Music on the Way Home

On the way home this morning, this song came on the radio, 

and it spoke to me. It reminds me to be compassionate, which 

is a goal I need to focus on right now. I have an easy time 

being compassionate toward people I know, but I struggle to 

be compassionate towards strangers. I thought this song 

gave me a good reason-

Again, as always, the bold words are the ones that speak to 

me the most- 

Bleed Red by Ronnie Dunn 

Let’s say were sorry, before it’s too late, give forgiveness 

a chance
Turn the anger into water; let it slip through our hands
We all bleed red, we all taste rain, 

all fall down, Lose our way, 
We all say words we regret, we all cry tears, we all bleed red

If we’re fighting, we’re both losing; 

we’re just wasting our time
Because my scars, they are your scars and your world is mine
You and I, we all bleed red, we all taste rain, all fall down, 

lose our way
We all say words, we regret, well cry tears, we all bleed red
Sometimes we’re strong, sometimes we’re weak, sometimes we’re 

hurt and it cuts deep
We live this life, breath to breath, we’re all the same; 

we all bleed red

(Instrumental break)
Let’s say we’re sorry….Before it’s too late….

We all bleed red, all taste rain, all fall down, lose our way, 
We all say words we regret, we all cry tears we all bleed red, 
Sometimes we’re strong, sometimes we’re weak; 

sometimes we’re hurt
It cuts deep; we live this life breath to breath; we’re all 

the same
We all bleed r-e-e-e-d-d-d 

The End of the Road

It was not a good day. I'll leave it at that.
About eight, I got in my car and hit the road. I had a full tank of gas, and no plans. I turned the radio up loud as I merged onto the freeway.

And I drove.

I put angry songs on repeat- and screamed along with them.
I put sad songs on repeat- and let myself wallow.
I put happy songs on repeat- and smiled at the stars.

At each major point on the freeway- I let myself feel the emotions I was feeling.

I vowed to not turn around until I had my emotions under control. I wasn't going to turn around until I understood what my heart was telling me- even if I didn't like what it had to say. I needed to keep driving until I could summarize it in a few precise sentences. And that wasn't happening in the city.


I drove north to get away from everyone except myself- to be alone with myself.  Why north? Because far north belongs to me: south belongs to old friends; east belongs to Andy and me; west belongs to my family; Salt Lake county is Andy's family; Davis county is Andy's.  But north- Weber county north- belongs to no one I know, but me. Ogden itself belongs to college me, and last night I even had to get away from that person.

So once I hit North Ogden, I abandoned the freeway and headed west. West is a place where I have never been with any friend- it is a place I spent hours alone with my music, my books, and my thoughts. And that is the alone I needed yesterday.

My thoughts became clear about 15 minutes west of the freeway- surrounded by small fields and small town houses. I rounded curves and drove by trees and quit having songs on repeat. I found my concise statement, my clear direction.

But, just to be sure, I kept driving at 50 miles an hour straight west.

And then, I crossed a railroad tracks at the bottom of a mountain, and came to a dead end sign. The road ends, and I realized I had never driven that far before. 

I knew I could not keep going the direction I was heading. I knew that even though I wanted to keep driving away, I had to turn around and face where I had been. And by reaching the end of the road, I was ready to do that. I was ready to return.

And I return different than I had been, because I had finally reached the end of my road. 

And as I turned the car around, and looked out over the valley- the view was beautiful. Lights glistened from Brigham to Bountiful, and the clouds in the sky glowed red.

I was sure- the drive ahead would be better than the drive I had already taken.

And a bad day turned into a really good night.

On the way home, I stopped at Andy's. I was done being alone.

Music

This song plays on The OC all the time. And, I am quite the fan of the show. It plays at the end of the show, when you know everything is going to change.

When I hear it, I have mixed reactions. Sometimes it makes me sad. Other times it makes me hopeful. Either way, after I hear it, it is stuck in my head for days.

Cold Play's

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you 

I Feel Like Writing

I want to write a blog.
I want to explain what I am thinking and feeling- but I don't really know what to say. I just want to write.
I thought I'd try a free write thing- where I would just start writing, and hopefully the secrets of my soul will come barreling out for the cyber world to read.

Or they won't. Maybe I will just babble endlessly because frankly, that is how my thoughts are coming today.

I guess I'll start with my funny story today. A few years back, I worked with a woman and we got along in the beginning, but then there was a crazy mix-up and she threatened to sue me, and told the union complete lies about me and my yearbook staff. There was a lot going on in her life at the time, and she decided to transfer to another school. Since the last day of school that year, we have never seen each other.

Until today. We were in an all day GT meeting today. There were fifty people there, so we didn't really need to interact or even sit near each other. Plus it has been a few years, so whatever.

Until she was handing out papers. She walked behind me and smacked me on the back of the head. I thought she was saying, "Hello," so I turned around and said hi. Without looking at me or saying a word- she kept walking.

What??? I'd say maybe it was an accident, but it sure didn't feel like it. She didn't bump me- it was a smack on the back of my head.

Very weird.

I also got to calm a debate later in the afternoon, which I like more than actually debating. I like being able to find the compromise between two sides. I like being able to make all sides happy- or at least happy enough to move on. I like finding the solution.

Ok- at least I got to write something- even if it isn't really anything.

Praise = Motivation

It is interesting to me the difference I feel when positive comments and attitudes are sent my way. Today, I woman I have seen twice now- I don't even know her name- was able to talk to me for less than 10 minutes, and as she walked away I felt like such a good teacher.

And for the rest of the day, I consciously made decisions and acted like a "good" teacher would act. I didn't want her evaluation of me to ever be seen as wrong, and I just stepped up as a teacher.

My principal has decided to give me more money that required (by the district) for a yearbook advisor. He told me that I do more work on that book than the district pays me.

And it made me get motivated to get work done on the yearbook. I have fallen a little behind on it this last month, but I wanted to earn that extra money that he threw my way. He sees me as a good advisor, and I will not let him down.

And two friends today told me that I am a good person. They both told me this just after I had written a rather not nice blog because I was very frustrated with a situation. I didn't post it because I got a phone call...

And now I am more convicted than ever to be a nice person, and to make decisions based on compassion for other people. I am more convicted than I have been all week to be happy and to see the blessings that I have in my life.

And now, I want to try to give praise more to others. Praise made a difference in me-  :)

Cruising

After dinner and a movie, Andy and I realized it was still very early. We were unsure what to do with the remaining hours of the evening, and then I just decided- we were going cruising.

I love cruising at night and I don't do it nearly enough.

We jumped in 'Sally' and headed up the canyon (admittedly, we stopped to return the movie and get gas first). I have only been up this canyon once or twice in the 'stang, and I loved it! I cranked up the radio and sang loudly. And Sally, just kep wanting to go faster. It was really difficult to keep it near the speed limit. Oops!

It was a gorgeous night. I pulled over at a spot overlooking the lake. There weren't a lot of stars out, but there were enough to make me smile. It was freezing, so we were only outside for two minutes.

The coolest part was the frozen lake. It looked like arctic camo- gray/white blended into each other.

I made Andrew drive home. And he even humored my "happy-soul" adventure enought to honk the horn through the entire tunnel. And he danced with me in the car.

It was fun.

Reminding myself, before I forget...

I have tried to keep my blog positive for the most part. I wanted it to focus on my happy, peaceful, hopeful, fulfilled soul. You know... that voice I found last summer when I was driving home from Arizona and pulled over to dance in the rain.

Well, that is the voice I wanted the readers of my blog to hear more than any other voice. I did not want to focus on my political ideas or daily tasks. I did not want to focus on the craziness of my personal life.
I wanted this blog to focus on me only: my inner soul that is solely dependent on myself and the things I choose to find joy in.

But, this is not going to be a positive blog.
I need to tell the dark side of my soul and its journey...

That dark side comes out once every so often, and for a week or two I start to wonder if I have killed my soul all together.

My head knows this is hormonal but that does not really change it. I mentally can not focus for a week. My heart is broken over everything I have been through and done. And my soul does not see joy in anything: not a song, not a sunset, not my dogs or my job.


And the worst part is the first few days. like today. I know instantly when these feelings start coming on. I know instantly that I am about to start a week where I will wonder if I will ever get through it as the same person I was before. I dread knowing what is coming and yet I do not know how to stop it.
 
On this first day, the reasons make sense to me and I know that I will make it through these feelings eventually.

However, a few days from now I will not be so rational. I will not see things so sensibly. I will wonder if this is the time when it is different. I will wonder if this time I truly have been broken beyond repair. I fear what I will do under these conditions. In the depths of my despair I feel like I must do something to fix myself- I must make major changes in my life so that I can rid myself of all the negativity. I come up with drastic plans and long speeches that I know will solve all of my problems by getting rid of anything that causes a problem. I want to quit jobs, end relationships, sell cars, and donate my dogs to shelter.

And, for that week or two, doing any of these things will make me feel better. But, after this dreaded time is over, I know I will regret those decisions. I am happy with my job, my life, my car and my dogs.

But it sure is hard to keep my mouth shut during these times. It is hard to not throw a fit and yell and scream or to spend days on the couch in my pajamas wallowing. It is what I want to do and what I know will make me feel better at that moment.

But this voice in my head tells me it will not make me proud of myself. It will not make me happy in the long run. In the long run, I must have patience. I must be strong. I must get up each day and continue being my awesome self, even when I don't feel like it.

And that is why I write this particular blog- to be my voice when I don't remember that things will get better. This blog will serve as a reminder that I have felt like this before, and I have survived it.

And I will feel hope that I will survive it again.

Forming Habits

I realize that I have a lot of worth while goals. At certain points this last year, I've woken up with all the energy in the world to conquer them all. Truth is- very few of them stuck.

Sure- my goal to make my bed every morning was set in June when I bought my new bedset- and I have accomplished it. It is so wonderful to come home each afternoon to a made bed.

In August, I was so excited to start my new life at my new school I made several charts to help me log my goals- exercise lists, menus, "take care of your soul" ideas, project deadlines- and honestly, I didn't do any of it for more than a week. Life caught up with me and things got crazy at the school. My personal life went from under control to out of control and really- I just didn't reach many of my goals.

In October, I decided on one goal to focus on- reading the Bible on a regular basis, and reading the whole thing in six months. I started reading in the evening before I went to bed. I haven't read it every day, but I didn't miss a day the first three weeks. The first time I missed a day, I missed it. Then I started reading in the morning too. Again, I haven't made it every day, but I do read most mornings. It is now part of my routine- and my goal is looking pretty good.

Two weeks ago, I set another goal. I wanted to go one week without eating out for dinner. (Not lunch- I'm never at my house on the weekends.) I went to the store, bought some groceries, and made a menu. It has now been 15 days and I haven't missed a meal. I am actually enjoying cooking and look forward to my meals. I don't miss eating out like I thought I would, though I do admit I was craving stuffed crust pizza this afternoon. It gives me left overs to eat at school, and I think it is saving me money.

So, I've decided the key to keeping goals for me is to focus on one goal at a time, until it becomes habit. Once one goal is a habit, then I can move on to the another goal.

I do admit- this is not easy for me. I feel so accomplished with my new eating habit, I am motivated to accomplish all of these other things. However, I know that doing it that way isn't going to work for me.

So- these are the habits I would like to develop... one at a time so they stick.

- Physical activity on a daily basis (even something small like a walk)
- Drink 8 cups of water a day (which will hopefully result in drinking less soda)
- Write/read four times a week for myself- not school
- Spend one day a week not doing any work or just watching TV- but do something different than normal

Even writing these, I think to myself, why can't I just do all of this now?

Music Monday on a Thursday

This song came on my Pandora radio a few weeks ago, and it just made me smile. It is the song that I play as I fall asleep at night now- when I am happy and at peace and want a song that matches my mood. 

I don't actually know why this song speaks to me, but it speaks to me in the depths of my soul. 

Hello World lyrics
 Lady Antebellum
Songwriters: Douglas, Tom; Lane, Tony; Lee, David;

Traffic cars, cell phone calls, top video screams at me
Through my tender window I see a little girl, rust red minivan
She's got chocolate on her face, got little hands
And she waves at me, yeah, she smiles at me

Well, hello world, how've you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel cold as steel
Broken like I'm never gonna heal
I see a light, little hole in the little girl
Well, hello world

Every day I drive by a little white church
It's got these little white crosses like angels in the yard
Maybe I should stop on in and say a prayer
Maybe talk to God like he is there

Oh, I know He's there, yeah, I know He's there

Well, hello world, how've you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel as cold as steel
And broken like I'm never gonna heal
I see a light, little grace, little faith unfurl
Well, hello world

Sometimes I forget what living's for
And I hear my life through my front door
And I'll be there, oh, I'm home again

I see my wife, little boy, little girl
Hello world, hello world

Oh, the empty disappears
I remember why I'm here
To surrender and believe
I fall down on my knees
Oh hello world, hello world, hello world

Jr. High Girls + 9:00am + Sugar Overload = Not a good thing.

We are half way done with the yearbook. That means we get to have a small party.

Yearbook is first period. I suggested donuts, bagels, etc.

They voted for rootbeer floats and donuts.

The principal was so grossed out by the idea he refused to join us. He did eat a donut though.

Some girls twirled in cirlces until they fell down. Two girls walked up to me and started chanting, "Butterfly, butterfly, fly, fly..." in high pitched voices. A group of girls attempted to recreate the movie Tangled, and it didn't go well.

The best part however involved the cake that one of my students brought. Two girls got into a little frosting fight, and smeared BRIGHT (neon!) frosting on each other's faces. They left to wash it off, and when they returned, they informed me that frosting stains. They both are walking around all day with bright pink spots all over their faces.

I am laughing with them all...

With a first period like that, who wouldn't have a good day?

Rainbows

"Life is like a rainbow- you needs both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear."

I come across this quote today, and it made me smile. It is a good thought to have in my head- and is something I truly believe in the depths of my soul. (This is due to my mother telling me my whole life that things will always work out, and even the bad things happen for a reason.)

So, once again- my list of rain and the rainbows it brought into my life...

Leaving Arizona, August 11, 1996 = cross-country, FCCLA, mock trial, Odyssey Worlds, YCC, Key Club, and wonderful people.

Forgetting my speech, July 1999 = five years of touring the country promoting a cause I believe in, while getting paid

Getting kicked out college required classes twice after a change in prereq's = postponing student teaching a semester = my job at Oak Canyon as a yearbook advisor, debate teacher, track coach = my job at Vista Heights teaching GT, yearbook, debate, and being department chair and data specialist!

CJK, Spring 2006 = giving up depression inducing medication and being much happier

PABM, Spring 2010 = my Mustang, San Fransisco, Mt. Rushmore, the Redwoods, Houston, sunrises, cooking, self-sufficiency, & amazing friends = finding my soul.

It has been a week where all the great things in my life are shining through brightly- and I know the rain had as much to do with it as the sun. 

What a Good Day

Today is one of those days when I came home, looked at myself in the mirror, smiled and said, "Good job Jamie."

The day started with a message from a dear person in my life telling me they think I'm amazing. How does your day not go well when it starts with that?

Then this morning, I hammered out our English department portfolio. It just seemed to fall into place, even though for the last few weeks it just hasn't been working for me. (Hence the reason I put it off until the day it was due.)

Yearbook- deadline today. My students were great and I finished everything I could do for it with lots of class time to spare.

After first period, the counselor walked in with his "student teacher." He said she needed to observe a master teacher, and wondered if she could sit in my class for 20 minutes. Me? A master teacher? Sure... and honestly, I felt really good about what she watched. It was a good activity.

During prep period I worked on our PowerPoint for our presentation. It also came together really well- and I'm not sure why I've been dreading doing it for a week now. The department came in at 1:30, and they were impressed with it too. We actually had a lot of fun adding to it, revising it, and planning out the actual presentation. I was completely nervous for us, but at the same time, I knew we were ready. We are a good department, and all we had to do was show off.

Our English presentation went so well! My department just flowed... and listening to us, I was impressed by all of them and by all of the work we did this fall. 

At the end of the presentation, our principal said he had one question. "You mentioned that your goal was for 80% of your students to pass..." And I interrupted (not a proud moment) and said, "Before you continue, can I correct you on that? Our goal is for EVERY student to score 80% or above. We know that may seem impossible, but it our goal that all students succeed." He said, "Sorry- that was actually what I was going to question. That's all I needed to know."

I feel pretty good about that because when we wrote our goals, I FOUGHT the department to choose EVERY student. They kept telling me that we'd never realistically achieve that, but I told them it didn't matter how many goals we checked off the list, but that we had to set a goal for EVERY child. They agreed and we worked out our goals.

And today, they realized I knew what I was talking about. And that felt good.

After the three hour department meeting- I finished up the yearbook deadline. I was done at the stroke of five. Half the book is complete... and it is going to be good.

As I was leaving the school, one of the panel members stopped me. She told me my department works better together than any other department in the school, even though we're the largest group. She also said that they were impressed with our organization and portfolio (the one from this morning), and it made their scoring very easy. She was very impressed with us.

And to top it all off- even though it was a crazy busy day- I came home and cooked dinner. That makes eleven days of not eating dinner out. I'm pretty proud of myself.

What. A. Good. Day.

Music Monday

I heard this song on my way home from my family's house after the SuperBowl. It just struck a chord with me.

I admit, I enjoy the Bachelor, so I had to laugh that it is referenced  in the song. I won't stop and claim that it is "real" though.

Read - James Wesley

500 channels and there ain’t much on tonight
But reality shows about some folk’s so-called lives
A pretty girl cries because she doesn’t get a rose 
But she’ll find love next year on her own show
And they call that real

Real, is a hand you hold for 57 years…
Real, is a band of gold trembling with fear…
It’s the first long tear down an old man’s face
Watching his angel slipping away
His heart so broke that it’s never gonna heal
I call that real.

Where I live housewives don’t act like that
And the survivors are farmers in John Deere Hats
Our amazing race is beating the check 
Prayin that the bank ain’t ran it through yet

Real, like too much rain falling from the sky,
Real, like the drought that came around here last July,
It’s the damn old weevils and the market and the weeds
The prayer they prayed when they plant the seeds
And the chance they take to bring us all our next meal
I call that real

(solo)

Real, like a job you lose because it moves to Mexico
Like a momma and a baby with no safe place to go
Like a little dream house with a little foreclose sign
Like a flag-draped coffin and a 21 gun goodbye
I call that real
Man, I call that real 
Oh, I call that real

Dear Jarod

Two years ago JJ- you left us. You left us by choice.
And I miss you.

You were a brilliant, talented, amazing man. You played the violin better than anyone, and more important to me, you were so patient with the fact that I couldn't even tune my own instrument. You could solve any problem, defeat any witness, and plan an incredibly fun, yet unique date.

More important- you were a friend. We went through our first loves together and our first heartaches. When my world was crashing down, you held it together. When I wanted more than anything to laugh, you made it happen. When you knew I had a horrible day, you drove around the county for an hour trying to find my truck, just so you could check in.

More than all of this, you were a good father, a good son, and a good friend to so many other people.

But, you didn't know all this about yourself.

Tonight Jarod, I will cry tears of compassion as I think of your family and friends. I will cry tears of regret, knowing I had a chance to change your future, and I chose a different path. I will cry tears of anguish as I think of how much pain you were in. And, mostly, I will cry selfish tears of pain for myself, because I miss you.

Tomorrow, I will get up and smile, knowing that I have a chance to be a better friend, the chance to make the right decision for someone else, and grateful that I knew someone like you.