My "New" Blog

I needed something to do daily- to keep my focused and grounded. I started this one a day blog- just for fun.

I hit two weeks today, so I decided it was time to share.

One a Day

I almost fainted- right then and there

I had a meeting with my principal today to discuss the English department assignments for next year. Basically, we look at the master schedule and determine who is going to teach what subject- 8th grade, 7th grade, creative writing, reading, debate, etc.

I walked in and looked at the schedule board, and they had taken GT English from me and given me creative writing instead. I TRANSFERRED to Vista to be a GT teacher! I have dreamed of being a GT teacher for 10 years, and they were taking it away to give me a class I've never taught before and other people in my department have REQUESTED it?  What???

I almost fainted right then and there.

Turns out it was just a mistake while putting the board together. My dream class is still mine.  :)

While I working on the schedule board, the counselor walked in and started discussing it with us. I got a little impatient and started moving classes around myself. Then, the color coding wasn't right so I started to rearrange things. The counselor said to the principal, "She thinks like we do..." and Steve replied, "I've noticed. She is moving things around like an administrator."  Considering that I would LOVE to be a principal someday, I was pretty excited that they noticed me acting like one.

I almost fainted right then and there.

This afternoon, I had a meeting with the woman in charge of the district GT program. My new district position is to coordinate the GT testing for all elementary schools in the district. We were talking and she was saying how she'd like to expand our pool of testing proctors and make sure more people know why it is important to do it right. She looked me in the eye, and just making a simple comment, said, "You never know Jamie. You may have my job when I retire in a few years." I've already written a blog about how I would like that job someday... I had to catch myself from getting too excited since I knew she wasn't offering.

But I almost fainted right then and there.

Music Monday

Well, it has been a couple of interesting days with my marriage situation. It is all good stuff- just interesting. After I left the school today, I stopped at the drive-thru at Arctic Circle for a drink. I get extremely bored in drive-thrus waiting for my order, so I was reading through the texts I received today. I read one from Andy and it occurred to me that if I had received this text two months ago- I would have had a totally different reaction. I would have been shaking, and my stomach would have knotted up. Today, it was really no big deal. I thought to myself, "Jamie- you are getting stronger. You are making progress."

And, what was the first song playing when I turned on my radio after I got my order? "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans. As I listened to it, I thought it was funny that I had just said that to myself, and I thought about posting it on my blog as my Music Monday topic. But, not all of the lyrics match my situation, and I didn't want people to think that I was trying to get over Andy (when in fact we're both working very hard on our marriage).

I decided to not post this song.

The song ended and a commercial came on, so I switched stations. A song on the new station was just finishing and the next song was NO JOKE- A LITTLE BIT STRONGER by Sara Evans.

I decided I was meant to post this song today.

I first heard it when my cousin sent it to me last summer when I was getting stronger each day after Andy moved out. It meant a lot to me that she would think of me. I feel better hearing it, even if the lyrics don't match my life exactly anymore.

Here it is- A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

My Imperfections

I decided almost nine months ago to paint my kitchen green. Now that wouldn't seem like a big deal, except that I have never lived in a place that had anything other than a white kitchen. In fact, in my whole life, I only remember living in one room that was painted anything other than white- and that is my current bedroom with its pink walls. (Granted...as a child I lived in a room with brown paneling, but it wasn't painted...)

Last weekend, I finally decided to actually do the painting. I took the samples off the wall and headed to the store. I bought the green paint I've been planning on buying for the last three months. I was so excited as I moved all the kitchen appliances and started painting.

Coat one looked absolutely awful. Coat two... two walls were ok but the last wall still wasn't working for me. After weighing my options, I decided it would look better if the green wasn't paired with the whitish color already on the wall.

I headed back to the store and picked out a tan color. And I painted the rest of the room tan, hoping it would calm down the ugly green color. It didn't really help, and I went to sleep feeling like the kitchen I'd been planning for months had turned into a nightmare.

The next day it didn't look better. I was really upset about my ugly kitchen actually. And, at the same time, I knew being upset over ugly paint was stupid. I knew if I really hated it I could just repaint it, but at the same time I felt like I had failed in some way.

I mentioned this to Andy, and what he said made me think a lot about myself. He told me that I worry so much when I mess up little things because I am good at doing big things. But, he said it would be good for me to learn to embrace the mistakes I make- and take more chances on the little things- because the little things are part of me too.

And I thought about this... I do restrain myself from taking chances on the little things in life because I fear not being perfect at them.When I do something new or different, I worry about it way too much. I like knowing I am good at something. But at the same time- that isn't the person I want to be. I want to be someone willing to try little things- so I figure it is time for me to actually act like that person. 

Fortunately for me, Andy and I had this conversation when I was out of town for two days. That meant two days of NOT seeing my ugly kitchen. When I got home, I was determined to look at it for what it was- not judging it by 100% perfect or 100% awful.

And truthfully, it has grown on me quickly in the last two days. I finally found a way to create the border I'd been picturing in my head, and it was actually fun to make. The color had dried to a calmer shade of green, and once I finally hung my curtains back up it really changed the color to one I like.

Then, after putting up the border, I realized I had extra vinyl and a large green space on the wall that needed something. I've always wanted to put a large quote on my wall, but again... never dared. But, I read one today that I liked, and my Crickut was already set up, and the vinyl was already out... and the quote is now on the wall.

I love my new kitchen actually. And though I am worried that Andy is going to see it and hate it... I realize that if the time comes for him to move home, and he hates it... we'll just change it. But until then, it is mine.  :)

More than that, I have a new conviction to take risks on the little things in life that don't matter. Even if they don't work out, at least I'll have fun trying.

Update on my recent life...

This blog was supposed to be me tracking my soul's voice... and I have hardly blogged at all lately.

What does that say about my soul?  Yup, it pretty much went silent during the month of March because life is just so hectic. But, there were some things that made me happy- either mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. 

1. I was blessed to be given a new job! I love working the testing sessions for the district gifted program. It is structured, precise, and something that challenges me. They have asked me to actually be in charge of all testing for elementary students next year. I get to hire/train proctors and organize the test session itself. I am so excited!


2. I get to be a mentor again next year. I'm not sure that I've helped Natalie much, but it feels so good to be given the opportunity to mentor a new teacher. They've asked me to do it again next year with another new teacher. I am just so thrilled for this chance.

3. George and Reba- April 2. Going to this concert just made me happy. I went with Kim, and it was just fun. We talked as much as we watched but it sure was fun. I even forgive her for liking one of Reba's worst songs!!!! But, part of what made it so awesome was knowing my folks were in the audience too. I am so glad they were able to see it, and they both sure seemed to enjoy it. I wish we could have talked about it longer, but we had to mad dash it to our car in the pouring rain. And we got soaked, which also made my soul happy.

4. Re-Arranging/Painting- I feel like I have a new house. In December I was able to completely redecorate my bathroom thanks to my family getting me everything I needed for Christmas. This last weekend I rearranged two rooms in my house, and it is just refreshing! I painted the kitchen too, and though I hated it for several days, now that it is really dry- it has grown on me.  I'm actually going to finish it after this blog.

5. Girls Night/Day- Let's see- the scrapbook expo with my mom was a blast. We didn't get mobbed like they did last year, but we had fun making the loop and buying way too much paper. Denny's with old friends- yup there were six teachers, and we all stayed up way past our bedtimes. But that is what happens when you get five old friends and a new friend together. Tale of Two Cities with CJ- just so fun! I already wrote about the play, but hanging with my sister is nothing short of amazing. The concert with Kim- again, so much fun! And finally, church girl's night was uplifting. I've never been in a group where I knew the girls better than the guys, but it is nice.

6. Volcanoes! I got to teach the last two Saturdays of March, and part of my lesson involved erupting a volcano, or rather letting a bunch of kids erupt their own. I've never heard so much excitement! The last class got to do it four times because we were using up the vinegar- and their last screams were as loud as the first.   :)

7. Tickets- I have tickets to Europe. I am going to Rome, Paris, London, and Edinburgh. It is like a dream come true that it still unbelievable. Andy is coming too, which makes me even more excited. Things are good between us, and I can't wait to get on the plane with him. Exciting parts of the trip include multiple castles, Stonehenge, and seeing Wicked in London.  :) 

Despite all the craziness of the last month- it has been good for my soul. 

A Favorite Quote

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way." Charles Dickens- A Tale of Two Cities

I got to see the Tale of Two Cities- the musical- this last week, and I really enjoyed it. The set was amazing to watch, as I've never seen a stage move that much throughout a performance. I was intrigued by it actually...
The songs will not go down in history as anything magical or wonderful. They simply move the story along, but are difficult to relate to personally. I would never seen this play simply for the music.

I do however, love the story. I first heard it in 6th grade, and read it again in 10th. It fascinates me...

And I am so glad I got to see it. I was disappointed that these famous words are not the way the play opens, as they represent an important time of my life (junior year) but I will forgive the writer.

At least he ended it well...

"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known."

Why am I doing this...?

This blog has been on my mind to write for months now, and every time I start, I always end up giving up. So, here I sit again attempting to answer the question I have been asked so many times lately- by others, and by myself.

Why am I trying to work things out with Andy?

I know why people ask me. They are worried that I am going back to Andy for the wrong reasons. They are worried I will get hurt again, and that I don't see what could happen.

I've searched my soul, and I am certain of my answers to their worries.

1. Are you afraid you'll end up alone, and don't want to risk it? Let's start with the worry with the longest, most complicated answer.
First, I never quite know what "fear" people are referring to.
Do they mean am I actually afraid of being alone? No- I am not. I can pay bills, take care of a home, accomplish things, and BE 100% HAPPY alone. There is nothing that I want in this life that I can't actually have on my own. If I am meant to live my life alone, then I will live a happy life alone. I've actually enjoyed my single life this past year.
Do they mean am I afraid no one else will want me?
I do not doubt that someone other than Andy can love me. When I thought we were headed to a divorce and he and Pamela were living together, I met other guys. I went on dates with them. We had great times, and I felt good about myself with them. I am not going to assume they liked me, but at least they wanted to see me again.
I am not choosing to work things out with Andy because I am afraid of being alone.

2. Do you feel like you owe it to him? I owe Andy nothing. I already gave all I had to him and more. I worked multiple jobs to put him in film school and to allow him to work part time in order to work on film projects. I've missed out activities and attended them alone while he edited movies. I forgave him once already. I treated him really good. Even after he decided to be with Pamela, I was good to him. I worked out a way for him to be able to afford his insurance, I let him pay what he owes me on his schedule, and I helped him get the help he needed. I have been very nice to him.
I owe Andy nothing.

3. Did your church say you can't get a divorce? My church gave me the go ahead to not only divorce him immediately, but promised to help in anyway they could if that was my decision, and even hinted that were some great men in the congregation that I could be introduced to, if I wanted. Biblically speaking, Andy has given me a justifiable reason to divorce him. Don't get me wrong, my church leaders are thrilled that we are trying to work it out, but they have not pressured me to do it. Yes, I admit, I hate the idea of divorce. I made vows before God and I actually meant them, but God has assured me I can be released from those promises without guilt, so that is not stopping me from filing papers.
My church did not stop me from my divorce.

4. Are you doing this for other people? Absolutely not. There is no one I have talked to that hasn't said they would support me 100% in leaving him. I have more people encourage me to divorce him than to stay with him, including a few people supporting us staying together who think I should divorce him first and remarry him so our vows mean something again. (They do have the most convincing argument for a divorce, but I am hoping a vow renewal is in my future...)  When Andy and I split, I don't feel that I lost anyone. Friends and family have been wonderful to me- even his parents- and I don't fear losing relationships if we don't get back together.
I am doing this only for me, and no one else.

5. Is it hard financially on your own? Haha...hahahaha....hahahahahahahahaha! No. I am not saying I make a million dollars, but I am perfectly fine financially. The Lord blessed me with money smarts, and unless I choose to put something on a credit card, the only debt I have is a house and my Mustang. I budget myself several times a week... for the next several months. (I'm a little budget obsessed.) Before I make a large purchase, I have to figure out how it will effect me financially for the next year. Excel and I are best friends sometimes. Do I run low on funds? Yes. Do I worry about gas prices? Yes. Do I need Andy to pay my bills and to buy food?  No.
I can financially take care of myself.

6.  Are you just trying to beat the mistress? Nope, sorry.  This isn't a game. This isn't high school. This is an adult situation that requires putting aside pride and being honest with myself. When I let Andy walk out of my house, I knew he could be walking to another woman, and I vowed to respect that. The day I actually learned they were going to attempt a relationship, I canceled my date with him because it was wrong. I never went after Andy trying to get him back. I never wrote him messages begging him to choose me. I didn't force myself into his life and home. I respected their relationship and let 'us' go. I was his friend. I actually encouraged their relationship and tried to help Andy feel better about it on multiple occasions. Despite the message I was sent saying, "You win," it was never a competition. I honestly wanted Andy to be happy, and never deliberately did anything to hurt what I thought was making him happy.
I care about Andy, not beating a mistress I've never met.

So, then, why am I working things out with Andy? Why am I trying? I have done so much soul searching in an attempt to find the answer... an answer that people would understand.
And the only answer I can really come up with is just so simple.
I want to. 
I want to be with this man.
I want to be part of his future, and I want him to be part of mine.
I love him, and I want a marriage with him.

I know it doesn't seem like much of a reason, but it is the only reason I have. 
And, it is good enough for me. 

What's Your Therapy?

We all have bad days. We have days when we are stressed or sad or angry. There are SO many ways to treat ourselves. Here a few. Please add to the list.

1. Retail Therapy: go shopping and buy things that make you feel good. Positives:  you get new things. Risks: you may spend money you don't have, and you may find nothing which leads you feeling worse

2. Manual Labor Therapy: (moving furniture, deep cleaning, yard work): do something that takes above average physical energy. Positives: you often end up crossing things off of your to-do list, physical exertion increases endorphines  Risks: you may be sore in the morning

3. Alcohol Therapy:  drink alcohol. Positives: you relax and things don't look so bad  Risks: hangover

4. Paint Therapy: (specifically created for myself) paint a room. Positives: your house gets a make-over and a refreshed feeling  Risks: it may end up very ugly, and you HAVE to redo it, which increases bad day

5. Chocolate Therapy: eat chocolate of any form  Positives: YOU ARE EATING CHOCOLATE! Risks: chocolate is not actually good for you  (Note: you can substitute any favorite treat, and it works the same)

6. Walking: get out and walk around the blocking looking at wonderful things  Positives: endorphins, health, seeing beautiful things   Risks: you may trip on a crack and fall and break your back...  :) 

7. Cruising Therapy: get in the car and drive; turn on the radio and sing  Positives: things always look better in new surroundings, music only makes things better.  Risks: gas prices are WAY too high

8. Child Therapy: spend time with a young child; play with them  Positives: laughter, imaginary worlds  Risks: child could throw a tantrum, cry, leak fluids, etc.   (This works the same way with pets- they play well too.)

9. Book Therapy: curl up and read a good book  Positives: imaginary places, escape your own life   Risks: paper cuts?

10. Gal Therapy: spend time with the girls eating, talking, crafting- girl things  Positives: laughter, sympathetic ears, inspiration  Risks: watch your budget