I'm amused...

I am horribly amused at the assumptions people make. They assume I'll feel certain ways. They assume I'll react certain ways. They assume I'll make certain decisions.

They never give me the chance to do any different.

Ask me. You will be surprised at my response.
Change your behavior. I'll change my reaction to your behavior. (Don't expect me to change my reaction first...that's just dumb.)
Give me a chance. I will exceed your expectations.

But, they just keep on assuming... and we all know that when you ASSume...

And today, my response to their ASSuming is simply-

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Amazing Women

My whole life, most of my best friends were guys. Guys were the normal people for me to run to when life got tough.

However, in this last year, it has been the women of my life that have stepped up and been amazing. It is the women in my life that have answered my questions and let me know that everything would be ok. Some of these women talk to me on a regular basis; some go months with little contact. But if you are on this list, you have made a difference in my life.

Before I start, I want to make a disclaimer. All of these women are worthy of a post of their own. I am choosing ONE thing that stands out to me, but it is in no way the only thing about any of you. I am trying to say I LOVE YOU and THANKS.

This is my one line tribute to the women in my life-

Mom- the woman who reminds me to have faith that everything will be ok
CJ- the woman who keeps me up way too late every time we start talking
Ness- the woman I know will kick his ass as soon as I say the word
Kim- the woman who doesn't mind my Gemini complex that can't make a decision
Misti- the woman who is just a phone call away, any time
Kyra- the woman who gave me a room in a new city when I really needed one
Lisa- the woman who always makes time to see me
Liz- the woman who convinced me that whatever I was feeling, it was ok to feel
Katrina- the woman who told me I would be forgiven
Jeanie- the woman who inspires me to be better
Whitney- the woman who reminded me it was ok to not be nice
Heather- the woman who never lets me forget I am of value
Krystal- the woman who isn't afraid to get in my face
Erika- the woman who doesn't let me suffer on my own
Sue- the woman who reminds me that I am a good teacher

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Roses touch my heart

I came home today to find a dozen pink roses in my bedroom. They are beautiful, and sweet, and honestly make me smile. I love them not just because they are roses, but because I know he isn't a fan of buying things that die. But, he did, for me.

I was asked a few weeks ago what tattoo I would get, if I were to get one. I know without a doubt what it would be- the Gemini symbol with a rose wrapped around it. (For an explanation of the Gemini feeling- read my blog from last week, and read a few of my poems in my other blog.)

Today, I explain my love of roses.

I see the rose as the perfect symbol of a creature's ability to have faults, and still be completely beautiful. It is the closest anything can come to being perfect: it can not help that it has thorns, but it rises above that and brings joy to me and beauty to the world.

I aspire to be that type of person- a person that does not focus on my faults, but that overcomes them and shines beautifully into the world.

In addition, the rose is a challenge to us all. If a person can love something, despite the thorns, then that love must be real, and that thing must be truly amazing.

These two quotes sum it up much better:

God created the rose in the likeness of a woman.
     The rose represents her beauty.
     The stem represents her strength.
     The petals are soft as her delicate skin, the fragrance so pure and so sweet.
     The leaves represent her arms outstretched, always loving and giving
     and for perfection --- He made her heart of pure gold.

So it is with many people.
Within every soul, there is a rose.
One of the greatest gifts a person can possess is to be able to reach past the thorns and find the rose within others. This is the truest, most innocent and gracious characteristic of love -- To know another person, including their faults, and recognize the nobility in their soul.

Thanks for the roses Andrew. 

My CHIBS Declaration

No comments will be allowed on this post-
1. I am about to crazy brag about myself, and I don't need/want confirmation of my awesomeness
2. If you disagree with me, I'm not in the mood to hear it.

Feel free to message your thoughts in another way, but no public comments.
Thank you, and good day!  :)

Compassion- dang right I am a compassionate person! When someone wronged me, I helped them over and over. When another person was hurting, and took it out on me in a cruel way, I didn't turn around and do the same to them. When me getting what I want would hurt another, I fought for that person, even though it meant giving up what I wanted! That is compassion.

Happiness- I see goodness in the little things in the world. I've never enjoyed little children as much as I have lately. And, I realize that I find deep joy in the sky. I love seeing the moon. I love the colors of the sunset. I enjoy my dogs and their crazy antics. I am a happy person.

Intelligence- Not going to discuss this one much. I'm a smart person.

Beautiful- I try to be a good person. I make an effort help others. I try to make life easier for other people, or at least a little better. I don't think I'll ever reach perfect beauty, but I sleep easier knowing I've tried.

Strength- I am a strong person. I do not need anyone to take care of me. I do not need another person to make me happy. I can handle life's events. I am strong enough to travel the world on my own. But more than all of this, I am strong enough to admit that I want other people to go through life's events with me. I want my family and friends to join me in tough times. I want family and friends to share big moments with me. I want to share my joy with other people. But, I do not need it.

Thoughts on today

The snow came down so quickly, covering the world in a white blanket. The snow was a bright white, pure white. It was white like the beautiful dressed you wore. You were an innocent angel, lying there at peace.

Your last bed was lined in yellow cloth covered in bright ladybugs. And a message was engraved above you, from an angel to a ladybug, asking her to carry a kiss to your mother. I'm sure every time she sees a ladybug she will feel your kisses.

They brought you down the aisle, covered in flowers. Your grandmothers and aunt read beautiful letters from your parents and siblings. I could picture a little girl giggling, and see a little princess dancing. "First just one shoulder, and then the shimmy..."  The music was so sweet, and made so many people smile.

On the lawn, there was peace. Beautiful balloons were released with messages to you in Heaven. Children and adult smiled as they watched them against the white sky, floating up to you. It was a magical sight that will live with us forever.

Today was perfect, except for one problem.

The casket was too small.

Week of the Gemini

It is difficult when horrible, tragic things happen.

Andy's cousin, my cousin, was killed this week. She was a sweet little two-year-old girl.

How does a parent get over that?

How does a parent get over it when the parent was the cause of the accidental death?

I am in no way putting blame on the parent. The little girl was two, and slipped out of the house and in front of the car. It was 100% an accident that could not have been seen or predicted.

But how does a parent accept that they caused their own child to die? How do you help that person? What do you say?

This event has left me with a dull feeling, almost numb. Whenever I am not distracted by something, I am checking the news for updates, Facebook for status changes, my phone for texts.

In a way, this event has consumed my thinking this week.

But, and I feel guilty about this, this week has also been amazing. I got new classes this week. I've been able to start over with my debate classes, and really focus on them. I've never really had this experience where my energy was so devoted to being a better DEBATE teacher. In the past, in the middle of the year, I've been focusing on a major unit in my English classes, and I just taught debate how I'd taught it the semester before. Even at the beginning of this year, I was so focused on my personal life, that I didn't really think about how to be a better debate teacher; I just taught it how I usually teach it.

But this semester I really thought about it. I have already done new things this first week, and I feel like a better teacher.

I am a better English teacher this week. My students have had amazing conversations and done challenging activities.

And my personal life this week has just been great. I went out with friends, attempting a service project on Tuesday. It didn't work out but it was fun to just get to know them a little better.

Wednesday, I got to spend hours with my friends from Oak Canyon. It was so amazing to just have girl talk. They lifted me up and helped me feel better about my decisions. They made me feel better about being a woman. We laughed.

And, Andy and I have had a really good week. Granted, I didn't see him for several days, but it made me miss him. And, I consider that a good feeling. Last night we did get to hang out, and though I was exhausted, I had so much fun. We cooked dinner together (Ok... I only cut the bread and grated the cheese, but I bought everything!).

Then we looked at puppies together. I lost my shoe in the mud, and when he pulled it out it actually made the suction noise. We took a puppy home (it isn't his... it is a gift.) I did have to smile when he pointed out that if the person didn't like the gift, he'd have to bring him home with him. Him coming home... it makes me happy.

And, in addition, it is just cute to see Andy playing with a puppy. They all love him, and he is so easily attached.

My mind feels accomplished. My heart is happy. My soul is light.

And then, I remember...

My mind is frustrated and occupied. My heart is in despair. My soul is shaken.

This is the life of a Gemini.

Interesting Thoughts

A year ago, this man handed me my perfect world on a silver platter wrapped up with a pretty little bow. He told me my probable future, and though it wasn't for certain, it was absolutely amazing. I was so excited I could barely contain myself. I wanted to jump up and down as I talked with this man.

Today, I sat down with him again. He was again explained the probable future, and it does not look very good. I'm not losing my job or anything, but my job is going to change.

I hear these voices telling me it will work out, and I know that it will. I know I shouldn't worry about an uncertain future.

But- how it is ok to get excited about an uncertain future, but not worry about it?
How can a person be hopeful about the good things coming, but not think about the bad things?

I have not learned how to NOT look to the future, how to not have the future be part of my life TODAY. I like hope too much. I like planning and preparation. It brings me comfort.

Is there a way to have the hope and not the worry? Is there a way to live for today, while planning for the future, without thinking of any of the negative realities that lay ahead?

I had a good day. I had a great day. I'm just a little bummed that a bad day is coming...

Cure for the Winter Blues- St. George

The winter blues hit me a few weeks ago. They are not fun.
The other day I was driving home from Salt Lake, and I was thinking about summer. I remembered how absolutely amazing it was to drive my Mustang down long stretches of open highway blaring any music I wanted.

And it dawned on me: Jamie, you have a three day weekend and the term ends Friday. That means no papers to grade over the weekend. You should head out of town.

I had a few criteria: no big cities w/ crazy traffic, close, warmer than Salt Lake. CJ gave me the idea of St. George. Perfect.

Andy and I headed out Friday after school. Andy drove to Nephi, and then I drove the rest of the way. It was so much fun to sing along with the radio.

Andy was entertained by the never ending sunset. Once it started, he crawled into the trunk for his camera. He'd take a few pictures, "Wow that's pretty." Then, ten minutes later the clouds would shift and the colors would change. The camera would come out again. It was actually a lot of fun to see him hanging out the window to try to get a better picture. (He may have actually dropped his camera lens out the window...)

I pulled off at some random exit and we both took more pictures. There was no schedule, no deadline, no stress. In fact, once it got dark I pulled off another random exit just to look at the stars. I put my hands out and spun in circles, because under the warm stars of southern Utah, that's what I felt like doing.

St. George itself was nothing spectacular. We went to a movie. We both got to read some of our books, and mine was pretty dang funny. Andy slept in and I enjoyed the hot tub.

Lunch was fun though. We took a picnic lunch to a "park." This park was really just red rock formations that people were climbing all over. We climbed up on one to eat. After, we hiked up to the top of the largest rock for more pictures. We'd been making fun of this park for not even having a single bench or picnic table. Apparently we were on the wrong side of the park. On the other side of the large rock was a whole pavilion, nice parking lots, and a few other tables. Oops!

I am obsessed with the grass the grows around the red rock. It was almost blue in color. I was absolutely amazed at it growing in random patches on the red sand.
Top 5:
1. The sky on the way down
2. Andy saying 'bless you' after he burped (what???)
3. The excitement I felt watching a movie! (I miss AZ horse races...)
4. Picnic with out a coat on!
5. Reading with no distractions

It was nice to get away, even for such a short time.

Being an ACAD teacher

I was sitting in a college class flipping through my catalogue when I came upon a page listing the course requirements to be a Gifted/Talented teacher. I had never know you needed a certificate to teach G/T, but I knew immediately that I would earn that certificate. It became my goal.

I couldn't earn it with my BA because it was Master's level only. After my first year teaching, I signed up for the G/T program in my district through BYU. I asked my principal if he'd support me teaching G/T (our school didn't have a program) if I got certified. With his support, I attended classes every Monday for two years. Then, I earned my certification.

And they didn't start the program. For three years I asked to be start a G/T program, and for three years I was told no. Then, the district finally stepped in and said we would do it, and they decided to ask another teacher to get certified to teach it.

I applied at another school. I was hired, and given not only the G/T program, but yearbook, debate, department chair, and data specialist.

And this morning, I was once again reminded that this was the BEST move for me.

We finished reading a book, Nothing but the Truth. This books makes you angry. It doesn't end in any way happily. And I loved my students' reactions. They were angry! They understood the end and understood the implications of the characters' actions. And they could say, "That ending is awful, but I like it."

That makes an English teacher's soul so very, very happy.

I wasn't going to do a lot with the book. I was just using it to fill some space since my students are so far ahead of other classes. But, now I'm going to be a week behind because I can't just let it end today. I am so excited about my activities next week and the discussions I'll have with these kids.

Could this happen in a regular classroom? Yes. But it is far less likely that I'd have time for a "side-project" like this when we have to go so much slower through things.

I've been using really old copies of this book, since I've never used it for a whole class before. Three of the books are now in three separate pieces. I'm going to invest in a full classroom set now. This morning was totally worth it.

Once again, my soul is happy. 

A Treasure!

I've started writing my poetry blog. It is a collection of poems I've written through out my life. I see myself grow up in them. It was my soul's voice as a child and teenager.

Becoming Jamie: My Life in Poems

It has been fun relieving the memories that these poems were written to preserve.

But, I found the most amazing thing tonight! Years ago I put my poems into a sheet protectors, on pretty paper. I am now typing them into my blog. I pulled one out of the sleeve to see if I'd by chance written the date on the back. What I found instead was better- a note I'd written to myself when I put the poems into the book.

I had known my senior year in high school that I might forget the stories behind these poems, so I wrote myself notes and hid them behind the pages! They tell me why I wrote a lot of them. It is amazing. There were some poems I didn't remember the meaning to, but now I know!

I can't believe I forgot the notes, but I am so happy that I found them! I'll include them in the blog now.

Wasn't I smart at 17?

Our Song- Plain White T's

I heard this song for the first time today during my prep period. It was actually the first song that came onto Pandora when I sat down after lunch.  


It instantly reminded me of something I was told recently. No matter how nice some place is, and how long you live there, it doesn't mean that place is home. Some places are never home. 


And I was reminded of why I retired from my traveling job. I missed people too much. After five years of it, I realized the thrill I got from the airports wasn't worth the loneliness of the hotels. 


It isn't Music Monday, but this song touched me.

Plain White T’s – Our Song Lyrics
Sitting on this white bed its not the right bed, cause its not our bed
All alone in this hotel room, feels like a hell room, cause its not our room
I try to watch some TV, but its not easy, cause your not near me
I’m just feeling lonely I wanna go home
So if you hear me singing this song
I know your out there singing along
Its a love song and its the right song cause its our song
Trying to kill all my time all day and night time until its our time
If I had it my way I’d be on the highway straight to our driveway

I cant wait until I see you and get to feel you and kiss the real you
You know I need you, I wanna go home
So if you hear me singing this song
I know your out there singing along
Its a love song and its the right song cause its our song
I close my eyes (I close my eyes)
And there you are
Turn off the light (turn off the light)
And there you are
And in my dreams (and in my dreams)
We dance and sing to each other all night long and this is our song
I just want to make you happy
So come and grab me and love me madly
I want you so badly… I’m coming home
So if you hear me singing this song
I know your out there singing along
Its a love song and its the right song
If you hear me singing this song
I know your out there singing along
Its a love song and its the right song
Its the don’t give up without a fight song
Its an everything is alright song… cause its our song

Wonderful Wednesday

There were some absolutely great moments today.

1. My English students getting really in to the book we are reading
2. During prep period I did an assignment for a class I am taking, and it gave me an idea for an amazing project to do in my English classes
3. At lunch, I almost cooked and ate another teacher's food. I caught it too late... but no one will confess to it being their food. My friends know... but the rest of the school just wants to know why I want to know who had a hot pocket in the freezer. It is actually pretty funny.
4. Presented data to the faculty during our meeting. Felt very good about it.
5. Class with Cammie: priceless! It is hilarious!
6. Who doesn't enjoy getting a random text that says, "I love you."
7. Debate Finals are just awesome- my students are much better now than at the beginning of the term.
8. I'm sitting at home very happy and content.

My soul is happy.

Music Monday

If you get into a car after me, you'll probably wonder why I listen to my music so loudly. Confession: it is so I can drown out the noise in my own head. I'm always planning lessons in my head, holding conversations with people that aren't there, and imagining things that will never happen. Yes... I actually talk out loud to myself in my Mustang. In the Saturn, I don't as much because I'm convinced Andy had it bugged years ago. (hehehe... but only partially joking...)

This year, I actually have a commute to work (20 minutes down a beautiful road). I make it a point every morning and afternoon to STOP this insane thinking, and just enjoy cruising around the curves in my dream car. I turn up my radio, and flip around to the songs of my choice. It is my little piece of amazing every day.

And this song- always makes me happy. I never skip it. I scream it at the top of my lungs. I scream for all of my girl students that are in the middle of trying to find themselves. I scream it for all the adult women in my life, praying that they all know just how much they have to offer the world. I scream it for my nieces, hoping they can somehow hear me, and that they will hear me in the future when life gets much more complicated than it is for them now.

And I scream it for myself because I too am beautiful.

If you are reading this, I hope you know you are beautiful. 

The song of the day: Don't You Know You're Beautiful, Kellie Pickler

Hey little girl with your tangled hair, your tattered clothes
You're fifteen and you're about to bloom just like a rose
You're wishing that you had designer jeans
Like the ones you see in magazines
Now I know you' give anything just to fit in
But your worth ain't on a price tag, it comes from within

Don't you know you're beautiful
Don't you know you're beautiful
Don't you know you're beautiful
Just the way you are

Hey there little homecoming queen in that back seat
I'll bet his brown eyes are promising you everything
And I know you want to be just like your friends
But he'll still love you if you don't give in
But if those girls were being honest that have been where you're at
I' bet they' tell you they wish they had their innocence back

Don't you know you're beautiful
Don't you know you're beautiful
Don't you know you're beautiful
Just the way you are

So he left you for a girl that could be your twin
If you were 28 again
Let him go, let him fly
Keep your head up, get on with your life

Don't you know you're beautiful
Don't you know you're beautiful
Don't you know you're beautiful
Just the way you are

Conquering My Dreams

To really know me is to know I suffer from nightmares: full color, demented, real-feeling nightmares. I have for as long as I can remember. In August, I always have at least one dream where I forget to make the copies for the first day of school. Naked at school? Oh yeah- all the time. Oh, and my students routinely try to revolt and kill me. The week before yearbook day, let me know if you want a good laugh. People often try to murder me, friends and family betray me, and at least a few times a year I actually dream of my death.

These are the normal nightmares- the ones I am used to. In the dream, I am scared. In the dream I am frantic. When I wake up, I am shaking. Once I realize it was a dream, I am ok. I even laugh at my warped mind. Then I go back to sleep. Once or twice a year a dream really upsets me even after it was over, but those were more realistic dreams. Usually my dreams just made for fun lunchroom discussion as we tried to analyze the warped interior of myself.

Have I read into dreams? You bet! Usually I find things that say I have too much stress in my life (when I don't feel any), am scared of something (yes... I'm really scared my students will start hacking at me with pitchforks), or that I am lacking something in my life.

I do believe that my dreams are products of my subconscious; I just haven't usually understood where the problems come from. 

Another thing I've never been able to do is change my dreams or wake myself from them. A lot of people have suggested I try, but in my dreams I didn't realize it was a dream, so I couldn't wake up. They always seem real.

My dreams changed last May. In May, I could no longer say I didn't know the root of my nightmares. There was a clear answer: I began dreaming of his affair, or at least it began creeping into my nightmares.

The first one I had that related to the affair was the strangest. It was just after I had found out about the affair, and Andy was supposed to be moving out in the next few days. I was narrating my dream with a voice over. I showed up at "high school" and everyone was talking about mine and Andy's breakup. Another girl rubbed it in that he was "hers" now, even though he had just saved me from my car smashing into a wall (brakes were out). Then, I noticed that my body parts were all scattered around the lawn of the school- my skin, my bones, my eyes... I had been disassembled and thrown across the grass. Then a demon showed up in front of me- an ugly creature like Gollum in L.O.T.R. He explained that this is how he'd chosen for me to do die, because he had been killed to early by mistake. His compensation was he got to choose the next death, and he wanted mine to be horrible. Then he vanished in this bright light, and I was left staring at my bones. 

After that, the dreams were more normal, but more hurtful than usual, because they seemed to ring of truth. I dreamed of the actual affair; I dreamed Andy was telling me I'd ruined his life; I dreamed others were telling me how I'd deserved this in my life. At one point, in my dream, Andy sat me down at lunch and explained the new sex position he and her had tried that night before. And then, in my dreams she started coming to my house, trying to harm me- calling the cops on me, turning my neighbors into a mob against me, trying to kill me with a knife.

And these dreams disturbed me to my core. I woke up shaking and crying. I couldn't sleep after these dreams. I didn't want to sleep the next night, for fear of what I would dream. The girl used to having nightmares, was finally afraid of them. They were no longer based on unknown things- they were based on a very real, traumatic experience. I couldn't sleep. I even looked into PTSD, because the number one sign of having it is nightmares. 

So why write this down? Why write it now?

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HAD THOSE DREAMS IN ALMOST TWO MONTHS NOW! My normal nightmares have returned, and I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER!

The return of normal nightmares means a return of myself. It means the pain is subsiding- even in the depths of my warped subconscious, the pain is subsiding.


Certainly, I've had nightmares in the last two months. A few nights ago I had a dream where the city where I lived was going to flood- Noah & the ark type of flood- but we couldn't get out of the city. I was in the school where students had cleaned out their lockers and were just playing in the hallway- knowing they would soon die. The walls started to leak water. I knew there was a way to get everyone to safety, but no one would listen to me. I was running around trying to get people to come with me, but it was like no one heard me. Eventually the flood came...

No idea where that dream came from...

The best thing happened last night though- I had a dream where I was terrified- "damned to hell" terrified- but I knew it was a dream and woke myself up. I CONQUERED MY OWN NIGHTMARE, AND MADE IT END.

In my dream, I was working with a small group of advanced students. I was walking behind the couch where they were sitting, and noticed a pile of computer cords all over the floor. (This is actually very normal in my room... dumb story if you want to hear it.) As soon as I saw them, I got very dizzy and faint. I tried to walk away from it, but was almost pulled over the cords. I fainted, but could still tell what was going on around me. I couldn't talk or move, but I could tell that one of my students was calling for help on the phone. Then, I started to notice that I was actually being pulled by something- an unseen force. It was trying to pull me under the couch and down into the floor. There wasn't a hole in the floor- I was just sinking into it. In my mind I panicked and was overcome with this huge fear. I started to realize that every time I walked by the cords lately, I had felt faint. Something had been trying to get me... and it couldn't be friendly. I tried fighting and started to thrash around- telling myself, "Jamie, you can move, you can move, you can move." I was able to break free from the force that held me. Then, a gray, horned, skull-like woman approached me. She said I was going to hell, and she wasn't go to let me go. In my dream I realized that the devil was after me, and I had to fight it. I began kicking and screaming, but she was winning.

Then, I told myself, "Jamie... this is a scary dream. It is only a dream and all you have to do to win is wake up Jamie. Wake up Jamie... wake up Jamie..." and all of a sudden my dream faded into my bedroom. I was awake, and I was safe.

I conquered my nightmare last night. And I went back to sleep. Even all the dream theories are correct- that are nightmares are from our subconscious, then my subconscious must be believing that I can overcome anything, and that is something worth blogging about.

If you don't suffer from nightmares, you might not realize what a huge thing this is for me, but I promise... it is worthy of this post.

Sleep well.

What's in a name?

Shakespeare wrote, in the voice of Juliet-

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

This line seems to come into my mind a lot lately. What is in a name? Does it really matter what we are called? I'm finding out that a name means more than you would think.

I don't know my name. 


Legally, my name is Jamie Nicole James. But, for the last several months, since August, I've gone by Jamie Nicole Richmond. I did this for a simple reason. Every parent/teacher conference, at least five parents say to me, "I think your name, Jamie James, is so cute! Is it a married name? You must really love him to marry him with the last name James!"  Yeah- I wasn't going to live with THAT for the rest of forever.

Once I started going by my new name, I knew I was single again. I knew my life was about only myself and the decisions were all about me.


But now, I might stay married.


What is my name while this decision is in limbo? Am I Richmond still- holding out until everything is final? Or am I James, showing my commitment to that end?


I don't mean who am I in public.


At school, I will continue to go by Richmond because I refuse to cause my students and parents confusion. When I sign my credit card receipts I will be James, because I'm not going to the trouble of legally changing my name with so much up in the air.


When I am called Ms. Richmond, it is normal and simple. When I am called Jamie James, I feel happy but scared. Which is better?

Who am I to myself? 

How would the rose feel if we suddenly gave it a new name? 

Happiness

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.   - Joseph Addison

True happiness is of a retired nature, and an enemy to pomp and noise; it arises, in the first place, from the enjoyment of one's self, and in the next from the friendship and conversation of a few select companions.   - Joseph Addison

To live we must conquer incessantly, we must have the courage to be happy. - Henri Amriel

Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention.   

- Greg Anderson

Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. -Guillaume Apollinaire

It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy. - Lucille Ball

It is the paradox of life that the way to miss pleasure is to seek it first. The very first condition of lasting happiness is that a life should be full of purpose, aiming at something outside self. 

-Hugo Black

Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again -- this is the brave and happy life.  -J.E. Buckrose

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a person and life they lead. 

-Albert Camus

To have joy one must share it. Happiness was born a twin. - Lord Byron

That is happiness: to be dissolved into something complete and great. -Willa Cather

Happiness is a hard thing because it is achieved only by making others happy. -Stuart Cloeve

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. -Dalai Lama

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change. - Barbara De Angelis

Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold, happiness dwells in the soul. 

-Democritus

Happiness is like those palaces in fairy tales whose gates are guarded by dragons: we must fight in order to conquer it. -Alexander Dumas

To fill the hour -- that is happiness. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

  

When good things happen, don't question them. Just smile and enjoy it. - Jamie

             

Music Monday

If I Were a Boy- Reba

I have to say, if I were a boy, I would know exactly how to treat a woman.

If I Were A Boy lyrics
If I were a boy
even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
and I'd never get confronted for it
cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
so they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she'll be faithful,
waiting for me to come home, to come home.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
think i'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
you thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
and you don't understand, ohhhh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy

Reverb 2010

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?
- I wondered about the world. I went on walks, and noticed things.

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
- I let go of the thought of revenge, and of hating.  I had to or these negative thoughts would have consumed me. As I let them go, room opened up for much more happiness.

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?
- I made scrapbook pages for my scrapbook exchange club. I used "block" paper and my Cricut machine. It also took a lot of glue, and a lot more time that I'd originally imagined.


December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010?
I found a community in my new school. I had been told that the relationships and relationships found at my old school only existed at my old school- but the truth it, I've found that at my new school. It was amazing how this community formed so quickly.

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.
- I don't know. I am still searching for that which makes me special.

December 9 – Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.
- Wendover in the middle of the night? Snowflake's reunion at the bar?

December 10 – Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?
- Wow- I made two of the largest decisions of my life this year. I guess the one that has already proven to be wise was the decision to move to Vista Heights. I have been given great opportunities that I don't believe I would have been given had I stayed at Oak Canyon. I am department chair, a GT teacher, Yearbook adviser, and data specialist. I am a mentor... and I love it.

December 11 – 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?
- Stress- I'm going on more happiness walks and spending more time listening to music. This will allow me to be happier.
- Worry- I'm focusing on just having faith that things will work out. I read the Bible often.
- Procrastinating my grading- this will decrease my stress
- Posters in the trunk of my car :)  - this will allow me to fit things in my trunk again
- Dust- my house just grows it, but I'm on a regular cleaning schedule...
- Bright Ideas supplies in my office & bedroom - less clutter just makes me feel better
- Piles of unfolded laundry
- 4 more???   I'm not even going to stress about it... I cleaned out a lot of things in my life in 2010

December 12 – Body Integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?
- My trip to Arizona- everything was just perfect.

December 13 – Action. When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?
-I'm in the middle of getting my ELL endorsement, which will help me get my National Certification. My next step is to actually apply...  

December 14 – Appreciate. What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?
- I appreciate God much more. I am so blessed in ways that I can't even describe. I pray and thank God much more than I ever have in the past.

December 15 – 5 Minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.
- I want to remember driving to Arizona and hanging out with Misti. I want to remember the road trip will CJ and Ellie and the great friends/family that we saw along the way. I want to remember Texas and Kyra and her family. I want to remember Kim and the great times I've had talking with her this year. I want to remember New Jersey and my family there. I want to remember game nights with my family. I want to remember the feeling of being perfectly happy with myself and my life, and not wondering what the future will bring. I want to remember the good moments with Andy. I want to remember the support I felt from family and friends in the darkest moment. And then- I think I'll forget the rest of this year with delight.

December 16 – Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?
A friend- actually many friends- made me see that it is ok to feel sad and to hurt. It is ok to admit things are not ok, and to take the time to cry and wallow. Feeling that, and allowing myself to feel that, does not say anything bad about me. What matters is how I handle it when the feeling passes, and how I treat others while I am sad. It took along time for me to really accept this, and it was the joint effort on so many of my friends...

December 17 – Lesson Learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?
I learned that I am completely ok on my own. I can take care of myself. I can be happy alone. I can accomplish things on my own. I learned that I do not need a "relationship" to be whole.

December 18 – Try. What do you want to try next year?
I want to try to get to Europe.

December 19 – Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution?
God healed me this year. He helped me find peace. It took a little while, but I was healed.

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing?
I should have dealt with the situation with Andy before it became what I became. I was too scared of hurting him to really deal with it, and instead I was hurt. I won't keep quiet again.

December 21 – Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead?
I already wrote a note to myself 10 years from now. Five years from now? I think I'd just tell myself to go on a happiness walk, or to roll down the windows as I drive.

December 22 – Travel How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? I went to New Jersey twice. I road tripped to San Francisco, Portland, and Washington with CJ & Ellie. I went to Phoenix and Houston. In 2011, I'm going to Europe.

December 23 – New Name Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?
- It is strange how much our name identifies who we are. For the last month I've felt like I don't know my own name, and I don't know how to introduce myself to new people. I've pretty much quit using my last name. If, just for a day, I could use another name- I'd just go by JJ for a day. I wouldn't need a last name, and I wouldn't need an explanation.

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?
Dancing in the rain on the way home from Arizona. I knew in that moment that I would be ok- and it is proof in my heart that I am ok. And as long as I am ok, the world can throw anything it wants at me.

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be.
- I think the fact that are are so few photos of this year is more significant than any one photo can be. This year was not about making memories that would be preserved forever. This year was about living in a moment, and in a moment only. I am letting go of the past, and therefor didn't preserve it in photos.


December 26 – Soul Food What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul? I will never forget eating.... whatever. I don't care about food. I really have no memory of anything special. Well- maybe the discovery that I really like Chili's burgers.


December 27 – Ordinary Joy Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?
I have found joy in just walking around my neighborhood actually. There are flowers, and kids, and people smiling. Happiness walks are my profound joy.

December 28 – Achieve What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.
This next year, I want to achieve calm. I want to not be in a crazy mind-whirl so often. How can I achieve that right now?
- Write a blog
- read a book
- Scrapbook
- Grade papers
- Clean my house
- Happiness walk
- Cruise with the music blaring
- Work out
- Play with my dogs
- Tell myself to stop worrying

December 29 – Defining Moment Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.
-Well, let's say the obvious. May 7- confronting Andrew about the photo I found online.. him getting angry... me leaving town... finding the email... saying I wanted a divorce... buying the Mustang... leaving on my road trip... him packing his bags... throwing picture frames at my wall... buying decorations to cover the hole in my wall... redecorating my house... spending all summer traveling... going to church when I got home... hanging out with friends more... spending time with Andy without stress... finding joy in myself... being happy. :)

December 30 – Gift Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?
I was given the gift of forgiveness. I am forgiven and saved.

December 31 – Core Story What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?
- I don't know my core story. I think if I learned anything this year it is that I am still evolving and that I am still discovering what I have to offer the world. It is big- it will make a difference, but I am not yet ready to share it.