The End of the Road

It was not a good day. I'll leave it at that.
About eight, I got in my car and hit the road. I had a full tank of gas, and no plans. I turned the radio up loud as I merged onto the freeway.

And I drove.

I put angry songs on repeat- and screamed along with them.
I put sad songs on repeat- and let myself wallow.
I put happy songs on repeat- and smiled at the stars.

At each major point on the freeway- I let myself feel the emotions I was feeling.

I vowed to not turn around until I had my emotions under control. I wasn't going to turn around until I understood what my heart was telling me- even if I didn't like what it had to say. I needed to keep driving until I could summarize it in a few precise sentences. And that wasn't happening in the city.


I drove north to get away from everyone except myself- to be alone with myself.  Why north? Because far north belongs to me: south belongs to old friends; east belongs to Andy and me; west belongs to my family; Salt Lake county is Andy's family; Davis county is Andy's.  But north- Weber county north- belongs to no one I know, but me. Ogden itself belongs to college me, and last night I even had to get away from that person.

So once I hit North Ogden, I abandoned the freeway and headed west. West is a place where I have never been with any friend- it is a place I spent hours alone with my music, my books, and my thoughts. And that is the alone I needed yesterday.

My thoughts became clear about 15 minutes west of the freeway- surrounded by small fields and small town houses. I rounded curves and drove by trees and quit having songs on repeat. I found my concise statement, my clear direction.

But, just to be sure, I kept driving at 50 miles an hour straight west.

And then, I crossed a railroad tracks at the bottom of a mountain, and came to a dead end sign. The road ends, and I realized I had never driven that far before. 

I knew I could not keep going the direction I was heading. I knew that even though I wanted to keep driving away, I had to turn around and face where I had been. And by reaching the end of the road, I was ready to do that. I was ready to return.

And I return different than I had been, because I had finally reached the end of my road. 

And as I turned the car around, and looked out over the valley- the view was beautiful. Lights glistened from Brigham to Bountiful, and the clouds in the sky glowed red.

I was sure- the drive ahead would be better than the drive I had already taken.

And a bad day turned into a really good night.

On the way home, I stopped at Andy's. I was done being alone.