me (perfect)

25 Manners Every Kid Should Know By Age Nine

Parents- I wish some of my junior high students knew these basic rules. Students constantly interrupting when I am helping another student? It doesn't get them the help they need any faster. It actually distracts me and makes me take even longer. Kids leave phone messages and send emails- without telling me their name. It makes it a little difficult to answer their questions. Oh, and the bullying that happens to other kids? And students who wonder why we pull them aside to talk to them after they yell rude things about us?

As a teacher, I notice when students tell me thank you. I notice when they ask politely for me to check on their grades. I notice when kids hold the door open for others or offer to help pass out papers.

Isn't better for me to notice your kid for being nice than for being disruptive?

Manners people. What do they hurt?

Helping your child master these simple rules of etiquette will get him noticed -- for all the right reasons.
By David Lowry, Ph.D.

Your child's rude 'tude isn't always intentional. Sometimes kids just don't realize it's impolite to interrupt, pick their nose, or loudly observe that the lady walking in front of them has a large behind. And in the hustle and bustle of daily life, busy moms and dads don't always have the time to focus on etiquette. But if you reinforce these 25 must-do manners, you'll raise a polite, kind, well-liked child.-

Manner #1
When asking for something, say "Please."

Manner #2
When receiving something, say "Thank you."

Manner #3
Do not interrupt grown-ups who are speaking with each other unless there is an emergency. They will notice you and respond when they are finished talking.
Manner #4
If you do need to get somebody's attention right away, the phrase "excuse me" is the most polite way for you to enter the conversation.
Manner #5
When you have any doubt about doing something, ask permission first. It can save you from many hours of grief later.
Manner #6 The world is not interested in what you dislike. Keep negative opinions to yourself, or between you and your friends, and out of earshot of adults.
Manner #7 Do not comment on other people's physical characteristics unless, of course, it's to compliment them, which is always welcome.

Manner #8 When people ask you how you are, tell them and then ask them how they are.
Manner #9
When you have spent time at your friend's house, remember to thank his or her parents for having you over and for the good time you had.
Manner #10 Knock on closed doors -- and wait to see if there's a response -- before entering.
Manner #11 When you make a phone call, introduce yourself first and then ask if you can speak with the person you are calling.
Manner #12 Be appreciative and say "thank you" for any gift you receive. In the age of e-mail, a handwritten thank-you note can have a powerful effect.

Manner #13 Never use foul language in front of adults. Grown-ups already know all those words, and they find them boring and unpleasant.
Manner #14
Don't call people mean names.
Manner #15 Do not make fun of anyone for any reason. Teasing shows others you are weak, and ganging up on someone else is cruel.

Manner #16 Even if a play or an assembly is boring, sit through it quietly and pretend that you are interested. The performers and presenters are doing their best.
Manner #17 If you bump into somebody, immediately say "Excuse me."

Manner #18 Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze, and don't pick your nose in public.

Manner #19
As you walk through a door, look to see if you can hold it open for someone else.
Manner #20 If you come across a parent, a teacher, or a neighbor working on something, ask if you can help. If they say "yes," do so -- you may learn something new.
Manner #21 When an adult asks you for a favor, do it without grumbling and with a smile.

Manner #22 When someone helps you, say "thank you." That person will likely want to help you again. This is especially true with teachers!
Manner #23 Use eating utensils properly. If you are unsure how to do so, ask your parents to teach you or watch what adults do.

Manner #24
Keep a napkin on your lap; use it to wipe your mouth when necessary.
Manner #25
Don't reach for things at the table; ask to have them passed.

Lady

I realized several years ago that eventually, I would have to face this situation with our dog, Lady. She is getting older, a little slower, and I've know that eventually we would have to face the fact that she is dying.

I just never really prepared myself to actually face that fact.

Lady is a lab chow mix- and the smartest dog I have ever seen. She pretends to sleep when we ask her to get down off a bed or a couch. She climbs trees to get out of our yard. She responds to words- no matter the emotion you use.

I don't care what anyone says- Lady has and shows emotions. She smiles when she is happy and her eyes light up when she is excited. I don't even have to look at her tail- her face tells me when she scared or sad. Her tail being tucked doesn"t hurt either.

This wonderful dog won't be with us much longer. A tumor broke open in her mouth in March, and we had it surgically removed. The vte had it tested and told us that it was cancerous. He explained that it would eventually come back, but that he couldn't predict if would be a few months or five years.

Turns out, it was two months. Lady has been slowing down a little, and sleeping more. Andy felt a lump in her throat the other day, which is a symptom that the cancer had reached her lymph system. When Andy came last night he looked in her mouth and saw the tumor again. As he rubbed her belly, he felt even more lumps.

The cancer has spread quickly.

Andy took her to the vet today, and essentially, she only has a few months at most. The vet explained that Lady can take medication to control the swelling in her mouth, and to fight other infections, but there is not much that can be done for Lady. The medication will help her have a better quality of life, but the length of her life is still short. And, the vet said we can make the decision to put her to sleep whenever we feel she is done.

How do we know? How are we supposed to know when our dog is done? If she was lying around all day looking miserable, it would be a simple answer- but she isn't. She still greets me at my door when I get home. She still wags her tail and wants to play. When we go to the park, she runs around. Sure, she is a little slower and doesn't last as long as she used to, but she still plays.

How do I know what to do and when? Do I put her to sleep? Do I just let her go on her own?

I pray that she doesn't suffer, and that I am guided to do the right thing for her.

It makes me sad. I know she is a dog, and I know that there are far more painful things that happen to people every day- but I am sad.

Friday!

So, on Wednesday, I was reminding my English students that their final project was due on Friday (today). I kept saying FRIDAY with emphasis. Your project is due FRIDAY. Bring your project on FRIDAY. Email it to me by FRIDAY.

Finally a student said, "You sound like that annoying Friday song."  I just laughed. I'd never heard the song.

I went to class that afternoon. And people were talking about the annoying Friday song. This morning teachers in the hall were talking about the annoying Friday song. It was playing in the main halls, but I couldn't hear it. At lunch, the conversation was about how annoying it was to hear.

I still haven't actually heard it when I could understand it, but it makes me smile.

Friday-

(Yeah, Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ark)
Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Seven a.m., waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein' everything, the time is goin'
Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)

Kickin' in the front seat
Sittin' in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend

7:45, we're drivin' on the highway
Cruisin' so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right, ay
I got this, you got this
Now you know it

Kickin' in the front seat
Sittin' in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/friday-lyrics-rebecca-black.html ]


Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin')
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after ... wards
I don't want this weekend to end

R-B, Rebecca Black
So chillin' in the front seat (In the front seat)
In the back seat (In the back seat)
I'm drivin', cruisin' (Yeah, yeah)
Fast lanes, switchin' lanes
Wit' a car up on my side (Woo!)
(C'mon) Passin' by is a school bus in front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream
Check my time, it's Friday, it's a weekend
We gonna have fun, c'mon, c'mon, y'all

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend

My "New" Blog

I needed something to do daily- to keep my focused and grounded. I started this one a day blog- just for fun.

I hit two weeks today, so I decided it was time to share.

One a Day

I almost fainted- right then and there

I had a meeting with my principal today to discuss the English department assignments for next year. Basically, we look at the master schedule and determine who is going to teach what subject- 8th grade, 7th grade, creative writing, reading, debate, etc.

I walked in and looked at the schedule board, and they had taken GT English from me and given me creative writing instead. I TRANSFERRED to Vista to be a GT teacher! I have dreamed of being a GT teacher for 10 years, and they were taking it away to give me a class I've never taught before and other people in my department have REQUESTED it?  What???

I almost fainted right then and there.

Turns out it was just a mistake while putting the board together. My dream class is still mine.  :)

While I working on the schedule board, the counselor walked in and started discussing it with us. I got a little impatient and started moving classes around myself. Then, the color coding wasn't right so I started to rearrange things. The counselor said to the principal, "She thinks like we do..." and Steve replied, "I've noticed. She is moving things around like an administrator."  Considering that I would LOVE to be a principal someday, I was pretty excited that they noticed me acting like one.

I almost fainted right then and there.

This afternoon, I had a meeting with the woman in charge of the district GT program. My new district position is to coordinate the GT testing for all elementary schools in the district. We were talking and she was saying how she'd like to expand our pool of testing proctors and make sure more people know why it is important to do it right. She looked me in the eye, and just making a simple comment, said, "You never know Jamie. You may have my job when I retire in a few years." I've already written a blog about how I would like that job someday... I had to catch myself from getting too excited since I knew she wasn't offering.

But I almost fainted right then and there.

Music Monday

Well, it has been a couple of interesting days with my marriage situation. It is all good stuff- just interesting. After I left the school today, I stopped at the drive-thru at Arctic Circle for a drink. I get extremely bored in drive-thrus waiting for my order, so I was reading through the texts I received today. I read one from Andy and it occurred to me that if I had received this text two months ago- I would have had a totally different reaction. I would have been shaking, and my stomach would have knotted up. Today, it was really no big deal. I thought to myself, "Jamie- you are getting stronger. You are making progress."

And, what was the first song playing when I turned on my radio after I got my order? "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans. As I listened to it, I thought it was funny that I had just said that to myself, and I thought about posting it on my blog as my Music Monday topic. But, not all of the lyrics match my situation, and I didn't want people to think that I was trying to get over Andy (when in fact we're both working very hard on our marriage).

I decided to not post this song.

The song ended and a commercial came on, so I switched stations. A song on the new station was just finishing and the next song was NO JOKE- A LITTLE BIT STRONGER by Sara Evans.

I decided I was meant to post this song today.

I first heard it when my cousin sent it to me last summer when I was getting stronger each day after Andy moved out. It meant a lot to me that she would think of me. I feel better hearing it, even if the lyrics don't match my life exactly anymore.

Here it is- A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

My Imperfections

I decided almost nine months ago to paint my kitchen green. Now that wouldn't seem like a big deal, except that I have never lived in a place that had anything other than a white kitchen. In fact, in my whole life, I only remember living in one room that was painted anything other than white- and that is my current bedroom with its pink walls. (Granted...as a child I lived in a room with brown paneling, but it wasn't painted...)

Last weekend, I finally decided to actually do the painting. I took the samples off the wall and headed to the store. I bought the green paint I've been planning on buying for the last three months. I was so excited as I moved all the kitchen appliances and started painting.

Coat one looked absolutely awful. Coat two... two walls were ok but the last wall still wasn't working for me. After weighing my options, I decided it would look better if the green wasn't paired with the whitish color already on the wall.

I headed back to the store and picked out a tan color. And I painted the rest of the room tan, hoping it would calm down the ugly green color. It didn't really help, and I went to sleep feeling like the kitchen I'd been planning for months had turned into a nightmare.

The next day it didn't look better. I was really upset about my ugly kitchen actually. And, at the same time, I knew being upset over ugly paint was stupid. I knew if I really hated it I could just repaint it, but at the same time I felt like I had failed in some way.

I mentioned this to Andy, and what he said made me think a lot about myself. He told me that I worry so much when I mess up little things because I am good at doing big things. But, he said it would be good for me to learn to embrace the mistakes I make- and take more chances on the little things- because the little things are part of me too.

And I thought about this... I do restrain myself from taking chances on the little things in life because I fear not being perfect at them.When I do something new or different, I worry about it way too much. I like knowing I am good at something. But at the same time- that isn't the person I want to be. I want to be someone willing to try little things- so I figure it is time for me to actually act like that person. 

Fortunately for me, Andy and I had this conversation when I was out of town for two days. That meant two days of NOT seeing my ugly kitchen. When I got home, I was determined to look at it for what it was- not judging it by 100% perfect or 100% awful.

And truthfully, it has grown on me quickly in the last two days. I finally found a way to create the border I'd been picturing in my head, and it was actually fun to make. The color had dried to a calmer shade of green, and once I finally hung my curtains back up it really changed the color to one I like.

Then, after putting up the border, I realized I had extra vinyl and a large green space on the wall that needed something. I've always wanted to put a large quote on my wall, but again... never dared. But, I read one today that I liked, and my Crickut was already set up, and the vinyl was already out... and the quote is now on the wall.

I love my new kitchen actually. And though I am worried that Andy is going to see it and hate it... I realize that if the time comes for him to move home, and he hates it... we'll just change it. But until then, it is mine.  :)

More than that, I have a new conviction to take risks on the little things in life that don't matter. Even if they don't work out, at least I'll have fun trying.

Update on my recent life...

This blog was supposed to be me tracking my soul's voice... and I have hardly blogged at all lately.

What does that say about my soul?  Yup, it pretty much went silent during the month of March because life is just so hectic. But, there were some things that made me happy- either mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. 

1. I was blessed to be given a new job! I love working the testing sessions for the district gifted program. It is structured, precise, and something that challenges me. They have asked me to actually be in charge of all testing for elementary students next year. I get to hire/train proctors and organize the test session itself. I am so excited!


2. I get to be a mentor again next year. I'm not sure that I've helped Natalie much, but it feels so good to be given the opportunity to mentor a new teacher. They've asked me to do it again next year with another new teacher. I am just so thrilled for this chance.

3. George and Reba- April 2. Going to this concert just made me happy. I went with Kim, and it was just fun. We talked as much as we watched but it sure was fun. I even forgive her for liking one of Reba's worst songs!!!! But, part of what made it so awesome was knowing my folks were in the audience too. I am so glad they were able to see it, and they both sure seemed to enjoy it. I wish we could have talked about it longer, but we had to mad dash it to our car in the pouring rain. And we got soaked, which also made my soul happy.

4. Re-Arranging/Painting- I feel like I have a new house. In December I was able to completely redecorate my bathroom thanks to my family getting me everything I needed for Christmas. This last weekend I rearranged two rooms in my house, and it is just refreshing! I painted the kitchen too, and though I hated it for several days, now that it is really dry- it has grown on me.  I'm actually going to finish it after this blog.

5. Girls Night/Day- Let's see- the scrapbook expo with my mom was a blast. We didn't get mobbed like they did last year, but we had fun making the loop and buying way too much paper. Denny's with old friends- yup there were six teachers, and we all stayed up way past our bedtimes. But that is what happens when you get five old friends and a new friend together. Tale of Two Cities with CJ- just so fun! I already wrote about the play, but hanging with my sister is nothing short of amazing. The concert with Kim- again, so much fun! And finally, church girl's night was uplifting. I've never been in a group where I knew the girls better than the guys, but it is nice.

6. Volcanoes! I got to teach the last two Saturdays of March, and part of my lesson involved erupting a volcano, or rather letting a bunch of kids erupt their own. I've never heard so much excitement! The last class got to do it four times because we were using up the vinegar- and their last screams were as loud as the first.   :)

7. Tickets- I have tickets to Europe. I am going to Rome, Paris, London, and Edinburgh. It is like a dream come true that it still unbelievable. Andy is coming too, which makes me even more excited. Things are good between us, and I can't wait to get on the plane with him. Exciting parts of the trip include multiple castles, Stonehenge, and seeing Wicked in London.  :) 

Despite all the craziness of the last month- it has been good for my soul. 

A Favorite Quote

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way." Charles Dickens- A Tale of Two Cities

I got to see the Tale of Two Cities- the musical- this last week, and I really enjoyed it. The set was amazing to watch, as I've never seen a stage move that much throughout a performance. I was intrigued by it actually...
The songs will not go down in history as anything magical or wonderful. They simply move the story along, but are difficult to relate to personally. I would never seen this play simply for the music.

I do however, love the story. I first heard it in 6th grade, and read it again in 10th. It fascinates me...

And I am so glad I got to see it. I was disappointed that these famous words are not the way the play opens, as they represent an important time of my life (junior year) but I will forgive the writer.

At least he ended it well...

"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known."

Why am I doing this...?

This blog has been on my mind to write for months now, and every time I start, I always end up giving up. So, here I sit again attempting to answer the question I have been asked so many times lately- by others, and by myself.

Why am I trying to work things out with Andy?

I know why people ask me. They are worried that I am going back to Andy for the wrong reasons. They are worried I will get hurt again, and that I don't see what could happen.

I've searched my soul, and I am certain of my answers to their worries.

1. Are you afraid you'll end up alone, and don't want to risk it? Let's start with the worry with the longest, most complicated answer.
First, I never quite know what "fear" people are referring to.
Do they mean am I actually afraid of being alone? No- I am not. I can pay bills, take care of a home, accomplish things, and BE 100% HAPPY alone. There is nothing that I want in this life that I can't actually have on my own. If I am meant to live my life alone, then I will live a happy life alone. I've actually enjoyed my single life this past year.
Do they mean am I afraid no one else will want me?
I do not doubt that someone other than Andy can love me. When I thought we were headed to a divorce and he and Pamela were living together, I met other guys. I went on dates with them. We had great times, and I felt good about myself with them. I am not going to assume they liked me, but at least they wanted to see me again.
I am not choosing to work things out with Andy because I am afraid of being alone.

2. Do you feel like you owe it to him? I owe Andy nothing. I already gave all I had to him and more. I worked multiple jobs to put him in film school and to allow him to work part time in order to work on film projects. I've missed out activities and attended them alone while he edited movies. I forgave him once already. I treated him really good. Even after he decided to be with Pamela, I was good to him. I worked out a way for him to be able to afford his insurance, I let him pay what he owes me on his schedule, and I helped him get the help he needed. I have been very nice to him.
I owe Andy nothing.

3. Did your church say you can't get a divorce? My church gave me the go ahead to not only divorce him immediately, but promised to help in anyway they could if that was my decision, and even hinted that were some great men in the congregation that I could be introduced to, if I wanted. Biblically speaking, Andy has given me a justifiable reason to divorce him. Don't get me wrong, my church leaders are thrilled that we are trying to work it out, but they have not pressured me to do it. Yes, I admit, I hate the idea of divorce. I made vows before God and I actually meant them, but God has assured me I can be released from those promises without guilt, so that is not stopping me from filing papers.
My church did not stop me from my divorce.

4. Are you doing this for other people? Absolutely not. There is no one I have talked to that hasn't said they would support me 100% in leaving him. I have more people encourage me to divorce him than to stay with him, including a few people supporting us staying together who think I should divorce him first and remarry him so our vows mean something again. (They do have the most convincing argument for a divorce, but I am hoping a vow renewal is in my future...)  When Andy and I split, I don't feel that I lost anyone. Friends and family have been wonderful to me- even his parents- and I don't fear losing relationships if we don't get back together.
I am doing this only for me, and no one else.

5. Is it hard financially on your own? Haha...hahahaha....hahahahahahahahaha! No. I am not saying I make a million dollars, but I am perfectly fine financially. The Lord blessed me with money smarts, and unless I choose to put something on a credit card, the only debt I have is a house and my Mustang. I budget myself several times a week... for the next several months. (I'm a little budget obsessed.) Before I make a large purchase, I have to figure out how it will effect me financially for the next year. Excel and I are best friends sometimes. Do I run low on funds? Yes. Do I worry about gas prices? Yes. Do I need Andy to pay my bills and to buy food?  No.
I can financially take care of myself.

6.  Are you just trying to beat the mistress? Nope, sorry.  This isn't a game. This isn't high school. This is an adult situation that requires putting aside pride and being honest with myself. When I let Andy walk out of my house, I knew he could be walking to another woman, and I vowed to respect that. The day I actually learned they were going to attempt a relationship, I canceled my date with him because it was wrong. I never went after Andy trying to get him back. I never wrote him messages begging him to choose me. I didn't force myself into his life and home. I respected their relationship and let 'us' go. I was his friend. I actually encouraged their relationship and tried to help Andy feel better about it on multiple occasions. Despite the message I was sent saying, "You win," it was never a competition. I honestly wanted Andy to be happy, and never deliberately did anything to hurt what I thought was making him happy.
I care about Andy, not beating a mistress I've never met.

So, then, why am I working things out with Andy? Why am I trying? I have done so much soul searching in an attempt to find the answer... an answer that people would understand.
And the only answer I can really come up with is just so simple.
I want to. 
I want to be with this man.
I want to be part of his future, and I want him to be part of mine.
I love him, and I want a marriage with him.

I know it doesn't seem like much of a reason, but it is the only reason I have. 
And, it is good enough for me. 

What's Your Therapy?

We all have bad days. We have days when we are stressed or sad or angry. There are SO many ways to treat ourselves. Here a few. Please add to the list.

1. Retail Therapy: go shopping and buy things that make you feel good. Positives:  you get new things. Risks: you may spend money you don't have, and you may find nothing which leads you feeling worse

2. Manual Labor Therapy: (moving furniture, deep cleaning, yard work): do something that takes above average physical energy. Positives: you often end up crossing things off of your to-do list, physical exertion increases endorphines  Risks: you may be sore in the morning

3. Alcohol Therapy:  drink alcohol. Positives: you relax and things don't look so bad  Risks: hangover

4. Paint Therapy: (specifically created for myself) paint a room. Positives: your house gets a make-over and a refreshed feeling  Risks: it may end up very ugly, and you HAVE to redo it, which increases bad day

5. Chocolate Therapy: eat chocolate of any form  Positives: YOU ARE EATING CHOCOLATE! Risks: chocolate is not actually good for you  (Note: you can substitute any favorite treat, and it works the same)

6. Walking: get out and walk around the blocking looking at wonderful things  Positives: endorphins, health, seeing beautiful things   Risks: you may trip on a crack and fall and break your back...  :) 

7. Cruising Therapy: get in the car and drive; turn on the radio and sing  Positives: things always look better in new surroundings, music only makes things better.  Risks: gas prices are WAY too high

8. Child Therapy: spend time with a young child; play with them  Positives: laughter, imaginary worlds  Risks: child could throw a tantrum, cry, leak fluids, etc.   (This works the same way with pets- they play well too.)

9. Book Therapy: curl up and read a good book  Positives: imaginary places, escape your own life   Risks: paper cuts?

10. Gal Therapy: spend time with the girls eating, talking, crafting- girl things  Positives: laughter, sympathetic ears, inspiration  Risks: watch your budget

What I wish I'd read last summer...

Last summer, after Andrew moved out, so many friends called and wrote to say, "if you need me, let me know." I know that every one of those messages was sent with such a sincere intention behind it- but I struggled to pick up the phone, even when I did need someone. 

I wish I had read this article then- maybe I would have gotten the courage one night to email it my friends and family, so they would have known how to help me. 

Don't get me wrong- my friends and family made a huge difference for me last summer and this fall (and still...).  But so many people made the comment that they wished they could do more, but didn't know what I needed. The truth is, I didn't know what I needed either. 

This article explains most of it pretty well.

I am better now than I was last summer and fall. I am NOT sharing this so that my friends know how to help me now. I am sharing this so if you know someone else going through divorce and heartache, we might all be better prepared to help them.

Editor's note: Stacy Morrison, author of "Falling Apart in One Piece: One Optimist's Journey Through the Hell of Divorce," is the former editor-in-chief of Redbook magazine.

(CNN) -- Friends always say "Whatever you need, call me." And they mean it. Trouble is, when you've been shattered, asking for any kind of help just reinforces the sense that you are a big, hot mess.
Plus, trying to come up with a way for your friends to get you past some of what you're feeling at the moment seems like an impossible task. Better to stay home alone again, right?
So why not e-mail this article to all your friends instead? It will make it easier for them to get in the driver's seat in helping you get through these hard months.
I NEED YOU TO: Call me up and say, "Hey! Let me take you out for margaritas on Friday!" And if I say no, promise you'll call again in a week or two and try again. Sometimes the last-minute plans work best. It's hard to put dates on the calendar to go out and have fun when you're living through so much heartbreak.
So pay attention to what night the kids (if there are any) are out with their other parent and call the day before. Chances are good I haven't made any plans, and you'll be saving me from another lonely night at home staring at the wall and wondering how I got here.
I NEED YOU TO: Send me stupid/cute/funny YouTube videos that I probably won't watch. But I'll be happy to know that someone is trying to keep me on the light side of things.
And someday when I'm scrolling through my in-box (maybe on a night I told you I wasn't up for going out for margaritas), I'll start watching the sneezing baby panda or the cat bowling or the always-good-for-a-laugh Justin Timberlake/Beyonce SNL skit.
And then I'll be so grateful for the distraction that was sent to me with love and friendship good intent instead of just mindlessly surfing the Web for shoes on sale for the 1,000th time.
I NEED YOU TO: Buy or cook me some healthy food that you know I like. It's not like I lost my arms when I lost my spouse, but for some reason, cooking dinner for myself just seems like a total waste of time, after I'd been so used to making meals for two for a decade. So dinner has rapidly devolved into things I can take from the freezer and heat and eat without too much attention or interest.
I want to be reminded that I actually do want to eat fresh tabbouleh salad and grilled salmon, but I need someone to put it in front of me! Help me make this first step toward starting to take care of myself again.
I NEED YOU TO: Send me a card, or three. Getting a piece of mail, even a dopey card, is a reminder that someone is thinking about the fact that I'm going through a hard time.
It feels especially good because I open the mail when I've come home after work, and I'm tired, and I'm entering a house that doesn't have a spouse, and I have to to put on a game face for my child, and then face the empty hours in the house alone after they've gone to bed.
The card in the mail is a guarantee for a little less self-loathing that night, company with no strings attached. Sounds good, right? Get thee to a card store, pronto!
I NEED YOU TO: Ask me to go for a walk, and ask again and again until I say yes.
Yes, I know that it's true that moving my body and getting my heart rate up has huge positive impact on mood, metabolism and mindspace. But sometimes it's all I can do to go to work and get home and collapse on the sofa.
So keep suggesting that you'll take a short, 15-minute walk with me: "It'll do you some good, and I promise we don't have to talk about anything if you don't want to." Do it until I say yes. I will say yes eventually, especially if it's nice out, and then I'll realize that (1) nature calms, (2) walking and not talking with someone you trust is healing, and (3) my body releases stress just by moving it without the specific intent of getting from Point A to Point B.
But one important tip: Do not turn this walk into interview time. "How are you? What's happening with the divorce? How are the kids?"
These questions are already on constant playback in my mind, and they don't have definite answers. What I desperately need is accepting, loving company and some empty space in my head. Thank you for helping me with that.
I NEED YOU TO: Come up with ideas of fun things to do with my/our kids.
Parenting is very overwhelming in the initial stages of a breakup, and the creativity of my parenting has dropped by about, oh, 98.5%, as I've been adjusting to doing everything on my own. (Yes, I might have already thought I was doing everything on my own before the breakup, but after the separation comes the brutal realization that having another body in the house is a huge help, no matter what they did or didn't do.)
So if you've just bought tickets to a Dan Zanes concert or are planning to go to the local science museum, pick up the phone and call me!
I do know that I should be filling those long weekend stretches of being a single parent with activities, but frankly, making advance plans is often more than I can handle.
So if I get a call from you on Saturday morning saying, "Hey, I'm taking the kids out for dim sum, want to join us?" I will probably shout "Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh God, thank you for saving me from another blank Saturday."

And the best part? I bet my child will get really tired from all the fun, and will go fast to sleep without a peep - - and then I'll enjoy my few hours of alone time that night feeling like I might be working out as a parent, after all.

Debate is good for my soul-

I am not really going to explain this whole thing- I just wanted to post my latest debate email. I didn't actually send it because I know it won't matter- but it felt good to write it.

Basically, this group is saying the ASD is using a flawed theory to guide our teaching practices. They have yet to say anything against the policy itself, but dislike the theorist who wrote it because he is an atheist and socialist. He says that the LDS church would not agree with this theory because it comes from a "bad apple." I found out today that BYU is actually teaching the theory!!!!  Hahahahahaha!

Dear Save Alpine School District

I quote your own letter-

"We have read about these dangers for years by our Founding Fathers, Christian leaders, prophets, even David O. McKay and Brigham Young and in scriptures. We’ve been warned repeatedly about the dangers of false educational ideas present in our educational institutions and the flattery of prominent men. ...

Because John Goodlad is an honored student of Dewey’s and shares the same belief system, it naturally falls that we should be careful of his teachings also....

I hope you take the time to read Boyd K. Packer’s The Snow-White Birds, a talk he gave to BYU administrators and staff in 1995. He warns instructors to be careful of these deceptive worldly philosophies because they harm the students greatly, even eternally.http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=10919"

End quote.

I sat in a BYU course today, and thought of this statement- made by you. I thought of it and LAUGHED! In a BYU course- (the school named after the Brigham Young you say we should follow) I was taught about John Goodlad's sound principals of the moral dimensions of teaching. You may say, that one teacher has it wrong. But this course was developed by a team of BYU teachers and administrators. The ONE theory that the ASD uses is also taught in a BYU course because it has valid use in the education world.

What part of his theory do you object to?
1. Nurturing Pedagogy- The part that says teachers should teach their kids in a way that is best for the child? 2. Equal Access- The part that says all students have a right to a good education?
3. Stewardship- How about the part that says the school is part of a larger community?
4. Teaching kids about society- Teaching the students how to function in our society?

Which part is so offensive to you?

Because, obviously, your idea that Brigham Young would object to John Goodlad entirely isn't valid anymore.

Status Updates for the Conference

7:34am Wow! That train came fast, and I LOVE being on Trax again. If I lived in SLC, I would ride the train as often as possible.

8:00am I have a principal who sits in the BACK row! On purpose! How awesome is that?


9:00am I am an expert on junior high English, and you want me to help kids be engineers? And you want me to build rockets? Um....


11:00am ALL KIDS DESERVE TO LEARN! HOW DARE YOU SAY GIFTED KIDS DON'T DESERVE A TEACHER'S ATTENTION. And those stats you just threw out- TOTALLY SLANTED AND I KNOW IT!


1:00pm Lunch of mayo covered tortilla and lettuce? No thanks, I'll starve.


3:15pm Never laughed so hard in a meeting. Never learned less in a meeting. Ok I lied... I did learn about the awkward turtle... and I am no good at it.


3:30pm Andy, you are late. Grrrrr.....


4:00pm Finally ! Something to drink. I'm excited for the movie to start.


6:00pm Costa Vida taco or quesadilla... I am starving!


8:00pm I love seeing my family! Even if it is a last minute invite. They are just fun.


7:30am On the train again...


9:00am I would LOVE to get paid 10 hours a week to meet with other teachers like they do in Asia... but that isn't our reality! And, you are wasting my time telling me it should be my reality. Talk to the people in charge please.


10:00am I LOVE brain research workshops. They are always the most fun, and remind me how to be a better teacher.


11:45am BRAIN OVERLOAD! Our school can do this! We should do this tomorrow! Oh, wait, that would be Saturday. And no school Monday! Crap! Tuesday it is...


1:00pm What a beautiful day! So glad we decided to walk to lunch.


2:45pm I think I want to be a principal- and then I'd have a say in making this stuff happen! I would be good at coordinating all of this stuff!


3:45pm I love riding trains. Maybe I will ride it to the end of the line... just because I can.


4:15pm It started! The bike started! I'll just go around the block...

4:40pm Oops! I forgot my license... I probably shouldn't be riding around on my bike.

Who am I?

I was talking with a girl in my class today, and she is very sick, overwhelmed, busy, stressed, and to sum it all up- tired.  I have to admit last week I felt much the same way, minus the kidney stones part. We got to talking about how even when we have good things happening in our lives, when new good things are added- we have to readjust ourselves to fit that new part in.

I have thought about this a lot lately- what roles do I play? Which role is my priority? Do I devote the time to filling the roles I believe are most important? Do I fulfill my roles completely, or just partially?

I think this thought process came about a few weeks ago, when I was feeling very overwhelmed with everything on my plate. I sat down and made an individual to-do list for major roles in my life- and I ended up with 9 different lists. And none of those lists include the relationship roles I play (sister, daughter, aunt, friend, spouse?)

Looking back, I remember sitting in a conference and being struck by the idea of what priority really means. If something truly is our priority, we should put more _______ to it than to other things. We should put our money towards our priorities or our time to our priorities.

And I am thinking I need to re-evaluate some of my roles in life.

I have always prided myself on being a student. But I realize, that in my being a student, it is taking time and energy away from more important roles to me. After this ELL class ends in May, I don't plan on taking another class for awhile. I will still learn, but I will learn by focusing on my neglected role- myself. I love to read and can learn a lot that way.

I don't know how to rearrange my other roles, but I am looking at it.

I want my relationship roles to be more important than my professional roles-

Being 'Single'

Before going any further into this blog, I want it to be clear- I am NOT technically single. I am still married. Andy and I are trying to reconcile our marriage and I am very much in that relationship. The end desire is for Andy to come home and for us to be a family again. I could list a thousand things I liked about married life, but I won't yet.

There are many things I miss about having Andy around. But, I vowed the day he moved out that I wasn't going to wallow over the things I no longer had- I was going to enjoy this new experience.

You see, over the last year, I have lived more 'single' than I have ever lived before. Even in college I had roommates- even if I never saw them. I always lived in places with strict rules about behavior. I once lived in the dorms where we had weekly chores and they were actually checked!


I am truly living single now. And, being single has its advantages- and today I am going to share them. If you remember your single life- add to the list. I know you readers love your hubbies and families and would never trade them- but single life does have perks.

 I think the best thing about being 'single' is that I have found out so much about myself. I am happy- and I realize that I am a happy person. I get stressed, I get angry, I get sad- but I really enjoy life.

And, these are the things that I love about being single-
1. My bathroom door is never closed anymore (and the lid is always down)
2. I can double dip anything I want!
3. I can donate money to any cause I want
4. Cheaper to travel- and I get to go anywhere I want, on my schedule
5.  I can eat tacos three nights in a row if I feel like it- and mac & cheese, or hotdogs, or pizza...
6. Speaking of pizza- the perfect pizza is easy on the sauce, stuff crust, extra cheese...
7. My favorite show can be watched over and over, and the DVR is always available to record my stuff
8. Bedtime- whenever I dang well please
9. The house is much cleaner because I know the mess is mine, and I don't mind cleaning up after myself
10. Pajamas all day? You bet. Pajamas right after school? Why not? I can wear anything I want... or don't want...
11. 'Budget' is a guideline only-
12. Midnight cruise up the canyon? Why not?  Four am Denny's? Sure.
13. Two words: temperature control
14.  My scrapbook stuff hasn't been put away in a month!
15. Want a new car? Which one... that one. :)

Finally! Saint George

Andy had a lot of fun playing with his camera the entire drive down. This was fine with me because I really wanted to drive! It was such a good drive down- just singing and driving, and pulling over at random exits to enjoy the sunset and stars. It was very refreshing to just get in the car and drive.

I don't know what photoshop work Andy did on these photos, but honestly- the colors were about this bright. We would 'awe' over them, and comment about how beautiful the clouds were. Andy would lean out the window and take a picture. He'd put his camera away, and five minutes later the cloud formation would change and we'd be in awe all over again. Back out the window he went...

I finally decided to pull over, so he could get better pictures without risking his life. It was such a beautiful evening. I had never been to St. George- but the drive itself in the evening would be worth going again.

I loved being able to go hiking the next morning- in just a sweatshirt and jeans. We had a picnic on some of the redrocks. I couldn't believe how blue the grass was there! Yes- I said blue.

Andy's required picture when he gets close to the edge of a rock. He can't help it. It is an addiction.

It was great to just be in the warm sun- I spun in circles enjoying the wonderful feeling.

Music on the Way Home

On the way home this morning, this song came on the radio, 

and it spoke to me. It reminds me to be compassionate, which 

is a goal I need to focus on right now. I have an easy time 

being compassionate toward people I know, but I struggle to 

be compassionate towards strangers. I thought this song 

gave me a good reason-

Again, as always, the bold words are the ones that speak to 

me the most- 

Bleed Red by Ronnie Dunn 

Let’s say were sorry, before it’s too late, give forgiveness 

a chance
Turn the anger into water; let it slip through our hands
We all bleed red, we all taste rain, 

all fall down, Lose our way, 
We all say words we regret, we all cry tears, we all bleed red

If we’re fighting, we’re both losing; 

we’re just wasting our time
Because my scars, they are your scars and your world is mine
You and I, we all bleed red, we all taste rain, all fall down, 

lose our way
We all say words, we regret, well cry tears, we all bleed red
Sometimes we’re strong, sometimes we’re weak, sometimes we’re 

hurt and it cuts deep
We live this life, breath to breath, we’re all the same; 

we all bleed red

(Instrumental break)
Let’s say we’re sorry….Before it’s too late….

We all bleed red, all taste rain, all fall down, lose our way, 
We all say words we regret, we all cry tears we all bleed red, 
Sometimes we’re strong, sometimes we’re weak; 

sometimes we’re hurt
It cuts deep; we live this life breath to breath; we’re all 

the same
We all bleed r-e-e-e-d-d-d 

The End of the Road

It was not a good day. I'll leave it at that.
About eight, I got in my car and hit the road. I had a full tank of gas, and no plans. I turned the radio up loud as I merged onto the freeway.

And I drove.

I put angry songs on repeat- and screamed along with them.
I put sad songs on repeat- and let myself wallow.
I put happy songs on repeat- and smiled at the stars.

At each major point on the freeway- I let myself feel the emotions I was feeling.

I vowed to not turn around until I had my emotions under control. I wasn't going to turn around until I understood what my heart was telling me- even if I didn't like what it had to say. I needed to keep driving until I could summarize it in a few precise sentences. And that wasn't happening in the city.


I drove north to get away from everyone except myself- to be alone with myself.  Why north? Because far north belongs to me: south belongs to old friends; east belongs to Andy and me; west belongs to my family; Salt Lake county is Andy's family; Davis county is Andy's.  But north- Weber county north- belongs to no one I know, but me. Ogden itself belongs to college me, and last night I even had to get away from that person.

So once I hit North Ogden, I abandoned the freeway and headed west. West is a place where I have never been with any friend- it is a place I spent hours alone with my music, my books, and my thoughts. And that is the alone I needed yesterday.

My thoughts became clear about 15 minutes west of the freeway- surrounded by small fields and small town houses. I rounded curves and drove by trees and quit having songs on repeat. I found my concise statement, my clear direction.

But, just to be sure, I kept driving at 50 miles an hour straight west.

And then, I crossed a railroad tracks at the bottom of a mountain, and came to a dead end sign. The road ends, and I realized I had never driven that far before. 

I knew I could not keep going the direction I was heading. I knew that even though I wanted to keep driving away, I had to turn around and face where I had been. And by reaching the end of the road, I was ready to do that. I was ready to return.

And I return different than I had been, because I had finally reached the end of my road. 

And as I turned the car around, and looked out over the valley- the view was beautiful. Lights glistened from Brigham to Bountiful, and the clouds in the sky glowed red.

I was sure- the drive ahead would be better than the drive I had already taken.

And a bad day turned into a really good night.

On the way home, I stopped at Andy's. I was done being alone.

Music

This song plays on The OC all the time. And, I am quite the fan of the show. It plays at the end of the show, when you know everything is going to change.

When I hear it, I have mixed reactions. Sometimes it makes me sad. Other times it makes me hopeful. Either way, after I hear it, it is stuck in my head for days.

Cold Play's

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you