What I wish I'd read last summer...

Last summer, after Andrew moved out, so many friends called and wrote to say, "if you need me, let me know." I know that every one of those messages was sent with such a sincere intention behind it- but I struggled to pick up the phone, even when I did need someone. 

I wish I had read this article then- maybe I would have gotten the courage one night to email it my friends and family, so they would have known how to help me. 

Don't get me wrong- my friends and family made a huge difference for me last summer and this fall (and still...).  But so many people made the comment that they wished they could do more, but didn't know what I needed. The truth is, I didn't know what I needed either. 

This article explains most of it pretty well.

I am better now than I was last summer and fall. I am NOT sharing this so that my friends know how to help me now. I am sharing this so if you know someone else going through divorce and heartache, we might all be better prepared to help them.

Editor's note: Stacy Morrison, author of "Falling Apart in One Piece: One Optimist's Journey Through the Hell of Divorce," is the former editor-in-chief of Redbook magazine.

(CNN) -- Friends always say "Whatever you need, call me." And they mean it. Trouble is, when you've been shattered, asking for any kind of help just reinforces the sense that you are a big, hot mess.
Plus, trying to come up with a way for your friends to get you past some of what you're feeling at the moment seems like an impossible task. Better to stay home alone again, right?
So why not e-mail this article to all your friends instead? It will make it easier for them to get in the driver's seat in helping you get through these hard months.
I NEED YOU TO: Call me up and say, "Hey! Let me take you out for margaritas on Friday!" And if I say no, promise you'll call again in a week or two and try again. Sometimes the last-minute plans work best. It's hard to put dates on the calendar to go out and have fun when you're living through so much heartbreak.
So pay attention to what night the kids (if there are any) are out with their other parent and call the day before. Chances are good I haven't made any plans, and you'll be saving me from another lonely night at home staring at the wall and wondering how I got here.
I NEED YOU TO: Send me stupid/cute/funny YouTube videos that I probably won't watch. But I'll be happy to know that someone is trying to keep me on the light side of things.
And someday when I'm scrolling through my in-box (maybe on a night I told you I wasn't up for going out for margaritas), I'll start watching the sneezing baby panda or the cat bowling or the always-good-for-a-laugh Justin Timberlake/Beyonce SNL skit.
And then I'll be so grateful for the distraction that was sent to me with love and friendship good intent instead of just mindlessly surfing the Web for shoes on sale for the 1,000th time.
I NEED YOU TO: Buy or cook me some healthy food that you know I like. It's not like I lost my arms when I lost my spouse, but for some reason, cooking dinner for myself just seems like a total waste of time, after I'd been so used to making meals for two for a decade. So dinner has rapidly devolved into things I can take from the freezer and heat and eat without too much attention or interest.
I want to be reminded that I actually do want to eat fresh tabbouleh salad and grilled salmon, but I need someone to put it in front of me! Help me make this first step toward starting to take care of myself again.
I NEED YOU TO: Send me a card, or three. Getting a piece of mail, even a dopey card, is a reminder that someone is thinking about the fact that I'm going through a hard time.
It feels especially good because I open the mail when I've come home after work, and I'm tired, and I'm entering a house that doesn't have a spouse, and I have to to put on a game face for my child, and then face the empty hours in the house alone after they've gone to bed.
The card in the mail is a guarantee for a little less self-loathing that night, company with no strings attached. Sounds good, right? Get thee to a card store, pronto!
I NEED YOU TO: Ask me to go for a walk, and ask again and again until I say yes.
Yes, I know that it's true that moving my body and getting my heart rate up has huge positive impact on mood, metabolism and mindspace. But sometimes it's all I can do to go to work and get home and collapse on the sofa.
So keep suggesting that you'll take a short, 15-minute walk with me: "It'll do you some good, and I promise we don't have to talk about anything if you don't want to." Do it until I say yes. I will say yes eventually, especially if it's nice out, and then I'll realize that (1) nature calms, (2) walking and not talking with someone you trust is healing, and (3) my body releases stress just by moving it without the specific intent of getting from Point A to Point B.
But one important tip: Do not turn this walk into interview time. "How are you? What's happening with the divorce? How are the kids?"
These questions are already on constant playback in my mind, and they don't have definite answers. What I desperately need is accepting, loving company and some empty space in my head. Thank you for helping me with that.
I NEED YOU TO: Come up with ideas of fun things to do with my/our kids.
Parenting is very overwhelming in the initial stages of a breakup, and the creativity of my parenting has dropped by about, oh, 98.5%, as I've been adjusting to doing everything on my own. (Yes, I might have already thought I was doing everything on my own before the breakup, but after the separation comes the brutal realization that having another body in the house is a huge help, no matter what they did or didn't do.)
So if you've just bought tickets to a Dan Zanes concert or are planning to go to the local science museum, pick up the phone and call me!
I do know that I should be filling those long weekend stretches of being a single parent with activities, but frankly, making advance plans is often more than I can handle.
So if I get a call from you on Saturday morning saying, "Hey, I'm taking the kids out for dim sum, want to join us?" I will probably shout "Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh God, thank you for saving me from another blank Saturday."

And the best part? I bet my child will get really tired from all the fun, and will go fast to sleep without a peep - - and then I'll enjoy my few hours of alone time that night feeling like I might be working out as a parent, after all.

Debate is good for my soul-

I am not really going to explain this whole thing- I just wanted to post my latest debate email. I didn't actually send it because I know it won't matter- but it felt good to write it.

Basically, this group is saying the ASD is using a flawed theory to guide our teaching practices. They have yet to say anything against the policy itself, but dislike the theorist who wrote it because he is an atheist and socialist. He says that the LDS church would not agree with this theory because it comes from a "bad apple." I found out today that BYU is actually teaching the theory!!!!  Hahahahahaha!

Dear Save Alpine School District

I quote your own letter-

"We have read about these dangers for years by our Founding Fathers, Christian leaders, prophets, even David O. McKay and Brigham Young and in scriptures. We’ve been warned repeatedly about the dangers of false educational ideas present in our educational institutions and the flattery of prominent men. ...

Because John Goodlad is an honored student of Dewey’s and shares the same belief system, it naturally falls that we should be careful of his teachings also....

I hope you take the time to read Boyd K. Packer’s The Snow-White Birds, a talk he gave to BYU administrators and staff in 1995. He warns instructors to be careful of these deceptive worldly philosophies because they harm the students greatly, even eternally.http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=10919"

End quote.

I sat in a BYU course today, and thought of this statement- made by you. I thought of it and LAUGHED! In a BYU course- (the school named after the Brigham Young you say we should follow) I was taught about John Goodlad's sound principals of the moral dimensions of teaching. You may say, that one teacher has it wrong. But this course was developed by a team of BYU teachers and administrators. The ONE theory that the ASD uses is also taught in a BYU course because it has valid use in the education world.

What part of his theory do you object to?
1. Nurturing Pedagogy- The part that says teachers should teach their kids in a way that is best for the child? 2. Equal Access- The part that says all students have a right to a good education?
3. Stewardship- How about the part that says the school is part of a larger community?
4. Teaching kids about society- Teaching the students how to function in our society?

Which part is so offensive to you?

Because, obviously, your idea that Brigham Young would object to John Goodlad entirely isn't valid anymore.

Status Updates for the Conference

7:34am Wow! That train came fast, and I LOVE being on Trax again. If I lived in SLC, I would ride the train as often as possible.

8:00am I have a principal who sits in the BACK row! On purpose! How awesome is that?


9:00am I am an expert on junior high English, and you want me to help kids be engineers? And you want me to build rockets? Um....


11:00am ALL KIDS DESERVE TO LEARN! HOW DARE YOU SAY GIFTED KIDS DON'T DESERVE A TEACHER'S ATTENTION. And those stats you just threw out- TOTALLY SLANTED AND I KNOW IT!


1:00pm Lunch of mayo covered tortilla and lettuce? No thanks, I'll starve.


3:15pm Never laughed so hard in a meeting. Never learned less in a meeting. Ok I lied... I did learn about the awkward turtle... and I am no good at it.


3:30pm Andy, you are late. Grrrrr.....


4:00pm Finally ! Something to drink. I'm excited for the movie to start.


6:00pm Costa Vida taco or quesadilla... I am starving!


8:00pm I love seeing my family! Even if it is a last minute invite. They are just fun.


7:30am On the train again...


9:00am I would LOVE to get paid 10 hours a week to meet with other teachers like they do in Asia... but that isn't our reality! And, you are wasting my time telling me it should be my reality. Talk to the people in charge please.


10:00am I LOVE brain research workshops. They are always the most fun, and remind me how to be a better teacher.


11:45am BRAIN OVERLOAD! Our school can do this! We should do this tomorrow! Oh, wait, that would be Saturday. And no school Monday! Crap! Tuesday it is...


1:00pm What a beautiful day! So glad we decided to walk to lunch.


2:45pm I think I want to be a principal- and then I'd have a say in making this stuff happen! I would be good at coordinating all of this stuff!


3:45pm I love riding trains. Maybe I will ride it to the end of the line... just because I can.


4:15pm It started! The bike started! I'll just go around the block...

4:40pm Oops! I forgot my license... I probably shouldn't be riding around on my bike.

Who am I?

I was talking with a girl in my class today, and she is very sick, overwhelmed, busy, stressed, and to sum it all up- tired.  I have to admit last week I felt much the same way, minus the kidney stones part. We got to talking about how even when we have good things happening in our lives, when new good things are added- we have to readjust ourselves to fit that new part in.

I have thought about this a lot lately- what roles do I play? Which role is my priority? Do I devote the time to filling the roles I believe are most important? Do I fulfill my roles completely, or just partially?

I think this thought process came about a few weeks ago, when I was feeling very overwhelmed with everything on my plate. I sat down and made an individual to-do list for major roles in my life- and I ended up with 9 different lists. And none of those lists include the relationship roles I play (sister, daughter, aunt, friend, spouse?)

Looking back, I remember sitting in a conference and being struck by the idea of what priority really means. If something truly is our priority, we should put more _______ to it than to other things. We should put our money towards our priorities or our time to our priorities.

And I am thinking I need to re-evaluate some of my roles in life.

I have always prided myself on being a student. But I realize, that in my being a student, it is taking time and energy away from more important roles to me. After this ELL class ends in May, I don't plan on taking another class for awhile. I will still learn, but I will learn by focusing on my neglected role- myself. I love to read and can learn a lot that way.

I don't know how to rearrange my other roles, but I am looking at it.

I want my relationship roles to be more important than my professional roles-

Being 'Single'

Before going any further into this blog, I want it to be clear- I am NOT technically single. I am still married. Andy and I are trying to reconcile our marriage and I am very much in that relationship. The end desire is for Andy to come home and for us to be a family again. I could list a thousand things I liked about married life, but I won't yet.

There are many things I miss about having Andy around. But, I vowed the day he moved out that I wasn't going to wallow over the things I no longer had- I was going to enjoy this new experience.

You see, over the last year, I have lived more 'single' than I have ever lived before. Even in college I had roommates- even if I never saw them. I always lived in places with strict rules about behavior. I once lived in the dorms where we had weekly chores and they were actually checked!


I am truly living single now. And, being single has its advantages- and today I am going to share them. If you remember your single life- add to the list. I know you readers love your hubbies and families and would never trade them- but single life does have perks.

 I think the best thing about being 'single' is that I have found out so much about myself. I am happy- and I realize that I am a happy person. I get stressed, I get angry, I get sad- but I really enjoy life.

And, these are the things that I love about being single-
1. My bathroom door is never closed anymore (and the lid is always down)
2. I can double dip anything I want!
3. I can donate money to any cause I want
4. Cheaper to travel- and I get to go anywhere I want, on my schedule
5.  I can eat tacos three nights in a row if I feel like it- and mac & cheese, or hotdogs, or pizza...
6. Speaking of pizza- the perfect pizza is easy on the sauce, stuff crust, extra cheese...
7. My favorite show can be watched over and over, and the DVR is always available to record my stuff
8. Bedtime- whenever I dang well please
9. The house is much cleaner because I know the mess is mine, and I don't mind cleaning up after myself
10. Pajamas all day? You bet. Pajamas right after school? Why not? I can wear anything I want... or don't want...
11. 'Budget' is a guideline only-
12. Midnight cruise up the canyon? Why not?  Four am Denny's? Sure.
13. Two words: temperature control
14.  My scrapbook stuff hasn't been put away in a month!
15. Want a new car? Which one... that one. :)

Finally! Saint George

Andy had a lot of fun playing with his camera the entire drive down. This was fine with me because I really wanted to drive! It was such a good drive down- just singing and driving, and pulling over at random exits to enjoy the sunset and stars. It was very refreshing to just get in the car and drive.

I don't know what photoshop work Andy did on these photos, but honestly- the colors were about this bright. We would 'awe' over them, and comment about how beautiful the clouds were. Andy would lean out the window and take a picture. He'd put his camera away, and five minutes later the cloud formation would change and we'd be in awe all over again. Back out the window he went...

I finally decided to pull over, so he could get better pictures without risking his life. It was such a beautiful evening. I had never been to St. George- but the drive itself in the evening would be worth going again.

I loved being able to go hiking the next morning- in just a sweatshirt and jeans. We had a picnic on some of the redrocks. I couldn't believe how blue the grass was there! Yes- I said blue.

Andy's required picture when he gets close to the edge of a rock. He can't help it. It is an addiction.

It was great to just be in the warm sun- I spun in circles enjoying the wonderful feeling.