Thanks to a friend's blog, I found reverb10. It gives prompts to help you reflect over your year. And, since 2010 is going to go down as an extremely life altering year, I figure this would be a good thing to do. Now, it is supposed to be done once a day for the month of December. I'm obviously starting late- 31 prompts in 12 days? Let's try 3 a day-
December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)
Change: my personal life, my job, my car, my house, myself. What hasn't changed?
What do I want my word to be in 2011? Bliss.
December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)
I don't get this prompt because I don't value writing daily. However- what gets in the way of me doing what I love? Worrying about my future. I want answers and when I don't have them I am distracted from everything else. I know it will all work out, and I am working on putting my worries in God's hands.
December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)
Mud splashed onto my jeans as a jumped into the puddle that was on the side of a Utah back road. Raindrops drenched my head and outstretched arms. I twirled in the puddle as fast as I could, until I was so dizzy I almost fell over. Then, I jumped- up and down, up and down- over and over. Water soaked my jeans up to me knees. I paused, and looked up at the sky. I opened my mouth, and I screamed. I screamed at the top of my lungs- not caring who heard me.
My scream echoed off the rolling green hills nearby. I snickered when I saw the cows- perfectly ignoring me. I wiped the rain from my face and smiled. As I walked back to my Mustang, my flip-flops squeaked. I got back in my car, and continued driving home from Arizona.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Music Monday
I heard this song for the first time on the way home today. I had to laugh, because, well- more of a few things are me. (Ignore the chorus- focus on the versus)
Blake Shelton- Who are you when I'm not lookin'?
My oh my, you're so good-looking
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends
But I've not tasted all your cooking
Who are you when I'm not looking?
Do you pour a little something on the rocks?
Slide down the hallway in your socks?
When you undress, do you leave a path?
Then sink to your nose in a bubble bath?
My oh my, you're so good-looking
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends
But I've not tasted all your cooking
Who are you when I'm not looking?
I wanna know
I wanna know
I wanna know
Do you break things when you get mad?
Eat a box of chocolates 'cause you're feelin' bad?
Do you paint your toes 'cause you bite your nails?
Call up momma when all else fails?
Who are you when I'm not around?
When the door is locked and the shades are down?
Do you listen to your music quietly?
And when it feels just right, are you thinkin' of me?
Blake Shelton- Who are you when I'm not lookin'?
My oh my, you're so good-looking
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends
But I've not tasted all your cooking
Who are you when I'm not looking?
Do you pour a little something on the rocks?
Slide down the hallway in your socks?
When you undress, do you leave a path?
Then sink to your nose in a bubble bath?
My oh my, you're so good-looking
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends
But I've not tasted all your cooking
Who are you when I'm not looking?
I wanna know
I wanna know
I wanna know
Do you break things when you get mad?
Eat a box of chocolates 'cause you're feelin' bad?
Do you paint your toes 'cause you bite your nails?
Call up momma when all else fails?
Who are you when I'm not around?
When the door is locked and the shades are down?
Do you listen to your music quietly?
And when it feels just right, are you thinkin' of me?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Metacognition: Thinking about my own thinking
To explain this blog, I first quote Eat, Pray, Love and Elizabeth Gilbert's description of her mind's enemies: Depression & Loneliness.
"Depression and Loneliness track me down after about ten days in Italy. ...
They come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Detectives, and they flank me- Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right. They don't need to show me their badges. I know these guys very well. We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now...
I say to them, "How did you find me here? Who told you I had come to Rome?"
Depression, always the wise guy, says, "What- you're not happy to see us?"
"Go away," I tell him.
Loneliness, the more sensitve cop, says "I'm sorry ma'am. But I might have to tail you the whole time you're travelling. It's my assignment."
"I'd really rather you didn't," I tell him, and he shrugs almost apologetically, but only moves closer.
Then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then Loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread because it always goes on for hours. He's polite but relentless, and he always trips me up eventually. He asks if I have any reason to be happy that I know of. He asks why I am all by myself tonight, yet again. He asks (though we've been through this line of questioning hundreds of times already) why I can't keep a relationship going, why I ruined my marriage, why I messed things up with David, why I messed things up with every man I've ever been with. He asks me where I was the night I turned thirty, and why things have gone so sour since then. He asks why I can't get my act together, and why I'm not at home living in a nice house and raising nice children like any respectable woman my age should be. He asks why, ecaxtly, I think I deserve a vacation in Rome when I've made such a rubble of my life. He asks me why I think that running away to Italy lika college kid will make me happy. He asks where I think I'll end up on my old age, if I keep living this way.
I walk back home, hoping to shake them, but they keep following me, these two goons. Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness harangues me with his interrogation. I don't even bother eating dinner; I don't want them watching me. I don't want to let them up the stairs to my apartment, either, but I know Depression, and he's got a billy club, so there's no stopping him from coming in if he decides that he wants to."
I was thinking about this early in the morning, as my own mental enemies showed up, Guilt and Worry have hunted me down again this week. They creep into my house in the middle of the night, and somehow sneak past the dogs. (I can only hope they'll be better watch dogs if a robber ever shows up.)
Guilt always comes first to remind me of all my flaws. Guilt points out that obviously I'm not doing absolutely everything possible to overcome them, because I'm still flawed.
Guilt comes into my dreams as lost students that I can't find. He morphs into friends and family members that chant, "You ruined my life..." Last night he arrived as a forgotten pet that died of starvation and became a fly eating zombie.
Guilt gives no credit for effort. Guilt doesn't care about the "Hindsight is 20/20" idea. Guilt follows no statute of limitations.
Worry always tags in. Just as I develop a plan to conquer Guilt, Worry points out all the things that MIGHT go wrong. There is always the possibility of hurting others. And Worry chants, "Is getting rid of Guilt worth it? You MIGHT hurt another, but you'll save yourself!"
And Guilt tags back in.
I think Worry sets this up to guarantee they both get to hang around. (Maybe Worry has a crush on Guilt?)
I think it is time for Guilt and Worry to take a vacation. :)
"Depression and Loneliness track me down after about ten days in Italy. ...
They come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Detectives, and they flank me- Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right. They don't need to show me their badges. I know these guys very well. We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now...
I say to them, "How did you find me here? Who told you I had come to Rome?"
Depression, always the wise guy, says, "What- you're not happy to see us?"
"Go away," I tell him.
Loneliness, the more sensitve cop, says "I'm sorry ma'am. But I might have to tail you the whole time you're travelling. It's my assignment."
"I'd really rather you didn't," I tell him, and he shrugs almost apologetically, but only moves closer.
Then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then Loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread because it always goes on for hours. He's polite but relentless, and he always trips me up eventually. He asks if I have any reason to be happy that I know of. He asks why I am all by myself tonight, yet again. He asks (though we've been through this line of questioning hundreds of times already) why I can't keep a relationship going, why I ruined my marriage, why I messed things up with David, why I messed things up with every man I've ever been with. He asks me where I was the night I turned thirty, and why things have gone so sour since then. He asks why I can't get my act together, and why I'm not at home living in a nice house and raising nice children like any respectable woman my age should be. He asks why, ecaxtly, I think I deserve a vacation in Rome when I've made such a rubble of my life. He asks me why I think that running away to Italy lika college kid will make me happy. He asks where I think I'll end up on my old age, if I keep living this way.
I walk back home, hoping to shake them, but they keep following me, these two goons. Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness harangues me with his interrogation. I don't even bother eating dinner; I don't want them watching me. I don't want to let them up the stairs to my apartment, either, but I know Depression, and he's got a billy club, so there's no stopping him from coming in if he decides that he wants to."
I was thinking about this early in the morning, as my own mental enemies showed up, Guilt and Worry have hunted me down again this week. They creep into my house in the middle of the night, and somehow sneak past the dogs. (I can only hope they'll be better watch dogs if a robber ever shows up.)
Guilt always comes first to remind me of all my flaws. Guilt points out that obviously I'm not doing absolutely everything possible to overcome them, because I'm still flawed.
Guilt comes into my dreams as lost students that I can't find. He morphs into friends and family members that chant, "You ruined my life..." Last night he arrived as a forgotten pet that died of starvation and became a fly eating zombie.
Guilt gives no credit for effort. Guilt doesn't care about the "Hindsight is 20/20" idea. Guilt follows no statute of limitations.
Worry always tags in. Just as I develop a plan to conquer Guilt, Worry points out all the things that MIGHT go wrong. There is always the possibility of hurting others. And Worry chants, "Is getting rid of Guilt worth it? You MIGHT hurt another, but you'll save yourself!"
And Guilt tags back in.
I think Worry sets this up to guarantee they both get to hang around. (Maybe Worry has a crush on Guilt?)
I think it is time for Guilt and Worry to take a vacation. :)
My Funny Little Curse
Yup! I'm cursed. It is official. I'd hoped it was Oak Canyon, but the Curse of the Yearbook Hoody followed me to Vista Heights.
Follow me...
2004: Ordered yearbook hoodies from a company. Told: two weeks. Three weeks later, not done. Promised the next day. Next day? Not done. Promised the next day. Called the next day in the morning. I was told they were being printed, and would be ready in an hour. I went down to pick them up 4 hours later- and they hadn't even started! I was there for almost two hours... waiting.
2006: Yearbook hoodies ordered, promised two weeks. (Different company) Three weeks later? Not there. Needed for pictures in three days. Company owner's daughter ends up in hospital. Hoodies are delivered morning of pictures with the FRONT done, but have to be returned for the back to get done later. Five hoodies printed incorrectly.
2007: Yearbook hoodies ordered, promised two weeks (Different company). Three weeks later- not done. Art file hadn't transferred- but they hadn't mentioned it to me. Resent art file in different format. Hoodies arrive two weeks later.
2008: Yearbook hoodies ordered from original company (no one else was any good!) Three weeks later called because machine had blown up- would be another week at least to get hoodies. Created our own artwork and printing files. Charged double art fee because... no one could tell me why. Took weeks to straighten out the bill.
2009: Yearbook hoodies ordered (NEW company) and promised two weeks. No problem with art work. In less than two weeks- they were done. Went to pick them up- WRONG COLOR!
2010: Yearbook hoodies ordered (Same company as last year...). Next day phone call: Because of Breast Cancer month, no pink hoodies are available. Change colors. Redo the order. Less than two weeks later- DONE! Wrong font. Ug...
Any guesses on what will happen next year?
Or maybe it is time for me to just say, "No, we are not going to order hoodies for Yearbook."
Follow me...
2004: Ordered yearbook hoodies from a company. Told: two weeks. Three weeks later, not done. Promised the next day. Next day? Not done. Promised the next day. Called the next day in the morning. I was told they were being printed, and would be ready in an hour. I went down to pick them up 4 hours later- and they hadn't even started! I was there for almost two hours... waiting.
2006: Yearbook hoodies ordered, promised two weeks. (Different company) Three weeks later? Not there. Needed for pictures in three days. Company owner's daughter ends up in hospital. Hoodies are delivered morning of pictures with the FRONT done, but have to be returned for the back to get done later. Five hoodies printed incorrectly.
2007: Yearbook hoodies ordered, promised two weeks (Different company). Three weeks later- not done. Art file hadn't transferred- but they hadn't mentioned it to me. Resent art file in different format. Hoodies arrive two weeks later.
2008: Yearbook hoodies ordered from original company (no one else was any good!) Three weeks later called because machine had blown up- would be another week at least to get hoodies. Created our own artwork and printing files. Charged double art fee because... no one could tell me why. Took weeks to straighten out the bill.
2009: Yearbook hoodies ordered (NEW company) and promised two weeks. No problem with art work. In less than two weeks- they were done. Went to pick them up- WRONG COLOR!
2010: Yearbook hoodies ordered (Same company as last year...). Next day phone call: Because of Breast Cancer month, no pink hoodies are available. Change colors. Redo the order. Less than two weeks later- DONE! Wrong font. Ug...
Any guesses on what will happen next year?
Or maybe it is time for me to just say, "No, we are not going to order hoodies for Yearbook."
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Things I forget, but want to remember...
Sometimes, I do something that I've done before, and it is like I'm experiencing it for the first time. It makes me giddy happy. When it is done, I always ask myself, "Why don't I do this more often?"
So, this is my reminder blog- things that I overlook but that bring me joy.
1. Grading papers at Denny's. (Or reading...)
2. Playing with my dogs (My poor, poor dogs are neglected too often...)
3. Manual labor- snow shoveling, sorting food, etc.
4. Watching a sports event, and getting into it
5. Turning on my Christmas lights (PS- I added more ornaments tonight, and it looks so much better)
6. Baths- with music and books (Hmmm.... I think my plans tonight are canceled so....)
7. Wii fit or DDR
8. Scrapbooking & cross-stitching
9. Reading a book
10. Breaded pork chops
11. Walks in the mountains
12. Smelling roses in stores
And I know there are so many more... but the whole point of this blog is to remind me of things I too often forget, and well... there are obviously things I haven't remembered yet. :)
So, this is my reminder blog- things that I overlook but that bring me joy.
1. Grading papers at Denny's. (Or reading...)
2. Playing with my dogs (My poor, poor dogs are neglected too often...)
3. Manual labor- snow shoveling, sorting food, etc.
4. Watching a sports event, and getting into it
5. Turning on my Christmas lights (PS- I added more ornaments tonight, and it looks so much better)
6. Baths- with music and books (Hmmm.... I think my plans tonight are canceled so....)
7. Wii fit or DDR
8. Scrapbooking & cross-stitching
9. Reading a book
10. Breaded pork chops
11. Walks in the mountains
12. Smelling roses in stores
And I know there are so many more... but the whole point of this blog is to remind me of things I too often forget, and well... there are obviously things I haven't remembered yet. :)
Saturday, December 4, 2010
:)
Tornado
Hurricane
Spinning in the same circles
Over and over
Wondering
Analyzing
Repeating the same bad thoughts
Over and over
Sunrise
Rainbows
Bringing hope to all watchers
Again and again
Questions
Answers
Smiling with realizations
Again and again
I am just so happy, peaceful, calm, assured, confident, and thankful tonight. And, I'm going to enjoy every minute of this feeling. :)
Hurricane
Spinning in the same circles
Over and over
Wondering
Analyzing
Repeating the same bad thoughts
Over and over
Sunrise
Rainbows
Bringing hope to all watchers
Again and again
Questions
Answers
Smiling with realizations
Again and again
I am just so happy, peaceful, calm, assured, confident, and thankful tonight. And, I'm going to enjoy every minute of this feeling. :)
Saturday's Super Seven
Seven super things about my Saturday-
1. Breakfast with my dad- always nice
2. Honest conversations :)
3. My homemade lasagna was REALLY good tonight!
4. I got to help someone. It was little... but it helped.
5. I started reading Count of Monte Cristo- finally!
6. Watched a fun movie with Andy
7. Got to drive my Mustang for the first time since last Sunday.
I feel so blessed right now. Life gets more peaceful all the time. :)
1. Breakfast with my dad- always nice
2. Honest conversations :)
3. My homemade lasagna was REALLY good tonight!
4. I got to help someone. It was little... but it helped.
5. I started reading Count of Monte Cristo- finally!
6. Watched a fun movie with Andy
7. Got to drive my Mustang for the first time since last Sunday.
I feel so blessed right now. Life gets more peaceful all the time. :)
Monday, November 29, 2010
Music Monday
Today's song is on an old CD I recently started listening to again. I remember not liking this song when I first heard it, but recently it has grown on me. It reminds of the innocence of childhood, and the importance of believing and dreaming. Who can be sad when they are believing in fairies?
When I was a kid I wrote "songs" all the time. I remember the first verse to one I wrote when I was about 11. It had this same theme:
Unicorns and fairies, elves and little gnomes,
Live in the storybooks on my shelves back home,
Witches and dragons always scared me,
But I miss those adventures, I miss the fantasy.
Looking back I find it interesting that even at 11 I knew someday I would look back on the fairy tales of childhood and find value in them.
I think I believe more now than I ever did as a child.
What's wrong with believing in Santa Clause: the unselfish giving to others.
What's wrong with believing in elves & fairies: anonymous acts of service to others
What's wrong with believing in unicorns: beauty is seen by those with a good heart
What's wrong with chasing rainbows: their is good in every storm
Faith Hill: Fireflies
Before you met me I was a fairy princess
I caught frogs and called them prince
And made myself a queen
And before you knew me I'd traveled 'round the world
And I slept in castles
And fell in love
Because I was taught to dream
I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture Tinker Bell
And they were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But I could always tell
Cause I believe in fairy tales
And dreamer's dreams
Like bedsheet sails
And I believe in Peter Pan
And miracles, anything I can to get by
And fireflies
Now before I grew up I saw you on a cloud
And I could bless myself in your name
And pat you on your wings
And before I grew up I heard you whisper so loud
Well life is hard and so is love
Child, believe in all these things
I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture Tinker Bell
And they were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But I could always tell
Cause I believe in fairy tales
And dreamer's dreams
Like bedsheet sails
And I believe in Peter Pan
And miracles, anything I can to get by . . .
And fireflies
And fireflies . . .
Before you met me I was a fairy princess
I caught frogs and called them prince
And made myself a queen
And before you knew me I'd traveled 'round the world
And I slept in castles
And fell in love
Because I was taught to dream
When I was a kid I wrote "songs" all the time. I remember the first verse to one I wrote when I was about 11. It had this same theme:
Unicorns and fairies, elves and little gnomes,
Live in the storybooks on my shelves back home,
Witches and dragons always scared me,
But I miss those adventures, I miss the fantasy.
Looking back I find it interesting that even at 11 I knew someday I would look back on the fairy tales of childhood and find value in them.
I think I believe more now than I ever did as a child.
What's wrong with believing in Santa Clause: the unselfish giving to others.
What's wrong with believing in elves & fairies: anonymous acts of service to others
What's wrong with believing in unicorns: beauty is seen by those with a good heart
What's wrong with chasing rainbows: their is good in every storm
Faith Hill: Fireflies
Before you met me I was a fairy princess
I caught frogs and called them prince
And made myself a queen
And before you knew me I'd traveled 'round the world
And I slept in castles
And fell in love
Because I was taught to dream
I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture Tinker Bell
And they were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But I could always tell
Cause I believe in fairy tales
And dreamer's dreams
Like bedsheet sails
And I believe in Peter Pan
And miracles, anything I can to get by
And fireflies
Now before I grew up I saw you on a cloud
And I could bless myself in your name
And pat you on your wings
And before I grew up I heard you whisper so loud
Well life is hard and so is love
Child, believe in all these things
I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture Tinker Bell
And they were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But I could always tell
Cause I believe in fairy tales
And dreamer's dreams
Like bedsheet sails
And I believe in Peter Pan
And miracles, anything I can to get by . . .
And fireflies
And fireflies . . .
Before you met me I was a fairy princess
I caught frogs and called them prince
And made myself a queen
And before you knew me I'd traveled 'round the world
And I slept in castles
And fell in love
Because I was taught to dream
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Revenge speaks
Sometimes, I'd like to gather everyone who has wronged me into an auditorium. I'd like to line them up on stage in front of all their friends and family. And I would stand at a microphone, and call out their deeds. I would not tell lies or even give my opinions. I would simply list what they did, and how those actions changed my life.
"You... you are the reason my door is locked, even when I'm home in the middle of the day."
"You... you are the reason I've made my blog private and changed all my settings on Facebook."
"You... you are the reason I don't go to drive-in movies."
"You... you are the reason..."
In my mind, everyone in the audience would BOO these people. Then, these people would feel bad for what they have done, and they will practically thank me for pointing out their flaws so that they can change.
And I know that this fantasy is completely unrealistic.
Even if given the chance, I know I would never do this or call them out in any other way for several reasons.
First, I know it would make no difference. If a person needs their flaws pointed out, they probably wouldn't believe them. (Like the woman at Disney on Ice who acknowledged she was being rude, but still said she refused to change her behavior.)
Second, I refuse to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing their hurtful actions changed me. They don't deserve to have that power. (When all a person wants is a reaction- why give it to them?)
Third, I realize that what I am saying is not completely true...
I am the reason I lock my doors. (I am a woman living alone- I want to be safe, not stupid.)
I am the reason I made my blog private. (I don't want to worry about saying something that will hurt a person I know used to read this.)
I am the reason I don't go to drive-ins or see certain movies. (I know it will conjure up memories that I'd rather not relive.)
So, even though I have moments when I'd like to blame others and take my revenge, I'll keep this in my imagination.
And as a small post on my blog. :) (At least I didn't name names right?)
P.S. If you can actually read this, you would NOT be standing on that stage.
"You... you are the reason my door is locked, even when I'm home in the middle of the day."
"You... you are the reason I've made my blog private and changed all my settings on Facebook."
"You... you are the reason I don't go to drive-in movies."
"You... you are the reason..."
In my mind, everyone in the audience would BOO these people. Then, these people would feel bad for what they have done, and they will practically thank me for pointing out their flaws so that they can change.
And I know that this fantasy is completely unrealistic.
Even if given the chance, I know I would never do this or call them out in any other way for several reasons.
First, I know it would make no difference. If a person needs their flaws pointed out, they probably wouldn't believe them. (Like the woman at Disney on Ice who acknowledged she was being rude, but still said she refused to change her behavior.)
Second, I refuse to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing their hurtful actions changed me. They don't deserve to have that power. (When all a person wants is a reaction- why give it to them?)
Third, I realize that what I am saying is not completely true...
I am the reason I lock my doors. (I am a woman living alone- I want to be safe, not stupid.)
I am the reason I made my blog private. (I don't want to worry about saying something that will hurt a person I know used to read this.)
I am the reason I don't go to drive-ins or see certain movies. (I know it will conjure up memories that I'd rather not relive.)
So, even though I have moments when I'd like to blame others and take my revenge, I'll keep this in my imagination.
And as a small post on my blog. :) (At least I didn't name names right?)
P.S. If you can actually read this, you would NOT be standing on that stage.
Sunday's Scripture
A little story of my faith-
When I first met Andy, he told me a story that I honestly, barely remember. However, it ended with a man (who had questions) being told to just open the Bible, and he would find his answer. The man opened to a random page, and read the perfect verse for his situation.
I've never forgotten that last part, but I remember not really believing Andy at the time.
Fast forward five years. I was miserable, depressed, sad, angry, confused, and a whole bunch of other negative emotions. It was the middle of the night and I was home alone- crying in my misery. I was wondering why I couldn't be happy in my perfect life. I wanted my misery to end, but I didn't know how to make that happen.
And in my head, I heard Andy's voice, "Just open the Bible, and you will find the answer."
I opened to a random page, and started reading.
Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
I repeated those words over and over again until I fell asleep. And the next day, I was at peace. Shortly after, it was discovered (by a completely random mistake!) that the medication I was taking was causing severe depression. I quit taking it, and have never again felt the misery I felt that night.
I am not saying I have not felt depressed, sad, angry, confused, etc. Anyone who knows me knows that I have had my share of heartache since that time. I would being lying if I tried to say I've always felt peace. I can say honestly, I've never felt as miserable as I did that night. When I'm broken now, in the back of my mind I am comforted knowing it will not last. With God's grace, I will be healed.
As a side note, I don't know that this method is approved for finding God's answers. I've actually read an article that said just randomly opening the Bible to hope for an answer is a bad things to do. So, if you are offended by my post, I'm sorry.
I know this: it worked for me that night. It worked for me this summer. It worked for me just last week. I know that it will work for me in the in the future when I truly need an answer. I am thankful for that knowledge.
When I first met Andy, he told me a story that I honestly, barely remember. However, it ended with a man (who had questions) being told to just open the Bible, and he would find his answer. The man opened to a random page, and read the perfect verse for his situation.
I've never forgotten that last part, but I remember not really believing Andy at the time.
Fast forward five years. I was miserable, depressed, sad, angry, confused, and a whole bunch of other negative emotions. It was the middle of the night and I was home alone- crying in my misery. I was wondering why I couldn't be happy in my perfect life. I wanted my misery to end, but I didn't know how to make that happen.
And in my head, I heard Andy's voice, "Just open the Bible, and you will find the answer."
I opened to a random page, and started reading.
Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
I repeated those words over and over again until I fell asleep. And the next day, I was at peace. Shortly after, it was discovered (by a completely random mistake!) that the medication I was taking was causing severe depression. I quit taking it, and have never again felt the misery I felt that night.
I am not saying I have not felt depressed, sad, angry, confused, etc. Anyone who knows me knows that I have had my share of heartache since that time. I would being lying if I tried to say I've always felt peace. I can say honestly, I've never felt as miserable as I did that night. When I'm broken now, in the back of my mind I am comforted knowing it will not last. With God's grace, I will be healed.
As a side note, I don't know that this method is approved for finding God's answers. I've actually read an article that said just randomly opening the Bible to hope for an answer is a bad things to do. So, if you are offended by my post, I'm sorry.
I know this: it worked for me that night. It worked for me this summer. It worked for me just last week. I know that it will work for me in the in the future when I truly need an answer. I am thankful for that knowledge.
Patting myself on the back...
I know this sounds like bragging, and I know that is not an attractive quality, but I'm going to brag a little anyway. If you are reading this, I trust you are my friend or you wouldn't have received an invite from me.
So, as my friends, please understand and be forgiving of my boasting. I promise I won't do it all the time.
I shoveled my own walk today. This really shouldn't be a big deal, and it isn't. However, to me it is. Shoveling the walk was Andy's job- not mine. But I did it.
Every time I do one of these things, I smile because it is one more sign that I am ok. (Granted, I know all the time that I'm ok, but I LOVE these little reminders.) I'm talking about the things that have to happen to survive and be a productive adult.
When Andy moved out in June, I was really scared of all the things I would have to do. The first night he left I started to re-arrange furniture, and got my cedar chest stuck in my bedroom doorway when the flooring changed. I started to panic, and felt very much like I might not be able to survive in my own house. But, I took a deep breath, and realized if I put it on a blanket, I could slide it easily across the room.
I mowed my own lawn this summer. I've hung my own pictures and removed my own dead mouse. I drove myself to Arizona, and pumped my own gas at very strange places! :) (Today I'm going to change my own windshield wiper because I broke the last one off this morning. Oops!) I pay my own bills. I cook my own meals. I bathe my own dogs. I move my own furniture to clean under it. I even lifted my own TV to put a table cloth under it.
I want it to be clear- I don't do everything on my own. But, I also no longer panic when I can't do something. I know how to ask for help. Do I change my own oil? No, but I buy the stuff and make arrangements for it to get done. Do I know how to turn on my own heater? No, but I know how to stay warm by getting extra blankets until I can get someone to turn it on for me. (Yes... I admit, this year a little "fairy" came and turned it on before I had a chance to take care of it myself. Not my fault.)
Why am I so happy about this? Because it proves that I really can do anything on my own. I can survive on my own and don't "need a man" in my life to do it for me.
And this is valuable information moving forward. When we don't need another person to survive, it frees us to make decisions based on desire, not fear. It frees us to follow our hearts and souls.
It frees me to make the decision I want to make- not a decision I feel I have to make. And that, is a good feeling. :)
So, as my friends, please understand and be forgiving of my boasting. I promise I won't do it all the time.
I shoveled my own walk today. This really shouldn't be a big deal, and it isn't. However, to me it is. Shoveling the walk was Andy's job- not mine. But I did it.
Every time I do one of these things, I smile because it is one more sign that I am ok. (Granted, I know all the time that I'm ok, but I LOVE these little reminders.) I'm talking about the things that have to happen to survive and be a productive adult.
When Andy moved out in June, I was really scared of all the things I would have to do. The first night he left I started to re-arrange furniture, and got my cedar chest stuck in my bedroom doorway when the flooring changed. I started to panic, and felt very much like I might not be able to survive in my own house. But, I took a deep breath, and realized if I put it on a blanket, I could slide it easily across the room.
I mowed my own lawn this summer. I've hung my own pictures and removed my own dead mouse. I drove myself to Arizona, and pumped my own gas at very strange places! :) (Today I'm going to change my own windshield wiper because I broke the last one off this morning. Oops!) I pay my own bills. I cook my own meals. I bathe my own dogs. I move my own furniture to clean under it. I even lifted my own TV to put a table cloth under it.
I want it to be clear- I don't do everything on my own. But, I also no longer panic when I can't do something. I know how to ask for help. Do I change my own oil? No, but I buy the stuff and make arrangements for it to get done. Do I know how to turn on my own heater? No, but I know how to stay warm by getting extra blankets until I can get someone to turn it on for me. (Yes... I admit, this year a little "fairy" came and turned it on before I had a chance to take care of it myself. Not my fault.)
Why am I so happy about this? Because it proves that I really can do anything on my own. I can survive on my own and don't "need a man" in my life to do it for me.
And this is valuable information moving forward. When we don't need another person to survive, it frees us to make decisions based on desire, not fear. It frees us to follow our hearts and souls.
It frees me to make the decision I want to make- not a decision I feel I have to make. And that, is a good feeling. :)
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Saturday's Super Seven
Seven Super things about my Saturday-
1. I got to wake up to a phone call from my parents instead of my annoying alarm.
2. I got to start the morning eating breakfast with my parents.
3. Andy came to visit, and we had a good time.
4. Harry Potter 7, part 1!!!
5. Some papers got graded, some work got done
6. My door doesn't leak as much air as it did before (Thanks Dad!)
7. I slept all night long!
1. I got to wake up to a phone call from my parents instead of my annoying alarm.
2. I got to start the morning eating breakfast with my parents.
3. Andy came to visit, and we had a good time.
4. Harry Potter 7, part 1!!!
5. Some papers got graded, some work got done
6. My door doesn't leak as much air as it did before (Thanks Dad!)
7. I slept all night long!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Words that mean something to me...
Here you go Katie! Words that invoke reaction in my soul...
Nobility- The state or quality of being exalted in character.
Integrity- adherence to moral principles; honesty
Compassion- the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it
Adventure- Participation in hazardous or exciting experiences
Intelligence- The capacity to acquire and apply knowledge.
Humanity- The quality of being humane; benevolence.
Arizona- A state of the southwest United States
Lightning- The visible flash of light accompanying such a discharge.
Grace- Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.
Nobility- The state or quality of being exalted in character.
Integrity- adherence to moral principles; honesty
unity; wholeness
Compassion- the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it
Adventure- Participation in hazardous or exciting experiences
Intelligence- The capacity to acquire and apply knowledge.
Humanity- The quality of being humane; benevolence.
Arizona- A state of the southwest United States
Lightning- The visible flash of light accompanying such a discharge.
Grace- Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.
Black Friday Adventure
This is the first year I've ever really done "Black Friday" shopping. We decided to start at 10 last night, and shop until we ran out of stores or energy.
First, I must thank CJ for being a fabulous instructor.
Honestly folks- it is NOT as bad as they claim! It was really a lot of fun. We started the night at Toys-r-Us. We stood in line outside for about an hour, but it was moving for most of the last 40 minutes. No stampeding. A few rude people tried to cut the line, but for the most part it was fun. The people in line behind us were hilarious!
Inside, we waited in line for awhile- but we were warm so we didn't mind.
We also spent time at the mall, Wal-Mart (no problems!), Kohl's, Sears, Bed-Bath&Beyond, Carters... we got most of what we wanted. No one got hurt, though CJ did get pushed a little.
Funny story- we ran into one store when the doors opened. We saw something that we wanted. It was quite large. We slid it off the shelf into the basket. Then, we realized it was the WRONG item! It was too heavy for us to lift OUT of the basket. It was so big the basket was actually bending...
We were looking around for a "strong man" to help us out. The only guys around looked to be about 12. Then, I saw a guy and thought, maybe he'd help us. Then I realized it was my brother-in-law! He was great to help.
In the end- it was fun. It was an all night adventure, and I'd do it again!
First, I must thank CJ for being a fabulous instructor.
Honestly folks- it is NOT as bad as they claim! It was really a lot of fun. We started the night at Toys-r-Us. We stood in line outside for about an hour, but it was moving for most of the last 40 minutes. No stampeding. A few rude people tried to cut the line, but for the most part it was fun. The people in line behind us were hilarious!
Inside, we waited in line for awhile- but we were warm so we didn't mind.
We also spent time at the mall, Wal-Mart (no problems!), Kohl's, Sears, Bed-Bath&Beyond, Carters... we got most of what we wanted. No one got hurt, though CJ did get pushed a little.
Funny story- we ran into one store when the doors opened. We saw something that we wanted. It was quite large. We slid it off the shelf into the basket. Then, we realized it was the WRONG item! It was too heavy for us to lift OUT of the basket. It was so big the basket was actually bending...
We were looking around for a "strong man" to help us out. The only guys around looked to be about 12. Then, I saw a guy and thought, maybe he'd help us. Then I realized it was my brother-in-law! He was great to help.
In the end- it was fun. It was an all night adventure, and I'd do it again!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Eat, Pray, Love
As I was Christmas shopping today, I came across the movie Eat, Pray, Love. Two thoughts came to mind:
1. I never actually got to see the movie like I wanted.
2. I never wrote the Eat, Pray, Love blog that I intended to write when I started this blog.
Tonight, I rented the movie and I am so glad I read the book. It is much better. Or maybe I am in a completely different life now than I was three months ago. It is odd to think about... three months ago when I read this book I was a different person than I am today. My life was different than it is now. The future looks different now than it did three months ago. It has just been three months...
So, here it is- the blog that meant more three months ago, but that still needs to be written.
Eat, Pray, Love
"Why must everything always have a practical application? I'd been such a diligent soldier for year...Is this lifetime supposed to be only about duty? In this dark period of loss, did I need any justification for.... other than that it was the only thing I could imagine bringing me any pleasure right now?" This is how I felt the moment I bought my mustang. No it makes no practical sense to own three vehicles, but if it makes me happy why not?
"What about the benefits of living harmoniously amid extremes? What if you could somehow create an expansive enough life that you could synchronize seemingly incongruous opposites into a worldview that excludes nothing?...I wanted worldly enjoyment and divine transcendence- the dual glories of a human life...the singular balance of the good and the beautiful." I've always wanted BOTH- I've never wanted to choose. I am a gemini and I've always searched for the compromise. I want to do good and to be happy.
"I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you...There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love... Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend." I commit to forgive myself and never give up on myself. I am strong, brave, and beautiful... and there will be moments when I am not perfect, but I promise to still love myself.
"Virginia Wolf wrote, 'Across the broad continents of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword.' On one side of that sword, she said, there lies convention and tradition and order...But on the other side of that sword...'all is confusion.'"I want to live on both sides of the sword.
"But is is such a bad thing to live like this for just a little while? Just for a few months of one's life, is it so awful to travel through time with no greater ambition than to find the next lovely meal? ...Or to nap in a garden, in a patch of sunlight, in the middle of the day, right next to your favorite fountain? And then to do it again the next day?" Aaahhh... the perfect summary to my summer.
"In a world of disorder and disaster and fraud, sometimes only beauty can be trusted. Only artistic excellence is incorruptible. Pleasure cannot be bargained down." I love making finding pleasure a priority.
"If faith were rational, it wouldn't b- by definition-faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity..." Living by faith is not easy, but it is a better option than living in frustration. Everything will always work out. Done.
"We gallop through our lives like circus performers balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses- one foot is on the horse called 'fate' and the other on the horse called 'free-will.' And the question you have to ask every day is- which horse is which? Which horse do I need to stop worrying about... and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort?" Honestly, I need to remember this. I need to worry less about the things I can't control. As long as I do what I need to do, fate will take care of the rest.
The journey for recovering from heartbreak-
Eat- learning to just find pleasure.
Pray- finding faith, inner peace, and the grace of God
Love- opening back up to the idea that wounded in the first place
The question... where am I on this journey?
1. I never actually got to see the movie like I wanted.
2. I never wrote the Eat, Pray, Love blog that I intended to write when I started this blog.
Tonight, I rented the movie and I am so glad I read the book. It is much better. Or maybe I am in a completely different life now than I was three months ago. It is odd to think about... three months ago when I read this book I was a different person than I am today. My life was different than it is now. The future looks different now than it did three months ago. It has just been three months...
So, here it is- the blog that meant more three months ago, but that still needs to be written.
Eat, Pray, Love
"Why must everything always have a practical application? I'd been such a diligent soldier for year...Is this lifetime supposed to be only about duty? In this dark period of loss, did I need any justification for.... other than that it was the only thing I could imagine bringing me any pleasure right now?" This is how I felt the moment I bought my mustang. No it makes no practical sense to own three vehicles, but if it makes me happy why not?
"What about the benefits of living harmoniously amid extremes? What if you could somehow create an expansive enough life that you could synchronize seemingly incongruous opposites into a worldview that excludes nothing?...I wanted worldly enjoyment and divine transcendence- the dual glories of a human life...the singular balance of the good and the beautiful." I've always wanted BOTH- I've never wanted to choose. I am a gemini and I've always searched for the compromise. I want to do good and to be happy.
"I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you...There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love... Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend." I commit to forgive myself and never give up on myself. I am strong, brave, and beautiful... and there will be moments when I am not perfect, but I promise to still love myself.
"Virginia Wolf wrote, 'Across the broad continents of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword.' On one side of that sword, she said, there lies convention and tradition and order...But on the other side of that sword...'all is confusion.'"I want to live on both sides of the sword.
"But is is such a bad thing to live like this for just a little while? Just for a few months of one's life, is it so awful to travel through time with no greater ambition than to find the next lovely meal? ...Or to nap in a garden, in a patch of sunlight, in the middle of the day, right next to your favorite fountain? And then to do it again the next day?" Aaahhh... the perfect summary to my summer.
"In a world of disorder and disaster and fraud, sometimes only beauty can be trusted. Only artistic excellence is incorruptible. Pleasure cannot be bargained down." I love making finding pleasure a priority.
"If faith were rational, it wouldn't b- by definition-faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity..." Living by faith is not easy, but it is a better option than living in frustration. Everything will always work out. Done.
"We gallop through our lives like circus performers balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses- one foot is on the horse called 'fate' and the other on the horse called 'free-will.' And the question you have to ask every day is- which horse is which? Which horse do I need to stop worrying about... and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort?" Honestly, I need to remember this. I need to worry less about the things I can't control. As long as I do what I need to do, fate will take care of the rest.
The journey for recovering from heartbreak-
Eat- learning to just find pleasure.
Pray- finding faith, inner peace, and the grace of God
Love- opening back up to the idea that wounded in the first place
The question... where am I on this journey?
Bittersweet Memories
I am setting up my Christmas tree. Honestly, I have struggled with the decision for several reasons. Mostly, the tree was bought to surprise me and setting it up makes me sad. I also know that there will be no presents under the tree, and that makes me sad.
But, I want a tree in my house. So, I'm compromising. I bought new decorations for the tree, and I'm going to wrap all the presents I have for my nieces and they'll live under my tree for as long as possible.
But, the whole process has made me sentimental. I realize I have a lot of memories that are bittersweet. They make me so happy, and reliving those moments make me smile and laugh. And then I realize that everything has changed, and the things that made those memories so good are gone.
And that makes me sad.
But, I am going to face that sadness. I am going to relive those memories because the joy is good. And I will make new memories that will bring me joy.
I remember my junior year in high school. It was right around this time of year when Jarod and I got into a silly fight over buying Christmas presents. He wanted to get me something but insist I buy him nothing. At one point he wrote me a note that used a few choice words, basically calling me stubborn. I used even more choice words when I wrote him back. Silly boy left the note where his mom found it, and she grounded me for weeks. I don't remember what we exchanged for Christmas, but I remember laughing in how much trouble I got in by HIS mom.
I remember Christmas in Arizona. We spend Christmas eve at my grandparents' and always opened one gift. We got up bright and early Christmas morning. Actually, CJ always stayed in my room and we stayed up all night. Once it was one, we snuck upstairs. Christmas day we spent with Grandpa in his Santa hat. I miss him, and I miss the excitement of the morning.
I remember Christmas in Idaho. My grandma's tree was HUGE, and sat right in front of these large windows. It was so beautiful in the morning, with presents piled underneath. That day all of us cousins just played. I am so glad we were able to make it that year. I miss Grandma. Now all of us cousins have grown up, and sometimes it seems like most of my family has grown in reverse.
I remember Starbursts and Skittles in duct tape. And more Starbursts the next year, and the year after that. I remember always wondering just how much duct tape I was going to have to rip through to get to my gift.
I can't wait for Christmas this year. I can't wait to see what memories I will form. It is one month from tomorrow...
But, I want a tree in my house. So, I'm compromising. I bought new decorations for the tree, and I'm going to wrap all the presents I have for my nieces and they'll live under my tree for as long as possible.
But, the whole process has made me sentimental. I realize I have a lot of memories that are bittersweet. They make me so happy, and reliving those moments make me smile and laugh. And then I realize that everything has changed, and the things that made those memories so good are gone.
And that makes me sad.
But, I am going to face that sadness. I am going to relive those memories because the joy is good. And I will make new memories that will bring me joy.
I remember my junior year in high school. It was right around this time of year when Jarod and I got into a silly fight over buying Christmas presents. He wanted to get me something but insist I buy him nothing. At one point he wrote me a note that used a few choice words, basically calling me stubborn. I used even more choice words when I wrote him back. Silly boy left the note where his mom found it, and she grounded me for weeks. I don't remember what we exchanged for Christmas, but I remember laughing in how much trouble I got in by HIS mom.
I remember Christmas in Arizona. We spend Christmas eve at my grandparents' and always opened one gift. We got up bright and early Christmas morning. Actually, CJ always stayed in my room and we stayed up all night. Once it was one, we snuck upstairs. Christmas day we spent with Grandpa in his Santa hat. I miss him, and I miss the excitement of the morning.
I remember Christmas in Idaho. My grandma's tree was HUGE, and sat right in front of these large windows. It was so beautiful in the morning, with presents piled underneath. That day all of us cousins just played. I am so glad we were able to make it that year. I miss Grandma. Now all of us cousins have grown up, and sometimes it seems like most of my family has grown in reverse.
I remember Starbursts and Skittles in duct tape. And more Starbursts the next year, and the year after that. I remember always wondering just how much duct tape I was going to have to rip through to get to my gift.
I can't wait for Christmas this year. I can't wait to see what memories I will form. It is one month from tomorrow...
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The morning...
I like being up early (when it isn't too early). It is peaceful in the early morning hours. Outside is quiet, and my dogs are asleep. It is a little bit chilly, but that only makes it perfect for cuddling up in my soft blanket.
A four thirty wake up I could get used to... it is the two-o-clock stuff that I just can't handle, when I went to bed at eleven thirty. I like the calmness that is morning, when I know I've had enough sleep to get me through the day.
Or maybe my peace this morning comes from knowing it is a B day AND the day before a 5 day weekend. I just like to say it: B-day equals yearbook (!!!), debate x2 and PREP!!!
I'd probably be able to survive today on no sleep. :)
It is almost five in the morning. I am excited by the possibilities of today. Today I could say something to make a child more knowledgeable than they were yesterday. Today I could smile at someone and their day will be better. Today I could help a person at just the moment they needed to be helped.
Aaaahhhh... today. Today my soul is happy.
A four thirty wake up I could get used to... it is the two-o-clock stuff that I just can't handle, when I went to bed at eleven thirty. I like the calmness that is morning, when I know I've had enough sleep to get me through the day.
Or maybe my peace this morning comes from knowing it is a B day AND the day before a 5 day weekend. I just like to say it: B-day equals yearbook (!!!), debate x2 and PREP!!!
I'd probably be able to survive today on no sleep. :)
It is almost five in the morning. I am excited by the possibilities of today. Today I could say something to make a child more knowledgeable than they were yesterday. Today I could smile at someone and their day will be better. Today I could help a person at just the moment they needed to be helped.
Aaaahhhh... today. Today my soul is happy.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Free time = Fun Stuff
You Are Cinderella |
 You believe it's important to do the right thing, even if you aren't rewarded for it. Not everyone treats you with respect, but good people see your goodness. You've had a lot of bad luck, but these days it feels like you luck is about to change. Even though times are tough, hang in there. You'll eventually get the life you justly deserve. |
You Are a Jellyfish |
 You are a vulnerable person, but you also have a lot of inner strength. Sometimes you even surprise yourself. You are very honest and open. You have nothing to hide and resent it when people don't tell you the truth. You are illuminating and insightful. You understand and explain the world well. You are energizing and enthusiastic. You get people up and moving. |
You Are Linus |
 You are an optimistic and open minded person. You believe that everything will work out in the end. You are very kind and forgiving. You're always willing to give someone another chance. You are highly creative and innovative. People sometimes just don't get what you're doing. You are brainier and smarter than people realize. You are always thinking, plotting, or dreaming. |
Music Monday
Songs speak to me. I hear the words to songs and I think, "Aha! That's what I should say," or "That's how I feel!" Sometimes I think, "Aha! That's what YOU should say..."
So, I'm dedicating Monday's to music that speaks to my soul.
I love the idea in this song that we all make mistakes, but we don't have to let those mistakes define us. We can be bigger and better than our pasts, but we have to choose that for ourselves.
I choose to not be haunted by mistakes I've made. I will not beat myself up over them. I will not let them define my life. Really, who could blame me if I decided to curl up and wallow in self-pity or rant and rage in warranted anger?
But that is not who I am. And that is not who I want to be. Therefor, THAT IS NOT WHO I WILL BE.
I also like the rumor that this song is written for a person that completely wronged the song writer. This is a song that speaks forgiveness...
Today: Innocent by Taylor Swift
I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin' to get it back
Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?
And everybody believed in you?
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
You're still an innocent
There's some things you can't speak of
But tonight you'll live it all again
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now
If only you would sing what you know now then
Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep?
Before the monsters caught up to you?
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent
Time turns flames to embers
You'll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never to late to
Be brand new
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent
So, I'm dedicating Monday's to music that speaks to my soul.
I love the idea in this song that we all make mistakes, but we don't have to let those mistakes define us. We can be bigger and better than our pasts, but we have to choose that for ourselves.
I choose to not be haunted by mistakes I've made. I will not beat myself up over them. I will not let them define my life. Really, who could blame me if I decided to curl up and wallow in self-pity or rant and rage in warranted anger?
But that is not who I am. And that is not who I want to be. Therefor, THAT IS NOT WHO I WILL BE.
I also like the rumor that this song is written for a person that completely wronged the song writer. This is a song that speaks forgiveness...
Today: Innocent by Taylor Swift
I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin' to get it back
Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?
And everybody believed in you?
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
You're still an innocent
There's some things you can't speak of
But tonight you'll live it all again
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now
If only you would sing what you know now then
Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep?
Before the monsters caught up to you?
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent
Time turns flames to embers
You'll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never to late to
Be brand new
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Sunday's Scripture
This is my favorite. (I'm not being dramatic, but honestly- these are the words I want read at my funeral. So remember that 50 years from now...)
These words are my comfort. These words ring of the simple idea- there is a time for everything, and it all happens for a reason.
And it has special meaning today. I pray for strength for those that need it... for faith that no matter what...
There is a time for everything
and a season for every activity under the heavens.
a time to be born and a time to die
a time to plant and a time to uproot
a time to kill and a time to heal
a time to tear down and a time to build
a time to weep and a time to laugh
a time to mourn and a time to dance
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them
a time to embrace and a time to refrain
a time to search and a time to give up
a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to tear and a time to mend
a time to be silent and a time to speak
a time to love and a time to hate
a time for war and a time for peace
I know that there is nothing better for a person than to be happy and to do good while they live.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 12)
These words are my comfort. These words ring of the simple idea- there is a time for everything, and it all happens for a reason.
And it has special meaning today. I pray for strength for those that need it... for faith that no matter what...
There is a time for everything
and a season for every activity under the heavens.
a time to be born and a time to die
a time to plant and a time to uproot
a time to kill and a time to heal
a time to tear down and a time to build
a time to weep and a time to laugh
a time to mourn and a time to dance
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them
a time to embrace and a time to refrain
a time to search and a time to give up
a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to tear and a time to mend
a time to be silent and a time to speak
a time to love and a time to hate
a time for war and a time for peace
I know that there is nothing better for a person than to be happy and to do good while they live.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 12)
Today's Horoscope...
Your sentimental life might be subjected to sudden but positive changes. You'll live at a mad speed and risk being broken down at the very moment when you'll need to be in a top form. Do not embark on too daring financial deals; follow the advice of specialists. Think more of your private life. Having shown yourself friendly and open to others, you'll be now very well surrounded.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Super Saturday Seven
Seven Super things about my Saturday
1. I LOVE the stress in the air at junior high testing!
2. My GT kids write awesome stories, and I love ONLY making positive comments.
3. There is a sheet of snow in my front yard
4. All my debates are scored, and it took half as long as I thought it would
5. ALL my decorations are up- FINALLY! Even the really big one that's been leaning against the wall since June.
6. Jackie wants so badly to play tug-a-war with her tennis ball... but the WHOLE things is in her mouth so I can't grab it. But she keeps trying...
7. T-shirt & jeans day... and string cheese. :)
1. I LOVE the stress in the air at junior high testing!
2. My GT kids write awesome stories, and I love ONLY making positive comments.
3. There is a sheet of snow in my front yard
4. All my debates are scored, and it took half as long as I thought it would
5. ALL my decorations are up- FINALLY! Even the really big one that's been leaning against the wall since June.
6. Jackie wants so badly to play tug-a-war with her tennis ball... but the WHOLE things is in her mouth so I can't grab it. But she keeps trying...
7. T-shirt & jeans day... and string cheese. :)
These are the days I like :)
I really think I should look into administration. Really, I think my future career lies in G/T administrative work.
Sure... they have an office instead of a classroom. That thought makes me sad.
But- they have to study law, know law, and quote law.
They have to solve problems that come up on a moment's notice.
It takes organization... creativity...
And it sure is fun to work with them!
This morning I got to play assistant at the G/T testing session. We were short proctors, 100+ kids registered LAST NIGHT (who registers for a test at midnight???), we were short over 20 testing books...
And it was just a lot of fun! It was fun directing 200 kids where to go. It was fun directing proctors to rooms and parents out the door.
There is a part of me that just comes alive doing things like this. I thrive on the pressure... the fast pace... and the sense of accomplishment when it all works out.
I am supposed to be in the classroom right now... but not forever.
Sure... they have an office instead of a classroom. That thought makes me sad.
But- they have to study law, know law, and quote law.
They have to solve problems that come up on a moment's notice.
It takes organization... creativity...
And it sure is fun to work with them!
This morning I got to play assistant at the G/T testing session. We were short proctors, 100+ kids registered LAST NIGHT (who registers for a test at midnight???), we were short over 20 testing books...
And it was just a lot of fun! It was fun directing 200 kids where to go. It was fun directing proctors to rooms and parents out the door.
There is a part of me that just comes alive doing things like this. I thrive on the pressure... the fast pace... and the sense of accomplishment when it all works out.
I am supposed to be in the classroom right now... but not forever.
Friday, November 19, 2010
CHIBS check
This is MY check. If you are reading, I thank you for your love and interest in my life. I'm not listing my answers but rather my questions. My successes and failures are my own right now. Please be content to know what I am trying to accomplish, and support me in my efforts.
I have disabled the comments on this blog because I don't want your answers to my questions. As much as I love your input... only I can judge myself. My dear friends reading this... I know how much you love me and I know that you will answer so many of these questions with "YES!" But I am keeping myself to a very high standard. I can only grow if I face the hard facts and my weaknesses.
My Goal Check Questions:
Compassion: Am I being compassionate to others? Do I forgive and treat them kindly? Do I make decisions out of revenge or anger, or compassion and love?
Happiness: Am I finding happiness in little things? Am I seeking opportunities to be happy?
Intelligence: Am I furthering my knowledge? Am I growing as a teacher?
Beauty: Am I being a good person? Am I doing what is right? Am I kind, giving, and helpful? Do I serve others?
Strength: Do I endure when things are difficult? Do I allow myself to have weak moments and then move on? Do I seek help when needed? Do I stand alone when I can?
I have disabled the comments on this blog because I don't want your answers to my questions. As much as I love your input... only I can judge myself. My dear friends reading this... I know how much you love me and I know that you will answer so many of these questions with "YES!" But I am keeping myself to a very high standard. I can only grow if I face the hard facts and my weaknesses.
My Goal Check Questions:
Compassion: Am I being compassionate to others? Do I forgive and treat them kindly? Do I make decisions out of revenge or anger, or compassion and love?
Happiness: Am I finding happiness in little things? Am I seeking opportunities to be happy?
Intelligence: Am I furthering my knowledge? Am I growing as a teacher?
Beauty: Am I being a good person? Am I doing what is right? Am I kind, giving, and helpful? Do I serve others?
Strength: Do I endure when things are difficult? Do I allow myself to have weak moments and then move on? Do I seek help when needed? Do I stand alone when I can?
What is right is not always easy...
What is really right?
If you intentionally deceive another,
to allow them to be happy
for a moment...
Are you really helping them?
By lying you choose the path
for another to follow
and take away their choice...
Is that fair to them?
By betraying one to save another
you make one more important
and the other less...
Is that the message you want to send?
Hiding the truth to prevent pain
creates agony in those
knowing the truth...
Should they have to live with that?
Deceit
Lies
Betrayal
Hiding
Are you really doing what is right?
More importantly...
Am I really doing what is right?
If I allow one person to be deceived
If I let one person believe lies
If I withhold the truth
and help them be betrayed...
In order to protect another...
Am I doing what is right?
If I deceive a deceiver
Lie to a liar
Betray a person who betrays
Hide truth from a person who hurts others
In the name of fighting for what is right...
In the name of fighting for what is good...
Am I doing what is right?
If you intentionally deceive another,
to allow them to be happy
for a moment...
Are you really helping them?
By lying you choose the path
for another to follow
and take away their choice...
Is that fair to them?
By betraying one to save another
you make one more important
and the other less...
Is that the message you want to send?
Hiding the truth to prevent pain
creates agony in those
knowing the truth...
Should they have to live with that?
Deceit
Lies
Betrayal
Hiding
Are you really doing what is right?
More importantly...
Am I really doing what is right?
If I allow one person to be deceived
If I let one person believe lies
If I withhold the truth
and help them be betrayed...
In order to protect another...
Am I doing what is right?
If I deceive a deceiver
Lie to a liar
Betray a person who betrays
Hide truth from a person who hurts others
In the name of fighting for what is right...
In the name of fighting for what is good...
Am I doing what is right?
Monday, November 15, 2010
30 Days of Thanks
15. Today I am thankful for seasons. It snowed this morning, and the mountains look beautiful. I love that I just when I get sick of one thing... another season comes. I love the rain in spring, sun (not heat) in summer, leaves of fall... and snowy mountain in winter. Aaaahhhh... nice.
14. Today I am thankful for little girls... especially E, K & K!
13. Today I am thankful for the Hardings. So much of who I am is because I knew them. RIP Kay, and prayers of comfort to your family.
12. Today I'm thankful for Friday- I am SO glad it is the weekend.
11. Today I am thankful for the men and women that serve- the troops and the families. I have so much because of you.
#11b- Today I am also SO thankful for times with friends and family when we get to feel smarter, stronger, funnier, and just better than we feel on a normal basis. (Especially after a lot of time is s...pent in a junior high...)
10. Today I am thankful for the brave... those willing to stand up and say what needs said, even though not everyone will like it. Those willing to do what is honest & right, even when it will make them look bad. Those willing to do what is difficult when everyone else says it is time to quit. There should be more people like you.
9. Today I am thankful for my neighbor teachers- past and present. They are my mentors and friends. They make me smile and help make the rough days better.
8. I am thankful for friends who some how know just when to send a text saying hello! It arrived just after I was called into the principal's office (for the first time ever!) after he'd received a phone call from an angry parent. I apparently told his son I was annoyed by his emails (the dad's) and I have it out for... his son. Good thing I was planning on calling tonight anyway to discuss his son's behavior today.
7. Today I am thankful for roads lined with golden trees. My drive this morning was BEAUTIFUL! It has inspired me to get all my grading done FAST. I've told myself, once it is done I can go on a Mustang cruise up the canyons in SLC. I have plans at 3... so I need to leave by 1:30 to have time in the canyon... so I have 1.5 hours to grade. Time to get to it!
6. Today I am thankful for my parents and the way we were raised. I always felt loved and supported. They attempted to teach us kindness, compassion, and to think for ourselves. I am so thankful for their lessons and positive look on life and people.
5. Today I am thankful for the leaves the crunch under my feet as I walk down the sidewalk in the perfect fall air.
4. Today I am thankful for my extended family- there are so many of you that just make me happy. Even when I don't talk to you for a long time- I feel your love!
3. Today I am thankful for all the people that helped me on my road to being a teacher- especially the administrators that have hired me. For me, teaching is where my "passion and the world's great hunger" meet. I am thankful I found that place where I am fulfilled, and I am so glad others saw me as a teacher, and gave ...me the opportunity to have a classroom of my own.
2. Today I am thankful for the wonders of the pills my neighbor teacher gave me. My awful headache came roaring in 3rd period, but she had pain killers that had it gone in 30 minutes. (While I was still teaching...) I guess more importantly- I am thankful to work next to friends willing to help me out.
1. Today I am thankful for my four year old (almost 5!) niece, and the beautiful art she sent me. It made me smile when I opened it.
14. Today I am thankful for little girls... especially E, K & K!
13. Today I am thankful for the Hardings. So much of who I am is because I knew them. RIP Kay, and prayers of comfort to your family.
12. Today I'm thankful for Friday- I am SO glad it is the weekend.
11. Today I am thankful for the men and women that serve- the troops and the families. I have so much because of you.
#11b- Today I am also SO thankful for times with friends and family when we get to feel smarter, stronger, funnier, and just better than we feel on a normal basis. (Especially after a lot of time is s...pent in a junior high...)
10. Today I am thankful for the brave... those willing to stand up and say what needs said, even though not everyone will like it. Those willing to do what is honest & right, even when it will make them look bad. Those willing to do what is difficult when everyone else says it is time to quit. There should be more people like you.
9. Today I am thankful for my neighbor teachers- past and present. They are my mentors and friends. They make me smile and help make the rough days better.
8. I am thankful for friends who some how know just when to send a text saying hello! It arrived just after I was called into the principal's office (for the first time ever!) after he'd received a phone call from an angry parent. I apparently told his son I was annoyed by his emails (the dad's) and I have it out for... his son. Good thing I was planning on calling tonight anyway to discuss his son's behavior today.
7. Today I am thankful for roads lined with golden trees. My drive this morning was BEAUTIFUL! It has inspired me to get all my grading done FAST. I've told myself, once it is done I can go on a Mustang cruise up the canyons in SLC. I have plans at 3... so I need to leave by 1:30 to have time in the canyon... so I have 1.5 hours to grade. Time to get to it!
6. Today I am thankful for my parents and the way we were raised. I always felt loved and supported. They attempted to teach us kindness, compassion, and to think for ourselves. I am so thankful for their lessons and positive look on life and people.
5. Today I am thankful for the leaves the crunch under my feet as I walk down the sidewalk in the perfect fall air.
4. Today I am thankful for my extended family- there are so many of you that just make me happy. Even when I don't talk to you for a long time- I feel your love!
3. Today I am thankful for all the people that helped me on my road to being a teacher- especially the administrators that have hired me. For me, teaching is where my "passion and the world's great hunger" meet. I am thankful I found that place where I am fulfilled, and I am so glad others saw me as a teacher, and gave ...me the opportunity to have a classroom of my own.
2. Today I am thankful for the wonders of the pills my neighbor teacher gave me. My awful headache came roaring in 3rd period, but she had pain killers that had it gone in 30 minutes. (While I was still teaching...) I guess more importantly- I am thankful to work next to friends willing to help me out.
1. Today I am thankful for my four year old (almost 5!) niece, and the beautiful art she sent me. It made me smile when I opened it.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Trying of your faith brings patience...
First, you have to understand I have no patience. A lot of people think I do because of my jobs- working with kids who have disabilities or junior high kids. But, that is patience in a moment. Real, lifetime patience I lack completely. I want to know the outcome of things long before they happen.
But, I don't know my future right now. I know it will be good. I know I will be happy. I know I will do great things. But... I want to know how, and I want to know when... and I want to know those things NOW! (Just tell me when, and I can wait...)
I need to learn patience, and I know this.
So a few months ago, in an impatient moment, I opened my Bible and asked God to just give me an answer. His response, in James 1:2-3
The trying of your faith works patience. Let patience do her work and you will be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
When I first read this, I knew instantly I am in my situation to learn patience. God was telling me that my faith is tested so I can learn patience.
I was also comforted by "not lacking anything." I knew that if I was patience I would be blessed with all I need. This has become a favorite verse, and I read it often.
Throughout all of the trials of the last few months, I've felt I was "not enough." Now before I get a bunch of comments saying, "but you are!" hear me out. I don't really know what I am missing, but I feel deep in me that something about me is lacking. I have struggled to find the answer to the question, "What don't I have in me?" I've stressed over this... and cried, screamed, discussed... over the answer to this question.
Again, before you jump to the "You have everything!" comment (because I know you all love me!) I want to share my revelation from tonight.
I was driving home from my church group, and thinking of James 1:2-3, and a new word stood out to me: complete.
I am NOT complete at the moment. I'm not talking about my situation, but ME, as a person. There is something that I am not.
But with patience through this time of trial... I will be complete. I will find that missing piece, and I will feel whole. And I find comfort in knowing that is coming to me. I don't have to stress anymore. I don't have to cry or question it anymore. If I am just patient, I will be made complete. Whatever it is that makes me "not enough" will become part of me, and it is good to know that. A weight has been lifted.
I may not know when, but I am content to wait until I am...
COMPLETE, AND NOT LACKING ANYTHING. :)
But, I don't know my future right now. I know it will be good. I know I will be happy. I know I will do great things. But... I want to know how, and I want to know when... and I want to know those things NOW! (Just tell me when, and I can wait...)
I need to learn patience, and I know this.
So a few months ago, in an impatient moment, I opened my Bible and asked God to just give me an answer. His response, in James 1:2-3
The trying of your faith works patience. Let patience do her work and you will be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
When I first read this, I knew instantly I am in my situation to learn patience. God was telling me that my faith is tested so I can learn patience.
I was also comforted by "not lacking anything." I knew that if I was patience I would be blessed with all I need. This has become a favorite verse, and I read it often.
Throughout all of the trials of the last few months, I've felt I was "not enough." Now before I get a bunch of comments saying, "but you are!" hear me out. I don't really know what I am missing, but I feel deep in me that something about me is lacking. I have struggled to find the answer to the question, "What don't I have in me?" I've stressed over this... and cried, screamed, discussed... over the answer to this question.
Again, before you jump to the "You have everything!" comment (because I know you all love me!) I want to share my revelation from tonight.
I was driving home from my church group, and thinking of James 1:2-3, and a new word stood out to me: complete.
I am NOT complete at the moment. I'm not talking about my situation, but ME, as a person. There is something that I am not.
But with patience through this time of trial... I will be complete. I will find that missing piece, and I will feel whole. And I find comfort in knowing that is coming to me. I don't have to stress anymore. I don't have to cry or question it anymore. If I am just patient, I will be made complete. Whatever it is that makes me "not enough" will become part of me, and it is good to know that. A weight has been lifted.
I may not know when, but I am content to wait until I am...
COMPLETE, AND NOT LACKING ANYTHING. :)
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Review of 10 Things to do Single
I posted this on facebook a few months ago. Since then, I've wanted to add a few new comments, so here it is! (New in bold italics)
10 Things Every Single Person Should Do
Done... but still doing. 1. Travel alone. Whether you’re trying to find your way through the Paris Metro or the London Underground, haggling over a painting in Mexico or choosing where to bed down in the Badlands, traveling by yourself builds a confidence you simply can’t get any other way. In an unfamiliar place, you have to make decisions by yourself, for yourself every day, which will build a self-reliance you’ll always treasure — even when you become part of a twosome. (I've traveled alone for years now- but I'm excited for a big journey. Europe next summer!) I'm more determined to make it to Europe next summer. I plan the trip once a week, but can't buy tickets yet... soon! I did go to NJ alone again, and survived the crazy airplane man!!!
2. Wallow in the ache of a broken heart. Oh, the pain. The agony. The pints of Ben & Jerry’s in front of the cable TV. Yep, getting dumped is beyond awful, but guess what? It’s the only way that you’ll develop the empathy you’ll need to be a better partner in a relationship. Because if you’re sensitive to the grief someone else has caused you, you’re less likely to do the same to anyone else. So, consider this painful milestone a lesson in karma that’ll serve you well as you travel through your dating days. (Ok... so I'm not so good at wallowing. It always makes me feel bad. But, I'm learning to wallow. Does B&J make sherbet?) I've learned to wallow. Ok- not entirely... but I'm much better.
Done 3. Spend a weekend with a married couple your age. On lonely nights, it’s common for single folk to envision marriage as a cozy scene from a classic film or mail-order catalog. But by spending 48 hours with a real couple, you’ll learn that in between the snuggling and pet names comes growling, bickering, silent treatments and maybe even a slammed door or two before they ultimately compromise. It will show you what married life is like, warts and all, so you won’t over-idealize the two-becomes-one phenomenon again. (I loved my weekend with Misti & Heath!!! I think this is advice for single people who have never been married. I have no crazy ideas about marriage being perfect.) Been there... done that... again, and again. I LOVE my married friends and family!!!
Done 4. Don’t come home all night. That’s right, wild thing. Crash on a friend’s couch, take your friends up on that offer of a last-minute trip… Once you have a mate, you can’t just take off on your own without explanation. And, truthfully, you won’t want to. So if you don’t have someone you have to call and check in with every few hours, take this opportunity to check out! (I crashed on a friend's couch a few weeks ago- and I'm loving just leaving whenever I want.) Wendover... home at 6 am. Exhausted, but so wanting to do this again!
5. Stand up for a cause you care about. Whether you volunteer to help register voters for the next election (why not start early?) or convince your neighborhood or apartment complex to start recycling, get fired up over an issue while you have the time to devote to it. It will remind you that while, yes, finding your soul mate is pretty important, there are other issues at stake in the world that could use your help. And besides, the big-heartedness you’ll be cultivating is very attractive. (Still finding the cause I can stick with- I love trying lots of causes once.) I would LOVE to find a friend willing to go sort food at the food bank with me on days when I don't have school. It was amazing in ways that I can't even describe. Who knew sorting cans could make a soul happy?
6. Have a real adventure. Learn to fly a plane, surf some big waves, or start your own business. Give yourself a thrill by doing something just for you, just for the experience — without having someone at home worrying about you or nagging you not to. Oh, and one more gift with purchase: Think about how much fun you’ll have telling your next date about your daring experience. (I went up a canyon on my bike? Ok... still working on this one...) This should be my new goal... adventure...??? I teach junior high kids folks! Every day is an adventure and I don't really feel up to any others!!! Kidding... I'll work on it.
7. Learn how to take care of yourself. Being solo shouldn’t keep you from cooking for yourself, so learn how to make an impressive meal for one (even if it’s mac and cheese with your own added favorite extra thrown in). While you’re at it, learn how to back up your hard drive and sew on replacement buttons. You’ll feel strong and self-sufficient — and you’ll be armed with skills to share when you are in a relationship. (Um... does it count if I can do it, but just don't want to?) I did do the mac & cheese with my own flavor. And I pump my own gas, and get my own oil changed, and buy my own groceries. I'm very self sufficient when I want to be.
Done 8. Buy something hugely impractical just because you love it. Once you’re in a relationship, you’ll start thinking about your partner before you purchase pricey items — not just “Will he or she hate it?” but “Is this where I want to be putting my money if we’re saving for a wedding?” The single life means a single bank account and an excuse to blow a wad of cash without (some of the) guilt. So, make yourself happy and buy something you crave, whether it’s an expensive vintage movie poster or a decked-out mountain bike. (MUSTANG!?! Which by the way I absolutely love!) Let's be honest here... I mastered this one a few days after I realized my marriage was going to end. Still paying it off, but still loving it!!!
Done 9. Develop a hobby. Learn to woodwork, play acoustic guitar, speak French, DJ on turntables, or make digital short films for fun. Of course you can (and should) still have hobbies when you’re dating someone, but your solo time is prime time to devote yourself to something that makes life more interesting for you — and makes you more interesting to others. (I have a few that I rotate through.) I'm developing myself. I wouldn't call finding God a hobby, but it is giving me something to focus on.
10. Be completely, utterly, wholly single for at least three months. Hopping wildly from one relationship to the next can do you a disservice. Why? Because you’re never more ripe for self-reflection than when you’re on your own — and the more you know yourself, the more likely you are to find someone who’s right for the real you. (Just three months? WHAT?!? Oh... and every other comment I thought of writing for this one is really mean, so I'm not going to say it.) Yup! I made it three months- easy. I'm learning that I'm going to be one of those people that go a LONG time without a relationship. I never thought I'd say six months later that I'm still not ready, but I'm not. And I'm not going to lie about it or pretend otherwise. Am I still wallowing? Not really. I just want to be single. ...and the two people that caused all these problems for all of us should probably have taken this advice and they'd have fewer problems in their own life too!!!
10 Things Every Single Person Should Do
Done... but still doing. 1. Travel alone. Whether you’re trying to find your way through the Paris Metro or the London Underground, haggling over a painting in Mexico or choosing where to bed down in the Badlands, traveling by yourself builds a confidence you simply can’t get any other way. In an unfamiliar place, you have to make decisions by yourself, for yourself every day, which will build a self-reliance you’ll always treasure — even when you become part of a twosome. (I've traveled alone for years now- but I'm excited for a big journey. Europe next summer!) I'm more determined to make it to Europe next summer. I plan the trip once a week, but can't buy tickets yet... soon! I did go to NJ alone again, and survived the crazy airplane man!!!
2. Wallow in the ache of a broken heart. Oh, the pain. The agony. The pints of Ben & Jerry’s in front of the cable TV. Yep, getting dumped is beyond awful, but guess what? It’s the only way that you’ll develop the empathy you’ll need to be a better partner in a relationship. Because if you’re sensitive to the grief someone else has caused you, you’re less likely to do the same to anyone else. So, consider this painful milestone a lesson in karma that’ll serve you well as you travel through your dating days. (Ok... so I'm not so good at wallowing. It always makes me feel bad. But, I'm learning to wallow. Does B&J make sherbet?) I've learned to wallow. Ok- not entirely... but I'm much better.
Done 3. Spend a weekend with a married couple your age. On lonely nights, it’s common for single folk to envision marriage as a cozy scene from a classic film or mail-order catalog. But by spending 48 hours with a real couple, you’ll learn that in between the snuggling and pet names comes growling, bickering, silent treatments and maybe even a slammed door or two before they ultimately compromise. It will show you what married life is like, warts and all, so you won’t over-idealize the two-becomes-one phenomenon again. (I loved my weekend with Misti & Heath!!! I think this is advice for single people who have never been married. I have no crazy ideas about marriage being perfect.) Been there... done that... again, and again. I LOVE my married friends and family!!!
Done 4. Don’t come home all night. That’s right, wild thing. Crash on a friend’s couch, take your friends up on that offer of a last-minute trip… Once you have a mate, you can’t just take off on your own without explanation. And, truthfully, you won’t want to. So if you don’t have someone you have to call and check in with every few hours, take this opportunity to check out! (I crashed on a friend's couch a few weeks ago- and I'm loving just leaving whenever I want.) Wendover... home at 6 am. Exhausted, but so wanting to do this again!
5. Stand up for a cause you care about. Whether you volunteer to help register voters for the next election (why not start early?) or convince your neighborhood or apartment complex to start recycling, get fired up over an issue while you have the time to devote to it. It will remind you that while, yes, finding your soul mate is pretty important, there are other issues at stake in the world that could use your help. And besides, the big-heartedness you’ll be cultivating is very attractive. (Still finding the cause I can stick with- I love trying lots of causes once.) I would LOVE to find a friend willing to go sort food at the food bank with me on days when I don't have school. It was amazing in ways that I can't even describe. Who knew sorting cans could make a soul happy?
6. Have a real adventure. Learn to fly a plane, surf some big waves, or start your own business. Give yourself a thrill by doing something just for you, just for the experience — without having someone at home worrying about you or nagging you not to. Oh, and one more gift with purchase: Think about how much fun you’ll have telling your next date about your daring experience. (I went up a canyon on my bike? Ok... still working on this one...) This should be my new goal... adventure...??? I teach junior high kids folks! Every day is an adventure and I don't really feel up to any others!!! Kidding... I'll work on it.
7. Learn how to take care of yourself. Being solo shouldn’t keep you from cooking for yourself, so learn how to make an impressive meal for one (even if it’s mac and cheese with your own added favorite extra thrown in). While you’re at it, learn how to back up your hard drive and sew on replacement buttons. You’ll feel strong and self-sufficient — and you’ll be armed with skills to share when you are in a relationship. (Um... does it count if I can do it, but just don't want to?) I did do the mac & cheese with my own flavor. And I pump my own gas, and get my own oil changed, and buy my own groceries. I'm very self sufficient when I want to be.
Done 8. Buy something hugely impractical just because you love it. Once you’re in a relationship, you’ll start thinking about your partner before you purchase pricey items — not just “Will he or she hate it?” but “Is this where I want to be putting my money if we’re saving for a wedding?” The single life means a single bank account and an excuse to blow a wad of cash without (some of the) guilt. So, make yourself happy and buy something you crave, whether it’s an expensive vintage movie poster or a decked-out mountain bike. (MUSTANG!?! Which by the way I absolutely love!) Let's be honest here... I mastered this one a few days after I realized my marriage was going to end. Still paying it off, but still loving it!!!
Done 9. Develop a hobby. Learn to woodwork, play acoustic guitar, speak French, DJ on turntables, or make digital short films for fun. Of course you can (and should) still have hobbies when you’re dating someone, but your solo time is prime time to devote yourself to something that makes life more interesting for you — and makes you more interesting to others. (I have a few that I rotate through.) I'm developing myself. I wouldn't call finding God a hobby, but it is giving me something to focus on.
10. Be completely, utterly, wholly single for at least three months. Hopping wildly from one relationship to the next can do you a disservice. Why? Because you’re never more ripe for self-reflection than when you’re on your own — and the more you know yourself, the more likely you are to find someone who’s right for the real you. (Just three months? WHAT?!? Oh... and every other comment I thought of writing for this one is really mean, so I'm not going to say it.) Yup! I made it three months- easy. I'm learning that I'm going to be one of those people that go a LONG time without a relationship. I never thought I'd say six months later that I'm still not ready, but I'm not. And I'm not going to lie about it or pretend otherwise. Am I still wallowing? Not really. I just want to be single. ...and the two people that caused all these problems for all of us should probably have taken this advice and they'd have fewer problems in their own life too!!!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I wish everyone knew this rule...
Everyday Etiquette for Public-Place Encounters
11 unwritten rules while in parking lots, planes, stores, and beyond.
by Michael Joseph Gross
On a cross-country flight, I'm seated next to a chatterbox who wants to swap life stories. How do I let her know that I don't?
Start with nonverbal cues, if possible. Carolyn Hanley, who flies about 60,000 miles each year as a technical trainer for a semiconductor-equipment company in Austin, Texas, has dealt with nosy seatmates on several continents. Her advice: Thumb through the pages of a book, open your laptop, or pull out your PDA. Or, if you've already started to engage the talker, "break off the conversation by calling the flight attendant over and asking a question like 'When do we actually land?' or 'Could I get a rum and Coke―quickly?'"
MY QUESTION: WHAT IF THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU DOESN'T GET THE HINT?
And, these are things the person sitting next to you SHOULD NOT say (but I have experienced myself)
1. Is your (biological) clock ticking? (Really??? Do I look that old???)
2. When you die, you'll see the light. (This was right after I sat down and he inquired about my religion.)
3. I have to go to the bathroom, but my zipper is stuck and I can't get my pants down. (This poor woman... craziest flight ever!)
4. I'm prejudice, are you? (He was serious.)
5. I was going to sit by the beautiful black woman, but then I saw she had a baby. I don't sit next to those things. (Thing?)
11 unwritten rules while in parking lots, planes, stores, and beyond.
by Michael Joseph Gross
On a cross-country flight, I'm seated next to a chatterbox who wants to swap life stories. How do I let her know that I don't?
Start with nonverbal cues, if possible. Carolyn Hanley, who flies about 60,000 miles each year as a technical trainer for a semiconductor-equipment company in Austin, Texas, has dealt with nosy seatmates on several continents. Her advice: Thumb through the pages of a book, open your laptop, or pull out your PDA. Or, if you've already started to engage the talker, "break off the conversation by calling the flight attendant over and asking a question like 'When do we actually land?' or 'Could I get a rum and Coke―quickly?'"
MY QUESTION: WHAT IF THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU DOESN'T GET THE HINT?
And, these are things the person sitting next to you SHOULD NOT say (but I have experienced myself)
1. Is your (biological) clock ticking? (Really??? Do I look that old???)
2. When you die, you'll see the light. (This was right after I sat down and he inquired about my religion.)
3. I have to go to the bathroom, but my zipper is stuck and I can't get my pants down. (This poor woman... craziest flight ever!)
4. I'm prejudice, are you? (He was serious.)
5. I was going to sit by the beautiful black woman, but then I saw she had a baby. I don't sit next to those things. (Thing?)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
New Jersey
I just returned from NJ, and it was fabulous! I love just hanging out with my family. Clay, Ness & I spent hours discussing various issues. It is great to debate with them, even if it did get to be too late.
K & K are so cute and growing up too fast. Little K just lights up every time someone offers to pick her up, but she's also so happy to just run around on her own. Big K is just too smart for everyone's good. It was great to just sit on a couch with her watching a movie and a half. (The first one was too scary, so we switched.)
I was sad to leave.
K & K are so cute and growing up too fast. Little K just lights up every time someone offers to pick her up, but she's also so happy to just run around on her own. Big K is just too smart for everyone's good. It was great to just sit on a couch with her watching a movie and a half. (The first one was too scary, so we switched.)
I was sad to leave.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Carrot, Egg or Coffee Bean?
I was blog jumping tonight. I came across this old post of Ness's, and decided I liked the message. I'm glad to have this reminder of how I want to live life.
Thanks Ness-
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to > make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'
'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
Thanks Ness-
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to > make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'
'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
"My" Places
I know a lot of us have them. Places that our "ours," even though we have no legal ownership. They make us happy when lives are complex, peaceful when the world is in chaos, and they make us better people just by being there.
Sure, I have things and places that are actually mine that have this same effect. My AZ home, my G-ville room, my bench, my Mustang... But these other places are more special, because they don't legally belong to us. These are "my" places because my soul has laid claim to them. No matter what happens in my life, or how far I move, these places cannot be taken away.
1. My tree- my rocket ship cedar tree in AZ
2. My town- Taylor/Snowflake. It just is- and everyone needs to get over it.
3. My road- Highway 89 between Farmington and South Ogden
4. My park- a beautiful place up Provo Canyon.
5. My trail- a trail that branches off behind my park.
6. My rose garden- in Ogden.
7. My swings at the G-ville park
8. My library- WSU
9. My classroom/school (this one will travel with me...)
Sure, I have things and places that are actually mine that have this same effect. My AZ home, my G-ville room, my bench, my Mustang... But these other places are more special, because they don't legally belong to us. These are "my" places because my soul has laid claim to them. No matter what happens in my life, or how far I move, these places cannot be taken away.
1. My tree- my rocket ship cedar tree in AZ
2. My town- Taylor/Snowflake. It just is- and everyone needs to get over it.
3. My road- Highway 89 between Farmington and South Ogden
4. My park- a beautiful place up Provo Canyon.
5. My trail- a trail that branches off behind my park.
6. My rose garden- in Ogden.
7. My swings at the G-ville park
8. My library- WSU
9. My classroom/school (this one will travel with me...)
Happiness Walk/Ride 10/10/10
I took my motorcycle up to my park today. The ride itself was great- I'm getting more confident with canyon rides so I actually enjoyed the curves and colors. The park was crazy busy. Dozens of photographers were there and some sort of Halloween party. But, the leaves were also bright orange, red, and yellow, so it was fun.
I took off down my trail, and these are the things that made me smile.
1. The fall colors
2. The little kid posing for a picture with his frisbee
3. The new stepping "logs" across the river
4. A side trail that led to the perfect bend in the river lined with red trees...
5. The sound the grass made as I walked- swish, swish, swish
6. Another person way back on my trail, looking like he was on his own happiness walk
7. The makeshift bridge crossing to the island
Overall, it was a great trip. It made my soul happier than it has been in weeks. :)
I took off down my trail, and these are the things that made me smile.
1. The fall colors
2. The little kid posing for a picture with his frisbee
3. The new stepping "logs" across the river
4. A side trail that led to the perfect bend in the river lined with red trees...
5. The sound the grass made as I walked- swish, swish, swish
6. Another person way back on my trail, looking like he was on his own happiness walk
7. The makeshift bridge crossing to the island
Overall, it was a great trip. It made my soul happier than it has been in weeks. :)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Taking Advantage of an Early Morning
I can't sleep. I haven't been able to sleep for a few weeks now. In fact, in three weeks I remember once when I didn't wake up at all, and only 3 nights when I woke up but went back to sleep within 10 minutes. Usually, I'm just awake for hours.
Many wonder why. Here- I'll give you the top three reasons.
1.
2.
3.
How's that? Yeah... not telling.
But, this morning I woke up and the lack of sleep didn't bother me. I listened to the rain outside. And, I had to be in it. I dressed quickly, and warmly, and headed out. I watched the rain fall in front of the street lights. I smiled at my neighbor's purple porch light (Halloween!). I jumped in a shallow puddle. I only went around me block (safety first in the dark!), but it was a nice walk.
Then, I decided to figure out what the whole LDS Conference talk vs. LGBT Community debate is about. I read several articles... and knew instantly that something was wrong. So, I watched the talk. I'm not LDS. I'm not homosexual. But really- so many articles are taking quotes out of context. They are using the few words and twisting them to make it sound like the talk said a lot of stuff it didn't. Saying that the LDS church condones not loving a homosexual person... really??? Where did you get that???
I am not happy about the issue- I'm happy that my debate instincts have kicked in.
It has been a good morning.
Many wonder why. Here- I'll give you the top three reasons.
1.
2.
3.
How's that? Yeah... not telling.
But, this morning I woke up and the lack of sleep didn't bother me. I listened to the rain outside. And, I had to be in it. I dressed quickly, and warmly, and headed out. I watched the rain fall in front of the street lights. I smiled at my neighbor's purple porch light (Halloween!). I jumped in a shallow puddle. I only went around me block (safety first in the dark!), but it was a nice walk.
Then, I decided to figure out what the whole LDS Conference talk vs. LGBT Community debate is about. I read several articles... and knew instantly that something was wrong. So, I watched the talk. I'm not LDS. I'm not homosexual. But really- so many articles are taking quotes out of context. They are using the few words and twisting them to make it sound like the talk said a lot of stuff it didn't. Saying that the LDS church condones not loving a homosexual person... really??? Where did you get that???
I am not happy about the issue- I'm happy that my debate instincts have kicked in.
It has been a good morning.
Friday, September 24, 2010
September 25. 2010
It is only the 24th, but I already know tomorrow is going to be a day full of every emotion. I'm trying to ignore it, but it isn't working.
September 25, 2010. For 24 hours the two most difficult things I remember dealing with as an adult will converge. And I will live through it.
There will be tears... and smiles. And I'm dreading knowing tomorrow is coming, but also grateful that in only 26 hours, the day will be over.
Jarod- tomorrow I walk in memory of you. I walk in memory of all the good times we had yelling at each other, and arguing in math. I've never gotten into so much trouble in a class- all because you wouldn't do your homework until I explained it the next day. I will walk and remember riding busses with you, and running with you, and playing pool with you... I will walk remembering the good times.
You left us too soon, and I miss you. I wish you'd known how much you'd be missed, and maybe you would have decided to stay.
Andrew- six years tomorrow. I can't really write anything more about it. Everything I type just makes me sound hurt and angry, but truthfully I'm not. On a day to day basis, I am happy. I find joy in life, and I hate that every thought I have about our anniversary is bitter. The thoughts I have about you aren't... I remember the good in you. But September 25th doesn't have a happy ending...
I will survive tomorrow. I will laugh with my mom, sister, and friends. I will have moments when I will forget all the things that tomorrow means. And in the silence, I will remember all the good I can.
I promise.
September 25, 2010. For 24 hours the two most difficult things I remember dealing with as an adult will converge. And I will live through it.
There will be tears... and smiles. And I'm dreading knowing tomorrow is coming, but also grateful that in only 26 hours, the day will be over.
Jarod- tomorrow I walk in memory of you. I walk in memory of all the good times we had yelling at each other, and arguing in math. I've never gotten into so much trouble in a class- all because you wouldn't do your homework until I explained it the next day. I will walk and remember riding busses with you, and running with you, and playing pool with you... I will walk remembering the good times.
You left us too soon, and I miss you. I wish you'd known how much you'd be missed, and maybe you would have decided to stay.
Andrew- six years tomorrow. I can't really write anything more about it. Everything I type just makes me sound hurt and angry, but truthfully I'm not. On a day to day basis, I am happy. I find joy in life, and I hate that every thought I have about our anniversary is bitter. The thoughts I have about you aren't... I remember the good in you. But September 25th doesn't have a happy ending...
I will survive tomorrow. I will laugh with my mom, sister, and friends. I will have moments when I will forget all the things that tomorrow means. And in the silence, I will remember all the good I can.
I promise.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Rules for a Happiness Walk
1. If any rules bring more stress than joy, ignore the rule and make your own.
2. Smile (not constantly... but often)
3. If you walk under a tree, breath deeply
4. Smell all the flowers you can reach from the sidewalk
5. Walk through sprinklers, not around
6. Say hello to everyone you cross paths with
7. Find at least five things that have make you smile- Write them down or SHARE
Today's "Smiles"
- the two year old that practiced waving with me
- the elderly couple walking arm in arm down the street
- the leaves in the mountains are turning red
- the little girls having a picnic in their yard
- the sunset!
- the person sitting out front writing a guitar song
- the dog that looked like might Great Grandma's
- meeting my new neighbors
2. Smile (not constantly... but often)
3. If you walk under a tree, breath deeply
4. Smell all the flowers you can reach from the sidewalk
5. Walk through sprinklers, not around
6. Say hello to everyone you cross paths with
7. Find at least five things that have make you smile- Write them down or SHARE
Today's "Smiles"
- the two year old that practiced waving with me
- the elderly couple walking arm in arm down the street
- the leaves in the mountains are turning red
- the little girls having a picnic in their yard
- the sunset!
- the person sitting out front writing a guitar song
- the dog that looked like might Great Grandma's
- meeting my new neighbors
Thursday, September 9, 2010
A Funny Article
I read an article on how to answer tough questions from kids. It was informative and insightful. (And completely useless information...)
But at the end, the author threw in this, and it made me smile:
Answers You Wish You Could Give, but Can't
Q: Why were you on top of Mommy, Daddy?
A: She doesn't like reverse cowgirl all that much.
Q: What happens when you die?
A: Worms feed on your eyes.
Q: Who do you love best?
A: Your younger sister. And it's "whom."
Q: Is Santa real?
A: Dude, do you really believe elves who live in a part of the world without much of an electrical infrastructure can program Wii games? Think, Frank, think.
But at the end, the author threw in this, and it made me smile:
Answers You Wish You Could Give, but Can't
Q: Why were you on top of Mommy, Daddy?
A: She doesn't like reverse cowgirl all that much.
Q: What happens when you die?
A: Worms feed on your eyes.
Q: Who do you love best?
A: Your younger sister. And it's "whom."
Q: Is Santa real?
A: Dude, do you really believe elves who live in a part of the world without much of an electrical infrastructure can program Wii games? Think, Frank, think.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Running
I decided to take my dogs for a walk- one at a time. Since my feet are shredded from my school shoes, I decided to put on my good (but 11 years old) running shoes.
Now first of all, I almost quit before I started. My dogs LOVE going on walks, and having to leave Jackie behind was SO SAD! She whined at the door... and just looked so sad. I could barely stand it, but I know walking them together is too much for me.
I got about a block away with Lady, and had to cross the street. We walked kinda fast to cross, and my soul whispered, "Run." So I did.
It was such a good feeling! I haven't gone running with Lady in years, but it was just fun. She matches pace perfectly. Granted, she likes to randomly stop in front of me and I almost killed her a few times, but it just made me laugh.
When I left her home and took Jackie out- she looked so sad! But, Jackie and I had a great jog. I don't think I've ever ran with her, but she was a perfect partner too. She doesn't pull nearly as hard, so it was more of a cool down job.
If I'm not dead tomorrow, I may have to do this again.
Now first of all, I almost quit before I started. My dogs LOVE going on walks, and having to leave Jackie behind was SO SAD! She whined at the door... and just looked so sad. I could barely stand it, but I know walking them together is too much for me.
I got about a block away with Lady, and had to cross the street. We walked kinda fast to cross, and my soul whispered, "Run." So I did.
It was such a good feeling! I haven't gone running with Lady in years, but it was just fun. She matches pace perfectly. Granted, she likes to randomly stop in front of me and I almost killed her a few times, but it just made me laugh.
When I left her home and took Jackie out- she looked so sad! But, Jackie and I had a great jog. I don't think I've ever ran with her, but she was a perfect partner too. She doesn't pull nearly as hard, so it was more of a cool down job.
If I'm not dead tomorrow, I may have to do this again.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Life Group
Tonight, I went to a Life Group for The Rock church. I have to say- I felt like I should be scared out of my mind, but I wasn't. I knew I needed to go. Granted I made sure I arrived a few minutes late, so I wasn't the only one there. (That would have been awkward.) :)
But, it was an amazing night. I know I am among friends already. We talked, laughed, told a few stories, and talked about God and prayer.
The amazing moment of the night though- we had to write one thing that we wanted to pray for. I left mine very vague. Then, we traded prayers, and had to say a prayer for this other person. No one in this group knows me- tonight was the first night I'd met anyone except the person who invited me to come- and I met her Sunday.
Some people asked for prayers of guidance, improved finances, health... Mine again was purposely vague.
But the man who had to pray for me took his time with it- he said the exact thing that I needed. He read my few words and was able to ask God for exactly what I need right now. And then, he took it a step further and asked for things that I had thought about, but hadn't had the courage to write down. God already knew my prayer, and gave this man the words to say so that I would know He knew. It was a truly spiritual moment.
I cried. Not a sad cry- but an amazingly happy, life is wonderful cry.
But, it was an amazing night. I know I am among friends already. We talked, laughed, told a few stories, and talked about God and prayer.
The amazing moment of the night though- we had to write one thing that we wanted to pray for. I left mine very vague. Then, we traded prayers, and had to say a prayer for this other person. No one in this group knows me- tonight was the first night I'd met anyone except the person who invited me to come- and I met her Sunday.
Some people asked for prayers of guidance, improved finances, health... Mine again was purposely vague.
But the man who had to pray for me took his time with it- he said the exact thing that I needed. He read my few words and was able to ask God for exactly what I need right now. And then, he took it a step further and asked for things that I had thought about, but hadn't had the courage to write down. God already knew my prayer, and gave this man the words to say so that I would know He knew. It was a truly spiritual moment.
I cried. Not a sad cry- but an amazingly happy, life is wonderful cry.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Church
I went to church today.
I went a year ago. When life got crazy, and all my dreams had come crashing down- I went to church. They sang one song and I started to cry. I cried for a long time. I drove home crying, and had to detour until I looked normal again.
Today, I didn't cry. When I first walked in and heard the music, I teared up. But, then I realized that the feeling I felt didn't have to be a bad thing- it didn't have to make me sad over all the things I've lost.
Instead, I smiled. I smiled because of the possibilities that the Spirit holds for me. I smiled because I know everything in my life is going to work out.
I am ok. Not going to be- not will be- not can be- AM. I am ok.
I went a year ago. When life got crazy, and all my dreams had come crashing down- I went to church. They sang one song and I started to cry. I cried for a long time. I drove home crying, and had to detour until I looked normal again.
Today, I didn't cry. When I first walked in and heard the music, I teared up. But, then I realized that the feeling I felt didn't have to be a bad thing- it didn't have to make me sad over all the things I've lost.
Instead, I smiled. I smiled because of the possibilities that the Spirit holds for me. I smiled because I know everything in my life is going to work out.
I am ok. Not going to be- not will be- not can be- AM. I am ok.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
This week-
Ten Moments that Made My Soul Happy
(In no particular order)
1. Driving home singing Reba
2. Walking in the rain last night
3. "Thank you Jamie" - Ellie
4. Taking my shoes off & walking in the grass
5. The rainbow during the commute
6. The full moon
7. Seeing family TWICE!!! (I love them!)
8. Ice cream & gummy bears TWICE!!!
9. Being a GT teacher officially
10. Lunch in a crowded faculty room
(In no particular order)
1. Driving home singing Reba
2. Walking in the rain last night
3. "Thank you Jamie" - Ellie
4. Taking my shoes off & walking in the grass
5. The rainbow during the commute
6. The full moon
7. Seeing family TWICE!!! (I love them!)
8. Ice cream & gummy bears TWICE!!!
9. Being a GT teacher officially
10. Lunch in a crowded faculty room
Sunday, August 22, 2010
A Good Day for Me
I just had to say that today is a really good day. I must admit, since school started again, I've let my mind stay a little too busy. A week ago I was silly happy and my soul was yelling at me all the time and pointing out all these amazing, simple blessings in my life.
Then, I had to start thinking again. My mind came back with a vengeance. I realized quickly that there is a reason I only recently found my soul.
But, this weekend it came back. I was able to think about nothing and just have fun. And my silly happy is back. Today while it rained, I rolled down my car window and put my hand out to feel it. And I sang to fun songs.
This gives me hope that even when school gets going full swing... my soul isn't going away again. I've grown to like it.
Then, I had to start thinking again. My mind came back with a vengeance. I realized quickly that there is a reason I only recently found my soul.
But, this weekend it came back. I was able to think about nothing and just have fun. And my silly happy is back. Today while it rained, I rolled down my car window and put my hand out to feel it. And I sang to fun songs.
This gives me hope that even when school gets going full swing... my soul isn't going away again. I've grown to like it.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
A New Classroom
I went in my room today... and it was full of boxes. Truth is- they've been there all summer but I've kinda, sorta, in a way... I've been ignoring them. I put half of them away (the easy half) a month ago. Since then- nothing.
But, with Open House tonight, I could put it off no longer. I unpacked. I put up posters. I set out my baskets.
And it is amazing. I sat at my desk and stared at my new room. No one else has ever put a poster on those walls. No one has used the projector or the white board. Just me... it is my room.
I am so excited!
But, with Open House tonight, I could put it off no longer. I unpacked. I put up posters. I set out my baskets.
And it is amazing. I sat at my desk and stared at my new room. No one else has ever put a poster on those walls. No one has used the projector or the white board. Just me... it is my room.
I am so excited!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Letter to Myself, 2000-2010
Every year I write a letter to myself, and open it 10 years later. I write about where I am in life at the moment, and what I hope for myself. In 2000, I actually wrote two letters to myself.
The first letter I opened tonight is the first that mentions Andy. I wrote it the summer after I graduated from high school. Even then, when I'd only known him for 7 months, I knew he would be a major player in my life. I cried as I read the words I wrote 10 years ago. Our journey together isn't over, but it has been changed.
So far, this is the deepest letter I have written. I've realized I'm always reflective in the summer, since that is when life slows down long enough for me to pause.
The second letter I wrote after I'd been to college for a few months. College had been my deepest desire up until that point, and I struggled to adjust to being there.
I share parts of these letters here. This is my voice, at 18.
July 19, 2000
Dear Self- That sounds really dumb. So we'll start over.
Jamie,
Waz up?
It's 2000, never thought you'd make it here-this far- the year didn't exist. Now 2010 seems like so far in the future- one of those "live on Mars in space suits times."
You graduated- Salutatorian- from HIGH SCHOOL. What did you do with it? College- you kept that scholarship? I want to right now- that's what I want.
Goals? You spoke at an FCCLA National Meeting- ran a general session- BLUE RIBBON PANEL- dreams come true. Somehow you gained the respect of people- and they asked you (no one else though they had choices). Always remember to do your best.
How did the anti-violence program turn out? Our kids finally getting smarter and leaving cruelness and guns at home? Padukah, Ky? Columbine? Jonesboro, Ak? Sound familiar? I hope not- I hope they are no longer talking of those awful days where so many children were killed by their peers- kids like me and my friends.
So goals now- here's the checklist but it's ok if some weren't met, as long as you are doing good and being happy.
1. Circle K Officer
2. Bachelors- Communication & English
3. Hold another office in college
4. Graduate w/ honors
5. Help other people
6. Save $$$ (How you doing?)
I wanted to make it easy- you lucky dog!
What else? Since graduation you've learned several things. Life is strange without 1000 things to do. Has life ever slowed down? have you learned to not be selfish and to let others help you? Are you still strong? I hope so... that's my future.
Boys- Andrew James. Cute- but so special. Funny, fun, and amazing. He can make you open up and not be afraid- you don't fear how he'll treat you the day after you spill your guts to him. He means laughing again. He's talked about marriage.... I love him and see marriage as a possibility in the future. I want college life first.
I'd bet you are married. Andy? If not- that's okay. I know he's an amazing man who makes you melt with a kiss and skip a heartbeat with his smile. I won't settle for anything less than that for you.
I'm living my life now- responsible to no one but myself, and I live for that now.
Jamie
October 10, 2000
Jamie
Potential is the word right now. Simply potential. High school and childhood have ended. You spoke at graduation as Salutatorian. It was about a mouse and 2 frogs in a milk bowl: determination.
Potential will be reached with determination.
College has been a reality shock. Not quite. More of a personal frustration. You have so much inner energy, so much drive waiting for a direction. Everyday your brain runs thousands of miles a minute, computing ideas and wanting to change the world. But your hands don't know what to build and your feet don't know where to walk.
But you keep walking, building, and looking. I know I will accomplish so much- as soon as I figure out what to do. A lot has been started- but nothing is rolling.
I've started a Circle K here at Weber State. I plan on having a strong club and doing a lot of things to help the school. When it's going I want to be president and Lt. governor. Maybe Governor by my senior year.
I'm also debating and speaking. By my senior year I want to be good enough to win tournaments. I want to be known as a good speaker- Wow audiences.
I'm working toward a Communication Teaching major. I want to teach speech and debate. I want to give kids the opportunity to build the confidence to stand in front of 1000's of people. I want them to know how to have and use their voice.
I want to travel across the country. San Fransisco, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Chicago, New York, Seattle and Portland. I want road trips.
And I want a family someday. Everyone assumes I'll be married in a year but I am not ready. I'm not ready to give to my husband unselfishly. And I could never marry someone I care about knowing I can't make them happy. I wonder if I'll ever be unselfish enough to marry- or if I'll always demand their happiness comes before love.
(I spend two pages describing the people in my life. I won't share that since they may not want that shared...)
Their dreams aren't mine. they are in different directions. But part of me wants to guarantee they all come true... everyone of them. I want to be a huge success and have all of them standing beside me. It's hard knowing we should all grow apart yet I hold on. Determination holds on.
Jamie
The first letter I opened tonight is the first that mentions Andy. I wrote it the summer after I graduated from high school. Even then, when I'd only known him for 7 months, I knew he would be a major player in my life. I cried as I read the words I wrote 10 years ago. Our journey together isn't over, but it has been changed.
So far, this is the deepest letter I have written. I've realized I'm always reflective in the summer, since that is when life slows down long enough for me to pause.
The second letter I wrote after I'd been to college for a few months. College had been my deepest desire up until that point, and I struggled to adjust to being there.
I share parts of these letters here. This is my voice, at 18.
July 19, 2000
Dear Self- That sounds really dumb. So we'll start over.
Jamie,
Waz up?
It's 2000, never thought you'd make it here-this far- the year didn't exist. Now 2010 seems like so far in the future- one of those "live on Mars in space suits times."
You graduated- Salutatorian- from HIGH SCHOOL. What did you do with it? College- you kept that scholarship? I want to right now- that's what I want.
Goals? You spoke at an FCCLA National Meeting- ran a general session- BLUE RIBBON PANEL- dreams come true. Somehow you gained the respect of people- and they asked you (no one else though they had choices). Always remember to do your best.
How did the anti-violence program turn out? Our kids finally getting smarter and leaving cruelness and guns at home? Padukah, Ky? Columbine? Jonesboro, Ak? Sound familiar? I hope not- I hope they are no longer talking of those awful days where so many children were killed by their peers- kids like me and my friends.
So goals now- here's the checklist but it's ok if some weren't met, as long as you are doing good and being happy.
1. Circle K Officer
2. Bachelors- Communication & English
3. Hold another office in college
4. Graduate w/ honors
5. Help other people
6. Save $$$ (How you doing?)
I wanted to make it easy- you lucky dog!
What else? Since graduation you've learned several things. Life is strange without 1000 things to do. Has life ever slowed down? have you learned to not be selfish and to let others help you? Are you still strong? I hope so... that's my future.
Boys- Andrew James. Cute- but so special. Funny, fun, and amazing. He can make you open up and not be afraid- you don't fear how he'll treat you the day after you spill your guts to him. He means laughing again. He's talked about marriage.... I love him and see marriage as a possibility in the future. I want college life first.
I'd bet you are married. Andy? If not- that's okay. I know he's an amazing man who makes you melt with a kiss and skip a heartbeat with his smile. I won't settle for anything less than that for you.
I'm living my life now- responsible to no one but myself, and I live for that now.
Jamie
October 10, 2000
Jamie
Potential is the word right now. Simply potential. High school and childhood have ended. You spoke at graduation as Salutatorian. It was about a mouse and 2 frogs in a milk bowl: determination.
Potential will be reached with determination.
College has been a reality shock. Not quite. More of a personal frustration. You have so much inner energy, so much drive waiting for a direction. Everyday your brain runs thousands of miles a minute, computing ideas and wanting to change the world. But your hands don't know what to build and your feet don't know where to walk.
But you keep walking, building, and looking. I know I will accomplish so much- as soon as I figure out what to do. A lot has been started- but nothing is rolling.
I've started a Circle K here at Weber State. I plan on having a strong club and doing a lot of things to help the school. When it's going I want to be president and Lt. governor. Maybe Governor by my senior year.
I'm also debating and speaking. By my senior year I want to be good enough to win tournaments. I want to be known as a good speaker- Wow audiences.
I'm working toward a Communication Teaching major. I want to teach speech and debate. I want to give kids the opportunity to build the confidence to stand in front of 1000's of people. I want them to know how to have and use their voice.
I want to travel across the country. San Fransisco, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Chicago, New York, Seattle and Portland. I want road trips.
And I want a family someday. Everyone assumes I'll be married in a year but I am not ready. I'm not ready to give to my husband unselfishly. And I could never marry someone I care about knowing I can't make them happy. I wonder if I'll ever be unselfish enough to marry- or if I'll always demand their happiness comes before love.
(I spend two pages describing the people in my life. I won't share that since they may not want that shared...)
Their dreams aren't mine. they are in different directions. But part of me wants to guarantee they all come true... everyone of them. I want to be a huge success and have all of them standing beside me. It's hard knowing we should all grow apart yet I hold on. Determination holds on.
Jamie
A Successful Day
Well- today is what I'm officially declaring as the first day of my new life. I have to get back to the "real world." Granted- driving/flying away from it all summer was amazing, and I plan on doing it again next year. But, I've always known I couldn't leave my life completely. So... today I returned. And it was a success!!!
I did my laundry and cleaned my living room. I'll get to the kitchen and bathroom tomorrow. I ran errands. I went grocery shopping for the first time this summer. I bought breakfast foods!!!! (Ky gave me the great idea of granola and yogurt and it was delicious!)
I had a meeting that was, less that perfect. It was a little ... scattered. But- two hours isn't bad.
Then I went shopping. I was so frustrated! I found two pairs of cute ass jeans right away, but then nothing for school. I almost gave up but saw something cute on my way to the register. That lead to something else and something else... and two hours later I had jeans, shirts, skirts, and black pants. Oh- and two new pairs of shoes.
Ok- so this blog is a little boring. I can't be poetic every day. Right now I just want to get in the habit of writing. Bare with me friends...
I did my laundry and cleaned my living room. I'll get to the kitchen and bathroom tomorrow. I ran errands. I went grocery shopping for the first time this summer. I bought breakfast foods!!!! (Ky gave me the great idea of granola and yogurt and it was delicious!)
I had a meeting that was, less that perfect. It was a little ... scattered. But- two hours isn't bad.
Then I went shopping. I was so frustrated! I found two pairs of cute ass jeans right away, but then nothing for school. I almost gave up but saw something cute on my way to the register. That lead to something else and something else... and two hours later I had jeans, shirts, skirts, and black pants. Oh- and two new pairs of shoes.
Ok- so this blog is a little boring. I can't be poetic every day. Right now I just want to get in the habit of writing. Bare with me friends...
Monday, August 16, 2010
My Soul-Finding Summer... an explanation of my blog title
My Mind
My whole childhood, adolescence, youth... I listened to my head. It was my head that told me in 5th grade that I would go to college on a full scholarship and become a teacher. It was my head the got me the grades, joined the clubs, and made all my decisions. It was my head that planned my entire college career when I picked up my first schedule book. I was logical for the most part... and weighed my options when making all big decisions. This system worked for me... until May.
In May, my brain became overloaded. It can not make sense of the events that have lead to my new life. I tried and tried to explain it, but it didn't make sense. What is the logic to giving up all we had? To giving up all I gave? I wanted a reason that made sense to me... and I could not find one.
I was so engrossed with finding the answer that I couldn't do anything else... I couldn't plan lessons, or grade papers. (My kids didn't mind getting automatic perfect scores...) I'm not sure how I made it through till the end of school. I decided this summer to give my brain a break. I couldn't concentrate on anything, so I decided to quit trying. I had to stop thinking, because all I could think about was finding my answer. The voice I heard the most went silent...
*Side note- school starts soon- with meetings tomorrow. I'm kicking my brain into high gear tomorrow morning...*
My Heart
It was Andy that actually taught me to listen to my heart. It was the voice that would guide my important decisions when my pro/con lists came up even. I learned that when I followed my heart, it always worked out. Andy helped me see that it was safe to do this, and that it was worth the risk. I went to Weber and was happy in college, even though it was not the logical decision. I applied for Vista (against the logic) because I is what my heart told me to do. Following my heart has brought me so much happiness and a sense of security.
But, my heart got broken and I learned a valuable lesson. I realized that "follow your heart" only works out when the object you are seeking wants you as much as you want it. That is why following your heart is such a risk- it is the part of you that is tied to the decision of something/someone else. My heart pulled me to Andy, again and again... even after the awful week at the first of May... and it was hurt again and again. The object of my heart's desire did not feel the same. The pain this has caused was unbearable.
The person who made it safe to follow my heart is the person who shattered it. Only time can heal this pain, and I decided to give my heart time off. I've let it run away and hide... wallowing somewhere in me, recovering. Giving my heart time off from feeling is the only way I can keep myself sane.
*Side note- I know my heart will heal. I will trust again, and be open to love again, but I'm not rushing into this.*
With my heart and head silent, I assumed I'd live my summer in a state of numbness...waiting for my concentration to return and my heart to heal. But a strange thing happened... another voice started to speak up.
It is a voice that first just told me to buy a Mustang on a moment's notice. It is the voice that told me randomly drive my bike up a canyon in the middle of the day. This voice pulled my car over on my way home from Arizona just so I could jump in rain puddles. This is the voice that led me to the mountain sunrise.
This voice comes from somewhere deep within, and it is the voice I've heard most often this summer. I call it
SOUL.
My soul... a part of me that I have ignored most of my life... has, for the first time, had a chance to be heard. And it is selfish in its one desire: to find pure joy as often as possible. It isn't about long lasting happiness- but pure, deep joy that can only be found in simple moments of our lives. It is the deep part of me that was happy in Arizona, Houston, the Red Woods.
My soul's voice does not make major life decisions. That is for my mind and heart, which is why I've ignored my soul for so long. I've always lived for the future... not the day. But this summer, I had to put my future on hold and just live for the small moments. I admit it has been strange, but I've had no choice but to listen.
And I am a different person. Several friends have noticed... even Andy says I've changed for the good. What they are seeing is a person following their soul for the first time in their life.
Tomorrow, I will have to wake up my mind and start to think again. I can not teach without it. I'm ready for that. I'm also committed to not shutting out the voice of my soul.
That is the purpose of this blog- to give my soul a voice.
My whole childhood, adolescence, youth... I listened to my head. It was my head that told me in 5th grade that I would go to college on a full scholarship and become a teacher. It was my head the got me the grades, joined the clubs, and made all my decisions. It was my head that planned my entire college career when I picked up my first schedule book. I was logical for the most part... and weighed my options when making all big decisions. This system worked for me... until May.
In May, my brain became overloaded. It can not make sense of the events that have lead to my new life. I tried and tried to explain it, but it didn't make sense. What is the logic to giving up all we had? To giving up all I gave? I wanted a reason that made sense to me... and I could not find one.
I was so engrossed with finding the answer that I couldn't do anything else... I couldn't plan lessons, or grade papers. (My kids didn't mind getting automatic perfect scores...) I'm not sure how I made it through till the end of school. I decided this summer to give my brain a break. I couldn't concentrate on anything, so I decided to quit trying. I had to stop thinking, because all I could think about was finding my answer. The voice I heard the most went silent...
*Side note- school starts soon- with meetings tomorrow. I'm kicking my brain into high gear tomorrow morning...*
My Heart
It was Andy that actually taught me to listen to my heart. It was the voice that would guide my important decisions when my pro/con lists came up even. I learned that when I followed my heart, it always worked out. Andy helped me see that it was safe to do this, and that it was worth the risk. I went to Weber and was happy in college, even though it was not the logical decision. I applied for Vista (against the logic) because I is what my heart told me to do. Following my heart has brought me so much happiness and a sense of security.
But, my heart got broken and I learned a valuable lesson. I realized that "follow your heart" only works out when the object you are seeking wants you as much as you want it. That is why following your heart is such a risk- it is the part of you that is tied to the decision of something/someone else. My heart pulled me to Andy, again and again... even after the awful week at the first of May... and it was hurt again and again. The object of my heart's desire did not feel the same. The pain this has caused was unbearable.
The person who made it safe to follow my heart is the person who shattered it. Only time can heal this pain, and I decided to give my heart time off. I've let it run away and hide... wallowing somewhere in me, recovering. Giving my heart time off from feeling is the only way I can keep myself sane.
*Side note- I know my heart will heal. I will trust again, and be open to love again, but I'm not rushing into this.*
With my heart and head silent, I assumed I'd live my summer in a state of numbness...waiting for my concentration to return and my heart to heal. But a strange thing happened... another voice started to speak up.
It is a voice that first just told me to buy a Mustang on a moment's notice. It is the voice that told me randomly drive my bike up a canyon in the middle of the day. This voice pulled my car over on my way home from Arizona just so I could jump in rain puddles. This is the voice that led me to the mountain sunrise.
This voice comes from somewhere deep within, and it is the voice I've heard most often this summer. I call it
SOUL.
My soul... a part of me that I have ignored most of my life... has, for the first time, had a chance to be heard. And it is selfish in its one desire: to find pure joy as often as possible. It isn't about long lasting happiness- but pure, deep joy that can only be found in simple moments of our lives. It is the deep part of me that was happy in Arizona, Houston, the Red Woods.
My soul's voice does not make major life decisions. That is for my mind and heart, which is why I've ignored my soul for so long. I've always lived for the future... not the day. But this summer, I had to put my future on hold and just live for the small moments. I admit it has been strange, but I've had no choice but to listen.
And I am a different person. Several friends have noticed... even Andy says I've changed for the good. What they are seeing is a person following their soul for the first time in their life.
Tomorrow, I will have to wake up my mind and start to think again. I can not teach without it. I'm ready for that. I'm also committed to not shutting out the voice of my soul.
That is the purpose of this blog- to give my soul a voice.
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